Thanks for all your feedback! Really useful, and I agree with everything you said. I've done a whole lot more work on it since, trying to make all the sounds sit better and a done lot of general polish. I've let go of my loudness obsession a bit, as it was definitely affecting the track negatively. The only thing I haven't done is reduce the bass (I'm on a [so far unsuccessful] quest for fatness )
It's probably still too similar to the original, but I think that's just going to be the way it is with this one.
I'm trying out hearthis.at because soundcloud has started to annoy me. Unfortunately that means no embed
Thanks again for your help, you definitely broke the wall I'd hit.