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The Grand List Of Console RPG Clichés

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Don't know if it has been already posted, but here is a link all RPG-hardcore-players will surely appreciate

http://project-apollo.net/text/rpg.html

A few samples :

Third Law of Travel

The only way to travel by land between different areas of a continent will always be through a single narrow pass in a range of otherwise impenetrable mountains. Usually a palace or monastery will have been constructed in the pass, entirely filling it, so that all intracontinental traffic is apparently required to abandon their vehicles and go on foot up stairs and through the barracks, library and throne room to get to the other side. This may explain why most people just stay home. (In some cases a cave or underground tunnel may be substituted for the palace or monastery, but it will still be just as inconvenient with the added bonuses of cave-ins and nonsensical elevator puzzles.)

Gojira Axiom

Giant monsters capable of leveling cities all have the following traits:


  • Low intelligence
  • Enormous strength
  • Projectile attacks
  • Gigantic teeth and claws, designed, presumably, to eat other giant monsters
  • Vulnerable to weapons 1/10,000th its size
  • Ecologically sensitive

"Mommy, why didn't they just use a Phoenix Down on Aeris?"

Don't expect battle mechanics to carry over into the "real world."

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Last updated June 2004. It's even older than that, and I'm pretty damn sure I've seen a longer list before.

I know, I know, but last time I checked it, it wasn't translated in other languages, so now more people can enjoy, and it's never wrong to abuse of good things, even when they are old ^^

btw, if you can find again the longer list, please post it.

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A Xanga post that I spit out some time ago. Had a hell of a lot of fun writing it.

Yeah, I should write a book someday. It would be filled with things like "+20 enchanted swords of (almost but not quite) excessive sparkliness", and "Holy thrice Blessed mana encrusted earmuffs of complete and total protection from pretty much anything bad." The main character would be a gangly kid named Sedgewick. I would fly in the face of the whole worn out "orphan pig farmer discovers his true heritage and saves the world" thing as well. If you've played enough RPGs, you know exactly what I'm talking about. I find it ironic that time and cliche have made the orphan pig farmer, the proverbial unlikely hero, into the most obvious choice for the job. Give me a room full of brawny barbarians and blonde haired egotistical British men clad in shining steel and scantily clad women who happen to have claymores and one small inconsequential orphan pig farmer who is (bless his soul) only there for the food, and I tell you, I would know what to do. Like the climactic final moments of Indiana Jones' (purportedly) Last Crusade, I swipe away the jewel encrusted chalices of kings, meaningless trinkets, all of them, only to wrap my fingers around the carpenter's goblet. The honor of my sword rests on the shoulders of the orphan pig farmer.

"Do you not see your folly?" scream my 'loyal subjects.' "He's the PIG BOY!"

"I know." I say, as I lean back into my warm coat of burgundy dyed weasel skins, "And if you'll do me the honor of waiting 80 or so hours for the rest of the game to go by, we can all go outside and celebrate his inevitable victory by watching thousands of Japanese names scroll through the sky. Victory is assured, I tell you. But I warn you as well, it could be as many as 120 hours. It really depends on whether he's a side-quest type of orphan pig farmer or not." And with a low burp, I hunker down into my weasel skins and begin snoring fitfully, as my subjects look on in amazement.

And hark! 92 hours, 37 minutes, 11 seconds, 78 levels, untold millions in profits and 7684 swords later, the credits roll, the universe is saved, and the 'orphan' pig farmer returns, having killed his evil father using aid from his mother who happened to be a goddess, riding a very nice horse of destiny, sporting a spiffing suit of spiky armor, and hauling a mammoth blade of justice and truth. Thank goodness we chose the right man to wrench closed the gaping doors of Oblivion.

Oh silly me. I forgot the unfortunate beautiful girl he ran across shortly after reaching level 5. You know, the princess that ran away from her dull life at the castle to wander the wilderness looking for adventure. Well, she hit the inn a few miles out and ran out of money, So she's trying to find a Western Union to mooch off dad. Anyways, he found her and they hung out and of course they fell in love but she's the princess and he's the orphan pig boy so it could never work. Que sera sera says she, I love you all the more. That's all fine and dandy says he, but I could never give you the life you desire. Oh but you could says she, you manhunk you. I think if you get to around level 78 and get a horse and some spiky armor and a massive blade of justice and truth and wrench the gates of Oblivion closed and come riding back victorious, we might be able to make it work. So of course he does. The only thing about it that doesn't make any sense is that she's a magician. The princess is always a magician. No arguments. Couldn't she conjure up some clothing? Kinda sketchy, I think.

You think I'm joking. Neal Foster is very likely laughing through the tears of hysteria and Eric Overmeyer, if he reads this, is nodding sagely, stroking his chin with one hand as he plays World of WarCraft with the other. Nay, ladies and gentlemen, I seek the higher path. In my story, the gangly kid has parents. Sedgewick knows exactly who his parents are. His father's a blacksmith and his mother's a baker, and he's actually their child, no extramarital strings attached, and he likes it, and there's not a single pig to be found for three fiefdoms around. He's a regular kid.

Good lord, this is a masterpiece. I love it.

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I love the list and the story.

And while I can come up with exceptions to a lot of those rules, and that some are obviously meant for one game in particular, I find that list to be unsurprisingly accurate.

Hooray for RPGs

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I didn't see my personal favorite skimming through...

- RPGs that give you virtually nothing, but expect you the save the world...

"The kingdom is in danger, and we call upon you to save us all from the evil that approaches. Now here's a stick and five bucks. GO FORTH AND CONQUER!"

You're a king! Gimme some damned money ya cheap bastard, so I can buy something other than the absolute weakest armor and weaponry. At least let me get the second weakest.

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I didn't see my personal favorite skimming through...

- RPGs that give you virtually nothing, but expect you the save the world...

"The kingdom is in danger, and we call upon you to save us all from the evil that approaches. Now here's a stick and five bucks. GO FORTH AND CONQUER!"

You're a king! Gimme some damned money ya cheap bastard, so I can buy something other than the absolute weakest armor and weaponry. At least let me get the second weakest.

It wasn't there. That's a good one, though.

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A Xanga post that I spit out some time ago. Had a hell of a lot of fun writing it.

Yeah, I should write a book someday. It would be filled with things like "+20 enchanted swords of (almost but not quite) excessive sparkliness", and "Holy thrice Blessed mana encrusted earmuffs of complete and total protection from pretty much anything bad." The main character would be a gangly kid named Sedgewick. I would fly in the face of the whole worn out "orphan pig farmer discovers his true heritage and saves the world" thing as well. If you've played enough RPGs, you know exactly what I'm talking about. I find it ironic that time and cliche have made the orphan pig farmer, the proverbial unlikely hero, into the most obvious choice for the job. Give me a room full of brawny barbarians and blonde haired egotistical British men clad in shining steel and scantily clad women who happen to have claymores and one small inconsequential orphan pig farmer who is (bless his soul) only there for the food, and I tell you, I would know what to do. Like the climactic final moments of Indiana Jones' (purportedly) Last Crusade, I swipe away the jewel encrusted chalices of kings, meaningless trinkets, all of them, only to wrap my fingers around the carpenter's goblet. The honor of my sword rests on the shoulders of the orphan pig farmer.

"Do you not see your folly?" scream my 'loyal subjects.' "He's the PIG BOY!"

"I know." I say, as I lean back into my warm coat of burgundy dyed weasel skins, "And if you'll do me the honor of waiting 80 or so hours for the rest of the game to go by, we can all go outside and celebrate his inevitable victory by watching thousands of Japanese names scroll through the sky. Victory is assured, I tell you. But I warn you as well, it could be as many as 120 hours. It really depends on whether he's a side-quest type of orphan pig farmer or not." And with a low burp, I hunker down into my weasel skins and begin snoring fitfully, as my subjects look on in amazement.

And hark! 92 hours, 37 minutes, 11 seconds, 78 levels, untold millions in profits and 7684 swords later, the credits roll, the universe is saved, and the 'orphan' pig farmer returns, having killed his evil father using aid from his mother who happened to be a goddess, riding a very nice horse of destiny, sporting a spiffing suit of spiky armor, and hauling a mammoth blade of justice and truth. Thank goodness we chose the right man to wrench closed the gaping doors of Oblivion.

Oh silly me. I forgot the unfortunate beautiful girl he ran across shortly after reaching level 5. You know, the princess that ran away from her dull life at the castle to wander the wilderness looking for adventure. Well, she hit the inn a few miles out and ran out of money, So she's trying to find a Western Union to mooch off dad. Anyways, he found her and they hung out and of course they fell in love but she's the princess and he's the orphan pig boy so it could never work. Que sera sera says she, I love you all the more. That's all fine and dandy says he, but I could never give you the life you desire. Oh but you could says she, you manhunk you. I think if you get to around level 78 and get a horse and some spiky armor and a massive blade of justice and truth and wrench the gates of Oblivion closed and come riding back victorious, we might be able to make it work. So of course he does. The only thing about it that doesn't make any sense is that she's a magician. The princess is always a magician. No arguments. Couldn't she conjure up some clothing? Kinda sketchy, I think.

You think I'm joking. Neal Foster is very likely laughing through the tears of hysteria and Eric Overmeyer, if he reads this, is nodding sagely, stroking his chin with one hand as he plays World of WarCraft with the other. Nay, ladies and gentlemen, I seek the higher path. In my story, the gangly kid has parents. Sedgewick knows exactly who his parents are. His father's a blacksmith and his mother's a baker, and he's actually their child, no extramarital strings attached, and he likes it, and there's not a single pig to be found for three fiefdoms around. He's a regular kid.

Good lord, this is a masterpiece. I love it.

seriously, this made my day.

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I remember reading this 9 years ago.

OLD.

oh, could you already read 9 years ago ?

lol, sorry, twas easy, but honestly I don't understand people like you or puub or Bahamuth, letting a mark of your visit for such "useful" purposes. There are tons of topics here, and on other forums all over Internet, on which I too could write my opinions, letting the world know what my very important person thinks about such or such matter, but it consumes time, and so I have choices to make.

What I mean is, even if you used only 10 seconds of your time to write this comment, don't you think there would have been another activity on which these 10 seconds could have been better used, something that could have had a bigger impact, be it on your life or someone else's ? Please, don't take it personally, anyone can use it to take a moment to think about what he really wants to do with his life ; we all need focus (and it's an everyday training) if we want to accomplish anything ; negative non-constructive comments are the fruit of dispersion.

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Its been posted before - besides, I have to waste my time around, I'm a moderator :( . I was just being honest about my thoughts about that list. Some of those in the list really only applies to one game as another has mentioned, and some were pretty crappy.

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oh, could you already read 9 years ago ?

lol, sorry, twas easy, but honestly I don't understand people like you or puub or Bahamuth, letting a mark of your visit for such "useful" purposes. There are tons of topics here, and on other forums all over Internet, on which I too could write my opinions, letting the world know what my very important person thinks about such or such matter, but it consumes time, and so I have choices to make.

What I mean is, even if you used only 10 seconds of your time to write this comment, don't you think there would have been another activity on which these 10 seconds could have been better used, something that could have had a bigger impact, be it on your life or someone else's ? Please, don't take it personally, anyone can use it to take a moment to think about what he really wants to do with his life ; we all need focus (and it's an everyday training) if we want to accomplish anything ; negative non-constructive comments are the fruit of dispersion.

Damn right.

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