Polo
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If you change the last sentence just slightly so it reads "little does she know" instead of "little do they know", this will keep the focus on her a little more.
I'm fine with that, but I feel I'd also have to tweak the preceding sentence to something like "she has Quote's back as much as he has hers" to move more thoroughly away from "they/them" and closer to "she/her."
How about "out to stop terrible events from taking place on the island" or "out to stop a madman's sinister plans from unfolding on the island" (not sure about that last part)?
I can use "out to stop destructive events from unfolding on the island." The Doctor's not the only madman, plus there's a lot of rapid-succession destruction at the end of the game.
how would changing it into "even when" instead of "even while" change the meaning of the sentence? I'm not suggesting you do it, I just wanna hear how you think it changes the meaning. Does it say anything about how often or for how long she suffers from amnesia?
"Even when" means virtually the same thing as "even while." It MAY additionally imply what "all the while" implies (deception/ulterior motives), but if so, then so can "even while." "When" indicates any unspecified time(s) and "while" suggests duration, so the latter feels more complete/steady. And since "all the while" gives you, me, and Wiktionary different impressions of meaning, then using that is likely out of the question.
I'm most comfortable using "despite."
By the way, "critters native to the island of Cave Story" sounds to me like the island itself is called Cave Story. I could be mistaken, but shouldn't it be "critters native to the island where the events of (in?) Cave Story take place" or similar? It's clunkier, though, so I hope not.
I put Cave Story in italics, so I don't see how it can't indicate the game title. And I already said "the island where the game takes place" in Quote's bio. It would be easier if the island HAD a name (e.g. "the island of Mimigaland in Cave Story"), but it doesn't.
Wouldn't it have to be "Being what is called a Normal type Pokémon"?
That would be clearer, but now I realize Chernabogue uses the word "Pokémon" in his bio even more than "Evolution(s)," so we'll have to figure out which mentions to cut or change if he doesn't get to them first.
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3 things:
- I got the message "You have posted more than the allowed number of quoted blocks of text" when trying to make a post with 11 of them. I removed one (it was part of a 2-quote pyramid) and the problem went away. Guess I'll have to more frugally pick and choose what I want to nitpick in the Mascot Bio thread.
- Signature images that aren't also links require two right-clicks to View, Save As, etc.
- I see new post rankings I haven't before (e.g. Meat Boy (250+), Roll (+350), Mr. X (+23000)...). Is there a list of them somewhere?
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Keep in mind it's part of a comma-divided list. Adding another one there would make "bent on enslaving said race" an incompatible item because it's not a complete subject/noun. How about if I add "who is" after "the Doctor" (or "who aims to enslave")? Or maybe quote marks around "the Doctor" would suffice?Unless you really mean that the guy is known as "the Doctor bent on enslaving said race", I vote for a comma after "Doctor".
I suspect the last sentence of her bio may be giving you that impression. To be fair, her story does in part depend on his - she's one of many characters he meets and interacts with, and she gets less than half his screen time in the game. But I am focusing on Curly proper before any relevant mentions of Quote. I start by saying she's empathetic, but that's not limited to caring for a few Mimigas - her story grows beyond that after meeting Quote. Calling her his "biggest booster" is my way of touching upon her character development, and I'm not sure I can talk about her robotic abilities which include (and influence) exploring the island like Quote if I simply stick to what players know when they first see her (they might think she HAS no reason to do that if she's just a motherly robot).Curly Brace's bio really reads like a sidekick character description in comparison. Maybe it's not a problem, but it feels as if she's not allowed to stand on her own two legs, and that her bio is incomplete without Quote's. Or maybe I only feel this way because I read Quote's bio first...?
Hm. Reading it again, it feels like "catastrophe" sounds better suited to describing a natural disaster, not a form of race enslavement that goes beyond the confines of the island. Maybe a more specific alternative would help: Quote is "out to stop a madman from bringing harm to many." (You think I can/should include Mimigas in there?)Also, according to Curly Brace's bio, Quote is "out to stop a catastrophe from erupting on the island", and I didn't really get that idea reading Quote's bio.
That almost makes her motherly actions exclusively tied to memory loss, and I kinda prefer illustrating her empathy shining through regardless of the hardships - not to mention Curly doesn't look after those orphans ALL the time she has amnesia (she travels with Quote out of circumstance before she remembers things). How about "despite suffering from amnesia"?"even while she's suffering from amnesia" sounds a little strange. How does "all the while suffering from amnesia" compare, do you think?
Ah, good call.I like this suggestion better, because the first one is so opinionated, and because this clearly lays out that "evolution" in the Pokémon World isn't what it is in the real world, and it helps explain why it's capitalized throughout the bio when it normally isn't.
- Like Dafydd said, the 3rd (now 2nd) sentence should read "While more conventional Pokémon only evolve" and not "evolves" (plural, not singular)
Reading that sentence, I get that Jolteon has a lot of speed, not much is known about Umbreon, and Sylveon is news (meaning its discovery will be irrelevant in time). So yes, a bit more specificity would help. Also, saying "most notably" suggests fans are in agreement about Eevee's best known forms, so try starting that sentence with "Some of Eevee's new forms include..." to give yourself leeway."Eevee's new forms most notably include the swift Jolteon, the mysterious Umbreon, and the newly-discovered Sylveon", and for most people, these names are far from self-explanatory, and this sentence will amount to little more than namedropping.
Or "Being what is called a Normal type" could work.I think "Being of what is called the Normal type" should do it in this case.
I agree with this.I suggest "to raise one of its evolved forms instead" as a replacement.
I'm sure this is what Chernabogue meant.players need to be careful about which form they choose to let Eevee evolve into (because they won't get that many chances)
I thought so at first, myself. Forwards, it would be: "The choice to make Eevee the trump card of a powerful Pokémon team comes down to its trainer." Although now it sounds like the focus is on the trainer, not Eevee's potential. To echo my fellow editor, don't make this read like a how-to manual. It should be more like "this is an overview of what's possible with Eevee" rather than "follow these directions so you can win Pokémon battles as you play."The very last sentence reads a little backwards, I think.
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Hello again, Chernabogue. My thoughts on Eevee...
- I like what you're going with in the 1st sentence, but it's kind of unwieldy. You can keep it or remove it, following 1 of 2 possibilities:
1) If you keep the 1st sentence, I suggest starting it this way: "Eevee may be one of the most interesting creatures to roam the Pokémon World." This way you don't imply Eevee is going through the lands of Evolution, you use the present tense ("roam," not "roamed") to avoid the idea that it's extinct, you cut one iteration of "Evolution" (there's 7 total - more on how to fix this below), and you don't set up Evolution once only to step away from it before you explain what it is in the following sentence. Kill many birds with one stone.
2) Alternatively, you can cut the first sentence and start with the second one this way: "In the Pokémon World, Evolution is the process by which a Pokémon changes into a different, usually stronger, creature." Notice I removed a second mention of "Pokémon" and "process." Also, I'm pretty sure Evolution is THE process, not just one (or are there other ways Pokémon can change into new ones?).
- It sounds better for a Pokémon to "undergo" (not "get") an Evolution. Or you can say most evolve a maximum of two times.
- "leading into" --> "leading to" or "creating"
- "a few of the conditions" --> Because you already say "preconditions" in the previous sentence, try changing this part to "a few factors" or similar.
- I think you can afford to list maybe 2 or 3 of Eevee's 8 possible evolutions along with the conditions that precede them or the differences between these new Pokémon and Eevee (abilities, etc.). This is to pay off the setup regarding the spiel about Evolution and why Eevee is so unique in this regard. Note that this may or may not have to be put in the 1st paragraph (see below).
- The 1st sentence of the 2nd paragraph can be tweaked to "From these Evolutions come Eevee's greater strengths" and moved to just after touching upon Vaporeon/Umbreon/Whateveryouchooseon (just so the sentence has a more fitting use).
- "Eevee only gets one weakness, but doesn't show any potential advantage, nor exceptional stats" --> "Eevee has few weaknesses but also few exceptional strengths" (saying it has only one weakness feels incomplete, noting no "potential advantage" is a downer that goes against its potential to evolve into something more, and "stats" is a bit too technical in this context).
- "who gets to train an Eevee" --> remove this part (cuz we're assuming the trainer already is doing so)
- "they all possess different abilities and types" --> This could be another good place to start talking about some of Eevee's other forms - just don't do it both here AND in the first paragraph (choose one).
- "pay attention into which form Eevee may evolve" --> "pay attention to which form Eevee may evolve into"
- Like I said above, the word "Evolution" appears 7 times in your two paragraphs, not to mention there's disagreement on whether or not to Capitalize it in the middle of a sentence (on the Bulbapedia page as well as here). Possible substitutes in places may include: "transformation"; "(major) change"; "metamorphosis"; "new form(s)" - the idea is to make the language more varied/vibrant.Just saw the Mascott page has references, but I thought a more "official" one would be better
Everything on a placeholder page acts as, well, a placeholder.
Larry's offering stepping stones/suggestions for people to kickstart their writing process, and bio writers are always welcome to use their own sources, find better quotes, etc.
Make this bio evolve into something stronger!
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Quote and Curly Brace are now here for your reading pleasure/analysis. Let me know of any notable bits of repetition between (or within) the bios.
Quote
"You are the most suited to exploring this island. Please. Give us your aid." — Professor Booster
== Bio ==
A sentient robot awakens in a cave with no knowledge of how he got there or even his own name. Wandering around in the dark, he finds a gun to ward off hostile creatures. As he makes his way through the labyrinthine passageways, he suddenly stumbles into a tangled plot involving a rabbit-like race of Mimigas, a human known as the Doctor bent on enslaving said race, and a Demon Crown. It's up to this robot, Quote, to unravel the mystery of the transpiring events and put a stop to the Doctor's plans in Cave Story.
Quote is described as a "soldier from the surface" by more than one person. Robots like him were once sent to the island where the game takes place — those who know the gruesome details of this history tend to prejudge Quote as just another killing machine, and some even attack him outright. Most characters, however, come to know his kind nature when he retrieves lost items for them or works to get innocents out of binds. As a result, island natives and non-natives alike routinely place their trust in Quote to help them through their problems, large and small.
As a robot built for exploration, Quote's skills and endurance levels surpass a human's. He can easily handle any weapon he picks up, from a missile launcher to a bubble gun to a Mimiga's sword. He's also able to move underwater for a limited time without his internal systems shutting down. Similar traits are shown by Curly Brace, a fellow robot who becomes Quote's most trusted comrade. Whether alone or with any number of allies, Quote travels the length and breadth of the island to fulfill all manners of missions, some of far greater importance than he realizes.
== References ==
Cave Story Wiki - "Quote"
Wikipedia - "Cave Story"
Curly Brace
"Mimigas aren't your enemies! Mimigas are harmless!!"
== Bio ==
Curly Brace is a robot who beams with empathy. She acts as a surrogate mother to orphaned Mimigas, critters native to the island of Cave Story, even while she's suffering from amnesia. Anyone on the Mimigas' side consequently gets her full support, while those out to slaughter them receive no mercy. She'll lend a hand to protect anyone important to her, even when it means putting her life on the line. It's no surprise, then, that Curly is the biggest booster of game protagonist Quote, who's out to stop a catastrophe from erupting on the island.
Although her memory is imperfect, Curly maintains her potential to explore the cave-riddled island for answers to her past and more. She carries a machine gun as her starting weapon, although she can use other firearms with equal proficiency. Thanks to her air tank, she can stay submerged in water indefinitely. Compared to Quote, Curly has a less sturdy constitution and requires more time to rest up after a trying battle or a shock to her systems. Nevertheless, Curly's resolve never falters, and both robots have each other's backs when they're together. Little do they know just how intertwined their destinies are...
== References ==
Cave Story Wiki - "Curly Brace"
Wikipedia - "Cave Story" -
No one's brought it up before, so I appreciate the info. Fixed.
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Hi Arrow. Glad to see you crank out something rather than nothing.
Only the last paragraph really focuses on Shulk as a character, but Xenoblade involved a hell of a lot of world-building, and I felt I couldn't really delve into Shulk as a character without touching on all of that first.Okay. I can see how the fallout of the gods' battle sets up the Mechon/Homs antagonism and the sword Monado, which flows into Shulk taking part in the grand scheme of things. It's possible to deliver the essentials relevant to Shulk/his purpose as a character without getting mired in details and drawing too much attention away from him. You also want to avoid repetition where possible. Here's a few examples of what I mean:
- Bionis and Mechonis: what seems to matter most about this paragraph is that their fight ends, new races thrive on them, and the sword Monado remains (echoing Dafydd's suggestion that maybe it should be introduced here). It's contradictory to say the gods fight "for an eternity" ("for ages" contradicts THAT), and I don't see the relevance of their corpses being "upright." You also say races "flourished on the dead bodies" and "[lived] peacefully on [one] body" - decide what form of "being on a god's body" you want to use once.
- Mechon vs. Homs: whether or not this is a natural extension of the Bionis vs. Mechonis battle, it seems like the Mechon declaring war on the Homs and others (following the "two sides against each other" dynamic) would work better in the first paragraph (after noting that new races flourish where the gods have fallen, and without saying the Homs/races on Bionis "fought back" twice). This can also help you fit in the Monado, i.e. that it's being used again. I'm not sure if you need to mention Dunban just yet - I understand he's the first (Homs) wielder of Monado, but I feel bringing him up before Shulk makes him either the real focus of the bio or more important. You mention that Shulk picks up where Dunban left off in the third paragraph, so...
- Shulk paragraph: ...THAT can instead follow out of Shulk's research on the sword. His accumulated knowledge + following through on Dunban's first attempt = a better wielder, no?
http://xenoblade.wikia.com/wiki/Shulk [...] goes into so little detail on Shulk that it was worthless for writing this up.His personality, relation to other characters, and battle moves are touched upon on that page - these kinds of things can help a reader understand Shulk better. The fact that he wields a sword (and a legendary one at that) feels like an opportunity to explore his efficacy with it. You can even lead into it via something like: "Shulk puts his extensive research to use when wielding Monado in battle..." (if at least some of his abilities aren't unexpected like seeing the future). You don't have to be overly technical or detailed (or even drop names of his moves), but a little taste of them wouldn't hurt. Hell, even describing some of his attacks in Smash Bros. can help you get more mileage out of his character.
And here's a couple of spelling/grammar nitpicks you were probably expecting...
- "life has flourished" --> "life had flourished" (to stick with the past tense)
- "a avenue" -> an avenue
Hope all this nourishes your revision process. If you have any questions or concerns, just ask.
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Awesome. I made a few little tweaks to B&K and Dark Samus's pages (one of 'em needed italics for a game title), but otherwise they're good. BorgMan and spajjder, if you're reading this, thanks for putting up with the bio-furnishing process.
Also, I think you were done with KnucklesMhm. He's uploaded as well.
Now I'm claiming Quote and Curly Brace from Cave Story. They kinda have similar backgrounds, so I'm gonna work on both bios at once to make them different enough to stand on their own.
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Is "vice versa" too technical or academic?
Well, in this case, it's too far away from the dependent clause - to work, it would have to be "Humorously, the bird is often the one carrying the bear, not vice versa," but then that would intrude on the details about the Talon Trot.
Now that I think of it, the double iteration of "around" doesn't seem like a problem because they're used differently: one is about a situational inverse and the other is about mobility.
That's two more changes to B&K and Dark Samus: "a gentle, cheerful soul who likes to swim" and "She also has the ability to dissolve into a Phazon particle cloud" respectively.
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Can we do 'who' instead of 'that'?
Yes we can. [/Obama]
The second comma feels a little strange after adding "who speaks in rhymes", but if you say it's not a problem, then fine.It's needed here because "who speaks in rhymes" is part of the offsetting clause "a hideous green witch," which requires surrounding commas anyway (with or without the rhyming detail).
Didn't notice it before, but two consecutive clauses end in 'around'. Maybe it's not a problem, but if you can think of anything, do tell.Hm, didn't notice it either. Maybe "both faster and more versatile than the opposite"? Or "the inverse"?
wouldn't be kinda fun and appropriate if this particular section is actually written in rhyme?Fun, yes. But as much as Dafydd and I are nitpicking, we want to maintain the spirit of the original bio writer's words as much as possible. spajjder didn't write it in rhyme, Dafydd's suggestion to add Grunty's quirk came in late in the game, and I personally think trying to make it work would take up unnecessary time. We still have like 20 mascots that need attention.
Should we capitalize the f in 'find', or not?No capitalization needed when starting a colon-induced list (unless the first item was a name or other proper noun).
How about "She also has the ability to dissolve" for congruence with "Because of this, she has a Power Suit-like appearance"?Fine by me.
Anything else?
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1) Links - In the Game Music News section, the 4th item appears as:
[http://www.squareenixmusic.com/ Square Enix Music Online
Besides the weird format, it now redirects to:
2) Mega Man: The Wily Wars - It was released in '94 according to most references on that page, not '93. Speaking of which, the links to GameSpot (needs a capital S) and MobyGames lead to the wrong pages, so here's a fix for GameSpot and MobyGames respectively.
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Okay then, let's see how close we are to adding the finishing touches to these two bios.
Banjo and Kazooie:
Banjo & Kazooie are the famous Honey Bear and Red-Crested Breegull duo from the game series named after them. Banjo is a gentle, cheerful soul that likes to swim, climb, and play. In contrast, Kazooie is a loudmouth who likes to insult whoever she meets and brag about her accomplishments. Despite her abrasive nature, she sees Banjo as her adoptee, and has taken up residence in his backpack.The story begins when Gruntilda Winkybunion, a hideous green witch who speaks in rhymes, becomes jealous of Banjo's little sister Tooty's beautiful looks. As part of a plan to switch their looks, the witch kidnaps the cub, prompting Banjo and Kazooie to set out to rescue her.
Alone, Banjo can throw punches and unleash rolling attacks against opponents, but it is with the help of Kazooie that most of the duo's advanced moves become possible. These include jumping higher and farther, midair attacks, and even firing eggs from her beak or out of her rear. Humorously, the bird is often the one carrying the bear, whether by hauling him on her back, which is actually both faster and more versatile than the other way around, or by letting him hang glide under her wings as she flies him around.
As the protagonists make their way through Gruntilda's lair, occasionally accompanied by her rhyming taunts, they traverse mountains, deserts, and the very seasons themselves in their quest to find Banjo's sister. Along the way, they meet such characters as Mumbo Jumbo, the voodoo priest who turns them into various animals; Bottles, the mole who teaches them new fancy moves; and Brentilda, Gruntilda's better-looking sister, who gives them all manners of gossip of Gruntilda's disgusting habits.
The clock is ticking. Will Banjo and Kazooie save Tooty in time, or will Gruntilda finish her "makeover" and doom the cub to hideousness?
Dark Samus:
Protector of good, heroine to the light, beacon of hope... Dark Samus is none of those. The complete opposite of famed bounty hunter Samus Aran, she has only one basic instinct that drives her every move: find, absorb, and spread the mutagenic material known as Phazon. Anything that tries to get between her and this instinct is bound to experience the full range of her wrath.When an alien entity snatched away Samus's Phazon Suit upgrade and a bit of her DNA in the original Metroid Prime, it used these as a template to create the being now known as Dark Samus. Because of this, she has a Power Suit-like appearance, including a blaster on her right arm. She can also dissolve into a Phazon particle cloud, which makes her difficult to kill.
When the Space Pirates first encounter her on the planet Aether in Metroid Prime 2, their logs describe her as "The Dark Hunter"; however, the dark, organic suit and menacing behavior didn't match their earlier encounters. After witnessing a skirmish between the two Samuses and realising they were not only two separate beings but enemies as well, the pirates hoped to use this powerful creature to get rid of their sworn nemesis. This proved idle hope: Dark Samus makes no allies and takes orders from no one. While she does harbor a sense of hatred toward the bounty hunter, she will try to dispatch Samus when it suits her.
I'm satisfied with both. What say ye?
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"who speaks in rhymes" doesn't have the same rhythm to it, but it'll have to do. Unless you're OK with "mostly" as a replacement, but otoh that sounds kind of lame.
How about "who often speaks in rhymes"? usually? tends to? likes to?
Your suggested version seems to imply that Banjo is ever alone, but I could be wrong about that, and maybe it doesn't matter anyway. Let's go with your version.The bio already establishes B&K are a pair, so describing Banjo's attacks "alone" is less "he's on his own on this adventure" and more "without Kazooie's ever-ready assistance," IMO.
All right. At least it got us thinking about it.To clarify, because you sound disappointed, I think we should do it your way.
Actually, that was my way of saying "cool, we've decided on a way so we can move on."
She can also dissolve into a Phazon particle cloud and reassemble at will, which makes her difficult to kill.Sounds a little bit like the dissolving is involuntary, though.
Look at it this way: "She can [verb] at will," where [verb] encompasses BOTH dissolving into a cloud AND reassembling. If that still doesn't feel right, we can drop "and reassemble at will" to maintain focus on her shapeshifting ability.
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Does it mean that only at certain times is that action possible, or does it mean that at one point in time Dark Samus did that?
Story-wise, subjugating whatever's infected with Phazon happens in Metroid Prime 3, but we don't want to spoil everything in a character's history. Maybe this detail should be left out for simplicity.
This can be made more concise and on-point, to parallel "she can absorb, use, and...":She can also dissolve into a Phazon particle cloud capable of reassembling at will, making her difficult to kill.I like this. I didn't notice right away that "is... able to" appears twice close together, and we should keep the iterations of "can" low, so "capable of reassembling" (or "and reassemble") feels more natural. And looking at that sentence again, perhaps that post-comma bit should read "which makes her difficult to kill."
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It seems everyone's suffering from illness and overwork these days. Not blaming you guys - it's just a weird coincidence.
One can expect no less from one who embodies an entire race's hopes and strengthshas the word "one" twice in close proximity. I think this sentence would sound better with the latter one exchanged for "someone", but maybe it would subtly change the message in ways with which you would disagree?
"Someone" doesn't drastically change the meaning in this context, as far as I'm aware. I can use that.
The story begins when Gruntilda Winkybunion, a hideous green witch who only speaks in rhymes, becomes jealous ofTalk ONLY in rhymes she does not -
(Translation: I'm okay with the addition "who speaks in rhymes" but minus "only")
I'm still in favor of "Their adventure begins" over "The story begins".Starting the paragraph that way is misleading because it doesn't jump right into B&K's actions to save Tooty - the buildup/backstory is what sets the story in motion. (Speaking of, do you feel it more active to start with "The story is set in motion when..."? Or maybe we can end the paragraph with "sending Banjo and Kazooie on a grand adventure to rescue her.")
As the protagonists make their way through Gruntilda's castle, occasionally accompanied by her rhyming taunts (or is it taunting rhymes?), they traverse mountains, deserts, and the very seasons themselves in their quest to find Banjo's sister.1) Her lair, you mean (is that too vague? would fortress or tower work? also, Grunty's Castle appears in Grunty's Revenge).
2) Rhyming taunts, because the taunts are colored by/delivered via rhymes.
Furthermore, I'd like to avoid the use of "perform" twice in such close proximity by something along the lines ofAlthough Banjo can hold his own in a fight, dealing out punches or rolling attacks on his opponents,Good catch with "perform," but starting with "in a fight" sets up the implication that B&K's other moves involve fighting. My suggestion: "Alone, Banjo can throw punches and unleash rolling attacks against opponents, but it is with the help of Kazooie..."
I'll defer to your judgement on the tense in the next-to-final paragraph, Polo.All right. At least it got us thinking about it.
Still no word form Borgman, so maybe we should try to iron out the last wrinkles ourselves?He hasn't been online since January 28, so if that's enough of a wait, we can dive right in. Here's a fixed version with the edits we agreed upon:
Protector of good, heroine to the light, beacon of hope... Dark Samus is none of those. The complete opposite of famed bounty hunter Samus Aran, she has only one basic instinct that drives her every move: find, absorb, and spread the mutagenic material known as Phazon. Anything that tries to get between her and this instinct is bound to experience the full range of her wrath.When an alien entity snatched away Samus's Phazon Suit upgrade and a bit of her DNA in the original Metroid Prime, it used these as a template to create the being now known as Dark Samus. Because of this, she has a Power Suit-like appearance, including a blaster on her right arm. As she was almost literally born out of Phazon, she can absorb, use, and control this substance to her own advantage, and is at one point even able to subjugate those infected with Phazon. She is also able to dissolve into a Phazon particle cloud which can reassemble at will, making her difficult to kill.
When the Space Pirates first encounter her on the planet Aether in Metroid Prime 2, their logs describe her as "The Dark Hunter"; however, the dark, organic suit and menacing behavior didn't match their earlier encounters. After witnessing a skirmish between the two Samuses and realising they were not only two separate beings but enemies as well, the pirates hoped to use this powerful creature to get rid of their sworn nemesis. This proved idle hope: Dark Samus makes no allies and takes orders from no one. While she does harbor a sense of hatred toward the bounty hunter, she will try to dispatch Samus when it suits her.
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"Versatile" can mean "having many uses" or "handy." I wanted to emphasize how it helps Knuckles move around a lot, like running and digging (he can change directions when gliding). Also, because he has his spiked gloves out in front of him when catching air, he can fly into and destroy the same obstacles he can when he manually punches at ground level.
Of course, I didn't mention those things in the bio, and I'm not sure if I should work them in just to justify using "versatile." I can probably introduce the gliding bit with "One of his handier moves" or "A particularly handy move" or "One unique move" or something. Whatcha think?
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About that Banjo & Kazooie paragraph we disagree on - do you prefer the future tense because it goes along with the last paragraph? I think by keeping it in the present, we don't run the risk of a tense conflict because B&K's actions don't have a definite end to them - we know they're doing something, but we don't know if that's the last of it/they'll succeed/they'll fail.
And if we go with the future tense, there are a few parts that will have to adjust to it, i.e.:
"the voodoo priest who will turn them into various animals"
"the mole who will teach them new fancy moves"
Seems a bit much, IMO. But I still want to hear your thoughts, 'cause I wouldn't want to keep spajjder waiting.
Knuckles the Echidna
"I am one with the Master Emerald."
== Bio ==
On Angel Island rests the Master Emerald, a gem capable of neutralizing the power of the Chaos Emeralds. Its sole guardian is Knuckles the Echidna, the last member of a race whose sworn duty has been to keep the emerald safe from thieves and destruction.
Having adhered to his duty his whole life, Knuckles prefers solitude over company. His focused nature occasionally makes him appear stubborn and arrogant around others, and rarely will he swallow his pride to admit when he's wrong. Serious to a fault, Knuckles often takes others' words at face value, particularly when the Master Emerald is involved. He originally believed Dr. Robotnik's lie that Sonic was the one trying to steal it from him, resulting in a clash between the echidna and hedgehog. Once the truth came to light, the two teamed up to take down the scheming doctor, and since then, Knuckles has been a steadfast (if relatively aloof) ally in Sonic's adventures.
Two spikes adorn both of Knuckles's gloves, adding a visible emphasis to his name. He punches his way through countless obstructions, from walls to boulders to baddies, when clearing a path of his choosing. Similar to a real echidna, Knuckles likes to burrow under surfaces to root out treasures. One of his more versatile moves is the ability to glide through the air for long distances, from which he can latch onto walls to climb. These tactics and more serve him well in exploration — there have been times when the Master Emerald shattered into fragments, and its ever-vigilant guardian tracked down every piece and reassembled them into a once-again functioning whole. One can expect no less from one who embodies an entire race's hopes and strengths.
== References ==
Sonic News Network - "Knuckles the Echidna"
Wikipedia - "Knuckles the Echidna"
Sonic the Hedgehog 3 instruction manual
Sonic & Knuckles instruction manual
Sonic Adventure 2 instruction manual
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No problem. Composed and uploaded.
I now claim Knuckles the Echidna.
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This looks like one of those English-based structures I've apparently taken for granted. I see where it can get confusing, and yes, it would be easier to drop "that of" and say "who shares his name and hairstyle with a well-known composer" because the comparison is clear. I will use that.
Any other concerns, or is the Koopaling ready for the OCRWiki?
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Red Crested Bregull
Don't know how I missed this, but it should be "Red-Crested Breegull" (+hyphen, +extra E).
Also, midair is one word, not two.
Aside from these two nitpicks, I personally think this bio is done. We'll just have to wait for Dafydd's opinion, particularly on the 4th paragraph.
Here's Ludwig's bio again, if it needs any more fixes:
Bowser has always populated his army with eccentric and memorable baddies to stand in Mario's way. More than once, he's enlisted the help of the Koopalings, seven "miniature Bowser"-like siblings who love to wreak havoc in the Mushroom World by kidnapping Princess Peach, conquering lands, and generally taking what isn't theirs. The oldest of these is Ludwig von Koopa, who shares his name and hairstyle with that of a well-known composer.Ludwig is one of the most cunning and dangerous Koopalings. In Super Mario Bros. 3, he and his siblings assault Mario with blasts from magic wands they stole from the Mushroom Kings. Thanks to his massive girth, Ludwig can, like his brother Roy, hit the ground hard enough after jumping to create an earthquake that briefly paralyzes the plumber if he's not airborne. Super Mario World goes a step further and gives the Beethoven-haired Koopaling his own unique attack pattern: he hurls fireballs from his mouth, then tucks into his shell and spins along the ground to knock Mario off his feet. The New Super Mario Bros. titles reveal a battle style similar to that of his first appearance: he shoots fireballs from his magic wand and tries to stomp on his adversary's head.
Ludwig's abilities may differ between games, and are sometimes demonstrated by other Koopalings, but no matter when or how he's fought, he's sure to compose as much trouble as he can for the hapless plumber.
Hey everyone, I'd like to give this a second shot after my Vyse article and claim Shulk's if that's cool.Sure. Lookin' forward to what you come up with.
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In Smash 4 (where I got the image from), this teamup is called "Duck Hunt," so that's their name. In Europe, they're called Duck Hunt Duo. The team consists of a duck and a hound.
Huh. Seems like they should've been called Duck Hunt Duo everywhere, but whatever. Thanks for clarifying.
would "land hard enough after jumping" imply bodily injury on Ludwig's part?Not if he uses his weight against Mario. It's an asset, not a liability.
"Ludwig's abilities may differ between games, and are sometimes demonstrated by other Koopalings, but..."This I can work with, danke (+added the word "may").
Well, I did some research on the
guy and it looks like it was mostly used sarcastically back in the days of unmod. I hope I haven't hurt too many people's feelings by using it sincerely...
Ha, don't worry about it. I always view the Nice Work emoticon as genuine (if low-key) praise.
OK, spajjder, thanks for sticking around!QFE. Thanks especially for patiently following along with my and Dafydd's back-and-forth as we try to agree on workable edits. Your bio looks close to finished.
Saying "The plot revolves around" breaks the fourth wall unnecessarily, and the paragraph lacks flow and doesn't fit well with the surrounding ones.How about something like:
"The story begins when Gruntilda Winkybunion, a hideous green witch, becomes jealous of Banjo's little sister Tooty's beautiful looks. As part of a plan to switch their looks, the witch kidnaps the cub, prompting Banjo and Kazooie to set out to rescue her."
No 4th wall breakage, no plan details to draw attention away from B&K's main mission, "plan" is mentioned once instead of twice, only 2 sentences...
mid-air attacks, jumping higher and farther, and even firing eggs from her beak or out of her rear.I want the mid-air attacks after the jumping higher and farther, but then we run a risk of the egg firing being interpreted as a mid-air attack. Hmm...
Your first suggestion is fine, but I disagree on the second. The way I read it, firing eggs is just another ability, not related to attacking in midair. (Also, midair doesn't need a hyphen.)
The protagonists traverse mountains, deserts, and the very seasons themselvesThis paragraph would feel better in the future tense, I think.
Care to explain why? It's not like other bios needed to move into the future tense after the plot has been set up in the past (or present) tense. I think this paragraph is fine.
Will Banjo and Kazooie be able to save Tooty, or will Gruntilda be able to finish her "makeover" and doom Tooty to hideousness?Again, you have "be able to" twice in close proximity. How about "Will Banjo and Kazooie save Tooty in time"?
To add to this, I think it's better to omit both instances of "be able to" for word economy.
you have "Tooty" twice in the same sentence, which I'd like to avoid if possible.The second Tooty can instead be "the girl/child/damsel/little one/whatever"
Also Dafydd, spajjder is the real author of those last three quotes in your post, not me.
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Sometimes, I wonder if we shouldn't source the quotes we use.
Hm. Maybe. I see quotes as a teaser for/hint of a mascot's motives or personality and a way to get the reader interested enough to keep going. Sourcing the quote may or may not be obstructive depending on how it's presented. I do try to make sure quotes come from video games or instruction manuals, not TV shows, movies, fanfics, or other derivative adaptations (but the Marvel comics mascots can use comic-originating quotes).
"to stand in Mario's way", but that's just a suggestion.I'll take you up on your suggestion.
The koopalings are persons, sort of, so I'd prefer "who" over "that". But, according to an earlier post, "that" is probably more correct. I don't know why I have such dislike of the word "that", but I do. Maybe it's only because "who" makes reading the sentence out loud easier by allowing you to bounce back from your teeth for one syllable.Like I said in that post, going with "that" rather than "who" is kind of based on personal preference. Maybe I just put too much emphasis on the importance of "who," although nothing's lost by using it when talking about the Koopalings, so I'll side with you on this one. I'll also try to be more mindful of the times I use "that."
If he shares more than one thing, shouldn't it be "those" rather than "that"? Or would that instead imply they share more than one name and more than one hairstyle?I'm pretty sure "that" can refer to the totality of what another has, i.e. their stock. "I share a computer model, internet connection, and browsing history with that (the compared collection) of my neighbor." Then again, "those" works just as well, even if for some reason I keep doing a double-take when I read it that way (maybe I automatically think "wait, what else did I miss?").
By the way, I wonder why it's Ludwig von and not Ludwig van. Hmm.Maybe it's a misspelling or a way to not shame Beethoven too directly? I dunno.
How do you feel about "Ludwig, like his brother Roy, can stomp the ground"?It feels like a sudden pause right after another ("Thanks to his massive girth") that boxes him in and makes him almost inferior to his brother. Saying "Ludwig can" before the pause is like a more open cliffhanger that, when finished, satisfies the tension set up. It also feels more like he's being compared to Roy rather than following in his footsteps, IMO.
"hard enough when landing a jump", for accuracy? They're not two separate moves, as far as I know."Landing a jump" sounds a bit too similar to "[stomping] the ground" - both involve feet contacting earth once more. How about "hit the ground hard enough after jumping" to avoid the idea that Ludwig simply stomps his feet when standing?
Depending on the game, Ludwig's abilities may change or be demonstrated by other Koopalings.Sounds a little bit too much like a legal document in its current wording.
If the "demonstrated" part is what's throwing you off, I thought it was a little weird to say abilities might "show up in/be in the hands of/be given to" other Koopalings. What do you think?
Also, I move for "other Koopalings, but no matter" instead of two separate sentences.Feels smoother, sure.
I'm trilled to have such A major key player on staff.This is one of those times when I wish OCR had an :applause: emoticon (or a :thumbsup: or a :highfive: or something). So I'll just send a
right back at ya. Duck HuntYou mean they're actually called "Duck Hunt," not Duck and Hound?
You might wanna slow down a bit, Larry.Also, is there a way to display every article link in the Mascots category? For a moment I thought Yoshi, Yuna, Zero, and other "end of the alphabet" mascots were gone until I clicked "(next 200)" at the bottom.
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"Humorously, the bird is often the one carrying the bear, whether by hauling him on her back, which is actually both faster and more versatile than the other way around, or by letting him hang glide under her wings as she flies him around."
I like this rewording, especially with the word "hauling." I can jive with it. Also, "hang glide" apparently doesn't use a hyphen, so I took that out.
other options include "lug", "pack", and, of course... "bear".
Ha ha ha, beary funny.
Anyway, a new bio appears, yay. A couple of things:
- I tried to stay focused on Ludwig more than the Koopalings as a whole.
- The Koopalings were originally Bowser's kids, but Nintendo retconned it, so I didn't say it in the bio.
Ludwig von Koopa
"How many Bowsers does it take to unscrew a lightbulb? Ha ha, only one, and he's dying to plunge Mario into darkness!"
== Bio ==
Bowser has always populated his army with eccentric and memorable baddies to oppose Mario. More than once, he's enlisted the help of the Koopalings, seven "miniature Bowser"-like siblings that love to wreak havoc in the Mushroom World by kidnapping Princess Peach, conquering lands, and generally taking what isn't theirs. The oldest of these is Ludwig von Koopa, who shares his name and hairstyle with that of a well-known composer.
Ludwig is one of the most cunning and dangerous Koopalings. In Super Mario Bros. 3, he and his siblings assault Mario with blasts from magic wands they stole from the Mushroom Kings. Thanks to his massive girth, Ludwig can, like his brother Roy, stomp the ground hard enough after jumping to create an earthquake that briefly paralyzes the plumber if he's not airborne. Super Mario World goes a step further and gives the Beethoven-haired Koopaling his own unique attack pattern: he hurls fireballs from his mouth, then tucks into his shell and spins along the ground to knock Mario off his feet. The New Super Mario Bros. titles reveal a battle style similar to that of his first appearance: he shoots fireballs from his magic wand and tries to stomp on his adversary's head.
Depending on the game, Ludwig's abilities may change or be demonstrated by other Koopalings. No matter when or how he's fought, he's sure to compose as much trouble as he can for the hapless plumber.
== References ==
Super Mario Wiki - "Ludwig von Koopa"
Super Mario Bros. 3 instruction manual
Super Mario World instruction manual
Nintendo Power Strategy Guide: Super Mario Bros. 3
Banjo & KazooieRosalina
- I would've preferred the "and" written out (Banjo and Kazooie) to match the style of Toejam and Earl, but no biggie.
- I thought Rosalina was princess. If so, she needs her regal prefix (Princess Rosalina) because Peach, Zelda, and Ruto have it.
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I thought this was part of her abrasive nature, that she adopted Banjo not out of kindness but because she thinks he's too much of a dimwit to take care of himself. But if I'm wrong, then let's go with your suggestion.
I actually don't know the specifics behind why Kazooie "adopts" Banjo. I just figure that if she did that and treats him as a friend, then it's a natural contrast to her "abrasive nature," as I put it.
Ok, so, in spajjder's wording,A: Gruntilda becomes jealous of Tooie's good looks
B: The story revolves around A
C: Gruntilda devices a plan because of B
But it should be because of A, right? I think this is related to what's called a dangling modifier.
OH, of course.
My mind must've blanked out that time. Yeah, the story is about Grunty stealing Tooty's good looks, not about breaking the 4th wall and reading the plot before doing something sinister. So that paragraph should read more like:"The plot revolves around Gruntilda Winkybunion, a hideous green witch, targeting Banjo's little sister Tooty's beautiful looks. Driven by jealousy, the witch devises a plan to, with the help of sorcery and some high-tech machinery..."
By the way, a dangling modifier has no immediate or clear subject being talked about (or it's referring to the wrong thing). Here, "Driven by jealousy" could be one if the sentence instead continued with the plan as the subject instead of Grunty. I'm not sure if what you were thinking of has a name, but nice catch on "therefore."
Sure, he was, but the phrase "the latter of which" sounds so out of place. Still, we need to disambiguate between flying and the Talon Trot there somehow.Is one set of parentheses enough to make it clear?:
"Humorously, the bird is often escorting the bear, whether by flying him around or simply by carrying him on her back (this is faster and more versatile than the other way around)." (-removed "actually both" to save on words)
"As she was almost literally born out of Phazon, she can absorb, use and control this substance to her own advantage, and is at one point even able to subjugate those infected with Phazon." (+added the word "even") How's that?Without my addition in bold, that doesn't look like proper English. Am I missing something, or did you?
Anyway, if this really is something that happens "at one point", then this wording is better than my suggestion with "eventually".See, this is why I appreciate your help.
I thought my original wording was complete, but I forgot to check by removing some words and seeing if "she can at one point even able to subjugate those..." made sense. Including "and is" makes the sentence more solid. Or that clause can be read as: "...and at one point she is able to subjugate those..."So yeah, I missed something, not you.
OCR Mascot Bios - 20 more up for grabs!
in Projects
Posted
Don't know when or if I've heard of destruction/events "taking hold" of something, but I have heard of something abstract "gripping" another thing ("fear grips you"). Odd. Saying Quote is "out to stop horrible events from taking hold of the island" sounds pretty nifty. Unless you have other ideas, I can use that.
Glad to be of some English-y assistance.
Done.
Good, this'll help us space out our workload and give Arrow the liberty to mess around with Shulk more.Here are the robots' bios again, in case you see any other tweakable tweaks to gussy them up better.
Quote:
Curly Brace: