OCR Mascot Bios - 20 more up for grabs!

[Dafydd]

Very cool, Polo.

Only a few gripes:

Bayonetta is an Umbra Witch, a commander of dark powers thanks to the pact she and her kind have made with demons from Inferno (hell).

I'm a commander of dark grammar thanks to the many hours I spent editing mascot bios... well, that actually doesn't sound so bad. Nevermind I said anything.

Bayonetta can activate Witch Time, a brief period that slows everything around her to a near halt and gives her a chance to deliver swift counterattacks.

I'm not sure whether I should call "ambiguous" on this one, but from now on, whenever the lady of the house has a period (briefs or no briefs), I'm going to call it "Witch Time". How about "Witch Time, slowing everything around her to a near halt for a brief period of time, giving her a chance to deliver swift counterattacks"? Or replacing "period" with "moment", if you don't feel like repeating the word "time".

[Soul Splint]

Hey guys, quick point-out: I just clicked on Mega Man X to see his bio and it took me to Terra's page...

[Darklink42]

Hey guys, quick point-out: I just clicked on Mega Man X to see his bio and it took me to Terra's page...

That's because he's currently acting as a stand in for all the Square Enix bios we had up there. They asked us to take down all the images of the characters they owned, but since people went to all the trouble of writing bios, those remained.

[Soul Splint]

Ah, ten-four. That's really, really sad. Really.

[Polo]

"Moment" works, sure. I uploaded Bayonetta's bio with that adjustment intact.

And since no one else wants to, I'll write Marth's bio.

[Dafydd]

Alright. Nice work

We're now down to 5 in-progress bios and none unclaimed. Still no word from Rexy or Nonamer.

Edited August 18, 2013 by Dafydd

[The Damned]

Yeah, sorry. Work is scaled up huge right now. 14 hours days and all that. Today is my first day off since Dafydd PM'ed me.

If someone would just point out what needs to be fixed with a big red marker, that would be great, because I no brain work good right now.

[Dafydd]

You wrote:

Pikachu is a small yellow rodent-like animal from the series Pokémon. Since its introduction in 1996, it has gone on to become the mascot character of the entire franchise. Appearing on Pokémon-related merchandise from books to stickers to clothing, Pikachu is synonymous with the series, and is one of the most well-known video game characters of all time.

Pikachu, referring to both individuals and groups, are quick and agile, overcoming their low physical strength and endurance. They concentrate on outmaneuvering their opponents, and then hitting them with powerful Electric attacks. They can use the paralyzing Thunder Wave to stun an opponent, or dash at them with a powerful Volt Tackle. Rarely, a Pikachu may know the powerful Surf attack, a tidal wave that crashes down upon an enemy and sweeps them away. Their electrical powers are so strong that when several of them gather, they can inadvertently cause thunderstorms.

Though typically found in lush woodlands like the Viridian Forest, they have been known to appear in cities or power-generating plants. They are attracted to the electricity in the wiring, and are sometimes spotted suckling the wiring like a straw, sipping voltage. Whether they increase their power this way or are simply replenishing their energy is unknown.

Pikachu prefer berries and fruits, but will eat man-made foods from time to time. Wild Pikachu are known to use their Electric attacks on hard berries, attempting to cook them until they soften. Sometimes, they underestimate their power, and accidentally incinerate the food they were trying to prepare.

Trainers (people that capture and raise Pokémon for battling) who wish to use a Pikachu are advised to watch out for the red spots on Pikachu's cheeks. They are actually pouches which store vast amounts of electrical energy. Careless contact can result in a powerful shock. Lastly, Pikachu are known to quickly turn around and bite whoever tries to grab their tail. With enough love and attention, Pikachu will not only follow a Trainer around, but may even sit upon their shoulders or head. Loyal and steadfast, Pikachu will defend fellow Pokémon and humans against enemies and natural disasters. They are deeply affectionate and make lifelong friends with those they trust.

Sources:

1.) http://bulbapedia.bulbagarden.net/wiki/Pikachu#Pok.C3.A9dex_entries_3

2.) http://bulbapedia.bulbagarden.net/wiki/Pok%C3%A9mon_Yellow_Version

-----

The only part I don't really like is where I put in the bit in the second paragraph explaining how the name refers to both singular and plural. I know it explains it, but it also feels kind of forced in.

I then wrote that I don't think it sounds forced in, but what I meant by what I said earlier wasn't that you should explain that Pikachu refers to both singular and plural (which is self-evident, really, reading the bio), but that it refers to both one specific, individual Pikachu, named Pikachu (which I believe to be the one used as a mascot for the series) and the species as a whole.

Also,

Lastly, one should never grab a Pikachu by its tail. They will quickly turn around and bite you.

As Polo mentioned earlier, don't address the reader as if you're writing a manual. This is the only place you do this in the bio, so it's an easy fix.

Overall, the bio is a little on the long side. Things like how they overcook berries are fun little facts that add personality, but remember who you're writing for. On the other hand, maybe reducing the number of paragraphs would make this feel more succinct.

Then Polo wrote this (I fixed all of these for you already, but for reference):

- "books to sticker to clothing" --> stickers

- "crashed down upon an enemy" --> crashes

- "so strong, that" --> You can cut the comma here (it won't sound weird without it)

- "they may inadvertently cause thunderstorms" --> Saying "they can" helps show that Pikachu-made thunderstorms are a possibility rather than speculation.

- "power generating" --> "power-generating" (hyphen)

Looks like you missed these notes. Or do you disagree with them for some reason?

- Since Pikachu's attack types are Electric (capitalized), it looks like you can also capitalize "electric" in the 2nd paragraph.

- "live-long" --> lifelong

- The last two paragraphs look like they can act as one, since both talk about Trainers taming Pikachu.

Edited September 17, 2013 by Dafydd

[Unununium]

Quick suggestion... "humans that capture" -> "people who capture"

Talk of humans seems impersonal and cold, and it's clear you prefer a friendly and playful tone.

[Dafydd]

Agreed. Fixed.

Edited September 18, 2013 by Dafydd

[Dafydd]

I was wrong about September. Very, very wrong. Here's Crash Bandicoot with all the suggestions since the last version included:

A breakthrough in platform video game design, Crash Bandicoot started life on the Sony PlayStation, going as far as being an unofficial mascot for the system throughout the 1990s.

A reject from Dr. Neo Cortex's globe-dominating mutant army, Crash typically sets out to stop whatever diabolical scheme Cortex has to take over the world, usually involving the power of tall purple 'power crystals.' In spite of being enemies, there have been instances of Crash and Cortex working together throughout the series' progression, usually against a common foe.

Crash is often joined by the guardian mask Aku Aku, who acts as a mentor and shield; his sister Coco, a much smarter bandicoot capable of hacking into Cortex's data systems and building many gadgets, including the virtual 'warp rooms' early on in the series' run; Crunch, a bandicoot obsessed with his own fitness and strength; and many small animals that guide them from place to place, including a polar bear cub, a tiger cub, and a T. rex hatchling.

Crash himself is highly expressive in spite of his limited verbal skills, mostly through exaggerated body language. He's not afraid of getting hurt even with Aku Aku getting in the way, and he would easily throw himself in the line of danger just to do what's right. His range of attacks originally started with a jump and a spin attack — which solidified his namesake due to his 'crashing' into boxes this way — but he eventually learnt new tricks over time, including the belly flop, a slide attack, and even wielding a fruit bazooka! Outside of his adventuring time, he can be seen relaxing at the beach, whether it be sunbathing, wakeboarding, feasting on wumpa fruit, or spending time with Coco and Crunch.

The original Crash title was critically acclaimed for its 3D-on-rails game design and cartoony visuals, and has sold over 6 million units worldwide. Additionally, Crash is one of very few Western-created game franchises to receive a huge following in Japan. This was further helped by having new cosmetic additions and bonuses exclusive to the Japanese releases, with some being brought back into future Western releases, including Crash's signature victory dance and the recurring joke character Fake Crash.

Edited September 21, 2013 by Dafydd

[Liontamer]

PlayStation

Dr. Neo Cortex

The short form of Tyrannosaurus rex is T. rex with the T always capitalized.

"Crunch, an unrelated bandicoot" seems like an awkward way to state that he's not Crash's family. I'd just say "a bandicoot obsessed..." with the lack of any familial relation already clarifying they're not family.

Edited September 17, 2013 by Liontamer

[Dafydd]

Nice catches, much appreciated, and fixed.

Here's Vyse, with a few changes of my own (feel free to crit) based on my comment earlier (original version here)

In the world of Arcadia, all of the continents are floating islands. Six colored moons orbit the planet, and lunar asteroids fall from them regularly. These "Moon Stones" power nearly everything people use on a daily basis, from machinery to magic. Using Moon Stone-powered ships, people sail through the skies to trade, fish, and make a living.

In this world lives Vyse, a teenager with a heart full of curiosity. His family and closest friends are all members of the Blue Rogues, a faction of air pirates who steal from the rich and then use what they've stolen to protect the innocent and help the needy. Vyse, serving alongside his father in his band of pirates, is formidable in combat thanks to his skills with twin cutlasses. Equally skilled at fighting is Aika, a feisty redhead and his best friend from childhood, with whom he often teams up to take down large groups of opponents without fear.

The primary targets of Vyse and his fellow Blue Rogues are the forces of the Valuan Empire, who come from the more advanced civilization under the Yellow Moon, and whose empress is obsessed with controlling all that she sees. The Blue Rogues also battle with the Black Pirates, a rival marauder faction that doesn't hesitate to kill and steal from everyone they come across. But Vyse has always desired to explore more than just the area near his home, to fly "beyond the sunset" and encounter things people have only imagined. He and Aika thus find their worldview thrown for a loop when they meet Fina, a mysterious girl from an unknown land. Fina has a secret mission that puts her in direct conflict with the Valuan Empire and their ambition. In their attempts to keep their new friend safe from harm, Vyse and Aika realize this mission will take them on a trip around Arcadia, to lands no one has seen in millennia. Unable to resist the call of heroism and discovery, the three set sail for the adventure of a lifetime.

Now then, I have one gripe left with this, and it's the "thus find their worldview thrown for a loop". To throw for a loop has a negative sound to it, in all the definitions I've found, and it should be something positive. "are thus very excited" gets the message across, but sounds stupid. Also, "in their attempts to keep their new friend safe from harm, Vyse and Aika realize this mission will take them" places as if they had already joined the mission. So maybe "this mission would take them" rather than "will". Furthermore, in the last sentence it sounds as if Fina is as excited and motivated by the same feelings as the other two, which I don't know to be true.

Edited September 21, 2013 by Dafydd

[Dafydd]

And finally, Amaterasu, last updated in May, here left nearly in its original state:

When the land of Nippon is once again shrouded in darkness brought upon by the fearsome demon Orochi, the tree spirit Sakuya, in desperation, summons the great Sun Goddess Ōkami Amaterasu. Appearing as a white wolf to ordinary people, her red markings appear only to those who have strong faith in the gods.

Joined by a wandering artist named Issun, Amaterasu carries the Celestial Brush, which she uses to manipulate the world around her to revitalize the land and ward off evil. She also carries on her back the Divine Instrument, which is her primary mode of attack.

Throughout her adventures, she uses the powers granted to her by the Celestial Brush Gods to defeat the evil that resides throughout the land. As the land learns of her benevolent deeds [or, as word of her benevolent deeds spreads], more people offer praise to her, which enhances her divine powers. With the powers granted to her, Amaterasu sets out to save Nippon from evil.

Notes not fixed:

- This very first sentence is a little long. It's not really a problem though, and I can't think of a way to break it up without breaking the flow, but you're welcome to try.

- Try to find a way to avoid this repetition of "the land".

- "once again shrouded in darkness" --> To add to Dafydd's words, if the story of Nippon and god/demon intervention is cyclical, you'll have to establish that more clearly (otherwise having "once again" in the first sentence feels out of place without backup).

I'd still prefer to give Nonamer a chance to work some more on this, but it's been over a month since he last logged in, and 4 months since he last updated this. It needs more meat on the bones though. Nothing wrong with a short bio, but take away the reiterations and there's hardly anything left.

We're also awaiting Polo's Marth bio, which today marks as 1 month in the making. 3 of the above bios are very near completion though.

Edited September 17, 2013 by Dafydd

[Polo]

Don't worry, I'm not dead. I just had to deal with some ugly setbacks this past month. I'll try and get Marth done by this weekend.

About the other in-progress bios...

Pikachu:

- "They can use the paralyzing Thunder Wave to stun an opponent" --> If an attack is "paralyzing," then of course it'll "stun" an opponent. Maybe "devastating" would work better?

- "a powerful Volt Tackle" --> This "powerful" comes soon after a previous mention - perhaps "swift" could take its place.

- "Rarely, a Pikachu may know the powerful Surf attack" --> "Rarely, a Pikachu may know the attack known as Surf" (also to drop the number of "powerful" iterations)

- "known to appear in cities or power-generating plants" --> AND, not or, would include all possible areas Pikachu can appear in.

- As we mentioned before, the paragraph about berries should most likely be left out.

- "Trainers (people that capture and raise Pokémon for battling) who wish to use a Pikachu" --> Swap the bolded terms.

Crash Bandicoot:

- "video-game" --> "video game" (no hyphen needed)

- 'power crystals'. --> 'power crystals.' (move the period inside the single quotation mark)

- " - which solidified his namesake due to his 'crashing' into boxes this way - " --> Replace the hyphens - with actual dashes — for visibility.

Vyse:

- Last time, I said this:

- It seems like saying his heart is "full of curiosity," while true, is almost a direct contradiction to the "pirate life" sentences that follow (his eyes are wide at the wonders of the world while cutting people down with cutlasses). Maybe if you added another adjectival noun or two, they could act as a buffer to ease the transition to his daily actions, like: "a heart full of curiosity, eagerness, and resolution." Or maybe "a heart full of curiosity and a firm resolve." Something like that.

Arrow said he liked the "firm resolve" bit, which would change the 2nd paragraph's 1st sentence to "...a teenager with a heart full of curiosity and a firm resolve."

- Concerning your issue with the sentence talking about Aika, I'm okay with the wording as: "Equally skilled at fighting is Aika, a feisty redhead and his best friend from childhood, with whom he often teams up to take down large groups of opponents without fear."

- I also said:

- I think the 2nd and 3rd paragraphs can be combined, since it's a small step from describing Vyse and Aika's fighting prowess to revealing who they use it against, but "The primary targets of Vyse and his fellow Blue Rogues" should probably be reworded to fit within the paragraph rather than feel like a separate starter. Perhaps: "Their primary targets include..."

Personally, I think the sentences covering Vyse's true wishes and meeting Fina and all should be kept in a separate paragraph, since going over their enemies immediately before almost implies "eh, Vyse and Aika kick their asses for breakfast, what else is there to do but go toward the horizon?" The last paragraph could begin via segue, like: "Despite the daily excitement and danger of being a sky pirate, Vyse has always desired..."

To throw for a loop has a negative sound to it, in all the definitions I've found, and it should be something positive. "are thus very excited" gets the message across, but sounds stupid.

Any of these work? "He and Aika thus..."

"find their lives turned upside-down"

"receive a rare opportunity"

"become surprised and intrigued"

"get their wishes granted"

"in their attempts to keep their new friend safe from harm, Vyse and Aika realize this mission will take them" places as if they had already joined the mission. So maybe "this mission would take them" rather than "will".

I think "will" works even if they were to ultimately decline. Saying "would" implies they're really detached from the possibility of it happening to them, and they're already involved insofar as they're keeping Fina safe. They're altruistic adventurers, after all.

in the last sentence it sounds as if Fina is as excited and motivated by the same feelings as the other two, which I don't know to be true.

How about: "...the two young pirates join their latest ally on the adventure of a lifetime."

Amaterasu: I agree that the bio's kinda threadbare, so in places where it could be fleshed out a bit, I added some more stuff in bold...

All is peaceful in the country of Nippon until Orochi, a fearsome demon once defeated many years ago, returns to shroud the land in darkness. The tree spirit Sakuya, in desperation, summons the great Sun Goddess Ōkami Amaterasu to return light and peace to the world. Appearing as a white wolf to ordinary people, her red markings appear only to those who have strong faith in the gods. She is accompanied by a wandering artist named Issun, an excitable bug that acts as a source of exposition for the silent goddess (whom he calls "Ammy").

Amaterasu carries the Celestial Brush, which she uses to manipulate the world around her. Using her tail as the brush, she paints shapes and strokes that become real objects to help solve puzzles and advance. She also carries on her back the Divine Instrument, which is her primary mode of attacking demons and other enemies.

Throughout her adventures, Amaterasu meets other Celestial Brush gods like herself and learns unique abilities from them. As word of her benevolent deeds spreads, more people offer praise to her, which enhances her divine powers. Backed by faith, companions, and her own steadfast determination, Amaterasu sets out to save Nippon from evil.

This should fix most of our issues, I think.

[Arrow]

I'd actually been poking in the Vyse bio for the last two weeks but have been unable to do more than change a single word here and there and don't feel my efforts are leading towards any good. So Dafydd, if you want to finish it off for me as it looks like you are, I'd greatly appreciate your help, and I apologize to both of you that I dropped out of contact for so long.

Furthermore, in the last sentence it sounds as if Fina is as excited and motivated by the same feelings as the other two, which I don't know to be true.

How about: "...the two young pirates join their latest ally on the adventure of a lifetime."

I just wanted to point out here that Fina's part of the adventure is specifically her mission as given to her by her people, and is well aware of facts about the areas they're going to that Vyse and Aika have never seen, so she's not excited about the destinations persay. She is, however, a very sheltered woman who has found her first true friends in Vyse and Aika, and so is generally happy and relatively excited about the idea of traveling with them. Just so you two know for context if that changes how you want to word this.

[Polo]

Marth

"I am a prince before I am a son or brother."

Bio

Marth debuted as the primary protagonist in the medieval fantasy series Fire Emblem. In the first game, he is the sixteen-year-old prince of the island kingdom Altea, and he suffers a string of misfortunes when an opposing army suddenly attacks. Guided by the dragon Medeus, the invaders slay the boy's father, kidnap his sister, and effectively force him into exile. Disadvantaged but not bereft, Marth proceeds to amass his own army of followers in order to turn the tide of war and recover his land and his sister.

As a prince, Marth strives to uphold a sense of duty and nobility even in the face of danger. He battles opponents equipped with his trusty Falchion, and in his travels he receives the eponymous Fire Emblem, a shield with mystical properties that go beyond basic protection. More vital to Marth than a sword and a shield, however, is a certain "armor" called trust. More than once, the sting of betrayal teaches the young prince an important lesson about loyalty and alliances, and so those willing to fight alongside him and lay down their lives for his sake (some of them childhood friends) are among his most valued allies. In turn, his devotion to his subjects is so strong that the game is lost if he falls in battle.

Marth fleshed out his sword-swinging abilities in Super Smash Bros. Melee, his international debut. Slashes dominate his moveset, and they come in long-reaching and continuous flavors. The tip of his Falchion deals more damage than the hilt, emphasizing Marth's preference to attack from a distance. He can also use a move aptly named Counter, in which he assumes a stance that lures his opponents in to strike before he retaliates on the spot. Much like in his native series, Marth maintains a focused mindset and will stop at nothing to emerge victorious.

References

Fire Emblem Wiki - "Marth"

SmashWikia - "Marth (SSBM)"

Wikipedia - "Fire Emblem"

[Dafydd]

Don't worry, I'm not dead.

I didn't. Not that I wouldn't miss you Thanks for the quick reply (I only fixed Crash so far, but I'll get back to the others soon) and the quick bio post.

Now then;

"Altea, and he suffers"

Any particular reason why "who" wouldn't work instead of "and he"? Either works fine. I think I would've used "who", and I'm not sure why.

He battles opponents equipped with his trusty Falchion

Pesky enemies, always getting their hands on his sword. Can't they bring their own weapons to the fight? Jokes aside though, I actually misunderstood that sentence on the first read.

a certain "armor" called trust.

It looks weird to put the thing that's being called something in quotes and the thing it's being called in not-quotes. On the other hand, it would look even worse with quotes around both. I'm not sure what to do about this one, if anything.

The tip of his Falchion deals more damage than the hilt

Just out of curiosity, would it change the meaning at all if "his Falchion" was just "Falchion"?

Other than that, high-quality goods as per usual.

I'd actually been poking in the Vyse bio for the last two weeks but have been unable to do more than change a single word here and there and don't feel my efforts are leading towards any good. So Dafydd, if you want to finish it off for me as it looks like you are, I'd greatly appreciate your help, and I apologize to both of you that I dropped out of contact for so long.

Apology accepted - I know how it is. Thanks for the clarification, also. Keep an eye out for the final version and let us know if there's anything in it you don't like. That shouldn't be too hard.

Edited September 23, 2013 by Dafydd

[NovaReaper]

Just some corrections:

It looks weird to put the thing that's being called something in quotes and the thing it's being called in not-quotes. On the other hand, it would look even worse with quotes around both. I'm not sure what to do about this one, if anything.

Marth doesn't wear any armor in his games, so trust serves as it's equivalent. (Honestly, it could also be a million other things as well)

Just out of curiosity, would it change the meaning at all if "his Falchion" was just "Falchion"?

Completely. There are other Falchions, just this one is his own.

[Dafydd]

Marth doesn't wear any armor in his games, so trust serves as it's equivalent. (Honestly, it could also be a million other things as well)

I get the metaphor, I'm just having issues with the, um. *looks up words* Typography? Punctuation? There's a word for this, I know it, I just don't know it. The quote marks.

Completely. There are other Falchions, just this one is his own.

In that case, why is it capitalized? We had a discussion about capitalization earlier on, and concluded that when you come up with a word or a name for something you can capitalize it, at least in English. But falchion is an old word in English and isn't normally capitalized, just like most other nouns aren't.

EDIT: Or are you saying that had Marth been wielding another Falchion, it wouldn't have made more damage with the tip than the hilt?

Edited September 21, 2013 by Dafydd

[Darklink42]

Marth's Falchion is "The Falchion" for the purpose of the Fire Emblem series. While there is a sword type of the same name (in real life, not in the game series), the one he uses is a capital lettered sword because there is only one. I agree with Dafydd that it's odd to call it "his" since there is only one, (until Awakening, but that's a different thing) although it should remain capitalized because it's a unique, legendary weapon.

[Dafydd]

I agree with Dafydd that it's odd to call it "his" since there is only one

It's not really odd per se, I don't think. You could talk about King (not sure why that's capitalized. Is it because it's a title, like Dr.?) Arthur and his Excalibur, even if there's only one, to emphasize whom it belongs to - but I don't see a reason to emphasize ownership in that particular sentence in the bio. Still, I asked out of genuine curiosity, and not because I thought it looked wrong.

Edited September 21, 2013 by Dafydd

[Darklink42]

It's not really odd per se, I don't think. You could talk about King (not sure why that's capitalized. Is it because it's a title, like Dr.?) Arthur and his Excalibur, only if there's only one, to emphasize whom it belongs to - but I don't see a reason to emphasize ownership in that particular sentence in the bio. Still, I asked out of genuine curiosity, and not because I thought it looked wrong.

Sorry. I guess I meant to say that to me it's odd, because there's no need to emphasize ownership of something when there is only one such object in existence. If I said "This is my Falchion" it implies that there is another, or several, Falchion somewhere else in the world. Instead, I'd say "This is Falchion, my blade" or "This is my sword, Falchion." The same is true of Excalibur. There was never a twin version of Excalibur in existence in that mythos (despite what RPGs would have us think), so it would be introduced as "Arthur and Excalibur." In short speech, it would even just be "Arthur and his sword", because we know which sword it was he had.

Edit: Yes, I believe King is capitalized because it's a title.

Edit 2: To further explain, to my knowledge, the emphasis is generally on the holder of the object in this case, not the object itself. The owner may change, but the object does not, hence why the object is given a capitalized, unique name. That being said, it's still an object. So you don't get weird sentences where, for example, "Falchion and its Marth" are a thing either, though you could have "Falchion and its owner/wielder."

Edited September 21, 2013 by Darklink42

[Dafydd]

Hmm.

"Falchion and its Marth"

Yeah, that sounds... really weird. But I think that's partly because the Falchion isn't a living thing and can't really own anything, especially not living things such as Marth.

[NovaReaper]

Alright, let me try to explain it more.

In the beginning, there was one Falchion, which was Marth's. However, in the same game, there is a fake Falchion. So far, that's two.

Then in the 13th game, the original Falchion gets old and rusty, and becomes the Sealed Falchion which is much weaker. After a point, you get the Parallel Falchion, which is a direct copy of the original; but not the same.

Finally, the Sealed Falchion regains it's strength and morphs into the Exalted Falchion, which is stronger than the original.

The Falchion is the only one with those properties that you mentioned. Not the Fake/Parallel/Exalted.

(Also, the Falchion is always capitalized in the games)