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Conflicted and Tired


Damashii!!
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(1/4)

 

Hello everybody. New faces, longtime veterans, and everyone in between.

Humbly begging the mods and staff to NOT move this into offtopic or anywhere else. This is a community topic about two veteran members very directly related to Gaming circles, and specifically the OCR family. It’s long, but this is coming from years of silence.

 Convenient TL;DR:

 I am no longer mentally equipped, emotionally patient, or socially intelligent enough to know how to peacefully handle this issue with @DiGi Valentine . For years, every time we’ve been in this position to waterbend the beef under the bridge, he would simply resort to Agni Kai lightning bend stabbing me in the back or gaslight kicking me into a hole which should have been where we buried the hatchet.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=MJlxC6ea4uU&list=PLXrWyBDPlUz13EWIoa4t_6dxKBD6iE-GQ&index=6

 

Actions speak louder than words, results speak louder than intentions.

When somebody is speaking to you with YEARS of repeated actions and results you have to learn it’s not a stuttering matrix glitch. This is clearly communicating who the person really is and what they actually think of you and the relationship. Some of us can’t recognize the difference between red and green flags due to social incompetence, naivete, or conflict-avoidance mixed with too many benefit of the doubt instances (you give an inch, they take a mile).

 

I have a kneejerk gut feeling on how to handle this, just seeking out side opinions remotely at all there is a better way that I'm not seeing.

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(2/4)

Once more, humbly begging the mods and staff to NOT move this into offtopic or anywhere else.

HUGE sincere thanks and gratitude for your time.

 

In regards to inevitable concerns that this is just some bitchass reaction-bait publicity stunt or marketing campaign desperate for a quickbuck “hit it n quit it” of views and follows, I’ll be as transparent as possible with this:

I am a recovering fuckboi, self-indulgent attention whore, and delusional narcissist. Furthermore, I believe everyone has a healthy amount of small narcissism that simply explodes into excessive and unhealthy levels when shit ain’t right internally for the individual and is exacerbated even more by dysfunctional social incompetence when failing to connect and communicate externally.

Layman’s terms: when someone sucks ass at being clear with their own self from the jump with the man in the mirror, it’s a matter of time before they excessively fail to communicate, connect with, and express themselves with the world around them, because unhealthy fuckboi narcissism is simply screaming and cranking the volume WAAAAY up with already poor communication.

 

Thus, I have been, currently am, and will forever continue to take full responsibility for my behavior, especially since I know damn well no matter how much of an emotional mess, nobody ever took a gun to my head to say “act like an attention whoring dumbass fuckboi.”

Yes, we are all our biggest critics, it is impossible to please everybody when finding your voice and the beat of your own drum, and we all mature and grow up at varying speeds with some like myself taking a REEEEEEAAAALL long time. But this isn’t being too hard on myself. This is me stating some important harsh truths I’ve learned from years of taking deep breaths, recovering from self-imposed homelessness, and deeply reflecting these past few years:

 

People can change if 1) they are shown a better way and 2) they WANT to and are READY to change.

Both requirements must be met, but the second usually requires the individual learning to open their own eyes and see for themselves how far their head has been in their own ass.

No shame in personally admitting that second requirement took me a very long time.

 

It’s not personal, and it’s not just business. It’s all about time.

The two general people you meet in life are those who want to see your time wasted and those who want to see your time flourished.

 

Life is a game. It’s not single player but an MMO with PvP elements.

Everybody is playing The Game and there are many ways to play The Game whether tearing others down to lift yourself up, playing strictly solo dolo as neutral as possible, or trying to authentically connect with like-minded guild mates for team raids and camaraderie.

Some for a season, some for a reason.

 

We’re all learning these universal truths at different stages in our lives and a few of you are probably smiling and thinking “yeah, this dude was a fuckhead, but it’s cool to see Sir J is slowly getting it now.” And the thing about when you ‘get it’ is that usually most anger and frustration goes out the window when you learn to see life as both atrociously cut-throat and beautifully overflowing with opportunities.

 

You learn to accept yourself; the negative weaknesses needing ongoing maintenance AND positive strengths needing fine-tuning.

And you learn to accept human nature and the world around you; The things you cannot change (at least, cannot change easily on your own or with one generation of fervent progress) and the things you CAN control and change (your mindset and perspective, how to deal with the cards you’re dealt, working with who you are and focusing on what you’re truly passionate about rather than dreading the rat race).

 

If you’re familiar with books such as “As A Man Thinketh (James Allen)” or “The Laws of Human Nature (Robert Greene)” then I’m definitely saying nothing revolutionary at all to you. Plus, all of this information is generally learned by ALL of us throughout the march of humanity for thousands and thousands of years. As I said, we all learn and mature at different paces and sooner or later we all reach some kind of way to learn to live within the world not as we wish it could/would/should be, but simply as the world is.

**NOTE – I am NOT talking about ignoring systemic abuses and genocidal atrocities, etc.

I’m simply talking about the ebb and flow of weaving through the rat race and personal self-fulfillment.

 

 

 

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(3/4)

 

 

BLAH BLAH BLAH BLAAAAHHH okaaay bruh, fakedeep wannabe philosophic chinstroking aside, what the FUCK this shit gotta do with any of us?

 

DiGi Valentine has been manipulating, strategically undermining and emotionally abusing me (and several others) for years. I kept my fuckin mouth shut because 1) I never even KNEW about the concept of learned helplessness via suffering in silence, and 2) I thought I was picking up my nuts by keeping shit to myself and handling my bidness .

For you hip hop heads or urban culture enthusiasts, look at Rory and Mal’s response in trying to de-escalate things with Joe Budden.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=YBLvOrdDgVE

One. Hundred. Fucking. Percent. THIS. to a fucking tee.

 

You don’t realize something is wrong, one-sided, or abusive because sometimes some of us can’t recognize the difference between red and green flags due to social incompetence, naivete, or conflict-avoidance mixed with too many benefit of the doubt instances (you give an inch, they take a mile).

 

The thing is, actions speak louder than words and results speak louder than intentions. When somebody is speaking to you with YEARS of repeated actions and results you have to learn (often-times the hard and painful way) that bitches ain’t muthafuckin stuttering and there’s no fuckin déjà vu. These actions and results are clearly communicating who the person really is and what they actually think of you and the relationship.

 

This was all BEFORE the Pandemic where I was learning how to find inner peace by just moving forward with the least amount of collateral damage and petty grudges, because I simply didn’t wanna come across as a whiny, ungrateful bitchnigga.

I’M the village idiot attentionwhore, I’M the socially inept dumbass, I’M the fuckhead. Look at all of DiGi’s “friends” and “connections?” Clearly I’M the problem here. This was my negative feedback loop for years. This friendship sucks simply because I suck, and I'm getting the exact friendship that I deserve.

NONE of my major problems in life are on anybody else or some institutional problems (imho). Again, I’m taking full responsibility and focusing on what I can control with my outlook on life and my actions.

So I put my own self in a timeout to work out the bugs. Still working them out, but I’m learning to understand that’s just life. We’re ALL working things out and some are just better than others at making it look effortless and graceful.

But there are two sides to every story.

I’ve recently brought back my old youtube channel and opened up very briefly why I took a mental breather musical hiatus and how I’m down to squash things properly and in a healthy manner with DiGi.

DiGi emailed me last week stating how I’m wrong about this and this and that and such.

Before I’ve had the chance to respond to him I’ve already noticed he’s been scrubbing some videos and tweets.

 

Yeah ok, cool.

 

Again. You learn to appreciate and accept human nature, and that includes when other players in this game resort to self-preservation and saving face. I get it. We all have our huge ambitions and goals as well as our insecurities and baggage. There’s no anger in the fact that DiGi is a human.

Plus, we all have our careers and reputations to care about.

I get it.

 

 

What I don’t get is when you treat your team like garbage for years then try to repeatedly sweep things under the rug with fakewoke pandering, Ellen DeGeneres-tier lip service, and even going so far as to pull the Sasuke card: “duuuude, I’m a different person now. lol, just trust me. #MentalHealthAwareness and #inclusion and shit. I’m not who I was before.”

But for these past few three years of my absence, EVEN IN THE MIDST OF THE PANDEMIC where everybody is already stretched thin and SHOULD be reflecting on themselves instead of stirring up shit, DiGi has CONSISTENTLY blame-shifted and deflected everything towards me.

We can all admit I was a loud village idiot, moronic, unhinged fuckboi who clearly was missing some marbles. Instead of being a bitchboi, I tried getting booksmart and applying knowledge to get better at communicating with myself what I actually want in life so I can later communicate in a healthy manner with the world around me. How the FUCK I’m supposed to become a better son, brother, partner, collaborator, coworker, etc. and most importantly, a better FRIEND if I ain’t taking time to actually work on repairing and rebuilding myself?

 

What has DiGi been doing this whole time though? This whole time when ALL yall know I ain’t been getting in your ears on Facebook or discord, I’ve just been keeping to myself.

DiGi’s been spending this entire time SHITTING on me and then turning around to save face with “AH HYUK! Black Lives Matter!!! Black people are my friends and my neighbors!!! Duuuude I heckin’ love mental health awareness!!!! Inclusion sure is wholesome! Ah-HYUUKK!!”

 

Basically, duuuude I’m such a heckin good person, but does anybody remember that stupid ass Sir J guy? yeeeahh.

https://youtu.be/Y4aKmPQ79r8?t=1680

 

Wooow, that’s some heckin wholesome shit right there! Definitely sounds like someone who is excited about getting the Zone Runners back together again and moving forward from beef, especially as a grown adult man who is nearly 40 years old!

 

____________________________________

 

Again, for those of you familiar with “As A Man Thinketh” and “The Laws of Human Nature” it’s obvious I got exactly what you’d expect from being a naïve bitchass sucker who doesn’t understand how the game is played and how to develop proper self esteem boundaries so you only connect with people that are a healthy positive influence on your life.

I get it. There’s no anger there.

 

Once more, I’m trying very hard not to come across too much with attention whore self-indulgent shit, but I’ve literally spent ~8 hours total time painstakingly analyzing and highlighting everything I’ve been learning since I’ve opened my eyes, learned to fall back in love with music, and most importantly learned to embrace and accept this game we are ALL playing.

I’ve brutally poked fun and relentlessly laughed at myself, but I’ve tried to spend most of the time showcasing how if you’re not clear on who you are and what you really want in life you will most likely end up as a Balan Wonderworld clusterfuck with your head up your delusional ass.

Also, I went into EXTREEEEEMELY thorough detail that my music was never actually some toxic misogyny ligma ballz fuck women bullshit, neither was it shit stirring sneak disses about peers.

 

Literally, my entire UV Sir J vs W!SE the all.E discography was me shitting on and fighting with myself. I’M the “bitch” that I’m harassing and demeaning in my old music. I’M the target that I’m dissing and talking about getting revenge on. My music was about EGO DEATH, but not only was the expression of my music a Balan Wonderworld clusterfuck being poorly communicated, but I myself as a human had way too many court jester unhealthy fuckboi kinks to work out.

 

I get it… nearly 8 hours of some random “WOOOHOOOO I’M CRAAAAZZZYY” fuckboi returning from a longterm absence is not worth everybody’s time. It’s all good.

 

Here’s the part that IS relevant to everybody’s time.

There’s two sides of every story. This is what I experienced with DiGi, and this is why even though I STILL want to find a mutually beneficial resolution I have a bad feeling that DiGi currently does not WANT to change nor is he READY to change.

https://youtu.be/MJlxC6ea4uU

 

 

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(4/4)

 

There isn’t anger with how DiGi treated me for years. There isn’t anger with DiGi resorting to understandable self-preservation and saving face. The anger is coming from the fact that, when judging his ACTIONS and RESULTS (not words and intentions), DiGi very clearly does NOT want me to get better… he does NOT want me to show the properly rebooted and mentally healthy new version of myself.

DiGi straight up wants to fuck me over on some Ray Kroc / Thomas Edison type shit.

 Again, cannot make this clear enough. “The Laws of Human Nature” makes this all brutally apparent what the fuck is going on here. Some of you are reading this unable to swallow this down, and some of you are nodding your head and sadly smiling while thinking “yeeeah, we’ve all been there and we all learn the hard way sooner or later.

 

Cancel Culture is BULLSHIT. But accountability is IMPERATIVE.

Two sides to every story. I don’t want none of the victimhood, deflection, face-saving bullshit for EITHER side. My anger is coming from internal conflict of these two crossroads:

1 To handle this like Mobius giving Loki the benefit of the doubt (because people CAN change)

2 To handle this unapologetically going beastmode while refusing to control my blast radius and caring about collateral damage when getting someone the FUCK up out of my life who has overstayed their welcome.

 

THAT is why I’m bringing this to the community’s attention.

I am a RECOVERING fuckboi.

I am a RECOVERING attentionwhore.

I am a RECOVERING Balan Wonderworld clusterfuck delusional narcissist.

I get it now. I get it. We’re all human. But I am RECOVERING. I am not mentally equipped, emotionally patient, or socially intelligent enough to know how to avoid going beastmode if DiGi don’t wanna meet me half way and squash this out in a way that sincerely lets both sides move on.


Remember DiGi’s response YEARS ago when he felt insulted with the Sonic Retro vocal Sonic CD incident? I’m tryna understand why the fuck years later DiGi’s walk STILL ain’t matching his talk.

 

I’m tryna REAL hard understand why squashing it out to go our near future separate ways in order to make an opportunity for better FUTURE opportunities is off the table from DiGi’s pov.

I’m tryna understand why I shouldn’t just pick up my nuts and go beastmode by handling the FUCK up out of this situation since DiGi would rather scurry away on some BunnyManBounce self-preservation shit instead of look me in the eyes and squash this man to man.

 

So for those of you much more mentally healthier, socially intelligent, and with more emotional stability and successful conflict resolution experience I am humbly requesting yall to explain what you would do in my situation. No dramarama beef shit stirring. Deep down I want to believe there is STILL a way to turn this all around with mutual benefit for DiGi and I both, but I'm not sure anymore if that deep down feeling is stockholm syndrome.

 

Massive apologies for the bitchboi tedtalk. This is not how I wanted to "return" to being active in the community again. I just can't move forward with this weight and I'm struggling to find a healthy way to set the weight down instead of smashing this weight around with a berserker temper tantrum.

 

Peace

-J

DVTweet 2014-02-17 OCR sonicretro shitfest E digi response.JPG

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@Damashii!! We're trying to get in touch with you via multiple avenues, and you've got my cell - for now I'm gonna lock this thread because I don't know who might reply with what. I've got absolutely no problem reopening the thread once we know everything's okay, and I can try to chip in with my own advice/thoughts as well.

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