Polo
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Posts posted by Polo
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- Apparently, Pipboy has lines in Fallout Tactics. If he's the same character as Vault Boy in the other Fallout games the way Leon (Kingdom Hearts) = Squall (FF8) and Prometheus (Chrono Cross) = Robo (Chrono Trigger), then a quote from that page would count as legit.
- Last time, you felt the 2nd paragraph broke up the flow of things. I think it's the 1st paragraph that needs to be disassembled/moved. Here's why: 1) You already make note of Vault Boy's smile and overall cheeriness (especially in the last sentence). I know it can't go unnoticed, but do go for a more frugal application of those details to keep the bio's viewpoint on the objective side. 2) Saying that VB isn't playable can be left out unless you talk about him as the Pipboy in Tactics (if you choose to). 3) Once Vault-Tec's touched upon in the games' backstory, it would be easier to branch out and explain what else it's responsible for (its mascot and products) rather than leaving readers demanding the when/where/why of his appearance since his initial tie-in to Vault-Tec.
I know that by removing the first paragraph, you'd be starting on a darker foot, but a perennially happy character wouldn't be brought down by a dismal setting, would he? If anything, his real job is to keep players in high spirits as they traverse the series' torn world, which you nailed in your final sentence.
- "Fallout's history deviates from our own a little after World War 2, until the beginning of the first game 200 years later." --> This sounds like 1) we're already more than 200 years after WW2 and 2) the only history that's changed was this 2-century span of time before we get back on track. Use caution when setting up the whenabouts for the series.
- "a devastated future world based around the pop art movement of the 1950's" --> Do you mean the science fiction of the 1950s? The Wikipedia article on pop art talks about the emphasis on everyday objects and the lifestyle at the time, not the imagined or feared possibilities of the future.
- "the vaults were secretly experiments on social conditions and group survival viability." --> This statement feels extraneous because it's not backed up or explained afterward (Vault Boy isn't tied into it and the effect it has on the protagonist isn't clear).
- "The games always follow a lone wanderer, often a vault dweller or someone related to one." --> Ease the transition from the vaults to the main character with a lead-in. Something like "emerging from one of these vaults..." or "in this future, a lone wanderer..." is needed to carry the weight of the topic from the vaults' survival usage to the protagonist benefitting from it by living and completing in-game objectives.
- "wrist mounted" --> wrist-mounted
- "Although in one game he was a jack-of-all-trades companion to the player's character" --> This is a hindrance between the 2nd paragraph's cliffhanger and the needed explanation of Vault Boy appearing in the Pip-Boy display screens. Do you delete it or move it elsewhere and expand upon it? (Thanks for hyphening jack-of-all-trades, btw.)
- "The computer unit acts as the in-game menu system for both the player and the character." --> This, on the other hand, should come earlier (with some rewording to fit, of course).
- "As the character levels up, the player can choose from a number of perks, which are humorously depicted by Vault Boy’s poses and costumes." --> Readers would be left wondering, "so what are these perks exactly?" Illustrate some examples.
- When referring to decades (1950s, 50s, etc.), you don't need an apostrophe to separate the S from the numbers.
- Again, add release years (in parentheses) after game appearances. Like so:
Windows
Fallout (1997)
Fallout Tactics: Brotherhood of Steel (2001)
Xbox 360
Fallout 3 ( 2008 )
Here's my biggest note: Judging by the floating clauses and out-of-order sentences I've found, I'm getting the impression that you're unsure how to balance your ideas. Try reading just two or three sentences in succession (including from one paragraph to another) and it might help you catch unwanted jumps and detours in delivering whatever main idea you want to convey (not just within, but also between sentences). Don't be rough. Be gentle, even though it's not your first time.
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NiGHTS is certainly shaping up in terms of organization. And thanks for following the notes we gave you - things like dualizing and the jester's gender are clearer now than they were before. The bio still has its share of bumps and hurdles though...
- "Anything is possible in dreams." --> First, let me say that I like this sentence by itself. And I can understand the creative purposes it serves in a bio such as this: as an enticing hook and as a buildup to the setting of the NiGHTS games. Starting with it as its own paragraph and then cutting to talk about the character, though, is not a contextually smooth bridge. You can try one of two things: 1) Delete the sentence. Your bio can still function without it. Or: 2) Describe the NiGHTS universe and the world of Nightopia, and maybe a few of the many dream-based actions that players can do. THEN introduce the jester as the one players control and associate with.
- "a androgynous being" --> "an androgynous being"
- "He is also a 1st Level Nightmaren" --> You say "also" in the previous sentence, so remove it from this passage (I gave you a similar note last time).
- "1st Level Nightmaren; a creature" --> Actually, a colon or a comma works better here than a semicolon because you're describing what a Nightmaren is. A semicolon usually indicates a stronger contrast between clauses.
- uptopian --> You mean utopian. Careful you don't make this sound like an OCAD fanfic reading (although I do like my share of those).
- "Nightopia, the utopian dreamscape that exists as a paradise for people while they are asleep" --> You already kind of establish what Nightopia is in the beginning - reiterating or embellishing upon it sounds like it's not clear enough the first time around. Describe Nightopia once and succinctly so you won't have to retrace your footsteps.
- "a cage who's barrier" --> Normally I'd say to use "whose" again, but I think it sounds weird making a cage seem like a person. Try: "a cage with a barrier that can only be passed by..."
- "fall alseep" --> Gotta admit, this made me chuckle.
- "they have retained their Ideya" --> This makes me think the children either always had Ideya or it's implied that they could've lost it, neither of which is clear. Saying "they have Ideya" is simpler.
- "can help him escape" --> More like "help him escape" since you already say one "can" in the last paragraph.
- "The dreamers "dualize"( become one) with NiGHTS, regain the power of flight, and take on Wizeman" --> I'm coming into this thinking both NiGHTS and the dreamers had the power to fly but lost it somehow, and the children are the ones fighting Wizeman instead of NiGHTS (which isn't true because they dualize with him). My suggestion is to reword it thus: "The dreamers "dualize" (become one) with NiGHTS, and with the power of flight at their command, take on Wizeman..."
- "Wizeman and his henchman" --> Does he have only one henchman? Not many henchmen?
- "Assignment of gender, such as this bio, are merely reflective" --> "such as in this bio, is merely reflective"
- "the assignments a person has put on the character themselves" --> "the assignments people have put"
It helps to carefully read over your words from the viewpoint of one absorbing this information for the first time, i.e. at a relaxed enough pace so you can pick up overused words, misspellings, and confusing standalone passages. Don't be discouraged - I'm this close to dualizing with NiGHTS through your bio.
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First, to answer your immediate concerns...
- Touching upon the games' setting is a reasonable and expected choice. The main issue is making sure it's not so abrupt coming OUT of that paragraph. You can avoid this by furnishing it with the following (some info moving required): 1) Vault-Tec's role in helping humanity survive the nuclear holocaust; 2) Vault Boy's appearances in ads, perks, and achievements (an opportunity to explain the games' objectives as a framework for playing).
- Does Vault Boy ever actually talk, strictly speaking (no joke intended)? I gather the quote you're using now is simply text in that one video ad, most of it spoken by a live actor, and your alternative is part of a side description like in all perks. As it stands, I'm wary of allowing a quote for a mascot who (from what little I've researched) poses rather than enunciates.
- Your format's fine. Just remember that in the appearances list, release years must be added to games (20XX), we say Windows or DOS instead of PC, and we list titles under one system header at a time (OCR puts Fallout 3 under Xbox 360, so delete Playstation 3).
As for my other notes...
- Contrary to Liontamer's preemptive update, the first Fallout games were developed by Black Isle Studios, a division of Interplay.
- "Vault boy is not a playable character" --> Vault Boy (capital
- "in the alternate history of the Fallout universe" --> 1) This sounds like there's a main timeline in the Fallout games that isn't being followed. 2) It interrupts Vault Boy's character and makes the sentence about his role expansion feel like an afterthought. 3) You make it clear that the series' chronology is divergent from our own in the 2nd paragraph, so you can axe this clause (starting from "creators of the vaults").
- "an alternative tale, around which nuclear war" --> You can cut the comma here.
- "back story" --> Backstory is one word, not two.
- "environment changing" --> Add a hyphen (environment-changing), since it acts as an adjectival unit.
- "In truth, the Pip-Boy is the personal device used by the player characters within the game." --> So what IS this personal device and how is it used? If you don't think it's important, change it to "a personal device" so it's not a lingering question. Saying "the" implies it's vital to the player and has more than a name-based connection to Vault Boy. Speaking of which, you can clear up some confusion by saying that VB
.- "The Pipboy" --> Everywhere else you spell it Pip-Boy.
- "recruit him to the team." "His stats were meant to be average" --> These two clauses assume the reader already knows the game genre and mechanics, which aren't established. ("You form teams? What are these stats? Do you level up like in an RPG?") You say players can "play the game as they like" in the 2nd paragraph, which, btw, doesn't say much to begin with.
- "jack of all trades" --> Hyphen-up-this-bitch (jack-of-all-trades).
- "Furthering the confusion" --> Nitpicky, but starting the final sentence this way feels like a downer. I'll leave it to you to find a more satisfying closing sentence of that paragraph and the bio as a whole.
- "earlier Pip-Boy's" --> As a plural noun, you can drop the apostrophe (Pip-Boys).
- "red haired" --> red-haired
- You say "mascot" 3 times in the first paragraph (and twice in the last sentence). Ease up on the M-word a little.
- On the whole, I'm gathering who Vault Boy IS (mascot of the Fallout series, mascot of the in-game company Vault-Tec, also called Fallout Boy and Pip-Boy) and no mention of what he DOES (the purposes he serves AS a mascot).
The rougher the draft, the heavier the notes you'll get. Back to the Vault with you, Boy.
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NiGHTS into Feedback...
- The mascot image is actually from Sonic Riders: Zero Gravity.
- "some of the children of Twin Seeds" --> This would read better as "some children of the city of Twin Seeds" 1) to clarify what Twin Seeds is and 2) because the first "of the" is kinda unnecessary.
- "find NiGHTS for the first time" --> Find or meet?
- "the ruler of realm of Nightmare" --> "the ruler of the realm of Nightmare"
- Yeah, the names Nightmare, Wizeman, and NiGHTS should be separated to avoid confusion, like: "NiGHTS is a 1st Level Nightmaren, originally a creation of..." or: "Wizeman, the ruler of the realm of Nightmare, originally created NiGHTS as..."
- "NiGHTS rebelled against Wizeman after he tried to take over Nightopia, and was imprisoned inside the Ideya Palace as a result." --> For better flow, either cut the comma or put "and as a result was imprisoned..." after it.
- It might help if you briefly explained what "dualizing" is to readers left scratching their heads (touching hands and emitting light? That it?).
- "a genderless being who's appearance" --> Dafydd's right that it should be whose, not who's (possessive).
- "NiGHTS also has a complicated relationship" --> You can cut "also" so you don't repeat it so soon after the previous sentence.
- "Reala, who's abilities" --> also should be whose
- If you want to cut the number of times the name NiGHTS appears in the bio (13), try replacing some instances with "the jester" or "the genderless one" or "the Nightopian" or whatever. You can be creative here, especially in the 3rd paragraph.
- Some of the NiGHTS titles in the appearance list and elsewhere threw me off regarding capitalization and punctuation; I thought Christmas NiGHTS into Dreams... didn't need a colon and "into" should be lowercase (that's how OCR lists the two linked NiGHTS titles). And I'm pretty sure Journey of Dreams doesn't include an ellipsis.
- Sonic & Sega All-Stars Racing wasn't released for the PS2; you can move it under Wii (and change the "and" in the title to "&").
Good job introducing the character as opposed to trying to say everything there is about him/her/it. That's what mascot bios should do. For now, just keep spraying Windex on those dirty parts and we'll take another look at it.
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- The Japanese title for Mega Man & Bass doesn't need the subtitle after "Rockman and Forte" (未来からの挑戦者) - that version was released for the Wonderswan in 1999, and the game in OCR's database is the GBA version released years later. Just cross-checking with Wikipedia.
- I can't access the page for Singing Pretzel (it gives me "DOMDocument::loadXML()" warnings of the sort). I assume this happened when a lyrics tab was being added?
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Two nitpicks for two review thread labels:
- Will is the Lord should have a short I in the word "is" (that's the rule on the mix page, in the MP3, and everywhere else).
- Uh Oh! The Beat Have Started To Move! needs a single quote mark ' at the end of the title (also in the first post).
Also, last I checked, the Metal Gear mix was the only one shortened to acronym form (UOTBHSTM) in the 1-1000 torrent file. But I trust you've dealt with it by now.
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Definitely a mix to behold. Of particular note:
- The cumulative flavor of each successive instrument in the intro is like the sun dawning on a fresh, pleasant day, telling all nations to rise with it.
- 0:54 counterbalances the previous buildup with soft scale falls via fewer instruments before rising in incremental intensity at 1:35.
- The Guild Wars theme plays extensively in different blushes early on. Stormwind supplements one of its iterations at 2:37, crafting a melodically similar bridge. After a later grand build, 4:51 gently plays 1:36 of Stormwind to wrap things up.
- What really whets my appetite are the composite rhythmic strings. They give the loftier sections a feeling of movement, like when the GW theme shines in a noble light at 1:48, and they stay tense and busy when they're subdued or creeping into the fray, especially at 3:24-3:56.
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Super Mario Bros. 2 - Mario, Luigi, Princess, and Toad
FF3 - Onion Knight
FF4 - Kain (battle sprite)
Ms. Pac-Man
Rockman no Constancy - Roll (a hack with an original sprite)
Bucky O'Hare
LT: Feel free to find a nicer-looking option for Bucky.
How about a standing sprite? He's actually 33 pixels tall, so I squished his feet a little.
LT: Cool. I'll just let the original Bucky in, even though it's an ugly sumbitch of a sprite. I'll pass on Ms. Pac-Man though, it's a weird look; mouth just looks crazy open that way (that's what she said), touching the outlines of the map. Looks cluttered there.
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I'm pretty sure it's:
Computer: Magitek Factory operational. Hello, Cid.
Cid: Mm.
[machinery sounds]
Computer: Executed.
[song starts, then crumbles]
Cid: No, no, no, no, no...
[machinery sounds, then silence. Cid walks 6 steps]
Cid: *sighs*
[song starts again, then segues into a new section]
Cid: Mm, that's good. Kefka, trumpet. General Leo, drums.
[jazz section, then return to industrial section, then song crumbles again]
Cid: *sighs*
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I know I praised that ghost whirl lead (0:43, 1:50) once already, but again: eerily arresting + holiday themed = genius. I'd probably flip out if I walked into a Halloween shop and heard one of their "wooooo"-sounding trinkets start playing Demon Seed out of nowhere. The castanets still pack a sharp, nutty flavor, and they keep the danceability intact with the bass and wah synths. And of course the windy gusts and many reverbed synths illustrate a spacious cave setting (which makes up part of the level where the source plays).
Chills all around.
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At the outset, the swelling and clipping samples definitely give the impression of stepping onto demonic turf, so the hell-raising that follows is most welcome. I remember the source the clearest via the high-noted countermelody after the furtive intro, so the appearance of the bellish twinkles makes me rejoice. (Are they really that innocent or are they in league with the evil forces at play? One can only guess.) I'm digging those periodic punctuations that enter at 0:40 - they sound like alien squelches paired with half-explosions. When the breathing at the end gets cut off by a heartbeat, it sounds like the victim in question is choking on/drowning in his own blood (in a way). How heartily gruesome.
If Duke's ship sets off more than just an explosion when it goes down in flames at the start of the first level, this mix vividly illustrates it. Congrats on an OCR milestone, MD.
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I don't know which is more menacing: the many risings in the scales that pile on a sense of unease like a stack of wrestlers, or the bass piano endorsing them. Together, they bare and chomp their teeth. What's even more amusing is how the volume-tamed niches and the mainstream music quotes slip right in like they couldn't be more comfortable - the Mozart bit in particular sounds like it's saying, "here's a bright idea for you!"
If this was a Halloween mask, it would sport a sharp-toothed grin. ^WW^
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It's just as cauldron-y as the first time I heard it. Seriously, the many gloopy, bubbly sounds are so up-front that I almost can't think of anything BUT a witch's cauldron boasting a simmering green liquid of dubious substances. Not that it makes listening to the mix uncomfortable; on the contrary, it's that eternal texture that I love about this. It just kinda drowns out (ha ha, see what I did there) the other ingredients.
Aside from that, intense mix is intense.
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A few extra notes since my album review:
- The organ has a spiffy sound to it when it plays staccato chords, and it sure helps encourage the festivities to start up.
- Every time the activity level's high, the party rave atmosphere is solid and contagious. w00t.
- During the long-winded closure, I would've liked it if either 1) the guitar was just a little braver in getting its tunage flowing or 2) the section was slightly protracted, so that the patterned organ and piano could still help guide the collective energy to rest without making their presence seem tedious.
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"Step champ." It refers to one who can only "win" (survive) in Quick Man's stage by "stepping" lively (being strong and agile on your feet). At least I think that's what the voice is saying. *shrug* In the main/loud sections, I imagine the boomerang-tossing robot master employing fast, precise reflexes everywhere he runs and leaps. The quiet sections, meanwhile, harbor a suspenseful mindset - imagine if the lights-out corridor and the laser beam chute were one section instead of two, and you'd get something akin to 3:07-3:32. You wouldn't see the insidious death rays come at you from the darkness until it's too late. (Yeah, I'd freak out too.)
Still one of my favorite MM2 mixes from OCR's past.
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I dun git it done, pardner. Yeehaw!
And thus the Mascot Bio Project returns to its eternal slumber... at least for now...
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Zug zug! (Acting on your orders, sire/master/my liege.)I suppose "an original" (creation) would suffice.
Human(s) is capitalized only when it's written as "Human Legion" (a prefix to describe the officially capitalized Legion). Elsewhere, lowercase wins the majority vote.
How about we say "one skill" to avoid future "yes it is/no it's not ultimate" remarks.
Fairly easy... sounds friendlier, so why not.
Since battles are common rather than random, sure, the lifestyle noun (battle) it shall be.
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I guess Tensei can't be bothered to finish Zephyr. (I PM'ed him twice myself with nary a reply.) I say we polish up the bio in his stead and get it over with. The following is an edit using the suggestions I felt worked best while keeping as close to his words as possible.
Zephyr
"Wisdom flies with the wind."
Article by: Joren de Bruin (Tensei-San)
Pictured from: Heroes of Newerth
Created by: S2 Games
First appearance: 2010
Bio
Zephyr is one of 60+ playable heroes in the PC game Heroes of Newerth. While the game is based on a Warcraft III modification called "Defense of the Ancients" and borrows many ideas and elements from it, Zephyr is an original creation by S2 Games.
According to the in-game lore, Zephyr is part of the Beast Horde, a faction of anthropomorphic animals who have allied themselves with the Legion of humans to combat the nefarious Hellbourne faction and defend the land of Newerth. Zephyr does not have a lot of characterization, but he is described as a riddler, a sage, and a lover of sweets. In combat he is simply known as the warrior of the winds. Zephyr's design is based on the looks of real-life horned owls.
In-game, Zephyr utilizes his wind-based powers for both offense and defense, allowing him, for example, to blow his enemies into a desired direction, or use a wind shield to deflect blows and increase his movement speed. One skill involves him conjuring a huge typhoon that slows down and damages any enemies caught within, dealing more damage the closer they are to its center. His cyclones give him the ability to heal himself, and in addition, they help him gather gold in battle quicker than others. Because his offense and defense are quite balanced, Zephyr is fairly easy to learn for new players.
Zephyr enjoys considerable popularity among the Heroes of Newerth community due to his relatively goofy appearance, which made him the focal point of several forum memes. "Party-time Zephyr" depicts him surrounded by rainbows and disco balls, and a variation on "haters gonna hate" features the owl with a decidedly smug look on his face.
Selected game appearances
=== Windows ===
Heroes of Newerth (2010)
References
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The good side:
+ Plenty of effects on the synthwork, such as panning, modulation, crossing paths in weird ways, etc.
+ Danceability is there, to an extent. You can even sing the title as lyrics: "Daaance, dance Richter daaance, dance Richter daaance..."
The flip side:
- I can only take so many chewy alien mutation synths in one song, especially if they sound this insular and incestuous.
- It's a shame the closing third of the song (starting at 0:59) doesn't have the same notational emotion that helps the source come full circle refreshingly.
I guess this is how Dracula's zombies hear the original. Yeah, that explains it all.
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Tracks 2, 4, 7, 9, and 12 are the original songs I can identify (in order). [11/24 edit: I just recently found track 8 in here, too, between 7 and 9. Funny how I missed that.] Although they aren't given much rearrangement treatment, the transitions hardly detract from the flow - every tone/tempo/etc. change instantly puts me in a new mindset while keeping the beat, energy, and variety intact. In particular, I totally dig 3:00-3:17, which puts me in mind of Castlevania (but then again, this is Konami), and 3:47-4:16, the fiercest section (IMO) that pulls no punches (the choir adds a devilishly serious aura to it).
Rad.
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Road to Toronto kicks things off with a fresh, adventurous vibe. Destination's planned out, provisions are packed, and the first steps are taken toward the first major landmark. The guitars' prominent, tenuto notes bring out the bravery in the source. At 1:11 victory is claimed over a mountaintop or other high point. Following that...
...a Charlie Brown-like piano cleans up the plate like a brief intermission, and then Itory Village/Blessing of Nature paints openly peaceful days, with the piano and a smooth bass guitar providing mutual mellow support. No worries, just sun and shade and nature encompassing the listener. 1:48-1:57 adds a joyous little quip to the original song. It looks to the sky...
...and then South Cape/Lively City jumps in saying, "dance! Swing from side to side! It's a party!" The guitar solo certainly endorses this statement. 3:17 prefigures the end by toning it down a notch, and when the guitar plays its last note, the piano is but a gentle twinkle.
Each section ends on a high and longing note as if waiting for a supplementary section (with a matching synth set and source assignment) to finish what it's started. Maybe that's why the parts don't gel too well - the mix seems to want to be three separate songs instead of one composite whole. But it still rocks.
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The source packs a somber enough melody, but man, when the first iteration plays here, my throat constricts in sorrow. Luckily, the music box and co. alleviate the pain before the next one. Mr. Soundscape sure isn't kidding when he says the song allows lots of room to play around, and the varied leads and arrangement pathways prove themselves most colorful. 3:23's all-out craziness is a satisfying payoff to the lengthy buildup. Also, if the lead synth at 4:12-5:01 were a human face, it would twist and pull itself into every conceivable expression known to man. Now that's flexibility!
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The Cave: take 1 limns the darkness and wonder of a real cave, which is cool and fitting. Of course, I guess it's a piece of cake for an orchestral take.
Then perils and dangers show themselves with the brass until......0:52, which acts like a bird perched on/flying between bookshelves. 1:00-1:16 and 1:42-2:17 remind me of Simon swinging on his whip (even though you can't do that in the library level). I think it's the rising arpeggios/notations that mimic the "swinging from a low point up to a high ledge" feel.
Finally, you know what the last section reminds me of? That scene in Spider-Man 2 where the train survivors gently pass him back over their heads. Spider-Man's martyred body floats not unlike the final strings. What a titillating way to wrap it up.
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No prob Bob. "Since infancy" works better too. Thanks.
Uploaded.
OCR Mascot Bios - 20 more up for grabs!
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Indeed, this latest go at Vault Boy is an improvement to be proud of. You clearly noted his personality, 50s era influence, main roles, and lasting effect on the series and the player using an easy-to-understand pace and tone. All bases covered in an introductory mascot bio =
I think that's implicitly noted here: "His constant good humor ... inject a lighter side into the games" (i.e. the Fallout series).
Come to think of it, my only note is that it might be clearer to say "the Fallout series/games" instead of just "Fallout" (the first game) when you say "Fallout paints a grim reality..." But that's about it.
2008 was a cool year.