Polo
-
Posts
773 -
Joined
-
Last visited
-
Days Won
2
Content Type
Articles
Profiles
Forums
Events
Posts posted by Polo
-
-
Sorry, what I mean is, while Orochi does return to once again shroud the land in darkness, it's not obvious from that sentence that that's what he was doing before he was defeated, but it should be, because that's was he was doing, so the sentence needs to be fixed.
Establish his past deeds more clearly? Okay, how 'bout something like: "All is peaceful in the country of Nippon after the sealing of Orochi, a fearsome demon that shrouded the land in darkness. When he returns a century later, the tree spirit Sakuya, in desperation, summons..."
Try! I'm curious.All right, lemme see...
In Ocarina of Time, for instance, I would say Navi is the one THAT accompanies Link. Her importance is pretty simple in that she offers exposition and clues to the main character, but otherwise keeps a low profile. If it were Saria instead, I would say either THAT or WHO - the former indicating she's secondary/a partner, and the latter hinting at her equality in relation to Link (they're both Hylians and childhood friends, not a loud bug tagging along with a pointy-eared "human"). To me, it appears that Issun acts in a similar manner to Amaterasu. He has a use in the game, but he's not front and center and multidimensional at the same time. Then again, pretty much any character, major or minor, could be referred to using THAT or WHO (if it's not a stretch to say they're "alive" in some way).
I think in the end I just automatically go with "that" unless the individual in question has a key, humanlike importance that can't be outright ignored, and using THAT in place of WHO would diminish said importance negatively. (Is any of this making sense?)
Replace one of those "using"s with "with" and I'm good."With the tip of her tail," then.
Which is it, "the" or "a" divine instrument?Nonamer put "the" initially, but there's more than one, so "a" makes more sense (unless you want it to read "one of several Divine Instruments" or something).
-
I don't think it's obvious here that's what the demon did before it was defeated.
"Returns" and "(to) shroud the land in darkness" don't have to be read as an inseparable idea. It's like if I left OCR and then "returned to make music," you wouldn't automatically think I made music beforehand (good stuff posted to OCR anyway), just that it would be the latest item on my agenda after my absence. Would it help to say Orochi "returns with the intent to shroud the land in darkness"?
I'd replace "her" with "Ameratasu's" here, as it's an uncommon name (to my ears, anyway) and can afford to be repeated once more, especially since it's not immediately obvious we're not talking about Sakuya.I can jive with that. But only if it's spelled "Amaterasu's"
Would it be wrong to say "an excitable bug who"? Issun may be a bug, but he/she's also a person... right?"Who" works, technically. I'm more used to using "that" in cases like this, but it's hard to explain, so we'll go with your preference.
She carries the brush... but it's her tail. How does that work?Good catch. Possible rewording: "Amaterasu manipulates the world around her using a tool called the Celestial Brush. Using the tip of her tail, she paints..."
... which I think could be elaborated on with a few words. I thought it was a magical harp or something until I read the sources.Divine Instruments are basically weapons (kinda vague, but oh well), so maybe: "She also carries on her back a Divine Instrument, a weapon that acts as her primary means of attacking..."
Can we say "primary means" rather than "primary mode"?Sure.
-
[1] Added a caution about physical contact that should tie the entire section about the dangers of Pikachu handling.
[2] Changed "from enemies and natural disasters" to "from harm" as it seemed kind of extraneous. Does it matter what they are protecting them from, so long as they protect?
Cool, these are helpful adjustments.
Thanks for your effort, Damned. Pikachu is now uploaded.
-
"opponents before hitting them?"
I'd prefer "outmaneuvering their opponents and hitting them" to avoid the idea that outmaneuvering is a prerequisite before a Pikachu can strike.
the powerful Surf attack, a tidal waveI need my daily fix of semicolons. Is this a good place for one?
No. The following words are a sentence fragment that can't hold up on its own. The comma precedes the descriptive part, like when I described the Fire Emblem in Marth's bio (which you were okay with).
Were it a real animal though, it would sound weird to say they appear, right? Honest question.I don't think so, personally. "Feral dogs appear in cities" sounds correct to me.
"or simply replenish"?That works, although with a little tweaking: "Whether they increase their power or simply replenish their energy this way is unknown." (I moved "this way" to later in the sentence.)
This whole paragraph has a lot of very short sentences. [...] What's there is good, it just needs more flow.How about...
"Trainers [...] are advised to exercise caution. The red spots on Pikachu's cheeks are actually pouches which store vast amounts of electrical energy, and careless contact can result in a powerful shock. They are also known to quickly turn around and bite whoever tries to grab their tail. However, with enough love and attention, Pikachu [...] may even sit upon their shoulders or head. Pikachu are deeply affectionate and make lifelong friends with those they trust, defending fellow Pokémon and humans against enemies and natural disasters."
-
You're very nearly there, just a couple things to fix now:
- devestating --> devastating
- "Lastly, one should never grab a Pikachu by its tail. They will quickly turn around and bite you." --> Dafydd provided this alternative: "Lastly, Pikachu are known to quickly turn around and bite whoever tries to grab their tail." This would keep the tone objective without suddenly addressing the reader with "you." (If you have another way you'd like to phrase the tail-grabbing no-no, you're welcome to suggest it.)
Everything else looks smooth.
-
Okie dokie lokie. Both bios uploaded with the necessary fixes intact.
-
Any particular reason why "who" wouldn't work instead of "and he"? Either works fine. I think I would've used "who", and I'm not sure why.
You are right that both are grammatically correct. However, I chose "and he" as a way of treating Marth's status as prince of Altea as a separate fact before going into the meat of his story. Going with "who" might turn the sentence into being about the only person in Altea who had bad luck when invaders came (he wasn't the only one, obviously). He may be a visible target of political strife and what have you, but it feels unnatural to box him in as, in truncated terms, "the prince who suffered that one time." I feel that my current wording gives him some leeway.
Jokes aside though, I actually misunderstood that sentence on the first read.Does this mean you want a fix to that fragment about the weapon Marth wields? Do you mean the entire sentence (including mention of the Fire Emblem)? Or is it clear enough?
It looks weird to put the thing that's being called something in quotes and the thing it's being called in not-quotes. On the other hand, it would look even worse with quotes around both. I'm not sure what to do about this one, if anything.You know how quotes give an extra, deceptive meaning to a word or phrase within them, right? At any rate, the word armor can function fine without them, no problem.
oobalabooba about FalchionTo keep it simple, I can replace "Falchion" in the last paragraph with "blade"
-
Marth
"I am a prince before I am a son or brother."
Bio
Marth debuted as the primary protagonist in the medieval fantasy series Fire Emblem. In the first game, he is the sixteen-year-old prince of the island kingdom Altea, and he suffers a string of misfortunes when an opposing army suddenly attacks. Guided by the dragon Medeus, the invaders slay the boy's father, kidnap his sister, and effectively force him into exile. Disadvantaged but not bereft, Marth proceeds to amass his own army of followers in order to turn the tide of war and recover his land and his sister.
As a prince, Marth strives to uphold a sense of duty and nobility even in the face of danger. He battles opponents equipped with his trusty Falchion, and in his travels he receives the eponymous Fire Emblem, a shield with mystical properties that go beyond basic protection. More vital to Marth than a sword and a shield, however, is a certain "armor" called trust. More than once, the sting of betrayal teaches the young prince an important lesson about loyalty and alliances, and so those willing to fight alongside him and lay down their lives for his sake (some of them childhood friends) are among his most valued allies. In turn, his devotion to his subjects is so strong that the game is lost if he falls in battle.
Marth fleshed out his sword-swinging abilities in Super Smash Bros. Melee, his international debut. Slashes dominate his moveset, and they come in long-reaching and continuous flavors. The tip of his Falchion deals more damage than the hilt, emphasizing Marth's preference to attack from a distance. He can also use a move aptly named Counter, in which he assumes a stance that lures his opponents in to strike before he retaliates on the spot. Much like in his native series, Marth maintains a focused mindset and will stop at nothing to emerge victorious.
References
-
Don't worry, I'm not dead. I just had to deal with some ugly setbacks this past month. I'll try and get Marth done by this weekend.
About the other in-progress bios...
Pikachu:
- "They can use the paralyzing Thunder Wave to stun an opponent" --> If an attack is "paralyzing," then of course it'll "stun" an opponent. Maybe "devastating" would work better?
- "a powerful Volt Tackle" --> This "powerful" comes soon after a previous mention - perhaps "swift" could take its place.
- "Rarely, a Pikachu may know the powerful Surf attack" --> "Rarely, a Pikachu may know the attack known as Surf" (also to drop the number of "powerful" iterations)
- "known to appear in cities or power-generating plants" --> AND, not or, would include all possible areas Pikachu can appear in.
- As we mentioned before, the paragraph about berries should most likely be left out.
- "Trainers (people that capture and raise Pokémon for battling) who wish to use a Pikachu" --> Swap the bolded terms.
Crash Bandicoot:
- "video-game" --> "video game" (no hyphen needed)
- 'power crystals'. --> 'power crystals.' (move the period inside the single quotation mark)
- " - which solidified his namesake due to his 'crashing' into boxes this way - " --> Replace the hyphens - with actual dashes — for visibility.
Vyse:
- Last time, I said this:
- It seems like saying his heart is "full of curiosity," while true, is almost a direct contradiction to the "pirate life" sentences that follow (his eyes are wide at the wonders of the world while cutting people down with cutlasses). Maybe if you added another adjectival noun or two, they could act as a buffer to ease the transition to his daily actions, like: "a heart full of curiosity, eagerness, and resolution." Or maybe "a heart full of curiosity and a firm resolve." Something like that.Arrow said he liked the "firm resolve" bit, which would change the 2nd paragraph's 1st sentence to "...a teenager with a heart full of curiosity and a firm resolve."
- Concerning your issue with the sentence talking about Aika, I'm okay with the wording as: "Equally skilled at fighting is Aika, a feisty redhead and his best friend from childhood, with whom he often teams up to take down large groups of opponents without fear."
- I also said:
- I think the 2nd and 3rd paragraphs can be combined, since it's a small step from describing Vyse and Aika's fighting prowess to revealing who they use it against, but "The primary targets of Vyse and his fellow Blue Rogues" should probably be reworded to fit within the paragraph rather than feel like a separate starter. Perhaps: "Their primary targets include..."Personally, I think the sentences covering Vyse's true wishes and meeting Fina and all should be kept in a separate paragraph, since going over their enemies immediately before almost implies "eh, Vyse and Aika kick their asses for breakfast, what else is there to do but go toward the horizon?" The last paragraph could begin via segue, like: "Despite the daily excitement and danger of being a sky pirate, Vyse has always desired..."
To throw for a loop has a negative sound to it, in all the definitions I've found, and it should be something positive. "are thus very excited" gets the message across, but sounds stupid.Any of these work? "He and Aika thus..."
"find their lives turned upside-down"
"receive a rare opportunity"
"become surprised and intrigued"
"get their wishes granted"
"in their attempts to keep their new friend safe from harm, Vyse and Aika realize this mission will take them" places as if they had already joined the mission. So maybe "this mission would take them" rather than "will".I think "will" works even if they were to ultimately decline. Saying "would" implies they're really detached from the possibility of it happening to them, and they're already involved insofar as they're keeping Fina safe. They're altruistic adventurers, after all.
in the last sentence it sounds as if Fina is as excited and motivated by the same feelings as the other two, which I don't know to be true.How about: "...the two young pirates join their latest ally on the adventure of a lifetime."
Amaterasu: I agree that the bio's kinda threadbare, so in places where it could be fleshed out a bit, I added some more stuff in bold...
All is peaceful in the country of Nippon until Orochi, a fearsome demon once defeated many years ago, returns to shroud the land in darkness. The tree spirit Sakuya, in desperation, summons the great Sun Goddess Ōkami Amaterasu to return light and peace to the world. Appearing as a white wolf to ordinary people, her red markings appear only to those who have strong faith in the gods. She is accompanied by a wandering artist named Issun, an excitable bug that acts as a source of exposition for the silent goddess (whom he calls "Ammy").Amaterasu carries the Celestial Brush, which she uses to manipulate the world around her. Using her tail as the brush, she paints shapes and strokes that become real objects to help solve puzzles and advance. She also carries on her back the Divine Instrument, which is her primary mode of attacking demons and other enemies.
Throughout her adventures, Amaterasu meets other Celestial Brush gods like herself and learns unique abilities from them. As word of her benevolent deeds spreads, more people offer praise to her, which enhances her divine powers. Backed by faith, companions, and her own steadfast determination, Amaterasu sets out to save Nippon from evil.
This should fix most of our issues, I think.
-
"Moment" works, sure. I uploaded Bayonetta's bio with that adjustment intact.
And since no one else wants to, I'll write Marth's bio.
-
Bayonetta
"I've got a fever, and the only cure is more dead angels!"
Article by: Polo
Pictured from: Bayonetta
Created by: Platinum Games
First appearance: 2009
Bio
Bayonetta is an Umbra Witch, a commander of dark powers thanks to the pact she and her kind have made with demons from Inferno (hell). When battling the relentless swarms of angels from Paradiso (heaven) and other deadly opponents, the lady in black displays the full scope of her strength, agility, and combat tactics with an almost sexual lust.
Not content to wield just two guns, Bayonetta has extra firearms attached to her heels, which allows her to shoot in any direction no matter her position. Up close, the witch cuts down her enemies using various melee weapons, from swords to claws to whips, plus anything her fallen antagonists may leave behind. Sometimes, when dodging an attack at the last instant, Bayonetta can activate Witch Time, a brief period that slows everything around her to a near halt and gives her a chance to deliver swift counterattacks. In a nod to actual witch lore, Bayonetta's hair is the source of her power, and it whips out around her whenever she casts a spell to summon Inferno demons, giant fists, or boots to finish off her enemies. Simply put, this Umbra Witch is a one-woman army.
Beyond the hell she raises, Bayonetta seeks answers to her past. Having awoken from a coffin after a 500-year-long slumber, the witch finds her memories have become hazy, the reasons for being sealed away forgotten. Recurrent flashbacks haunt her as she advances across Europe, and friends, rivals, and individuals more mysterious than herself play a hand in testing and sharpening her memories and skills. A lot can happen in five centuries, and with no telling what occurred during her absence, Bayonetta progresses while keeping her wits about her and her battle capabilities at the ready.
Selected game appearances
=== PlayStation 3 ===
Bayonetta (2009)
Anarchy Reigns (2012)
=== Wii U ===
Bayonetta 2 (2014)
References
Bayonetta Wiki - "Bayonetta (character)"
Platinum Games - "Designing Bayonetta by Mari Shimazaki"
Bayonetta: The Perfect Witch Guide
Bayonetta instruction manual
-
So: "The subject, Proto Man, was Light's first creation, but fled the lab for personal reasons despite not being fully completed." Sure, we'll go with that.
AND PROTO MAN IS NOW OFFICIALLY UPLOADED!
Thanks for not giving up on the Blues Bomber, Mirby. Now go kick back, relax, and whistle a sad theme song while your face appears in the sky.
And nice work to you too, Larry. I made a handful of adjustments to Arthur's (uploaded) bio to make it look nicer and better formatted.
We also need the thread title changed again, since Skull Kid and Proto Man are done.
-
Smooth revisions on Arthur. Looks ready for uploading, IMO.
OK, she's now a UPS package. Changed "return" to "deliver" a la "deliver us from evil".Ha ha ha. "Deliver (from evil)" actually does work better. Hadn't thought of that.
I mentioned "saving the day" later, so I'll prevent the chance of using the verb twice.Good call.
Arthur doesn't bitch. Added a sentence at the end to allude to that (can tweak if needed).True, true. I too like that second-to-last sentence. It's sudden the same way the "play through the game again" message is (and Arthur's like, "seems legit").
I would also like to say that I think Proto Man (yes, PROTO MAN) is also completed and ready for the OCRWiki.
-
why the change to "subject" and losing "over a misunderstanding"?
On the first point, it's for variety, i.e. to avoid saying "robot" twice so close together (as you've found). On the second point, something feels missing with just "Proto Man fled the lab over a misunderstanding." It's like, who gave him the misunderstanding and why is it important? If we explain it, we run the risk of making this too similar to the first source again. "Personal reasons" gives readers something to ponder without confusing them, I think.
More for Prot. Ma.:
- "when Wily kidnapped a young girl" --> Just so Wily's name doesn't appear three times close together, change this name drop to "the mad doctor" or something.
- "He feels conflicted in regards to the ongoing war between Dr. Light and Dr. Wily; one is to thank for giving him life and the other is responsible for saving it, yet the two are constantly at odds with each other." --> We decided this passage should go 1) because it bears strong similarities to the source's wording and 2) it's redundant to bring up the fact that Light and Wily both had a hand in Proto Man's creation when it's mentioned in the first paragraph. (His conflicted feelings are interesting, but they can't stand on their own without the dynamic between the doctors.)
Some notes for Mr. Psycho Underpants:
- "Along with the standard javelin" --> You already say "trusty javelin" earlier, so "standard" feels a little unnecessary (although it is true Arthur starts with it in every game).
- "can also can" --> As you can see, there's two cans here, but I recommend cutting "also" as well to avoid the impression that the javelin is another item picked up.
- "When wearing a higher class of plate however" --> Another comma after "plate" would make this clause better paced/sectioned.
- "absorb more hits" --> Does Arthur really withstand/defend against/take (more) hits with the aid of armor/a shield? "Absorb" makes me think of "taking outside influences into oneself to grow stronger" more than "protection."
- "with the aid of a shield" --> This seems to imply the shield has to come with every armor type to offer mandatory protection. I'm thinking "which a shield also helps with" or "a shield also helps with this" would be a more workable phrasing.
- "as well as channel magic into his weaponry, making his attacks even more potent" --> Due to the way this part of the sentence is divided/arranged, the "attack potency" ending seems to suggest Arthur's strong attacks are bound up in taking more hits. Try (starting with a comma): ", and he can channel magic into his weaponry to make his attacks even more potent."
- "gain the keys to the gates" --> Do you mean the gates at the ends of levels? Right now it sounds like the gates are belatedly important without being delineated as boss-triggered unlockables to new areas.
- "return the princess from the clutches of evil" --> It may be a tad cliché, but "save" the princess feels like a better verb choice. "Return" almost sounds like she's a misplaced UPS package or a chess piece gone astray.
Other than that, awesome work. I like how the bio gives no hint of the insane difficulty of the series.
-
Again: it was before completion that Proto Man fled the lab, so the second sentence needs rewriting anyway.
Oh, okay. Okay. Let's see then...
"Before Dr. Thomas Light built Mega Man, he was working on a prototype robot. This subject, Proto Man, fled the lab for personal reasons despite not being completed yet."
Would this also solve the issue with the word "different"?
I'd prefer if you don't post it in the thread until we're done with the ones already in progress, unless I say otherwise.Sure, no problem. We'll stick to tackling the queued bios one at a time.
-
I would like to replace "which allowed" with "allowing" in the next clause, however.
That's fine.
So, arguably, Proto Man was never completed, at least not by Dr. Light. So saying that Dr. Light "was working" on him doesn't sound wrong, at least not to my ears. But I still take issue with this first sentence - it feels so bait-and-switchy, leaving the reader hanging, but not hooked. Maybe something like "Sometime before Dr. Thomas Light created Mega Man, he was working on a different robot: Proto Man." would do the trick. "Nearing completion" instead of "working" might also work.I'm not sure I understand - the next sentence specifically says "This robot, Proto Man..." and "it wasn't long after completion..." which doesn't clearly justify adding Proto Man's name or "nearing completion" in the first sentence. True, Mega Man's mentioned by name once, but it feels more like a cameo to those who heard that name before - the reader's attention is drawn to this "other" that Dr. Light was responsible for, and the bio details that prototype's backstory. If you'll recall, Zero's bio starts similarly by mentioning X once and then going into detail about Zero. Do you think the name "Mega Man" draws attention away from Proto Man or something?
"A different" still doesn't sound right. How do you feel about "an other"?One of my previous notes on the (nuked) first draft:
I know it's clear that Mega Man isn't the only robot Dr. Light constructed, but "another" should probably be changed to "a different" or "a prototype" or something, if only because saying "another" as a starting/primary unit sounds weird.How does "different" not sound right?
keep the quotation marks, but do away with "of sorts".Sure, we can do that.
PAST TENSE:"After that, Proto Man took a neutral approach to the conflicts [...], only interfering when he felt it was absolutely necessary." ("interfering" can stay in the present -ing tense to give us a glimpse of Proto Man's general mode of action during that time frame that we look back on)
I still vote on the first of the past tense ones.
Yeah, Mirby added that one herself, and it gets my vote too.
Also, compare the following...Ah, missed that. Sure, we can adjust it...
Proto Man's allegiance can probably be omitted. We already know that one doctor gave him life and the other saved his life (it's in the first paragraph), so reiterating it would be redundant. Saying he's conflicted is a cool bit of characterization, but it feels lost without the Light/Wily explanation. Knowing that Proto Man is a loner in the next sentence can leave his feelings and allegiance up in the air (it would shroud his thoughts in mystery, in a sense), further adding to his "aura of coolness." So the conflicted tidbit can also go.
His solitude can be merged with the last sentence, like: "Proto Man seldom keeps in contact with those concerned about him, but he always looks out for Mega Man; after all, isn't that his duty as the older brother?" Maybe something can be added back in to make it more profound rather than a basic fact like, "yeah, he cares for Mega Man. Whatever."
Finally, why is Break Man being Proto Man's alter ego (or the fact he was built by Dr. Light, or that Dr. Cossack was being blackmailed by Dr. Wily in Mega Man 4) not a spoiler? Are we assuming everyone already knows this?"The statute of limitations on spoilers has expired," as they say. We already know Samus is a girl and Aeris... yeah.
Also, my summer courses just finished, so if it's okay with you, I can write another bio (Bayonetta). I know you put up the ban on claims for a reason, but we haven't heard from most writers of the other in-progress articles between our edits/reviews of Skull Kid and Proto Man. I want to move things forward as much as you do.
EDIT: Also, Happy Birthday Mascot Bio Thread! You're already 8 years old (!) - that's insane.
-
Sometime before Dr. Thomas Light created Mega Man, there was a different robot he worked on.
- "He was working on a different robot"?
This puts us in the moment/time span during which Proto Man was coming to fruition, but it also suggests we left Dr. Light in the midst of this and then forgot him, or that completing Proto Man would've taken ages. Would you rather the wording be "he worked on a different robot"? It would bring the clause into the active voice.
- I think we need to put back some of the explanation as to why he fled the lab, although not as specific as it was before. "Reasons he flet were right" sounds bad.Saying it stemmed from a misunderstanding seems reasonable to me, although I would suggest the word "slight" be cut so it leaves readers' imaginations open without hindering them with "slight? what is he, a spoiled/bratty teenager?"
- "Was the first creation of Light" would be better as "was Light's first creation".I agree.
I think "in a state of disrepair and [fixed him up], upgrading his combat systems in the process" or similar would work better.Actually, that does work better than before, because starting the next sentence with "As a result of this" implies that the act itself rather than Wily was responsible for Proto Man's new weaponry (like it just "happened" and wasn't a hands-on fixation). Better to tie it closer together. (I see what you did there with "got equipped with," Mirby, but that's from Mega Man 2, not 3.
)- "saved the girl" needs replacingSorry, but I have to side with Mirby that the wording is clear enough. A girl is kidnapped, and Proto Man saves her.
There's also no need for the quotes around "little brother".Well, I did suggest quotation marks only because it's not explicitly established earlier that Mega Man and Proto Man are brothers. Leaving out the quotes may even suggest a biological rather than robotic bond. If you want it to be clear, Mega Man's name can be added in that sentence, but then we'd have to worry about reducing the number of "Mega Man" iterations so close together. (Maybe "Mega Man 4" could be replaced with "the next game/fourth game/fourth installment"?)
After that, Proto Man took a neutral approach to the conflicts started by the bat-haired maniac, only interfering when he feels it is absolutely necessary.- "feels" should be "felt". Pretty sure this was mentioned before.
Okay, let's try some experimentation...
PRESENT TENSE:
"After that, Proto Man took a neutral approach to the conflicts [...]; currently, he only interferes when he feels it is absolutely necessary." (The semicolon keeps both tenses in their respective clauses)
"After that, Proto Man took a neutral approach to the conflicts [...], and as a result, he only interferes when he feels it is absolutely necessary." (We're given a hint that we've moved beyond the past conflicts and now focus on the new ones)
PAST TENSE:
"After that, Proto Man took a neutral approach to the conflicts [...], only interfering when he felt it was absolutely necessary." ("interfering" can stay in the present -ing tense to give us a glimpse of Proto Man's general mode of action during that time frame that we look back on)
"After that, Proto Man took a neutral approach to the conflicts [...], and he only interfered when he felt it was absolutely necessary." (Consistent tense throughout, like a historical retelling)
It looks like the second paragraph is solid enough to be left alone, so we can focus our attention on the first.
-
I just assumed this wasn't available online, since in the original post, it wasn't a link, just plain text. Are there any legal issues involved in linking it?
Probably, since we can't directly link to scans of instruction manuals.
the words "Hyrule Historia" don't actually occur in that label. Should it be "Hyrule Historia: Era of the Hero of Time - Ocarina of Time - The Forbidden Forest"?Yeah, I left out "Hyrule Historia" because I figured it was a given. The full label would look like:
Hyrule Historia - "Era of the Hero of Time - Ocarina of Time - The Forbidden Forest"
I guess if we go with this, the page number won't matter, since there'd be no mistaking of this full label/section for any other part of the guide.
-
Oh dear, looks like we have another bout of writer-editor dissent.
Yes, we have manually edited others' bios to suit our standards, most of the time because the original writers were no longer checking this thread and contacting them was ineffective. And while we don't try to rewrite them entirely, we do strive to make them clear, objective, and flowing - in short, easy to read. Mirby, you've gone through hell crafting four bios for us, so I'm sure you have an idea by now what parts/habits of your writing clash with what we expect. If you're in no mood to retool the parts that Dafydd has trouble with, we will make the necessary fixes ourselves and upload the bio when we're satisfied. (And if you feel something like this is likely to happen again, perhaps it would be in your best interest to refrain from writing any more bios.)
I think I got the rest down, but that one... Do we have a precedent? I left it asHyrule Historia - Pg. 84
because I didn't know what to do with it.
Some other bios reference article names in magazines and player's guides, which I think is fine. Darklink42 used only one page, and to credit the section it's in would require the full label "Era of the Hero of Time - Ocarina of Time - The Forbidden Forest" (I think). Is that too much? Do you suppose maybe writing out "Pg." as "Page" would be more fitting?
Also, I added another source Darklink42 used (the race of Skull Kids on Zeldapedia).
-
Proto Man's bio looks fairly workable to me. You have any nitpicks you want to get out of your system, my fellow editor?
Also, Polo, it's been forever since I uploaded anything to the wiki, and I could use the practice, so don't do it for me, but, where does the bolded version of Skull Kid go? It seems a little late in the above quote. And when do we italicize, exactly?Since the bio covers the population of Skull Kids as well, I think the bolding should appear in the first sentence: "Introduced in The Legend of Zelda: Ocarina of Time, Skull Kids are impish creatures..." Remember to italicize game titles (like I just did with Ocarina) and Hyrule Historia (the name of the official Zelda timeline/encyclopedia and one of the sources used).
Also, be sure to replace all 5 curly quotation marks in the bio with straight quotations (hit CTRL+H to change ’ --> ') and link to Deku Link's bio when that name shows up. Handle with care.
-
S'more suggestions for Blues:
- "Despite the initial confrontations" --> I think "the" should be "these" to make it clear that this refers to the Break Man vs. Mega Man scuffles (otherwise the next words almost suggest the confrontations were between Proto Man and Wily).
- "bathaired maniac" --> Ha ha ha, I love this phrase. Just be sure to add a hyphen (bat-haired) so it can't be misread as "bath aired."
- "Proto Man wears his trademark black shades and a slick yellow scarf" --> Just to avoid the misunderstanding that that's ALL he wears and is naked otherwise, you can clarify that these are part of his appearance, like: "Proto Man wears [...] as part of his iconic outfit"; or: "Proto Man is often seen wearing [...]"
- "and almost always hides" --> "and HE almost always hides" (+1 word for sentence completion)
- "He also is known to whistle to announce his arrival, no matter what" --> This can be interpreted as whistling after showing up, not before. And I know you like to use "no matter what" regularly, but its placement here is like saying Proto Man will not or cannot appear without whistling first under any condition, like it's a law or something (even if it is rote by his standards, it still reads weird). Alternatives like "He also is known to whistle to announce his imminent arrival (on the scene)" or "He also is known to whistle before he appears/shows up/makes himself visible" would work better.
- "These facets of his appearance" --> If you're also covering his shades, scarf, and helmet, you'll have to move that sentence close to the one about his mysterious casual wear so you don't lump in his "whistling before appearing" schtick (well, that technically COULD count toward his "appearance" [showing up and giving a strong impression to those present], but it doesn't make for smooth or easy reading). So, you can a) start the 2nd paragraph with the whistling sentence and follow through with the outfit sentences to keep "of his appearance" intact, or
change that phrase to "These idiosyncrasies" or "These facets of his character" or something else.- "He enjoys his life of solitude" --> Change "He" to "Proto Man" to smoothly get back on track after talking about Light and Wily.
As for that pesky Skull Kid ending:
deepening the anger and loneliness he felt after some of his closest friends abandoned him one night and didn't come back.I third this. Leaving it as "abandoned him one night" feels incomplete. Dafydd wins the word wars.
-
Proto Man: Quite a notable improvement. I agree that your own voice comes through better while you've 1) distilled Proto Man's origin to the essentials and 2) offered just enough extra info (his appearance and alliances) to give an engaging impression of the dude.
Now for cleanup:
- "was to be the first creation" --> The words "to be" imply that Dr. Light never actually got around to building Proto Man, or that there's an extra meaning to the title of "creation" that isn't established (is Proto Man a scientific breakthrough? a household companion?). To save you the trouble, cut "to be."
- "it wasn't long after his creation" --> "it wasn't long after completion" (so you don't have "creation" twice in the same sentence)
- "At some point after his departure" --> I know this clause refers to Proto Man, but it's a little close to Dr. Wily's name drop, and you already say that Proto Man leaves. So the words "his departure" make me do a double take. You can express the time passage a different way, like: "After some time..." or "At a later point in time..." or something. I'm sure you can find a working substitute.
- "he got equipped" --> Change "he" to "Proto Man" or "the robot" so there's no chance of mistaking "he" for Dr. W.
- "Under the alias Break Man" --> This would feel more complete either with the word "of" following "alias" or with "Break Man" in quotations, methinks (or both).
- "these weapons were put to use" --> Following the clause above, this part sounds like the weapons, not Proto Man himself, were called Break Man. I suggest rewording this to "he used these weapons" or "he put these weapons to use" to make the "who" factor clear.
- "Proto Man saved the girl which allowed" --> Feels like either there's a comma missing after "girl," or "which" should be replaced by "and" to make this part make perfect sense. Take your pick.
- "From here on out" --> Personal gripe, but this sounds just a little bit too casual. Try "From this point on" or something else.
- "continuous conflicts" --> This implies it's already been established that Light and Wily are constantly at it, which doesn't come up until the second paragraph. You can say "Proto Man took a neutral approach to other conflicts initiated (or whatever) by Wily," but then you'd have to worry about the abundance of "Wily" iterations in this paragraph. (You can change one or two to "the mad scientist" or "the evil doctor" or similar for variety.)
- "when he feels it is absolutely necessary" --> For the sake of keeping with the past tense throughout the paragraph, this should indeed read "and only interfered when he felt it (was) absolutely necessary." Alternatively, you can switch to a more prominent present tense via "Having learned from this incident, Proto Man now takes a neutral approach..." if you want to keep the present tense you currently have going.
- The first two sentences of the second paragraph should move a chunk of info from one to the other, i.e.: Proto Man whistling before appearing should be one sentence, and wearing a helmet, shades, and a scarf to hide his hair should be another. Better focus of ideas this way.
- "He prefers more mysterious clothes while in casual attire" --> Aren't clothes and attire the same thing? Maybe "attire" can be "wear," or "while in casual attire" can be "while dressing casually."
- "Regardless of this" --> Cut "of this" (makes sense without it)
- "he always looks out for his Mega Man" --> Sounds like Proto Man "owns" Mega Man, if you know what I mean. ^_~ (cut "his")
She believes that the mask completely possessed the forest imp, deepening the anger and loneliness he felt when some of his closest friends abandoned him one night for unknown reasons and hadn't been heard from since.For now, all I can think of to make this more workable would be to cut "for unknown reasons." The other part, "and hadn't been heard from since," gives the Skull Kid a reason to be distressed over his friends' non-communication and sets up the (true) possibility of them returning. Or did you have something else in mind, Daf?
-
"Never to return" sounds just as definitive as "and never returned" to me. I can see the value in those phrases (they make the abandonment meaningful and explain the Skull Kid's feelings), but the giants do return (if only once), and the sentence could end on a thoughtful note, highlighting the uncertainty/confusion/need to know the truth. "...some of his closest friends abandoned him...":
and left him hurting.
without him understanding why.
for reasons his childish mind couldn't fathom.
for reasons yet unknown.
-"force Link to undertake a quest in Termina: an alternate world closely related to his (their?) own" Maybe?Nah, I say keep your original wording. The "alternate world" detail is the main idea, and the name of it is an expected follow-through. Also, you're using the colon correctly.
-
The friends thing at the end could be worded in different ways without spoiling it, like:
some of his dearest/closest friends
a few important/irreplaceable friends he had
the friends he made in Termina (+ had)
those he thought were his friends (+ had)
Remember that the sentence before calls Tatl his friend, so be careful with this (fairy companion might work). You guys have any preferences?
As far as I know, capitalization is for discoveries named after people (Einsteinium, Alzheimer's disease, Halley's comet), brand names (Pokémon, Google, Kleenex, Velcro [apparently]), official places, and some other things I can't think of off the top of my head. "Telephone" joins root words that mean "distance" and "sound," so it's too basic a word to be capitalized midsentence. If a new word is established with a capital the first time, I think it's set forever.
oobalaboobaCongratulations, this thread is the only place your word appears.
I also realize I misspelled "consensus" in my previous post (doesn't make "sense" to misspell "consensus"). Hope my flub doesn't screw up your English.
OCR Mascot Bios - 20 more up for grabs!
in Projects
Posted
That helps the sentence better than "sealing," sure.
Ha ha. No harm in adding "little" in there.
Revised: