Polo
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It's okay if life got in the way, guys. Happens to all of us. (I might even be AFK more than I want to since my own schedule just got busy lately. But we'll see.)
Shouldn't that be "playing the instruments"? Without "the", it sounds like they go randomly grabbing instruments they pick up that happen to have their names (there's only one instrument that goes by the name "banjo" afaik, but this sentence makes it sound like there are several). Adding "the" also implies, at least to my ears, however vaguely, that they are likely owners of such instruments.Well, saying "the" implies they've been noted/described beforehand, and spajjder wasn't sure whether or not to keep the bit about the instruments that early. Also, I think you mean "their" (+i-r) instruments (to show possession).
I wonder if wouldn't be a better idea to describe the moves instead of namedropping them?Yes to this suggestion and to saying "their advanced moves" instead of "the game's moves."
Also, I think "Ironically" would be better as "True to the humorous nature of their world" or something to that effect.Better yet: "Humorously"
Together, they set out to rescue Banjo's little sister, who has been captured by the hideous green witch Gruntilda Winkybunion. Driven by her jealousy of the young bear's good looks, the witch devises a plan to trade her beauty with her own lack thereof, by means of witchcraft and some high-tech machinery.Maybe it's just me, but the order here seems to draw attention/power away from B&K's mission. I think the original wording works fine as it goes from villain's motives -> villain's actions -> heroes' reaction/call to adventure because we see what ultimately drives B&K and root for them.
I also think that what is now the third paragraph should switch places with the second to keep the momentum up for a little longer.You mean talk about the backstory/Grunty kidnapping Tooty, followed by B&K's moveset and how far they go to rescue her? Yeah, I can see the benefits of that order.
Dark Samus:
"Absorb" and "spread" seem like opposites. Which is it?
Both, according to her official history. BorgMan does mention later how she can "absorb, use and control" it on her own.
- "experience to full range of her wrath" --> "experience the full range of her wrath"
it still sounds like the reader is supposed to know what "the Metroid Prime entity" (and, actually, "Samus's Phazon Suit" as well) are before reading the article. Maybe "When a powerful alien entity snatched away Samus’s Phazon Suit upgrade and a bit of her DNA after a climactic battle in the depths of the planet Tallon IV"?To trim it further, how about: "When an alien entity snatched away Samus's Phazon Suit upgrade and a bit of her DNA at the end of a fierce battle..."
so much so that that she is able to subjugate those infected with Phazon into complete obedience.This is a little on the long side...
"...at one point able to subjugate those infected with Phazon" maybe?
In Metroid Prime 3Could we say something like "Much later" instead?
I think the bigger issue is that the sentence it's in is a possible spoiler, and kinda redundant (she can bend Phazon to her will - isn't that frightening enough info without adding that she also comes to control its planet of origin?).
How about this?: "She also learns how to dissolve into a Phazon particle cloud"I don't think it's something she learns to do - rather, she just does it.
- "When the Space Pirates first encounter her on the planet Aether in Metroid Prime 2, their logs describe her as “The Dark Hunter”; however, the dark, organic suit and menacing behavior didn’t match their earlier encounters." --> I just wanna say bravo on using the semicolon and the word "however" correctly.
- "realising that the two" --> "realising that they" (otherwise you'd have "two" appear 3 times close together)
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First, I'll address this concern:
the italics are parts I wonder if they are necessary.- Playing an instrument of the same name is a shared action/hobby, so this tidbit belongs more in the context of togetherness/other shared actions rather than "this is character A's personality, and now this is character B's." Try this (changes in bold):
"Banjo [...] likes to swim, climb, and play. In contrast, Kazooie is a loudmouth who likes to insult whoever she meets and brag about her accomplishments."
This way you stay focused on one character's personality/actions at a time while still showing the reader how they differ. Then, if you choose to include the instrument-playing bit, you can have one sentence afterward say something like: "Despite their differences, they have a strong bond at all times, whether they're adventuring or playing instruments that share their names."
- I think the starter sentence in paragraph 2 isn't necessary because 1) it immediately repeats what you end the 1st paragraph with, and 2) Kazooie residing in Banjo's backpack should be enough starter info for when you explain some of the pair's moves.
- If you feel the part about collecting notes and jigsaw pieces is too much in an already long bio, then I won't fault you for not including it. I see you've already added useful details elsewhere.
I also wonder, since this a community about remixing game sound/music, would it be relevant to describe that the game is filled with characters who converse using variations of one kind of sound? Where should that be put in if such is the case?Clever observation, but IMO I think it's a bit cumbersome/unnecessary. A lot of games have characters speaking "Simlish"/gibberish like that, and it's more of a game design choice than anything relevant to stories or characters.
Now for all the other edits (from the top)...
- "gentle, yet cheerful" --> "gentle, cheerful" (these adjectives aren't really at odds with each other, plus this feels more workable)
- "most of the game's moves" --> "most moves" (since you don't say "the (first) game" beforehand)
- "beak barge, the shock spring jump" --> Remember to capitalize these move names (Beak Barge, Shock Spring Jump)
- "as well as the firing of eggs" --> "and firing eggs"
- "whether by flying him around, or simply by carrying him on her back" --> You can remove that comma with no problem.
- "something which actually is" --> Change this to "the latter of which is" (this goes hand-in-hand with my previous note)
- "little sister, Tooty" --> Either cut this comma or add one after Tooty's name.
- The 3rd paragraph has the names Gruntilda and Tooty appear in every sentence. To change it up a bit, I suggest rewording the 2nd sentence to refer to them as "The witch"/"The former" and "the girl"/"the cub"/"the latter" or something (if you choose "witch" for Grunty, you might want to alter "witchcraft" to "magic" or "sorcery," again for variety).
- "high tech" --> "high-tech" (+hyphen)
- "When Gruntilda put her plan to action" --> "When Gruntilda puts her plan into action"
- "Banjo & Kazooie venture through" --> "The heroes go through/traverse" (because you already say B&K's names in the sentence right before and "adventures" in the next sentence - feel free to come up with alternatives)
- I (still) think "In their adventures" would be better as "Along the way" to stay grounded in the fact that saving Tooty is THE adventure being covered in the bio.
- When talking about the different characters B&K meet, it helps to keep them all in one list instead of going over two and then one more. It'll look like this (semicolons included, plus a few other fixes):
"Along the way, they meet such characters as Mumbo Jumbo, the voodoo priest who turns them into various animals; Bottles, the mole who teaches them new fancy moves; and Brentilda, Gruntilda's better-looking sister, who gives them all manners of gossip of Gruntilda's disgusting habits." (there should a hyphen between "better" and "looking")
- The comma after "The quest awaits" should instead be either a colon or a period.
- "make-over" --> "makeover" (no hyphen needed)
- To reiterate, if you use the Banjo-Kazooie Wiki, use specific pages, not just the main page. For starters, you can link to the character pages for Banjo and Kazooie.
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Welcome to OCR, spajjder.
- "from the Banjo Kazooie universe" --> Try instead "from the universe of the same name" or "from the game series named after them" or similar (this is so you don't say "Banjo" 3 times so soon in succession)
- You already establish their species names in the 1st sentence. No need to repeat the fact that Banjo's a bear in the 2nd sentence or that Kazooie's a bird in the 4th.
- "Kazooie is an altogether different story" --> Saying "altogether" (and "story") implies you already went way in depth with Banjo when you only listed his hobbies. I recommend saying "Kazooie, on the other hand..." and link it with the following sentence.
- "loud mouthed" --> Loudmouthed is one word, not two. (You can also say loudmouth as a noun.)
- "Banjos backpack" --> "Banjo's backpack" (+apostrophe)
- "brag about its accomplishments" --> Kazooie's a girl, so use "her" instead of "its" (or "his")
- "helping [her] fellow bear out of trouble" --> "help [one] out of trouble" sounds weird, so how about an alternative:
helping her fellow bear
getting her fellow bear out of trouble
helping her fellow bear get out of trouble
helping her fellow bear during times of trouble
- Good start on describing some of B&K's attacks/forms of teamwork. Kazooie residing in Banjo's backpack feels like it belongs here, not earlier, so that you can more easily explore some of their dual moves like Talon Trot, Beak Barge, Stilt Stride, or whatever. This way, finishing with "Together the unlikely pair makes an excellent team" will have more impact.
- Don't forget that Kazooie also plays an instrument sharing her name. (I mean, if you're going to mention Banjo's...)
- "Banjo and Kazooie sets out on their quest when Gruntilda Winkybunion, the hideous green witch, kidnaps Banjo's little sister, Tooty, to, with her witchcraft and some high tech machinery, steal Tooty's fabulous looks." --> 1) They "set out," not "sets out" (you had it right the first time); 2) Saying the protagonists "set out on their quest" implies that you said what it was beforehand (or that they had a quest to begin with). It would help if you reversed the order of ideas (Gruntilda nabs Tooty before B&K notice and set out to rescue her); 3) Break this long sentence down into more manageable chunks/smaller sentences. You don't want too many commas in there.
- "swamps, deserts, and lagoons" --> You already say Kazooie can carry Banjo through swamps in the 1st paragraph, so choose something else besides "swamps" and "lagoons" here (mountains? beaches? sewers? one of the later levels?).
- "In their travels" --> You already use the word "travel" in the previous sentence (watch the repetition). Maybe "Along the way" or "In different levels/worlds/areas" would be better.
- vodoo --> voodoo (extra O)
- Thanks for introducing the characters without spoiling any major details story-wise. If you choose to focus only on the first BK game, I think you can mention a little more about their world/the gameplay, like how they go into different worlds to collect jigsaw puzzle pieces to fit into pictures in Gruntilda's Lair to open up new paths to progress. Stuff like this can fit in the 2nd paragraph to give the reader a more vivid idea of B&K's mission to save Tooty.
- "perhaps most famously, a burping, crying, pirate hippo who needs help to find his lost gold" --> 1)
Captain Blubber seems out of place in this context because the other two (Mumbo Jumbo and Bottles) are recurring characters that help the bear and bird more substantially than with just one jigsaw puzzle piece in one area. (Maybe Brentilda would be a better choice?) You can instead use this space to say that the witch doctor's transformations help the pair reach/pass through formerly inaccessible/hazardous areas, and perhaps briefly describe some abilities Bottles teaches the heroes. 2) That crying hippo pirate didn't leave as much of an impression on me as Game Over Gruntilda did (I'm sure many players would agree 
). Speaking of which...- We don't allow YouTube videos by themselves as sources. You can, however, use a reference that has an embedded video in it as long as the source delivers mostly textual information (example: the Meet the Heavy page linked in the Heavy's bio). Minus the video, you'll need at least one more reference to list. You can use a walkthrough on GameFAQs, a page from a wiki on the characters/game/series (one or more pages from here, if you'd like - just specify which one), Wikipedia, a fan site with lots of game/character info, the developer's official site if it provides similarly relevant info, or something else that stresses thoughtful reading over passive watching.
- Finally, it would help if you hit ENTER twice to leave a line of space between paragraphs for better readability.
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Yep, I'm satisfied with it. Uploaded!
Next, I'll compose something for Koopa von Beethoven (a.k.a. Ludwig).
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If "artifacts critical to her nefarious plans" is clear enough for you, I can roll with it. Third time's a belly dancing charm:
In Sequin Land, Genies have guarded human populations from monsters and other dangers for ages. Their numbers have dwindled over time; however, the code of loyalty they've been known to live by is upheld by their half-Genie descendants. One of these is Shantae, who earns her keep by watching over the fishing settlement of Scuttle Town. When the pirate Risky Boots launches a raid on the port and steals a dangerous relic, Shantae sets out after her in an effort to save all of Sequin Land from the pirate's machinations.
Shantae's Arabian design reflects an arsenal of flashy abilities. Whipping her ponytail is her main tactic for dispatching enemies, but she can equip specific gear that enables her to deliver kicks and elbow dashes as well. She may even find and use pirates' weapons like swords and guns. As one might guess from her outfit, Shantae has a penchant for belly dancing, and by learning specific dance moves, she can magically teleport to a place she's already visited or shapeshift into various creatures. These transformations include a monkey, an elephant, a mermaid, a harpy, and more, each different in terms of mobility, strength, and how they can be used to solve puzzles and clear obstacles.
Because she's not a full Genie, Shantae sometimes lacks confidence in her powers. She often relies on her friends from Scuttle Town for support and guidance as she races Risky Boots for magical artifacts critical to her nefarious plans. No matter the trials, Shantae takes as much as she can in stride as she learns what it means to be a half-Genie and a protectress.
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Would it feel awkward to add an article to the last three creatures? It would feel repetitive, but when you leave it out, it sounds like all four are referring to the same, big, weird transformation.
"These transformations include a monkey, an elephant, a mermaid, a harpy, and more..." It's not too much.
This sounds to me a little like the creatures are solving puzzles for the player, automatically. How about "how they can solve" or even "how they can be used to solve"? Or, how about "mobility, strength, and abilities that they can use to solve puzzles and clear obstacles."? This still makes the creature the agent (?), but less directly so.I can work with "how they can be used to solve" here.
To clarify, my confusion is with whether the artifacts are critical chiefly to Shantae's plans to stop Risky Boots('), or chiefly to Risky Boots' plans.Sort of both, but more the latter. Risky Boots is searching for magical items that can power up another major item she has (Steam Engine or Magic Lamp) in order to become an unstoppable villain (control a steam-powered weapon or control Genies), so Shantae is trying to grab those items first and play keep away. I can try this: "...as she races Risky Boots for magical artifacts that the latter is after to further her own nefarious plans." That OK?
(s or no s after this apostrophe? It's a noun, but it's also a name. Mindsplode)You're not alone in your confusion. I think you can go either way on this with no trouble (Risky Boots' or Risky Boots's).
Your nitpicks aren't unfounded, btw. I like to go for brevity whenever possible, but it doesn't hurt to add a few more words of clarity to get certain ideas across.
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Shantae take 2 (or Shantaek 2):
In Sequin Land, Genies have guarded human populations from monsters and other dangers for ages. Their numbers have dwindled over time; however, the code of loyalty they've been known to live by is upheld by their half-Genie descendants. One of these is Shantae, who earns her keep by watching over the fishing settlement of Scuttle Town. When the pirate Risky Boots launches a raid on the port and steals a dangerous relic, Shantae sets out after her in an effort to save all of Sequin Land from the pirate's machinations.
Shantae's Arabian design reflects an arsenal of flashy abilities. Whipping her ponytail is her main tactic for dispatching enemies, but she can equip specific gear that enables her to deliver kicks and elbow dashes as well. She may even find and use pirates' weapons like swords and guns. As one might guess from her outfit, Shantae has a penchant for belly dancing, and by learning specific dance moves, she can magically teleport to a place she's already visited or shapeshift into various creatures. These transformations include a monkey, elephant, mermaid, harpy, and more, each different in terms of mobility, strength, and how they solve puzzles and clear obstacles.
Because she's not a full Genie, Shantae sometimes lacks confidence in her powers. She often relies on her friends from Scuttle Town for support and guidance as she races Risky Boots for magical artifacts critical to halting her plans. No matter the trials, Shantae takes as much as she can in stride as she learns what it means to be a half-Genie and a protectress.
wish-granting conventions are a bit looser than the "three wishes" ruleRemember this joke I told you about, but never told? Yeah, we're getting close.
Ohhhhh, I see what you have the potential to do there.
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at what point have Genies (why is it capitalized, anyway?) done this? Historically, but not recently (except for Shantae, presently); from time to time, for as long as anyone can remember... It sounds from your suggested change that it's been a while since it happened last time (except for right now, thanks to Shantae).
It's one of those backstories that goes "once there were many, but now there are few/none." From the first game's instruction manual:
Have you ever heard of Sequin Land? It was once a magical place, protected from monsters and mishaps by beautiful Guardian Genies. During long years of peace, many of the Genies fell in love with mortal men and half-Genies were born.Sadly, as the ages passed large numbers of the original Genies began to disappear, until one day there were no more. Some folks imagined that they had been captured inside bottles, while others believed that the Genies had returned to their own realm.
Without the protection of the Guardian Genies, the daughters of the Genies with their limited magical powers made a decision to stand against evil on their own. Though they were few and far between, these half-Genies traveled the world, each choosing a kingdom to guard until peace could be won again.
With that in mind, here's a possible revision of part of the 1st paragraph:
"In Sequin Land, Genies have guarded human populations from monsters and other dangers for ages. Their numbers have dwindled over time; however, the code of loyalty they've been known to live by is upheld by their half-Genie descendants. One of these is Shantae, who earns her keep by watching over the fishing settlement of Scuttle Town..."
And to clarify: yes, Shantae is the only half-Genie who tries to save all of Sequin Land, never mind what the other half-Genies that we never see (until the 4th upcoming game, maybe) are up to. (You can meet/save full Genies in the games, so they're not all "gone" per se.) Also, I think the word is capitalized because they're a type unique to Shantae's world: Genies and half-Genies are female, and wish-granting conventions are a bit looser than the "three wishes" rule we normally think of. Also, belly dancing.
On second thought, maybe do "As one might guess from her outfit" if you want to sound more casual.Even better. I'll go with that.
Creatures works. By the way, how do you think replacing "different" with "various" changes the feel of the sentence? Does either word imply anything about the number of possible creatures to shapeshift into? Does "various" put less emphasis on the fact that these creatures have distinct and unique abilities?"Various" opens up Shantae's shapeshifting options considerably, whereas "different" keeps those options down to a limited number, with an emphasis on comparing/contrasting the different forms' abilities/uses. Either could work, although "various" doesn't necessarily de-emphasize the creatures' abilities because in the next sentence I note 4 transformations plus "and more," thereby expanding on the idea of "many options to choose from." Going over the abilities afterward doesn't feel hindered or afterthought-y, but rather "here's why they matter and how they're special..."
So yeah, I'm cool with using "various."
The second suggestion (or, rather, the word "maximum") sounds cold and technical for something that describes interpersonal relationships, so I'd go with the first one."She often relies..." Okay.
I wonder how far we can go to keep spoilers to a minimum without getting ridiculous. For instance, do we need to reveal her origins? The second and third paragraphs deal with the second and third game in the series. I guess there's little to tell if you can't mention anything from Metroid Prime 2, but is the third game really necessary to bring up?Maybe we can mark off which details are necessary for BorgMan to work with. For example:
- Dark Samus uses the substance Phazon = needed because it's part of her core abilities
- Conditions/fallout of 1st game's last battle = spoilers
- Dark Samus contains some of Samus's DNA = helps explain her appearance
- How Dark Samus got that DNA = probably should be hinted at via "During Samus's adventures..." or something that doesn't explicitly detail the end of the first game
- Metroid Prime 3 = goes beyond a simple introduction to the character; an overview of her abilities would work better in one section rather than spread out
In other news:"They killed my father right in front of me. I will have my revenge."Pictured from: Sonic & All-Stars Racing Transformed
Larry must've meant Sonic & Sega All-Stars Racing (not Transformed). Fixed. The quote is already accurate (or do you think it needs any punctuation adjustments?).
I'd be interested in doing the bio for Layton, but I've only beaten the first game. I'd assume these bios aren't too spoiler-heavy, but you might want someone with a bit more knowledge of the series or at least willing to spoil the other games for themselves.To add to Dafydd's words, you don't have to be an expert on a mascot to write about them. Most of my bios are on characters whose games I've never played. It's simply a matter of piecing together the relevant basics gathered from instruction manuals, wikis, etc.
The bio for Knuckles should just be a link to the lyrics page of Bronx Rican's "Unknown from M.C". I'm sure I can get people to agree with me on this.But there's a chorus in that mix. We don't want repetition in these bios.
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Welcome back, Dafydd!
... since the beginning of time. Assuming that's correct, of course. Or is it more like... "on occasion"? The sentence would feel more complete with some temporal... detail there at the end.I can put "many years ago" or "ages ago" at the end of that sentence. Do you think this would warrant "Presently" or similar at the start of the next sentence?
This feels backwards somehow, as if she likes belly dancing because of her outfit, not that she's likely to like belly dancing judging by her outfit. How about "As her outfit suggests" or similar?Ah, I see how that can seem backwards. Sure, "As her outfit suggests" makes it clearer.
Technically, some of these aren't animals.True. How about "shapeshift into different creatures" instead?
"and not so much on her friends from Shipwreck Town"? "and not so much for fun and games"? I'm having a little trouble working out the significance of "the most" here, but I may simply be unfamiliar with the expression
The idea is that, out of all her allies, the ones from Scuttle Town are the best/most consistent at boosting her spirits. Maybe one of the following would get the idea across better?:
"She often relies on her friends from Scuttle Town for support and guidance"
"She relies on her friends from Scuttle Town for maximum support and guidance"
I have this feeling that you've written about Shantae before at some point.Maybe you're thinking of Bayonetta or some other chick. I've done a lot.
I wouldn't want to force people to tell us if they don't want to. I would feel friendlier asking about it when and if it feels necessary to resolve a disagreementOkay, no problem.
"What is the difference between a cat and a comma? One has claws at the end of its paws; the other is a pause at the end of a clause."Wow, that is genius.
I was under the impression that if you're listing more than 2 things in English (i.e. "A, B, and C") the comma before 'and' is mandatory.It's normally by choice whether someone wants to put a comma after the 2nd-to-last item in a list (as long as they stay consistent), but it helps to have it there for better flow/readability.
didn't we allow a bio to be written in British English at some point? I seem to remember discussing it, at least.Yeah, British English is fine for those who write "realises" and "colour" and other such spellings. Also, I think comma rules in lists are independent of whether the person uses British or American English.
By the way, I noticed the page for Ludwig von Koopa lists "Super Mario Wario" as an appearance. Pretty sure that should be "Super Mario World", but maybe someone knows something I don't?You can blame Larry for that.
Anyway, fixed. -
In Dutch, commas are considered to couple sentences, as does the 'and'. As such, placing a comma followed by 'and' is frowned upon.
Interesting. We might need a rule for bio writers to tell us their nationality/mother language so that, when we give feedback based on American English rules, we can be mindful of those in foreign languages. (Dafydd, are you reading this?)
Now, I know I give a lot of notes, BorgMan, but I can't tell if those you don't use are ones you missed or ones you disagree with. So I'll try to be clearer...
cut the comma after "instinct" for better flow.Like Larry says, the comma isn't necessary. A complete sentence needs a subject and a predicate/verb, which you already have. Here's the same sentence's main ideas conveyed in fewer words:
"Anything that tries to get between her and this instinct" = "Dark Samus's enemies" = subject
"dies"/"die" = predicate/verb
This becomes:
"Dark Samus's enemies die." (Clear enough.)
"Dark Samus's enemies, die." (Unnecessary holdup, plus it sounds like a command.)
So: delete that comma.
Also, I recommend you replace "dies" with "has to face her wrath" or "is in for trouble" or something, because Samus avoids death after each encounter.
- "Phazon-mutated Metroid Prime" --> In a previous note, I meant change this to simply "Metroid Prime" - I'm not trying to rewrite history (I beat Metroid Prime, so I know what happens), I just want you to cut down on the number of times you say "Phazon." It can be a delicate process, so bear with me.
- "Samus’ Phazon Suit" --> Samus's (add an S to make the possessive form complete)
- "climatic" --> "climactic"
- "litteraly" --> "literally"
- Either cut the 2nd instance of "mutagenic" (2nd paragraph) or replace it with something else for the sake of variety ("toxic," "radioactive," whatever).
- "to the point of being able to subjugate" --> "to the point where she can subjugate"
- "Interestingly, this doesn't stop at a single or a few organisms, proven by the fact that the whole Space Pirate species and three bounty hunters are under her control at some point." --> I personally don't think you need this sentence because saying exactly who's under Dark Samus's control "at some point" feels arbitrary and spoiler-ish.
- "She is also able to dissolve herself into" --> If you insist on keeping "herself" in there, then change this chunk to "She is also able to make herself dissolve into"
- "Samusses" --> "Samuses" (cut one S)
- "two separate beings" --> "separate beings" (because you say "two" just 4 words before)
- "Dark Samus makes no allies, and takes orders from no one" --> delete the comma in this clause (this too is a complete thought without a comma getting in the way)
The final paragraph feels unnecessary now because it rehashes ideas brought up earlierI still feel the last paragraph needs to go. Here's why: 1) the sentence starting with "In the end" basically spoils the ending of Metroid Prime 3, and we want to avoid spoilers whenever possible; 2) the focus turns into Samus's story more than Dark Samus's; and 3) you already say earlier that Dark Samus's control over Phazon grows over the series. I know her story doesn't end with Metroid Prime 2, but what you have in the first three paragraphs means you don't need a 4th.
Finally, why so many story detail elaborations in general? Is it because of the "neat improvement" I praised last time? Understand that these bios are meant to be introductions to the mascots, giving readers just enough info about their origins and abilities and such so that they would want to check out the reference links you provide. Don't try to fit too much into your bio.
And if you disagree with any of my points, please elaborate so I can better understand what you're going for (and so I don't assume you skipped over something).
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You're getting better. The way you fleshed out some of the sentences in the 2nd paragraph in particular is a neat improvement. Some more feedback for Dark Samus:
- "find, absorb and spread Phazon. Anything that tries to get between her and this instinct, dies" --> Add a comma after "absorb" and cut the comma after "instinct" for better flow. Also, I know you describe Phazon as a "mutagenic substance" later on, but I think that brief description would better fit at this early point to assist those who never played a Prime game. So you can say "spread the mutagenic substance Phazon" here, then the later sentence can work as simply "this substance" or similar.
- Thanks for moving Dark Samus's origins/powers earlier in the bio. Not trying to go back on my own advice, but now it appears the 1st paragraph can instead be two. The first three sentences seem to benefit from their proximity to each other and their shared poetic vibe, so the next paragraph can start with "Created when..."
- "Phazon enhanced Metroid Prime" --> You can cut "Phazon enhanced" because it's too close to the next mention of Phazon, and the Suit snatching is what counts.
- "Samus Aran’s Phazon Suit" --> No need for Samus's last name here so soon after you say her full name.
- "those infected with Phazon" --> Just so you don't repeat the same word so often in such a short space, try changing "Phazon" to "the toxic material" or something.
- "Lastly, she is able to" --> To me, "Lastly" implies that's the end of her powers. You can leave it more open-ended by saying "She is also able to..."
- "disperse herself into" --> Still feels weird with the word "herself" in there, IMO.
- Like I said, be careful with repetition. You now have "dealings with Samus" after "dealing with Samus Aran." Saying "earlier experiences" or "earlier encounters" to end the sentence is simple and clear enough.
- "seperate" --> separate
- When I gave my note about how to reword "try to dispatch of Samus Aran when it suits her best," I meant your either/or choice was what to do with the word "best" (which you already did, good). I did want you to remove "of" from "dispatch of Samus Aran" as well (sorry if I wasn't clear).
- The final paragraph feels unnecessary now because it rehashes ideas brought up earlier - you already say Dark Samus's strength grows over the Prime series, she can control others, and she has a rivalry with Samus. I think those details are strong enough, and the bio can end on the note that Dark Samus aims to kill the original on her own terms.
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Not a bad start, BorgMan. I like how you focus on Dark Samus's motives and how other characters react to her. First, some major notes:
- I recommend fitting the 3rd paragraph into the 1st. By describing Dark Samus's appearance early, you finish the dichotomy between her and Samus Aran and it better explains why the Space Pirates mistake her for their real antagonist. More importantly, doing so will hopefully force you to keep repeated words/ideas to a minimum, which applies throughout the bio - they dilute the power of the narrative and can be cut or changed for brevity. Take a look:
- "Phazon-based" appears in paragraphs 1 and 3
- "first encounter" and "At first thinking" early in the 2nd paragraph
- "yet again dealing with Samus Aran [...] earlier dealings with the bounty hunter" (same sentence; also, saying "bounty hunter" so soon after "Samus Aran" when you already say "bounty hunter Samus Aran" in the 1st paragraph is a bit much)
- "they were hoping" and "proved idle hope" is a similar case, but it could still work because it's elaborating on the kind of "hope" the Space Pirates had. If you want, you can change "they were hoping" to "they hoped" to stick to the past tense.
- The idea of subjugating others is in paragraphs 2 and 3 - you can introduce Dark Samus's ability to do so before mentioning that's what she does to the Space Pirates instead of vice versa.
- We don't discount sources that give overviews of the games a mascot appears in, but the one with Metroid Prime 2 screenshots is a little too unfocused on Dark Samus. It needs to be clearer/easier to read and interpret. There is the Dark Samus article on the Metroid Wiki which, despite having much of the same info as your first source, includes other material like concept art and Scan Visor readings, if you want to use that instead.
Other nitpicks:
- "The complete opposite to" --> I'd prefer "of" instead of "to" here.
- "despair taken form" --> Just curious - do any of the Prime games actually call Dark Samus that? Given her need to take any Phazon in sight, it seems better to say "greed" or "lust for power" or "chaos" or similar rather than something that, to me at least, conjures up imagery of one sitting dejectedly with their head in both hands.
- “The Dark Hunter”. --> The period belongs inside the "quote marks."
- "yet again dealing with Samus Aran" --> cut "yet"
- "and couldn’t care less" --> Try changing this to "and takes no orders" (and cut the comma right before) while removing the order-taking bit from the next sentence to fully explain that Dark Samus doesn't work for the Space Pirates. This also means you'll have to slightly restructure the next sentence (e.g. don't start with "While").
- "try to dispatch of Samus Aran when it suits her best" --> cut "of" and "best" (or move "best" before "suits her")
- "In Metroid Prime 3 however" --> No need for the word "however" if Dark Samus fails to get rid of Samus more than once in MP2 (seems like a natural leap more than a contradictory analysis).
- "blaster on the right arm" --> "blaster on her right arm"
- "formidable ability is the fact that she is able to disperse herself into" --> "formidable ability is the power to disperse into"
- "making her a very difficult to kill" --> "making her difficult to kill" (you won't lose anything with the absence of "very")
Basically, keep your ideas fresh through succinct, non-repeating language, and play around with the order to see how it affects the flow and delivery.
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Shantae
"Why would anyone want to wear warm clothes?"
== Bio ==
In Sequin Land, Genies have been known to guard human populations from monsters and other dangers. Half-Genie Shantae upholds this sense of loyalty by keeping a vigil over the fishing settlement of Scuttle Town. When the pirate Risky Boots launches a raid on the port and steals a dangerous relic, Shantae sets out after her in an effort to save all of Sequin Land from the pirate's machinations.
Shantae's Arabian design reflects an arsenal of flashy abilities. Whipping her ponytail is her main tactic for dispatching enemies, but she can equip specific gear that enables her to deliver kicks and elbow dashes as well. She may even find and use pirates' weapons like swords and guns. Given her outfit, Shantae has a penchant for belly dancing, and by learning specific dance moves, she can magically teleport to a place she's already visited or shapeshift into an animal. These transformations include a monkey, elephant, mermaid, harpy, and more, each different in terms of mobility, strength, and how they solve puzzles and clear obstacles.
Because she's not a full Genie, Shantae sometimes lacks confidence in her powers. She relies on her friends from Scuttle Town the most for support and guidance as she races Risky Boots for magical artifacts critical to halting her plans. No matter the trials, Shantae takes as much as she can in stride as she learns what it means to be a half-Genie and a protectress.
== References ==
Shantae instruction manual
TV Tropes - "Video Game: Shantae"
Fist Full of Potions - "Interview: Matt Bozon of WayForward by Jason"
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1) Adol Christin
2) Banjo & Kazooie
3) Master Higgins
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NEW BIOS NEEDED!
Liontamer has graciously added placeholder pages for 10 new mascots (whose images will replace Mega Man X soonish). They are:
Shantae <-- (I'm claiming this one, thank you)
As always, bios are claimed on a first come, first served basis. If you choose to write one, keep track of your sources (and post them along with whatever you've got so we can cross-check your work), introduce the mascot in your own words, and be mindful not to repeat much of what's in a related mascot's bio (it's gotta stand on its own). For more info, see the writing guidelines.
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It feels like the wailing guitar can almost single-handedly carry the energy of this mix with every high, pitch-bent note it hits, notably when it plays the second half of the source (e.g. 0:36-0:47) and at 0:48 (my favorite parts). The layered/backup guitars certainly help give it the necessary footing to shine. When 1:23 hits, I imagine the Guardian is taking no prisoners as she scrambles across Area 0.
It is a little weird finding this reuploaded after Lockdown - it would've fit right at home on one of the first audio CDs I burned after I discovered OCR. What matters though is that I've heard the main area of the game get mixed (and well). And it Rox.
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Don't know if this is "working as intended" or not, but certain mascots under a specific category do not have clickable mascot images on the category page, nor do they have any labels on the page to let the uninformed know the identity of the characters without hunting through the entire OCR mascot list.
Mascot images in articles aren't clickable; only the randomized corner image is. From left to right, the Darkstalker pics match the names listed in the summary below (Jon Talbain first, Jedah Dohma last), as you can see via the image labels (http://ocremix.org/images/template/ocr_mascot_103.png) and page links (http://ocremix.org/info/OCR_Mascot_103).
Are there even any other mascot categories? I hunted through a bunch of mascots and couldn't find any others in any categories other than "Mascots."No, no other mascot categories besides Darkstalkers. We allowed one for them partly because they contain long bonus articles in addition to the regular ones.
It's kind of silly that the Squaresoft/SquareEnix mascots still have "pictured from" entries.Yeah, I know. Dafydd and I hope to work out something so we can put unofficial character art onto their pages.
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The Square Enix mascots had to be removed due to copyright issues. djp talked about it here.
We're taking steps to rectify this. New mascot images will replace the X-based redirects as they come in (we'll need at least 17 to do so), but we won't get a new batch until this coming winter at the earliest. Meanwhile, Dafydd and I have been in talks about how to liven up the picture-less bio pages with fan art, and once we're set on the rules for doing so, we'll post a thread to let people know all about it.
Stay tuned (and patient) for more.
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we'd be happy to do it ourselves. You in, Polo?
Sure. Shall we work out the details in this thread or via PM?
In the meantime, perhaps it's time for a fall (or winter, given how much free time we have) class of new mascots.I vote for winter, based on my current schedule and the fact that our focus is shifting from writing bios to gathering Squenix images.
well we do have a shiny new art board. perhaps if you go the fanart route, that would be useful to find more local artists who'd be willing to help out.Not a bad idea.
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In the world of Arcadia, all of the continents are floating islands. Six colored moons orbit the planet, and lunar asteroids fall from them regularly. These "Moon Stones" power nearly everything people use on a daily basis, from machinery to magic. Using Moon Stone-powered ships, people sail through the skies to trade, fish, and make a living.
In this world lives Vyse, a teenager with a heart full of curiosity and a firm resolve. His family and closest friends are all members of the Blue Rogues, a faction of air pirates who steal from the rich and then use what they've stolen to protect the innocent and help the needy. Vyse, serving alongside his father in his band of pirates, is formidable in combat thanks to his skills with twin cutlasses. Equally skilled at fighting is Aika, a feisty redhead and his best friend from childhood, with whom he often teams up to take down large groups of opponents without fear. The primary targets of Vyse and his fellow Blue Rogues are the forces of the Valuan Empire, who come from the more advanced civilization under the Yellow Moon, and whose empress is obsessed with controlling all that she sees. The Blue Rogues also battle with the Black Pirates, a rival marauder faction that doesn't hesitate to kill and steal from everyone they come across.
Despite the daily excitement and danger of being a sky pirate, Vyse has always desired to fly "beyond the sunset" and encounter things people have only imagined. As if by fate, he gets his wishes granted when he and Aika meet Fina, a mysterious girl from an unknown land. Fina has a secret mission that puts her in direct conflict with the Valuan Empire and their ambition. In their attempts to keep their new friend safe from harm, Vyse and Aika realize this mission will take them on a trip around Arcadia, to lands no one has seen in millennia. Unable to resist the call of heroism and discovery, the two young pirates join their new ally in her quest and set sail for the adventure of a lifetime.
Does this look ready yet? Cuz I think so.
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I think it helps to keep the clause order because it would shift seamlessly from Vyse's wishes --> meeting Fina --> Fina's backstory (no back-and-forth needed). So maybe:
"As if by fate, he gets his wishes granted..."
or
"One day, he gets his wishes granted..."
and once we're done, I'd quite like to see if we can't do something about the Squenix mascots before we extend the roster any further, though it's not my callYeah, I feel the same way.
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Ammy = Wiki'ed = hooray (If you're reading this, Nonamer, thanks for giving the white wolf a try.)
It's obvious that it's not her red markings that appear as a white wolf, but Amaterasu herself. But you couldn't say "Appearing as an ordinary person to ordinary people, David's cybernetic bellybutton boombox lead a peaceful existence hidden under a plain white t-shirt", or "Late for work that morning, David's bike wasn't going to take its owner to the office fast enough."As with Amaterasu, those examples wouldn't work as standalone sentences; they'd need clear enough context first.
Vyse:
I say keep the quotes around "beyond the sunset." It's a cool nod to in-game dialogue and it personalizes that part of the bio.
I'm not completely happy with "He and Aika thus get their wishes granted when they meet Fina"How about: "He thus gets his wishes granted when he and Aika meet Fina" - this way we don't lump Aika's (possibly different) desires into it while keeping the meeting factual. (If "thus gets his wishes granted" sounds odd, feel free to provide an alternative.)
Everything else looks awesome.
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When a fearsome demon returns to shroud the land of Nippon in darkness once more
That actually works pretty well. The cyclical "evil returns" backstory is implicit but not incomplete. We can go with that.
I'd like to say "When a fearsome demon returns to shroud once more the land of Nippon in darkness", but I'm not sure that's even valid English these days.Grammatical, yes, but the clincher is "these days."
So once more:
When a fearsome demon returns to shroud the land of Nippon in darkness once more, the tree spirit Sakuya, in desperation, summons the great Sun Goddess Ōkami Amaterasu to return light and peace to the world. Appearing as a white wolf to ordinary people, Amaterasu's red markings appear only to those who have strong faith in the gods. She is accompanied by a wandering artist named Issun, an excitable little bug that acts as a source of exposition for the silent goddess (whom he calls "Ammy").Amaterasu manipulates the world around her using a tool called the Celestial Brush. With the tip of her tail, she paints shapes and strokes that become real objects to help solve puzzles and advance. She also carries on her back one of several Divine Instruments, weapons that act as her primary means of attacking.
Throughout her adventures, Amaterasu meets other Celestial Brush gods like herself and learns unique abilities from them. As word of her benevolent deeds spreads, more people offer praise to her, which enhances her divine powers. Backed by faith, companions, and her own steadfast determination, Amaterasu sets out to save Nippon from evil.
Are we satisfied now?
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I prefer the first because it provides better pacing. Compare:
All is peaceful in the country of Nippon until Orochi, a fearsome demon defeated many years ago, returns to shroud the land in darkness once more. In desperation, the tree spirit Sakuya summons the great Sun Goddess Ōkami Amaterasu to return light and peace to the world.If we go with the one closer to the original wording, the first sentence becomes LONG:
When the land of Nippon is once again shrouded in darkness brought upon by the return of the fearsome demon Orochi, the tree spirit Sakuya, in desperation, summons the great Sun Goddess Ōkami Amaterasu to return light and peace to the world.Now we have three names and three objectives with little breathing room. Are you able to read that in one sitting?
OCR Mascot Bios - 20 more up for grabs!
in Projects
Posted · Edited by Polo
I'm also okay with the text reading "the very seasons themselves."
How about this tweak?:
"In contrast, Kazooie is a loudmouth who likes to insult whoever she meets and brag about her accomplishments. Despite her abrasive nature, she sees Banjo as her adoptee and has taken up residence in his backpack."
For the uninitiated, "a" works better here than "the" (which is like saying "the witch of the story" like it's expected).
Uh... not quite sure I follow. :/
"punching and performing a rolling attack"?
Duo, pair, protagonists, bear and bird, adventurers... yeah, there's lots of choices. Any preferences?
Well, he does say "including (these attacks)" - it's not like he's going over every single move possible (we don't want that anyway), but it can be added via "firing eggs from her beak or out her rear" (or similar) if he wants.
Escorting? Transporting?
I suggested that because I thought spajjder was referring to the back-carrying Talon Trot, not flying, as "both faster and more versatile than the other way around."
Yeah, it's better to cut the word "lost" from "their quest to find Banjo's lost sister" (since we know she's in Grunty's hands).
Maybe "The clock is ticking"? (There's no real time limit, but the game does record how long you play, and this can subtly reference Click Clock Wood.) Or how about "The witch awaits"? "The adventure is at hand"? Feel free to come up with other appetizers.
Heh, I guess I'm in the minority regarding Captain Blubber then. Ah well. But better to go with popular opinion rather than disputable points, or at least not use words like "perhaps most famously" unless it's clear the bio runs on in-jokes or tongue-in-cheek humor.
I think that's how she transfers Phazon (keep it in her Phazon body and release it elsewhere). It's not like she carries it around in a backpack or suitcase.
"As she was almost literally born out of Phazon, she can absorb, use and control this substance to her own advantage, at one point even able to subjugate those infected with Phazon." (+added the word "even") How's that?
I don't find anything in her history that says she learns how to transform into a cloud. By negating the sentence starting "In Metroid Prime 3..." we save ourselves the trouble of what to do after Dark Samus learns how to control Phazon's home planet. We just know her overt abilities without tracking her growing strength in minute detail.