OCR Mascot Bios - 20 more up for grabs!

[Darklink42]

I do believe so.

Introduced in The Legend of Zelda: Ocarina of Time, Skull Kids are impish creatures that live within the mysterious Lost Woods. Unlike the monsters of the forest, Skull Kids don’t appear to be evil, merely mischievous. They are said to have once been children who wandered too far into the forest and were transformed by the forbidden air. While their trickery can tend toward cruelty, in the end they’ve helped Link, the Hero of Time, on his quests more often than hindered him. It’s only when they come into contact with adults that they turn violent, displaying a childlike fear that is the last remnant of their former lives.

One Skull Kid in particular formed a friendship with Link, happily trading music and masks with him whenever the hero returned to the woods. What began with a chance musical jam, however, would later force Link to undertake a quest in an alternate world closely related to his own: Termina. In The Legend of Zelda: Majora’s Mask, the Skull Kid ambushes a wandering salesman and steals a mask of great evil. Known as Majora’s Mask, it subtly takes control of the Skull Kid, negatively influencing his personality and granting him access to dark magic, which he uses to pull down the moon from the sky in order to destroy the world. He also waylays Link, stealing his possessions and later transforming him into Deku Link. Although the people of Termina, and Link himself, have reason to fear and hate the Skull Kid, his fairy friend Tatl maintains a different perspective. She believes that the mask completely possessed the forest imp, deepening the anger and loneliness he felt after some of his closest friends abandoned him one night and didn't come back.

[Dafydd]

Dammit, one final gripe. Is it "In The Legend of Zelda: Majora’s Mask, the Skull Kid" or "In The Legend of Zelda: Majora’s Mask, Skull Kid"?

Also, Polo, it's been forever since I uploaded anything to the wiki, and I could use the practice, so don't do it for me, but, where does the bolded version of Skull Kid go? It seems a little late in the above quote. And when do we italicize, exactly?

Edited July 7, 2013 by Dafydd

[Darklink42]

Well, as far as my sources go, he's been "the" Skull Kid, as a differentiation from the "Skull Kids" that are generically within the universe. I haven't seen, in any of the three (four if you count the Majora's Mask text dump)sources I used, the character referred to as just "Skull Kid". This was why, by the way, "skull kids" was not capitalized at first, to avoid confusion.

When last I put together a bio, the bold was the first mention of the character in question's name, so that's what I went with unless that rule has changed or I'm recalling it wrong. My English major sensibilities made me italicize the game titles, since I don't remember whether we had a rule about that or not. It's up to you guys.

Edit: Alright, so there is, upon further review, some slight ambiguity. One of the wikis does simply use "Skull Kid", where the other does not. The game text has most characters refer to him as "the Skull Kid", but in direct conversation, the "the" is not present. I'm not really sure how to approach this one, as far as that goes. It seems like within discussion of the character, but not with the character, "the" is warranted. To me, that seems the easiest way to avoid confusion, and it reads better, but that's personal preference.

The game text dump, if you're interested, is found here: http://www.gamefaqs.com/n64/197770-the-legend-of-zelda-majoras-mask/faqs/20239

Edited July 7, 2013 by Darklink42

[Dafydd]

Sorry, I didn't realize you'd written "the Skull Kid" consistently throughout. That settles that. Thanks!

[Polo]

Proto Man's bio looks fairly workable to me. You have any nitpicks you want to get out of your system, my fellow editor?

Also, Polo, it's been forever since I uploaded anything to the wiki, and I could use the practice, so don't do it for me, but, where does the bolded version of Skull Kid go? It seems a little late in the above quote. And when do we italicize, exactly?

Since the bio covers the population of Skull Kids as well, I think the bolding should appear in the first sentence: "Introduced in The Legend of Zelda: Ocarina of Time, Skull Kids are impish creatures..." Remember to italicize game titles (like I just did with Ocarina) and Hyrule Historia (the name of the official Zelda timeline/encyclopedia and one of the sources used).

Also, be sure to replace all 5 curly quotation marks in the bio with straight quotations (hit CTRL+H to change ’ --> ') and link to Deku Link's bio when that name shows up. Handle with care.

[Dafydd]

Proto Man's bio looks fairly workable to me. You have any nitpicks you want to get out of your system, my fellow editor?

I'm afraid so. Most of the issues I pointed out in my previous post about it are still there. Everything I bolded needs to be rephrased if it hasn't already.

also i like to write things with my own style which tends to switch between written and speech (it's also how I tend to talk). all writers tend to have their own voice when they find it that makes their writing unique, and this is mine. i can't really change those phrases without killing my own voice, and for reasons i'd hope are obvious i can't exactly do that.

Ok. Does that mean we want us to make the edits for you?

Stuff about formatting

Thanks, I'll get right on it.

EDIT: Done, except...

Hyrule Historia (the name of the official Zelda.

I think I got the rest down, but that one... Do we have a precedent? I left it as

Hyrule Historia - Pg. 84

because I didn't know what to do with it.

Edited July 10, 2013 by Dafydd

[Mirby]

I suppose if you want to butcher my voice, then I guess that'll have to happen. I never had an issue with using my voice in the previous bios I've written, so I don't see why it's suddenly a massive issue now, but whatever.

I'll be honest, I was fine with Polo's edits because they were little things that did need to make sense. But if these bios are meant to introduce a character to someone, then I'll write it like I'm the one explaining it. Yeah, I'll make it easy to understand, but when I'm writing something in that way, of course my voice is going to be in that writing.

Edit it if you must, but then it'll be as if you wrote it as you had originally planned. And then what point was there for me to go through all the stress I went through writing those first two versions that y'all screams PLAGIARIST at?

Edited July 10, 2013 by Mirby

[Dafydd]

I never had an issue with using my voice in the previous bios I've written, so I don't see why it's suddenly a massive issue now, but whatever.

I could say your last few bios got a few pretty big edits too, "so I don't see why it's suddenly a massive issue now, but whatever". Where do you draw the line between what is "your voice", and phrasings that you don't mind us improving on, anyway?

Edit it if you must, but then it'll be as if you wrote it as you had originally planned.

Not really. You will still have done nearly all of the work, and you will still be credited as the author. The bio needs to have a few phrases reworded, that's all. Plenty of bios, if not most of them, have needed more work than this. Also, like I said, I have very little issue with the second paragraph, which makes up about half the bio, so it's hardly like none of the time you put into this matters. The ending especially is one I would have never come up with.

And then what point was there for me to go through all the stress I went through writing those first two versions

I won't take the blame for this stress you're talking about. If you're not doing this for the shits and giggles, why are you doing it? I wouldn't be here it I didn't enjoy it. It's not like anyone's forcing me to do anything.

butcher

Right.

screams

That's not how I remember it.

Edited July 10, 2013 by Dafydd

[Polo]

Oh dear, looks like we have another bout of writer-editor dissent.

Yes, we have manually edited others' bios to suit our standards, most of the time because the original writers were no longer checking this thread and contacting them was ineffective. And while we don't try to rewrite them entirely, we do strive to make them clear, objective, and flowing - in short, easy to read. Mirby, you've gone through hell crafting four bios for us, so I'm sure you have an idea by now what parts/habits of your writing clash with what we expect. If you're in no mood to retool the parts that Dafydd has trouble with, we will make the necessary fixes ourselves and upload the bio when we're satisfied. (And if you feel something like this is likely to happen again, perhaps it would be in your best interest to refrain from writing any more bios.)

I think I got the rest down, but that one... Do we have a precedent? I left it as

Hyrule Historia - Pg. 84

because I didn't know what to do with it.

Some other bios reference article names in magazines and player's guides, which I think is fine. Darklink42 used only one page, and to credit the section it's in would require the full label "Era of the Hero of Time - Ocarina of Time - The Forbidden Forest" (I think). Is that too much? Do you suppose maybe writing out "Pg." as "Page" would be more fitting?

Also, I added another source Darklink42 used (the race of Skull Kids on Zeldapedia).

Edited July 11, 2013 by Polo

[Mirby]

Just lemme see what it looks like first, that's all I ask.

[Dafydd]

Some other bios reference article names in magazines and player's guides, which I think is fine. Darklink42 used only one page

Hmmm. I just assumed this wasn't available online, since in the original post, it wasn't a link, just plain text. Are there any legal issues involved in linking it?

to credit the section it's in would require the full label "Era of the Hero of Time - Ocarina of Time - The Forbidden Forest" (I think). Is that too much?

I don't think that's too much, no. But the words "Hyrule Historia" don't actually occur in that label. Should it be "Hyrule Historia: Era of the Hero of Time - Ocarina of Time - The Forbidden Forest"?

Do you suppose maybe writing out "Pg." as "Page" would be more fitting?

Sure. It's not like we don't have the space for one more character. I'll wait with editing it again before we've agreed on something though.

Also, I added another source Darklink42 used (the race of Skull Kids on Zeldapedia).

Thanks.

Just lemme see what it looks like first, that's all I ask.

As always, neither I nor Polo ever upload anything to the wiki until the other gives the all-clear, and this thread is where all the magic happens. It might be a day or two before I have something though.

Edited July 11, 2013 by Dafydd

[Polo]

I just assumed this wasn't available online, since in the original post, it wasn't a link, just plain text. Are there any legal issues involved in linking it?

Probably, since we can't directly link to scans of instruction manuals.

the words "Hyrule Historia" don't actually occur in that label. Should it be "Hyrule Historia: Era of the Hero of Time - Ocarina of Time - The Forbidden Forest"?

Yeah, I left out "Hyrule Historia" because I figured it was a given. The full label would look like:

Hyrule Historia - "Era of the Hero of Time - Ocarina of Time - The Forbidden Forest"

I guess if we go with this, the page number won't matter, since there'd be no mistaking of this full label/section for any other part of the guide.

[Dafydd]

Yeah, I left out "Hyrule Historia" because I figured it was a given.

I feel stupid now.

The full label would look like:

Hyrule Historia - "Era of the Hero of Time - Ocarina of Time - The Forbidden Forest"

I guess if we go with this, the page number won't matter, since there'd be no mistaking of this full label/section for any other part of the guide.

Excellent, bio adjusted accordingly. That's another bio down. Thanks for hanging in there, Darklink42.

[Darklink42]

Excellent, bio adjusted accordingly. That's another bio down. Thanks for hanging in there, Darklink42.

As always, it's been a pleasure. I may try a second one once you guys finish this batch, but we'll see what happens.

[Dafydd]

Just popping in to say I'm not dead. It'll still be a few days before I have a new version. Sorry...

[Dafydd]

This is taking forever. I seem to be suffering from some kind of writer's block, so I'm posting this here.

Sometime before Dr. Thomas Light created Mega Man, there was a different robot he worked on.

- "He was working on a different robot"?

This robot, Proto Man, was the first creation of Light, although it wasn't long after completion that Proto Man fled the lab for reasons he felt were right.

- I think we need to put back some of the explanation as to why he fled the lab, although not as specific as it was before. "Reasons he flet were right" sounds bad.

- "Was the first creation of Light" would be better as "was Light's first creation".

After some time, the evil Dr. Albert Wily found him in a state of disrepair and fixed him up.

- "Fixed him up" needs to be replaced with something else.

As a result of this, Proto Man got equipped with new battle gear.

- I don't like "got eqipped with". Or "as a result of this". I think "in a state of disrepair and [fixed him up], upgrading his combat systems in the process" or similar would work better.

Under the alias Break Man, he put these new weapons to use in an attempt to stop Mega Man in Mega Man 3. Despite these initial confrontations, he stopped helping Dr. Wily out in Mega Man 4, when Wily kidnapped a young girl to blackmail her father. Proto Man saved the girl, which allowed his "little brother" of sorts to stop Wily.

- When is he ever referred to as "Break Man"?

- "saved the girl" needs replacing and "of sorts" needs to go. There's also no need for the quotes around "little brother".

After that, Proto Man took a neutral approach to the conflicts started by the bat-haired maniac, only interfering when he feels it is absolutely necessary.

- "feels" should be "felt". Pretty sure this was mentioned before.

Proto Man is often seen wearing his trademark black shades and a slick yellow scarf, and he almost always hides his brown hair under his helmet. He also is known to whistle to announce his arrival before he shows up, almost without fail.

- "Almost without fail" is superfluous.

He prefers more mysterious clothing while dressing casually, such as trenchcoats and slacks. These facets of his character work collectively to uphold the aura of coolness he continually projects. He feels conflicted in regards to the ongoing war between Dr. Light and Dr. Wily; one is to thank for giving him life and the other is responsible for saving it, yet the two are constantly at odds with each other. Proto Man enjoys his life of solitude, and consequently seldom keeps in contact with those concerned about him. But no matter what happens, he always looks out for Mega Man; after all, isn't that his duty as the older brother?

- This part is pretty nice.

[Mirby]

This is taking forever. I seem to be suffering from some kind of writer's block, so I'm posting this here.

- "He was working on a different robot"?

Can't really tweak that phrasing without it being more redundant than it already is.

- I think we need to put back some of the explanation as to why he fled the lab, although not as specific as it was before. "Reasons he flet were right" sounds bad.

Hmm... I'll see what I can do; no promises though. Don't want to have this bio go through as many revisions as Wily's plans for world domination (though I'd hope we'd eventually succeed unlike him).

- "Was the first creation of Light" would be better as "was Light's first creation".

- "Fixed him up" needs to be replaced with something else.

Gotcha.

- I don't like "got eqipped with". Or "as a result of this". I think "in a state of disrepair and [fixed him up], upgrading his combat systems in the process" or similar would work better.

"get equipped with" is only used as a bit of a joke. you know, you defeat a boss in a mega man game, you "get equipped" with their weapon? Also I'm trying to keep it somewhat casual here; if they want more technical lingo, they can follow the source links. But for the purposes of this bio, I'm keeping it as it is, both for the sake of the little joke (funny, I think I was just as stubborn trying to keep Free Bird in the K.K. bio), and for the sake of making this easy to read while still informative.

- When is he ever referred to as "Break Man"?

- "saved the girl" needs replacing and "of sorts" needs to go. There's also no need for the quotes around "little brother".

Nowhere special, just some official materials. Also the game itself when you defeat the Doc Robots.

Also, how exactly would I go about replacing "saved the girl" with something else? Here's a list of possible ways that don't work and why they don't work

"saved his daughter" - whose daughter? Proto Man's? He has a daughter? Oh it's the father from the line before. Not clear enough.

"saved the doctor's daughter" - Wily's daughter? Oh that father from the line before is a doctor as well? Why not add that? Oh right, another irrelevant name that isn't necessary for this bio.

"saved the daughter" - THE daughter? Now that just sounds bad.

Really, all alternative phrasings to this sentence are pretty much unusable. For the purposes of the bio and keeping the information light while still introducing the character... "saved the girl" works best since in the sentence previous I do mention that "Wily kidnapped a young girl." I suppose I could replace it with "saved the young girl," reusing the same phrasing to draw the reader's eye back to the previous instance of it, but outside of that nothing else will work.

- "feels" should be "felt". Pretty sure this was mentioned before.

Creates a tense conflict with the rest of the sentence, which is written in present tense. Because of that tense setting, "feels" works. Also that's kinda how I wrote it and changing it to "felt" changes the sentence entirely.

- "Almost without fail" is superfluous.

Mmhmm.

- This part is pretty nice.

Glad you liked it.

I'll get to work on Mark V: BLUES NO WANA

wait that's the subtitle to Rockman 5 in Japan...

really for one who wanted to do this bio originally, there seems to be a few things here tied into the franchise of origin that you seem to be missing.

Here's Mark V.

-----

*whistles*

Sometime before Dr. Thomas Light created Mega Man, he worked on a different robot. This robot, Proto Man, was Light's first creation, although it wasn't long after completion that Proto Man fled the lab over a misunderstanding. After some time, the evil Dr. Albert Wily found him in a state of disrepair and mended him, upgrading his combat systems in the process. Under the alias Break Man, he put these new weapons to use in an attempt to stop Mega Man in Mega Man 3. Despite these initial confrontations, he stopped helping Dr. Wily out during the events of the fourth game, when Wily kidnapped a young girl to blackmail her father. Proto Man saved the girl, which allowed his "little brother" of sorts to stop Wily. After that, Proto Man took a neutral approach to the conflicts started by the bat-haired maniac, only interfering when he felt it was absolutely necessary.

Proto Man is often seen wearing his trademark black shades and a slick yellow scarf, and he almost always hides his brown hair under his helmet. He also is known to whistle to announce his arrival before he shows up. He prefers more mysterious clothing while dressing casually, such as trenchcoats and slacks. These facets of his character work collectively to uphold the aura of coolness he continually projects. He feels conflicted in regards to the ongoing war between Dr. Light and Dr. Wily; one is to thank for giving him life and the other is responsible for saving it, yet the two are constantly at odds with each other. Proto Man enjoys his life of solitude, and consequently seldom keeps in contact with those concerned about him. But no matter what happens, he always looks out for Mega Man; after all, isn't that his duty as the older brother?

Edited July 24, 2013 by Mirby

[Dafydd]

"get equipped with" is only used as a bit of a joke. you know, you defeat a boss in a mega man game, you "get equipped" with their weapon?

Right. Of course. But it still sounds shoddy in this context. I'll have to think about it some more.

Nowhere special, just some official materials. Also the game itself when you defeat the Doc Robots.

I played that game through fairly recently and had no recollection of that. My bad. I'm still not sure it's important enough to mention, however. Besides, it's a borderline spoiler, isn't it?

[Mirby]

No, not really.

I edited it above, but I'm not really willing to edit it further. Really, there's not much more that can be done to it without changing it dramatically.

In this bio's current form, I see nothing else that can be done with it.

in fact, there's a part of me that thinks that maybe, just maybe, you're not happy with me taking this bio from you in the first place. but then i think, nah that can't be. that would be incredibly unprofessional...

[Polo]

Sometime before Dr. Thomas Light created Mega Man, there was a different robot he worked on.

- "He was working on a different robot"?

This puts us in the moment/time span during which Proto Man was coming to fruition, but it also suggests we left Dr. Light in the midst of this and then forgot him, or that completing Proto Man would've taken ages. Would you rather the wording be "he worked on a different robot"? It would bring the clause into the active voice.

- I think we need to put back some of the explanation as to why he fled the lab, although not as specific as it was before. "Reasons he flet were right" sounds bad.

Saying it stemmed from a misunderstanding seems reasonable to me, although I would suggest the word "slight" be cut so it leaves readers' imaginations open without hindering them with "slight? what is he, a spoiled/bratty teenager?"

- "Was the first creation of Light" would be better as "was Light's first creation".

I agree.

I think "in a state of disrepair and [fixed him up], upgrading his combat systems in the process" or similar would work better.

Actually, that does work better than before, because starting the next sentence with "As a result of this" implies that the act itself rather than Wily was responsible for Proto Man's new weaponry (like it just "happened" and wasn't a hands-on fixation). Better to tie it closer together. (I see what you did there with "got equipped with," Mirby, but that's from Mega Man 2, not 3. )

- "saved the girl" needs replacing

Sorry, but I have to side with Mirby that the wording is clear enough. A girl is kidnapped, and Proto Man saves her.

There's also no need for the quotes around "little brother".

Well, I did suggest quotation marks only because it's not explicitly established earlier that Mega Man and Proto Man are brothers. Leaving out the quotes may even suggest a biological rather than robotic bond. If you want it to be clear, Mega Man's name can be added in that sentence, but then we'd have to worry about reducing the number of "Mega Man" iterations so close together. (Maybe "Mega Man 4" could be replaced with "the next game/fourth game/fourth installment"?)

After that, Proto Man took a neutral approach to the conflicts started by the bat-haired maniac, only interfering when he feels it is absolutely necessary.

- "feels" should be "felt". Pretty sure this was mentioned before.

Okay, let's try some experimentation...

PRESENT TENSE:

"After that, Proto Man took a neutral approach to the conflicts [...]; currently, he only interferes when he feels it is absolutely necessary." (The semicolon keeps both tenses in their respective clauses)

"After that, Proto Man took a neutral approach to the conflicts [...], and as a result, he only interferes when he feels it is absolutely necessary." (We're given a hint that we've moved beyond the past conflicts and now focus on the new ones)

PAST TENSE:

"After that, Proto Man took a neutral approach to the conflicts [...], only interfering when he felt it was absolutely necessary." ("interfering" can stay in the present -ing tense to give us a glimpse of Proto Man's general mode of action during that time frame that we look back on)

"After that, Proto Man took a neutral approach to the conflicts [...], and he only interfered when he felt it was absolutely necessary." (Consistent tense throughout, like a historical retelling)

It looks like the second paragraph is solid enough to be left alone, so we can focus our attention on the first.

[Mirby]

Awww, can't I keep the "got equipped with"

it's too good not to use

(I guess I'll remove it... edited version will be above when it's done)

[Dafydd]

Also, how exactly would I go about replacing "saved the girl" with something else?

I don't know, I was hoping someone would suggest something that I liked better. Something about those three words together rubs me the wrong way, but I'll defer to Polo's judgement. I tried "rescued", but it didn't help. I would like to replace "which allowed" with "allowing" in the next clause, however.

really for one who wanted to do this bio originally, there seems to be a few things here tied into the franchise of origin that you seem to be missing.

Assumed expertise was not one of the reasons I wanted to write the bio. I agree I should have read your sources more carefully before commenting on your bio, though.

in fact, there's a part of me that thinks that maybe, just maybe, you're not happy with me taking this bio from you in the first place.

Honestly, I really don't mind. I am getting a little frustrated about this taking so long, however - not that this is any of your fault.

Oh, and, I'd like to ask you not to edit previous posts - when you post a new version, do it in a new post. This makes it easier for us to see what changes have been made and enables us to refer to previous wordings for comparisons and whatnot.

This puts us in the moment/time span during which Proto Man was coming to fruition, but it also suggests we left Dr. Light in the midst of this and then forgot him, or that completing Proto Man would've taken ages.

There's also this, taken from one of the sources:

"Before Proto Man's completion, Dr. Light found there was a flaw in Proto Man's power generator and wanted to repair it. Proto Man seemingly misunderstood Dr. Light's intentions, fleeing the lab believing the operation would destroy his individuality."

So, arguably, Proto Man was never completed, at least not by Dr. Light. So saying that Dr. Light "was working" on him doesn't sound wrong, at least not to my ears. But I still take issue with this first sentence - it feels so bait-and-switchy, leaving the reader hanging, but not hooked. Maybe something like "Sometime before Dr. Thomas Light created Mega Man, he was working on a different robot: Proto Man." would do the trick. "Nearing completion" instead of "working" might also work. "A different" still doesn't sound right. How do you feel about "an other"?

Well, I did suggest quotation marks only because it's not explicitly established earlier that Mega Man and Proto Man are brothers. Leaving out the quotes may even suggest a biological rather than robotic bond.

I must have missed that suggestion of yours - I apologize. I still think it's a little overkill to keep both the quotation marks and "of sorts", however. So, keep the quotation marks, but do away with "of sorts".

PRESENT TENSE:

"After that, Proto Man took a neutral approach to the conflicts [...]; currently, he only interferes when he feels it is absolutely necessary." (The semicolon keeps both tenses in their respective clauses)

"After that, Proto Man took a neutral approach to the conflicts [...], and as a result, he only interferes when he feels it is absolutely necessary." (We're given a hint that we've moved beyond the past conflicts and now focus on the new ones)

PAST TENSE:

"After that, Proto Man took a neutral approach to the conflicts [...], only interfering when he felt it was absolutely necessary." ("interfering" can stay in the present -ing tense to give us a glimpse of Proto Man's general mode of action during that time frame that we look back on)

"After that, Proto Man took a neutral approach to the conflicts [...], and he only interfered when he felt it was absolutely necessary." (Consistent tense throughout, like a historical retelling)

This is why I love having you on the team, haha. But I don't see a verdict. Which one do you prefer? I still vote on the first of the past tense ones.

Also, compare the following...

He feels conflicted in regards to the ongoing war between Dr. Light and Dr. Wily; one is to thank for giving him life and the other is responsible for saving it, yet the two are constantly at odds with each other. Proto Man enjoys his life of solitude, and consequently seldom keeps in contact with those concerned about him.

Proto Man enjoys being alone and his own individuality above everything else. As a result, though, he rarely keeps in touch with those who care about him. Proto Man's conscience causes him to be very conflicted between Dr. Light, his creator and Dr. Wily, who saved his life.

Finally, why is Break Man being Proto Man's alter ego (or the fact he was built by Dr. Light, or that Dr. Cossack was being blackmailed by Dr. Wily in Mega Man 4) not a spoiler? Are we assuming everyone already knows this?

Edited July 25, 2013 by Dafydd

[Polo]

I would like to replace "which allowed" with "allowing" in the next clause, however.

That's fine.

So, arguably, Proto Man was never completed, at least not by Dr. Light. So saying that Dr. Light "was working" on him doesn't sound wrong, at least not to my ears. But I still take issue with this first sentence - it feels so bait-and-switchy, leaving the reader hanging, but not hooked. Maybe something like "Sometime before Dr. Thomas Light created Mega Man, he was working on a different robot: Proto Man." would do the trick. "Nearing completion" instead of "working" might also work.

I'm not sure I understand - the next sentence specifically says "This robot, Proto Man..." and "it wasn't long after completion..." which doesn't clearly justify adding Proto Man's name or "nearing completion" in the first sentence. True, Mega Man's mentioned by name once, but it feels more like a cameo to those who heard that name before - the reader's attention is drawn to this "other" that Dr. Light was responsible for, and the bio details that prototype's backstory. If you'll recall, Zero's bio starts similarly by mentioning X once and then going into detail about Zero. Do you think the name "Mega Man" draws attention away from Proto Man or something?

"A different" still doesn't sound right. How do you feel about "an other"?

One of my previous notes on the (nuked) first draft:

I know it's clear that Mega Man isn't the only robot Dr. Light constructed, but "another" should probably be changed to "a different" or "a prototype" or something, if only because saying "another" as a starting/primary unit sounds weird.

How does "different" not sound right?

keep the quotation marks, but do away with "of sorts".

Sure, we can do that.

PAST TENSE:

"After that, Proto Man took a neutral approach to the conflicts [...], only interfering when he felt it was absolutely necessary." ("interfering" can stay in the present -ing tense to give us a glimpse of Proto Man's general mode of action during that time frame that we look back on)

I still vote on the first of the past tense ones.

Yeah, Mirby added that one herself, and it gets my vote too.

Also, compare the following...

Ah, missed that. Sure, we can adjust it...

Proto Man's allegiance can probably be omitted. We already know that one doctor gave him life and the other saved his life (it's in the first paragraph), so reiterating it would be redundant. Saying he's conflicted is a cool bit of characterization, but it feels lost without the Light/Wily explanation. Knowing that Proto Man is a loner in the next sentence can leave his feelings and allegiance up in the air (it would shroud his thoughts in mystery, in a sense), further adding to his "aura of coolness." So the conflicted tidbit can also go.

His solitude can be merged with the last sentence, like: "Proto Man seldom keeps in contact with those concerned about him, but he always looks out for Mega Man; after all, isn't that his duty as the older brother?" Maybe something can be added back in to make it more profound rather than a basic fact like, "yeah, he cares for Mega Man. Whatever."

Finally, why is Break Man being Proto Man's alter ego (or the fact he was built by Dr. Light, or that Dr. Cossack was being blackmailed by Dr. Wily in Mega Man 4) not a spoiler? Are we assuming everyone already knows this?

"The statute of limitations on spoilers has expired," as they say. We already know Samus is a girl and Aeris... yeah.

Also, my summer courses just finished, so if it's okay with you, I can write another bio (Bayonetta). I know you put up the ban on claims for a reason, but we haven't heard from most writers of the other in-progress articles between our edits/reviews of Skull Kid and Proto Man. I want to move things forward as much as you do.

EDIT: Also, Happy Birthday Mascot Bio Thread! You're already 8 years old (!) - that's insane.

Edited July 26, 2013 by Polo
Happy b-day, thread

[Dafydd]

I'm not sure I understand - the next sentence specifically says "This robot, Proto Man..." and "it wasn't long after completion..."

Quoting the source again:

"Before Proto Man's completion, Dr. Light found there was a flaw in Proto Man's power generator and wanted to repair it. Proto Man seemingly misunderstood Dr. Light's intentions, fleeing the lab believing the operation would destroy his individuality."

Again: it was before completion that Proto Man fled the lab, so the second sentence needs rewriting anyway.

One of my previous notes on the (nuked) first draft:

... ok, seriously, I missed that too? Crap.

How does "different" not sound right?

I think it puts a lot of emphasis on the fact that Proto Man is unlike, dissimilar from Mega Man, rather than the fact that they are not the one and same robot. It also feels as if we're saying that Proto Man is different from Mega Man when it's really the other way around - Mega Man is the different, new design (I think this is what you were also getting at when you criticized "another"). Maybe it's only to my ears that this word has this sense of novelty, in which case, forget I said anything. Either way, "an other" is apparently something you can't even say in English, and "another" does sound wrong too (as if Dr. Light was cranking them out by the dozens), so keep "different".

"The statute of limitations on spoilers has expired," as they say. We already know Samus is a girl and Aeris... yeah.

If you say so.

Also, my summer courses just finished, so if it's okay with you, I can write another bio (Bayonetta). I know you put up the ban on claims for a reason, but we haven't heard from most writers of the other in-progress articles between our edits/reviews of Skull Kid and Proto Man. I want to move things forward as much as you do.

Sure... but I'd prefer if you don't post it in the thread until we're done with the ones already in progress, unless I say otherwise. The reason why we haven't heard from the others is probably because I haven't reminded them in a while - I wanted to get Proto Man all done first. I'm having trouble keeping track of our discussions already, obviously.

EDIT: Also, Happy Birthday Mascot Bio Thread! You're already 8 years old (!) - that's insane.

Yikes. I was thinking it was more like 5. Which is still a lot.

[Polo]

Again: it was before completion that Proto Man fled the lab, so the second sentence needs rewriting anyway.

Oh, okay. Okay. Let's see then...

"Before Dr. Thomas Light built Mega Man, he was working on a prototype robot. This subject, Proto Man, fled the lab for personal reasons despite not being completed yet."

Would this also solve the issue with the word "different"?

I'd prefer if you don't post it in the thread until we're done with the ones already in progress, unless I say otherwise.

Sure, no problem. We'll stick to tackling the queued bios one at a time.