Twas XXII: Not Quite A Silent Night

[The Coop]

Well, here we are again. One week until Christmas, and a new entry in the now 20-plus year old tradition that is Twas. This one's not as long as some of the recent ones, so take some comfort in that you won't have to read through some 30 pages of stanzas. And thus, let's begin...

 

Twas XXII: Not Quite A Silent Night

by
The Coop

 

Twas the night after Christmas,
and at the North Pole,
St. Nick was done giving
out the presents or coal

that his elves had readied
for ev'ry boy and girl
who'd earned one or the other
across the whole world.

With that all behind him,
Santa could just relax
and enjoy a bit of time
to read through the stacks

of letters he'd gathered
between Christmas Eve's night,
and the first hints of
Christmas morning's coming light.

These letters had been placed
next to treats left for him;
treats that were plentiful
and filled him to the brim

until it felt like his gut
was about to burst,
along with enough milk
to fully quench his thirst.

As he sat before the fire,
he could hear his wife
come into the warm room
that was completely rife

with the odor of
hot choc'late and burning pine.
He looked over at her
and asked, “Is that one mine?”

“Nope,” she replied without
even the slightest smile.
“But, maybe I'll get you some
in a little while.”

“How thoughtful,” he chuckled
as she came over and
offered him the filled cup,
which he took with his hand.

“Thanks,” he said and sipped
the hot liquid within it.
She returned to her chair
next to his, and did sit.

He sat the cup down on
the small table that stood
between their two chairs and
commented, “That tastes good.”

“I know,” she said as she
worked on the small blanket.
“You've got what was left
after I took some of it.”

“You're a thief,” he grinned as
he reached over and took
the first letter, which he opened
to take a look

at what the child who wrote
it had to say to him.
As he read it, he said,
“This first one is from Tim.”

“What did Tim have to say?”
Jessica asked without
looking up at him.
Santa said, “Something about

“him wanting a Steam card.”
He then looked to his wife.
“Now why would this boy want
a steamed card in his life?”

With a small laugh, “It's not
a steamed card, you goofball.”
He replied with, “Then what is it,
Miss know-it-all?”

“A small, money-like card
you spend at the Steam store,”
she said as she continued
her knitting some more.

“Steam?” Santa said, his
confusion clear on his face.
“Why would someone want to
buy that from anyplace?”

“No,” she laughed lightly.
“You buy video games there.”
She looked to him and
saw his very puzzled stare.

This gave her a good laugh
for a second or two.
She composed herself with,
“I don't know about you.

“You know when ev'ryone
is asleep or awake,
yet you have no clue what
Steam is, for goodness sake?”

“Hey,” he retorted,
“I just deliver this stuff.
New trends aren't my thing,
so don't give me any guff.”

She laughed yet again,
then returned to her knitting.
He watched her for a time
from where he was sitting.

“What's that?” he asked.
“It's for Milton and Fay,” she said.
He replied, “Looks a bit small
to fit on their bed.”

“It's not for them, but their child,”
she replied with a smile.
“For when their journey
as parents starts in a while.”

”Fay's pregnant?” he asked,
the surprise in his voice strong.
“Indeed,” Jessica said.
“She's now eight month's along.”

“Why'd no one told me?”
he asked, clearly a bit hurt.
“I didn't know they were
having a little squirt.”

She asked, “Didn't you notice
her growing belly?”
She looked to him as
he stared at her flatly.

“Oh yeah, that would have gone
well for me,” he replied.
“I couldn't have found a
good enough place to hide

“from her if I had so much
as referenced how
she'd gotten plumper.
I know I'd be dead by now.”

Jessica laughed a bit with,
“Yeah, that's likely true.
But this blanket's something
that I wanted to do.”

He said, “You've never knit
something for the other
elves when they were going
to become a mother.”

She replied, “Milton and Fay
“have a special place
in my heart these days.”
As a smile came to her face,

she added, “They helped us out
a lot that one year.”
“That they did,” Santa nodded.
“That they did, my dear.”

As his wife continued
to work on the blanket,
Santa turned and reached over
so that he could get

the next letter from the stacks
of those he'd picked up,
not seeing his wife sneak
a quick sip from his cup.

With a small chuckle,
he said, “Listen to this one
from a boy named Stan,
who wanted a BB gun.

“It says here, 'Dear Mr. Santa.
My name is Stan
and I'll try hard to keep this
as short as I can.

“I'm sorry that I couldn't
leave anything out.
I hope you're not mad at me
or upset about

“not getting any treats
when you stopped by tonight.
It wasn't because
I was being mean, alright?

“I have diabetes,
so I can't eat the stuff
that has sugar in it
because it's really rough

on my body if my
blood sugar gets too high.
So if you were wondering,
that's the reason why.

“I still wanted to leave
a few cookies for you,
but my mom said that
you'd get diabetes too

if I left you cookies
or anything like that,
since you're at risk for it too
because you're so fat.”

Jessica had a good laugh
as Santa grumbled,
“And onto the naughty list
that boy just tumbled.”

“Hush,” she uttered and smiled.
“That's so sweet of that boy.
I hope you gave little Stan
a wonderful toy.”

She looked over at
her husband and heard the way
he chuckled as he tucked
Stan's short letter away.

“What's so funny?” she asked.
He said, “I can't tell you.”
With one eye brow perked,
she said, “It's best that you do.”

“D-I-A-B-E-E
T-E-E-S,” he said.
She looked a little lost
as she tilted her head.

He smiled, “The way he spelled
that word tickles me pink.
He won't be winning any
spelling bees, I think.”

“Be nice,” she admonished.
“Don't pick on that young boy.”
“I'm not,” he chuckled.
“And yes, he got a nice toy.”

He picked up the next letter
and unfolded it
as he readjusted
himself where he did sit.

Santa began to read,
but uttered not one word.
His wife glanced over as
silence was all she heard.

“Ahem!” she announced.
“I can't read lips, you old fart.”
Santa laughed a bit with,
“Now's a good time to start”

“learning how to do that,
so that maybe next year,
you can follow along
and enjoy these, my dear.”

Jessica chuckled
and grumbled, “Very funny.
Read me the damn thing
so I can hear it... honey.”

“Fine fine,” he said and grinned.
“Wouldn't want you to pout
and complain about how
I made you feel left out.”

He cleared his throat twice
and adjusted the paper,
then let out a quick cough
and looked over at her.

“Ready?” he asked as she
gave an exhausted frown.
“Heh heh,” he grinned,
then read what had been written down.

“Dear Santa,” he began.
“Hope you're doing OK.
I bet you're real pooped
after riding in your sleigh

and dropping off presents
to all the people who
had asked for all of those
toys, games and stuff from you.

“But I thought it might
be nice if I gave you a
poem to read once you're
done after Christmas day.

“I tried to keep it short,
but I had too much fun
and I didn't wanna stop
once I had begun

“to get really into it.
So, it's kind of long.
I hope that you'll like it.
Signed, Sarah Bizamong.”

Jessica raised her eyebrows
with, “Quite the last name.”
Santa nodded and said,
“I was thinking the same.”

“How long is it?” she asked.
“Four pages,” he replied.
With some surprise, she said,
“This should be a fun ride.”

“To be sure,” Santa grinned
as he looked over what
the girl had written down.
“Well, hold onto your butt.

“'Twas the night before Christmas
and all through the house,
Maxine was undoing
the buttons of her blouse.

“'She'd just gotten home
after a long day at work
at the bank where she'd put
up with many a jerk.

“'Ev'ryone was rude and
in a hurry to get
out of the bank so quickly,
it made Maxine sweat

“'as she did her best to
get them all on their way,
and bring an end to
such a bad, annoying day.

“'But now she was home
and ready for a hot bath.
Then a quick dinner,
and a movie for a laugh.'”

“Oof,” Jessica uttered.
“That rhyme was a bit rough.”
“And you said I was mean,”
Santa laughed with a huff.

“I'm not being mean,” she said.
“I'm pointing it out.”
He then said with sarcasm,
“And kindly, no doubt.”

With a quick laugh, she said,
“Let's continue, shall we?”
To which he replied,
“If you insist. Now, let's see...”

He looked over the page
that he'd been reading from,
and looked for where he'd stopped
as he began to hum.

“Ah ha!” Santa exclaimed.
“Found where I had left off.”
He then cleared his throat twice
and let out a small cough.

“'She got into the bathtub
and slowly sank down
into the hot water
as she began to frown.

““God, what a day,” she said
as she let out a sigh.
Then she brought up her left hand
and rubbed her left eye.

“'But a few moments later,
a weird sound rang out.
From her butt under water,
some bubbles did sprout.

“They reached the surface
after a moment or two.
Melissa scrunched up her nose
and uttered, “Oh, PEW!'”

“Hold it,” Jessica spoke
as she looked to St. Nick.
“A fart joke in her poem?
That's nasty and sick.”

“I think it's funny,”
Santa chuckled with a smile.
“You would, “ his wife grumbled.
“Childish humor's your style.”

“Well, she is a child,”
he said. “So she gets a pass
when it comes to finding
humor in passing gas.”

“What's your excuse then?”
she asked as she looked over.
He said, “It circles back
around once you're older.”

She shook her head and grinned
as she continued to
knit the blanket and uttered,
“I think that's just you.”

With a mischievous grin,
he turned a little bit
in his seat toward her as
she continued to knit.

“I seem to recall,” he said,
“hearing your laughter
echo down the hallway
not very long after

“what sounded like a whale call
came from the bathroom
while you were in there
making it... I would assume.”

Jessica looked to him,
saw the smirk on his face,
and said, “You'll be sleeping
on the couch at this pace.”

A moment later,
Milton came running into
the room and yelped with a
panicked, “Come quick you two!”

Jessica looked to the elf
and asked, “What's wrong, hun?”
“Fay's water broke!” he said,
“and her labor's begun!”

Santa set down the papers with,
“Their kid's early.”
Jessica looked to Milton
and asked, “Where is she?”

“Fay's laying on our bed,”
Milton quickly replied.
Santa said, “Then go back there
and stay at her side.

“We'll join you shortly
after we get what we need.”
Milton nodded and ran out
with copious speed.

“Let's go,” Jessica said
as she got to her feet
and Santa groaned a bit
as he stood from his seat.

It took a bit of time,
but the two of them got
some towels and a tub
filled with water that was hot.

They went into the room
that Milton and Fay shared.
Fay was on the bed in pain,
while Milton looked sacred.

Fay looked over and said,
“What are they doing here?”
Jessica answered, “To help
you give birth, my dear.”

Fay stared at them both with
some unease in her eyes
before she said, “Um,
“I don't know about this, guys.”

Mrs. Claus said with a smile.
“We've seen it all, dear.
You shouldn't do this alone,
so that's why we're here.”

“Jessica will help with
the birthing,” Santa said
as he came over and stood
right beside Fay's bed.

“I'll be handing her
whatever things she might need.”
“We should get to a hospital,”
Milton did plead.

“Not many of them
this far north,” Santa remarked.
“Just get this thing out of me
for God's sake!” Fay barked

as a fresh contraction
caused her body much strain,
and her face reflected
the wave of intense pain.

“I'm here,” Milton said
as he put his hand on Fay's,
but she looked at him with
a glare that was ablaze

as she yelled, “Your here, huh?!
Well, now I feel just swell!
It's because of you that
I'm in this living hell!”

Milton's eyes went quite wide
at her abrupt outburst.
“Um,” he uttered, “maybe
we could knock her out first?”

Santa gave a laugh with,
“Doesn't work that way, son.
I'm afraid her kind words
have only just begun.”

“This is your fault!” Fay shouted.
“You did this to me!
I'll get you back for this
you little shit! You'll see!”

Milton let out a sigh
and continued to hold
Fay's hand as she shouted
and continued to scold

him while Santa and his wife
got ready to lend
their help to Milton's
pregnant and yelling girlfriend.

And so began the
process of Fay giving birth.
A time of pain, shouting
and very little mirth.

Milton's held Fay's hand as
he did his best to coach
her through the labor while
she yelled one vile reproach

after another for
what seemed like forever.
But he stayed calm and
reassured her whenever

she grew weary of pushing
and looked tired as hell,
that she was getting closer
and was doing well.

Jessica was stationed
down between Fay's spread feet
where she coached Fay as well,
yet remained in her seat

as she waited for the child
to start to emerge,
while telling Fay to push
with each contraction surge.

Santa stood opposite
from Milton, ready to
help with anything that
his wife asked him to do.

The first hour went by,
which became three, and then five,
as all four of them helped
the baby to arrive.

And arrive it did as
the sixth hour had begun.
That was when Jessica said,
“Milton? Come here, hun.”

Milton looked from Fay to
Santa, who smiled and said,
“I'll stay here with Fay, Milton.
You go on ahead.”

Milton came up beside
Jessica as she told
him to grab a fresh towel
in which he would hold

up the baby when it
was coming out of Fay.
Milton looked nervous,
but gave a shaky, “OK.”

Milton did as asked and
brought a towel to her.
It was then that a new
contraction did occur.

“Push Fay!” Jessica said,
and Fay did just that
as Jessica kept watch
and waited where she sat.

It was as Fay was pushing,
that the baby crowned.
“Keep pushing!” Jessica said
as Fay made a sound

that was like a scream and
a sob mixed into one.
Jessica said loudly,
“Push Fay! You're almost done!”

Jessica took the towel
from Milton's shaky hand
as the man looked wobbly.
Like he could barely stand.

Fay pushed again as the
baby kept sliding out.
With that final hard push,
Fay unleashed a loud shout.

And when the baby passed through
Fay's vaginal door,
Milton let out a moan
and passed out to the floor.

His head hit with a thump
that made Santa wince.
Santa chuckled a bit
and said, “Good night, sweet prince.”

While Milton was unconscious
on the room's floor tiles,
the cries of a newborn
pulled a series of smiles

to the faces of those
still conscious at that time.
Jessica cut the cord
and cleaned off all the slime

that covered the infant
from almost head to toe.
Then she wrapped the newborn
up in the towel so

it was ready to be
handed over to Fay.
“Give Fay her son,” she grinned.
Santa smiled, “Right away.”

With care, he turned and looked to
Fay's exhausted face.
“Want to hold your son?” he asked,
his smile still in place.

Fay looked to Santa with,
“I most certainly would.”
She took the babe from him
as gently as she could.

Though far beyond tired from
all that she had gone through,
her weary stare held untold
amounts of love too

as she gazed down upon
the life that she'd helped make.
That's when a groan rang out as
Milton stirred awake.

“Could you help him up?”
Jessica asked her husband.
“I've got a mess to clean
and a hand, I can't lend.”

“Of course,” Santa said
and helped Milton to his feet,
adding, “Get up, my boy.
You've got someone to meet.”

Santa walked him over
to the side of Fay's bed,
as Milton rubbed the welt
on the back of his head.

Once there, Milton saw Fay
and the infant she held.
A look of surprise came
to him as his eyes welled

up with tears and his
expression soon filled with joy.
He looked to Fay and asked,
“Is it a girl or boy?”

“A boy,” Fay replied with
a warm and weary smile
before she asked him,
“Want to hold him for a while?”

Milton simply nodded
and then picked up his son
with a massive smile as
his tears began to run

down his cheeks at last as
his euphoria grew.
Santa leaned in with,
“Congratulations you two.”

With that, Santa joined
his wife to help with the mess
that had been left behind
after the tough success

of Fay's giving birth
to her and Milton's first child.
Once done, Santa looked at
the new parents and smiled.

Jessica did as well,
then nudged her husband so
he'd look to her as she
whispered, “Come on. Let's go.”

She and Santa reached the
bedroom door just as Fay
called out and stopped them
before they went on their way.

Fay thanked them for ev'rything
that the pair had done.
Jessica smiled at her with,
“You're quite welcome, hun.”

“Get some rest,” Santa said.
“You've had quite the ordeal.
We'll both come by again
once you're sure that you feel

“up for having a
visitor or two stop by.
Until then...” he finished,
with a small wave goodbye.

With that, he and his wife
gave the new mom and dad
some time alone with the new
child that they now had.

It didn't take long before
Santa returned to
his chair, and Jessica
was seated in her's too.

He picked up a few papers
and shuffled through them,
searching for what he'd read
before all the mayhem.

When he found it, he sat there
and said not one thing.
But his wife soon spoke up
with a loud throat clearing.

“A-hem!” Jessica pressed.
“Are you going to start?”
Santa grinned, “Just looking
for the fart bubbles part.”

She rolled her eyes as she
shook her head just a bit.
She let out a small sigh with,
“Well, get on with it.”

As Santa continued
the story Sarah wrote,
both Milton and Fay were
continuing to dote

on the newborn that they
had been given that night,
while Milton kept making sure
that Fay was alright.

Fay apologized for
the vile things that she'd said
to Milton before he
passed out and hit his head.

He laughed and told her,
after he gave her a kiss,
that he'd expected worse
while she went through sheer bliss.

She laughed a bit as well,
but said she was sincere.
That she loved him, to which
he said, “Love you too, dear.”

He gave her a kiss as
she held their newborn son.
Their new lives as a
family had now begun.

And as the world settled in
under the moonlight,
Merry Christmas to all.
And to all, a good night.

[The Coop]

Now that's it's Christmas, I just wanted to say thanks to anyone who took the time to read through this year's entry. I know it wasn't as grandiose as some of my other ones, or as "deep" story-wise, but hopefully you got some enjoyment out of it.

Hope you have a good holiday folks, and Merry Christmas.