Thanks for all your feedback! Really useful, and I agree with everything you said. I've done a whole lot more work on it since, trying to make all the sounds sit better and a done lot of general polish. I've let go of my loudness obsession a bit, as it was definitely affecting the track negatively. The only thing I haven't done is reduce the bass (I'm on a [so far unsuccessful] quest for fatness )
It's probably still too similar to the original, but I think that's just going to be the way it is with this one.
I'm trying out hearthis.at because soundcloud has started to annoy me. Unfortunately that means no embed
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Thanks again for your help, you definitely broke the wall I'd hit.