Things Video Games Have Taught Us

[The Coop]

NPCs are stronger than the enemies you face. Hit an enemy with a bullet, drop a grenade near one, and the pussies die right there. Do the same to an NPC, and they'll yell at you about watching what you're doing as they walk off without a scratch.

Somehow the little belt you have on can hold multiple guns, swords, shields, health potions, staffs, crossbows and such, all at the same time... yet your ass isn't encumbered by any of it.

If I ever get into a horrific car crash, somewhere, somehow, there will be several high-speed cameras around to capture the ensuing cascade of flying metal, sparks and body parts from multiple angles in crystal-clear slow motion.

Marines in the distant future will be made up of incredibly fat men and women when they finally journey into space. That's the only logical reason for why they won't be able to step over foot-high walls.

[Mirby]

If you jump up and then sit down in midair while above a slope, you WILL slide down it (Mario)

[Arcana]

Video games taught me that you can sit down in mid air.

[Mirby]

That too, Arcana. That too.

[Gario]

No, "Hey, what's up?" or "Hello, my name is ___"

.

Also, I learned that jumping in midair is a piece of cake (Smash Bros).

[hewhoisiam]

Great stuff here. Lets see... what did I learn from video games...

They said hurry, the world is ending... But there might be stuff laying around. Whatever they needed can wait while I get 3 more coppers and a hi-potion from the crate. (RPGs)

Everything has a weak point. SHOOT HERE FOR MASSIVE DAMAGE! (arcade light guns, super scoop)

Use the bombs. If you die you won't need your stash of bombs that you were saving for that rainy day. (Star Fox, anything bullet hell)

[Abadoss]

The moment you leave a city or any sort of population center, you will instantly transform into a towering monstrosity a good hundred to thousand feet tall. (Anything with a overworld map)

If you can jump (I stress "if"), you can jump nearly twenty to thirty feet in the air. Forty to fifty if you're Luigi. (Platformers)

COLLECT EVERYTHING! It might be a piece of gum under the bus seat or a dried dog turd in the park. If it's not nailed down (or even if it is), you better pick that thing up and shove it down your pants. (Adventure / Puzzle games)

[SoloGamer]

video games are not like real life (tim buckley)

[Chizniz]

Once you have eliminated the big bad, flush all of your weapons down the crapper, and give yourself a massive head injury to forget all those pesky skills and spells. Because apparently there will never ever be another threat again...until there is another threat again.

You can travel to all sorts of far off counties, continents, planets, time periods, dimensions, planes of reality, etc. and they will use the same currency as you. In addition they will have the exact equipment you use only slightly better.

All girls fight using gymnastics. Those that don't are mannish, or tomboys.

When a new religion springs up it will always be evil. Also it is usually vaguely reminiscent of Catholicism. Also you will have to beat the shit out of their charismatic leader who usually transforms into some demon, then you will have to kill their dark god.

[relyanCe]

As long as the green bar that floats around above my head isn't empty, I am at peak physical condition and will never ever tire or sustain visible injury, even when shot, stabbed, or eaten alive.

The moment that bar is empty, I will do one of three things:

1. Fall down/crumple over/spontaneously explode, phase in and out of reality for a few seconds (if I did not explode), then be replaced by someone who looks and acts exactly like me. Note that whether my replica appears in the exact same position of my untimely demise or at the beginning of wherever I was attempting to invade before shrugging off my mortal coil may vary.

2. Fall over and die, usually with some dramatic line or death cry. If I was hit hard enough, I may even fly across whatever room I was in before slamming into a wall, though this idea is just as often ignored. Note that if I am required by some strange metaphysical force to fight again in a sort of "Round 2"-type situation, I will immediately stand back up and the bar above my head will completely refill, which of course restores me to peak physical condition.

3. If I am designated as an "enemy", or only refer to myself by a general type or species name, I will either act according to reaction 1, except without any chance of instantaneous replacement (sometimes averted), or simply disappear without any sign of actually suffering a horribly painful death.

[Ronyn]

Killing time and trying to stay up, pardon the laundry list...

Things I learned from Final Fantasy:

- The difference between being a boss and a common monster is the ability to reproduce.

- Life is pretty ordinary until it is composed by Nabuo Uematsu.

- Level 100? That's just f@#$ing stupid.

- The entire population of the world that never thought once to create an army or level up past 10 and defend themselves is apparently worth saving, for some reason.

- All trials in life start with a disorienting "ZZZZZ ZZZZ CCHHHCHCH" and end with a triumphant "DUH NA NA NA, NA NA, NUH NA-NA!"

- People aren't made of blood, they're made of math.

- There are no pirates, yet the world is riddled with treasure chests.

- 'Put a spinning propeller on it!' is the answer to every engineering question.

- There is only one smart person in the world and his name is Cid.

- You can conceivably make military grade weapons from onions.

- Fire beats ice, lightning beats water, etc. This takes years of magic school to learn.

- Going from meager mortal to demigod takes about 40-80 hours.

- In a world made of crystals, nobody ever gets high.

Things I learned from Legend of Zelda:

- It is perfectly ok to barge into someone's house and search their pots and bookshelves.

- If you run into a tree or rock, you MUST turn around. It is impossible to go around the tree or jump over the rock.

- The only time to mobilize and be heroic, is when a princess is in trouble, f@#$ the townspeople.

- There is no point in trying to do anything, ever, as you will inevitably have to do it all over again anyway, just with better graphics.

- All of life's problems can be solved with just a bottle, a mirror, a boomerang, and a fishing net.

- Holding your sword like an erection for a least 3 seconds, then swinging wildly around your entire body, is the most powerful attack anyone could ever do.

Things I learned from Metal Gear:

- You will always get a phone call while you are dying.

- Always assume the enemy has no problem leaving food and munitions lying around, never bring your own.

- No well trained soldier is capable of remembering to search for you longer than 20 seconds.

- No human can see beyond 60 degrees for 50 feet, nor will they ever look above or below the floor they are on.

- A single armored mechanoid that can launch and survive nukes (but not rocket launchers) is a serious threat to all humanity, better send ONE man.

- Food cures bullet wounds.

- Every military site on earth has at least one soldier uncontrollably shitting himself.

- Why join special ops? Pornos and cigs, brotha, pornos and cigs.

- Nobody ever suspects the man-sized box.

- The difference between ordinary and extraordinary is a cinematic pose and a bitchin' codename.

- The owner of a key-card is fortunately never actually inside the carded area they should be, lucky you.

Things I learned from Super Mario:

- Plumbers smoke the best shit on earth.

[DarkeSword]

Threads about video games don't belong in Off-Topic. This is a video game site.

-____-

[Gollgagh]

olol you almost might have to make a sticky with that title since no one reads the rules thread

I mean obviously it's their own fault for not reading the rules thread (and ignoring the innumerable times you've moved threads) but still

[Thalzon]

I learned from Dragon Quest 9 that the DS can't access WPA-type encryption to play games online. Thus, I can no longer access the online store from home or work. It needs a WEP encryption.

Not funny but kind of annoying.

[Gollgagh]

DSi games can

but no one wants to make DSi games

[linkspast]

I only need one type of mineral and gas to amass a large army.

[Doulifée]

Safety measure are the least of most builder worries. Explosive barrel, bridge with no railing near bottomless pit, unstable energy core that explode easily...

Cheap and fast construction is the main motto. Also your factory/building map doesnt need to have any sense for what it is supposed to be used for on a daily basis.

[NegimaSonic]

That no matter what special ability you have, whether it is controlling time, space, darkness, etc, you will never be able to escape a 10 year old with a master ball.(Pokemon)

[Benjamin Briggs]

as the owner/operator of a theme park, I am fully authorized to murder innocent people and suffer absolutely no repercussions

[Ferret]

Threads about video games don't belong in Off-Topic. This is a video game site.

-____-

The optional bosses are always harder than the ones you actually have to fight, and they WILL fuck you over.

[DMaster]

I'm sorry about putting this thread in Off-Topic. I did read the rules, I guess I forgot...

You can defeat almost anything with a water gun. (Super Mario Sunshine)

Cheating WILL erase your game pak... If you do it more than 3 times. (Banjo Kazooie)

[Eckerson]

If you steal an item from the store, everyone in town will call you "Thief", but nobody will haul your butt to jail. - Legend of Zelda: Link's Awakening

[hewhoisiam]

If you steal an item from the store, everyone in town will call you "Thief", but nobody will haul your butt to jail. - Legend of Zelda: Link's Awakening

To counter this: I named my link Theif. My logic is uninfailable.

[Gollgagh]

To counter this: I named my link Theif. My logic is uninfailable.

this post is fantastic

[Benjamin Briggs]

techinically everyone in town calls you "THIEF"

I guess they're yelling eh