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Posts posted by Dafydd

  1. Oh, you were serious about "the umpteenth time"? Haha, I thought that was a placeholder... it sounds a little subjective, don't you think?

    "Its energy source" works better, yes.

    I was actually thinking there'd be a way to work the first paragraph into the bio, but later in it... and I tried to reword it, but it wasn't as easy as I thought it would be:


    Rosalina's path crosses Mario's in Super Mario Galaxy, where a familiar plot remains intact: Mario must rescue Princess Peach from the nefarious Bowser. But not only does Bowser kidnap Princess Peach for the umpteenth time, he also steals the comet's Star Power (its energy source) before making off for the center of the universe!

    Eh, I'm not completely happy with this, either. Perhaps your version was better, what do you think?


  2. Sorry for the wait,

    On 3/13/2016 at 9:02 AM, Polo said:

    Detracts? Do you mean it leaves her out of the spotlight for too long/doesn't talk about her early enough?

    Reading it again now, it really feels like the second paragraph is just a parenthesis and that the bio is really about Mario. This is really just how I feel about it though, knowing Mario that much better than Rosalina (despite recently having a sitdown with the first hour or so of the game), but I'd still like to make Mario the parenthesis and let Rosalina shine in the first paragraph by leaving a brighter star (Mario) out of scope until later.

    On 3/13/2016 at 9:02 AM, Polo said:


    Haha, interesting choice of words...

    On 3/13/2016 at 9:02 AM, Polo said:

    Alternatively, I could just work the fact that Peach is kidnapped into the third paragraph like so:

    "Rosalina's path crosses Mario's when Bowser not only kidnaps Princess Peach for the umpteenth time, but also steals the comet's Star Power..."

    Is that what you had in mind? Mario and Rosalina both have stakes/goals, plus it's clearer who is meant by the words "special one."

    Yes, I think that would be a good idea. I'm not sure exactly how to word it, so throw what you have at me.

  3. Reading this all through now makes me feel like the first paragraph detracts unnecessarily from the character at hand. I feel like the entire second paragraph reads fine without the first, and puts Rosalina in the spotlight. The first paragraph would have to be rewritten to fit between the second and the third, though. Does it seem like too much work? I can give it a try, in that case.

  4. On 3/9/2016 at 9:38 PM, Kanthos said:

    Fair enough; not everyone has to use their gear just like I do. I think the reason they don't have springback expression pedals though is because unless you're trying to do some crazy pedal-dancing with more than two pedals, there's no reason why you couldn't just use your foot to put the pedal back to the 'off' position

    The reason is convenience - I only use the pedal briefly and putting the pedal back off "manually" is inconvenient and unlike every other pedal I've used, including hi-hat and kick pedals on drums, the pedals in a car, and the pedals on a piano. I never learned to use an expression pedal and I don't like using it, so I want a pedal that feels like what I'm used to but that still has "continuous control", as in the FC3 case. It'll be a few weeks before I get mine in the mail (shipping from Japan, bleh), but again, FC3 seems to be just what I'm looking for, so thanks.

    On 3/9/2016 at 9:38 PM, Kanthos said:

    (however you define off; is that with the heel down or toe down?)

    Depends on how you map it, but the FC7 is designed to be off when the heel is down. I've jammed some plastic foam under the heel part so I can push it with my toes instead, but like I said, the plastic wears out and I prefer the feel of a sustain-type pedal anyway.

    On 3/9/2016 at 9:38 PM, Kanthos said:

    I've got five pedals on the floor - one is a two-button switch for a Leslie effect pedal for the speed and stop modes, like on a real Leslie, but I rarely use stop - and I don't find it unmanageable. I can use an expression pedal to keep my hands free, but when I'm done modulating a sound, I can just as easily push the pedal back, also without using my hands, and if I'm trying to do so much in a live show that I *need* three feet, I should probably think about simplifying something.

    I only have 2 pedals: a sustain pedal, and the FC7.

    On 3/9/2016 at 9:38 PM, Kanthos said:

    Pedals probably aren't USB devices because many controllers have more than one pedal jack or, for a lot of people, adding various modulation is something they'll do after the fact, or with one hand while playing the keys with the other. I think the music industry doesn't have a good handle on what people actually want, at least as far as keyboards go; you obviously aren't the only one who needs a way to get a pedal signal into the computer and doesn't have a good keyboard with which to do it. (Granted, I'd argue that a springback expression pedal is a pretty niche request, but still...) I mean, even something as simple as using one of the Korg nanoKontrols as a quick tool but wanting a sustain pedal is something that should be easier to do.

    Yeah, you'd think they would give MIDI Expression some competition, at least.

  5. 10 hours ago, Polo said:

    Well, it kind of comes off as non-indicative - "Here" is too far from the Comet Observatory. It requires a slight reiteration to get back on track, like with your suggestion "At the observatory..." But I don't think it's really necessary, since it's already established where Rosalina is and what she does. Mentioning that Lumas are in her care implies they travel with her on the comet.

    Okay, but I'd like to avoid getting off-track, and if adding the reiteration is necessary to do that, then I think it should be added, unless we can figure out a way to rephrase things.

    Hm, is "at the observatory" correct when the observatory is a spaceship, as opposed to an observatory in a fixed position on the ground? What if it was a naval vessel, for instance? On the other hand, "on the observatory" also sounds a little odd. Does it come down to what the Comet Observatory actually is, an observatory, or a ship? And on that note, is it an observatory for (watching) comets, or an observatory on a comet?


    Yeah, that might be implied as such. More importantly, I think using "wields" would require a change to "wields the power to..." from just "wields powers such as..." Leaving it as the latter doesn't seem to make proper/full use of the word. I also don't want to imply her powers are limited only to force fields and levitation, hence "powers such as..."

    I wasn't aware "wields powers" was a problem, thanks for the info.

  6. On 3/8/2016 at 3:19 PM, Kanthos said:

    What keyboard do you have where the mod wheel springs back to 0? It must be one with a joystick-type control that does pitch bend and mod in one?

    It is, a Korg microKontrol.


    Also, why are you not connecting a pedal to the keyboard and sending MIDI into your computer that way?

    The keyboard only has one pedal input, and it's for sustain pedals (mono plug).


    You also don't want to be looking at expression pedals; none of them will behave the way you like. I've never heard of one that springs back. It's also extremely easy to make one 'spring back' yourself; I often do a trick where I have an expression pedal controlling the volume of a pad or strings on my keyboard,layered with a piano that's NOT controlled by the expression pedal. I can bring the pad in or out by quickly pushing the expression pedal all the way up or all the way down. Or, another example, my Moog synth has a mod wheel that doesn't snap back, and I usually use it to control vibrato. It's really easy and natural to add vibrato and then pull the wheel towards me to shut the vibrato off, and the benefit of the wheel not snapping back is that I can add some kind of modulation and then leave it alone for a while,

    I mostly use it for vibrato on single notes, or toward the end of the note, especially for synth leads or synth bass.


    freeing up my hand to do something else.

    That's why I want a pedal.


    There really aren't many real-world situations where keyboard players WANT an expression pedal (or mod wheel!) that springs back.

    Well, I'm a keyboard player, and I do. I find non-springback mod wheels about as useful as non-springback keyboard keys or non-springback clutch pedals.


    You might have luck with a continuous sustain pedal like the Yamaha FC3. The problem is that it might not work with your setup; I have no idea how the MIDI Expression thing would handle it, and a keyboard would have to be designed to handle it (or, allow the FC3 to be plugged into an Expression Pedal input and treat it accordingly) in order to work.

    Thanks for mentioning the FC3 - I did some research and "continuous sustain" seems to just what I'm looking for! The FC3 has the same kind of connector (stereo plug) as the FC7, so it most likely works just the same. The MIDI Expression thing comes with software that can route the pedal input to the CC of your choice, so it'll work with pretty much anything. I'll probably buy an FC3 or FC3A, then, once I figure out the difference between the two. Thanks again!

    EDIT: Still, it's a little strange these things still aren't available as USB devices...

  7. 23 minutes ago, Polo said:

    I like "astronomical objects." How about I change just the end of the sentence with the Lumas like so: "...until they mature into various astronomical objects."

    Nice, do it.

    23 minutes ago, Polo said:

    This sounds like she raises Lumas in myriad galaxies, not on the Comet Observatory.

    Does it? Hm. "... from which she gazes upon myriad galaxies, and where she raises little star babies..." makes a long sentence, and "from which she gazes upon myriad galaxies. She raises little star babies..."  disconnects the two sentences a little too much... Does "... from which she gazes upon myriad galaxies. Here, she raises little star babies..." change the location from the galaxies to the observatory? "... from which she gazes upon myriad galaxies. At the observatory, she raises little star babies..."? I'm just throwing a few ideas out.

    23 minutes ago, Polo said:

    I think making it plural ("the creation of force fields") leaves it open as to where it goes - around herself or around the observatory (I think those are their only uses, at least as far as Mario Galaxy 1 goes). It COULD be singular, but it would need some tweaking so it doesn't come off as too narrow/crippling a power, like:

    "With her magic wand, Rosalina demonstrates such powers as levitation and the creation of a force field to protect herself or even surround the entire observatory to appear like a natural shooting star." (This might be too long a sentence...)

    No, it's fine, I think. A comma might help, but I don't see where one can be added without changing the meaning. 

    By the way, would "wields" work as a replacement for "demonstrates", or would that imply that she's powerless without the wand?

    23 minutes ago, Polo said:

    I see where you're coming from, but I'd say even parenthetical info in a bio is crucial enough for a reader to pay attention to. Dashes give more weight, and IMO it would be too much in this case. Plus, without the explanation for its use, a reader can be left baffled ("why don't the Lumas act as Star Power? Is everything powered by Stars in the Mario universe?" etc.).

    Parentheses it is, then.

  8. 9 hours ago, MindWanderer said:

    So do I.  I used to save templates as plain text files; now the closest thing I can do is save as RTF.

    I can't imagine why this would be a security issue, unless you have something like a [javascript] tag.  Seems odd.

    Me too, I'm curious what it is that makes this a security issue. Thanks for getting back about it, though.

  9. 19 hours ago, Polo said:

    Thank YOU for coming back. :)

    Glad to be back, I just hope I can stay here for long enough this time!

    19 hours ago, Polo said:

    How about "the nefarious Bowser"?

    Yes, let's go with that.

    19 hours ago, Polo said:

    That's what they call her in the game. Would you prefer quote marks around "Mama" to avoid confusion?

    Oh, okay. No, keep it as is.

    19 hours ago, Polo said:

    It's not a huge spoiler. Lumas also become galaxies and comets, but I figured laying out those details would start to draw attention away from Rosalina.

    That's true, I felt like I forgot who I was reading about several times already. What about "and other astronomical/celestial objects"? Oh, you already used "celestial body" in the previous sentence. Can you think of another equivalent? I just think "and more" sounds like a semi-uninspired sales pitch, somehow.

    In order to bring more focus on Rosalina, maybe we can change the actor of the previous sentence: "... from which she gazes upon myriad galaxies. There, she raises little star babies called Lumas, who look up to her as their adoptive Mama and journey with her until they mature into actual stars..."

    By the way, "actual stars"... You can't well say "mature into mature stars", "adult star" is just plain wrong, and the apparently proper term "main sequence star" is too technical and sounds like an unexplained game feature. But it also doesn't feel completely right to call them "actual stars". Any ideas?

    19 hours ago, Polo said:

    Rosalina can surround herself in her own force field (not just around the observatory), like when she first meets Mario or when the player tries to attack her. She also makes ONE force field surround the observatory near the end of the game, so implying more than one at a time might border on misinformation.

    Fair enough.

    19 hours ago, Polo said:

    I could try this:

    "With her magic wand, Rosalina demonstrates such powers as levitation and the creation of force fields, whether around herself or around the entire observatory so it appears like a natural shooting star."

    That works, but then, why not "the creation of a force field"? Or can she create several, but smaller ones?

    19 hours ago, Polo said:

    Maybe parentheses? "...Bowser steals the comet's Star Power (its fuel to fly through outer space) before making off for the center of the universe."

    That works, too, but it feels like parentheses make it seem like the clause consists of possibly irrelevant details, or information for uninitiated readers ("oh, and if you don't know what Star Power is, ..."), and the whole bio is supposed to be written specifically for those people. Am I making any sense, haha? I'd just prefer to avoid the parentheses, but it's definitely not a big issue.

    19 hours ago, Polo said:

    I can try a colon to separate some clauses:

    "Though stranded, the goddess-like figure exhibits characteristic patience and wisdom to formulate a plan: Mario must retrieve enough Stars to power the Comet Observatory so she can take him to where his "special one" is."

    Yeah, better.

    19 hours ago, Polo said:

    Well, Rosalina's pretty chill and sedentary for one so important (and popular) - not much in the way of action. I considered giving more emphasis to Bowser's troublemaking or how Mario travels to different planets or Rosalina's other game appearances, but I felt I had enough info to start with.

    Sure, I just thought we could make this one... shine. ;)

    19 hours ago, Polo said:

    Okay. Remember you can cover original game mechanics/shenanigans and Smash Bros. moves if you feel strapped for details.

    Yeah, it's not really a problem with having enough information, but about giving an introduction from a character perspective and not just a technical game mechanic description.

  10. I bought this Yamaha FC7, a well-spoken-of expression pedal, that I've hooked up to my computer using this: http://www.audiofront.net/MIDIExpression.php

    This works okay, but the signal from the pedal is noisy, it needs calibrating every time I restart my computer, and the built-in spring only kicks in at the very end of the range, where the signal is even more noisy (I've checked, the noisy signal comes from the pedal, not the MIDI Expression USB thing). I've tried to create my own "spring" by inserting plastic foam, but it wears out quickly and doesn't spring back reliably anyway. I also don't find the FC7 very comfortable.

    What I want is a pedal that behaves like the mod and pitch wheels on my keyboard, one that springs back to 0 when I let go, and that doesn't need calibrating - ideally one that looks and feels similar to my M-Audio SP2 sustain pedal, but "analog" (like a mod wheel) instead of "binary" (like a sustain pedal, which is either on or off). I've been unable to find anything like this online, and I'm puzzled. Browsing expression pedals online, it seems like "no spring" is a feature in itself.

    I'm getting so desperate for a solution I'm considering buying another SP2 and modifying the hardware into a modulation pedal myself. Another solution would be buying a USB racing wheel and using the pedals as a MIDI controller (I've done this with gamepads in the past, for fun) - those pedals do spring back, and they don't need calibrating. They take up way more space than an SP2, though!

    Does anyone have any ideas or know of a pedal that does what I want?

  11. 57 minutes ago, timaeus222 said:

    Unless I'm missing something, I actually don't see that icon anymore either.


    Yeah, me either, my toolbar looks like yours. @Liontamer, where, relative to the "Bold" button is the "Source" button supposed to be? I'll have to assume it shows up on your machine.

  12. Hey Polo, thanks for sticking around!

    On 3/3/2016 at 11:57 AM, Polo said:

    In Super Mario Galaxy, a familiar plot remains intact: Mario must rescue Princess Peach from Bowser.

    I'd agree everyone should already know who Bowser is, but I still think this would read better if he was given some... attribute or title before the name. Like "the evil dinosaur Bowser" or so.


    Little star babies called Lumas look up to her as their adoptive Mama

    I'm not really used to the word "Mama" in this context. I'm curious - how come you picked this word over "mother", for instance? Am I missing a nuance here, or does it simply go better with "adoptive"?


    and journey with her until they mature into actual stars and more.

    Is there a spoiler here? Maybe we can flesh out "and more" a little without actually revealing anything?


    With her magic wand, Rosalina demonstrates such powers as levitation and creating force fields, one of which can surround the entire observatory so it appears like a natural shooting star.

    I think it should be "levitation and creation", or "levitating and creating". What do you think about "such powers as levitation and the creation of force fields powerful enough to surround the entire observatory, making it appear like a natural shooting star"?


    Rosalina's path crosses Mario's when Bowser steals the comet's Star Power, its fuel to fly through outer space, before making off for the center of the universe.

    Here, you can figure out that Bowser, not the comet, makes off for the center of the universe, but it's far from unambiguous. Replacing the commas with dashes would fix that, but it might not look very good, I'm not sure.


    Exhibiting patience and wisdom even when she's stranded, the goddess-like figure beseeches Mario to retrieve enough Stars to power the Comet Observatory so she can take him to where his "special one" is.

    This sentence feels a little long.

    Nice work, but for some reason, I feel like the bio lacks a little energy, somehow...


    I'm having a little trouble writing up the bio for Duck Hunt, because it's a story about games rather than characters. I have some ideas, though.

  13. On 5/3/2015 at 1:16 AM, Dafydd said:

    Is there a way to get back the old "raw" mode where I could see the actual code instead of this WYSIWYG editor? I need to be moving stuff around a lot, cutting quotes into smaller pieces and stuff, and this editor makes that a lot more difficult than it used to be (I really dislike WYSIWYG editors in general, but I actually have a good reason for it in this case)


    Also, the mobile version (on Chrome, on Android) only gives me buttons for "Prev" and "Next", which, in a thread with 50+ pages, makes it really hard to navigate. A "First" and a "Last" button would be nice.


    On 5/4/2015 at 2:12 AM, timaeus222 said:

    You can click the upper left icon in the posting container. Leftmost, near "Font", "Size", etc. Might be better to have an Alt message for that.

    I can no longer find an "upper left icon in the posting container". I haven't been around much lately, so I have no idea when this happened, but it's very inconvenient. Why would you remove a feature like that? :-(

  14. Well, that certainly took longer than I expected. It's not that I haven't had 5 minutes to spare here and there, it's that I needed more time to sit with this to actually figure out what it is I want fixed, and how.

    I feel there's enough "story" fleshed out here

    Again, "content-wise, it's fine, but somehow, it feels like a number of facts being presented in sequence". What I meant by "no story" was that even though there's plenty of content, it doesn't feel like it was bound together as a coherent story. I realize, in retrospect, that "there's no story there" was perhaps not the best way of trying to say that.

    Anyway, thanks to your breakdown, I finally have a number of things that I've nailed down as problems, and I have solutions to some of them.

    First, Iwao is apparently an important figure in Ryo's life, but I understood that from your explanation, not from reading the bio. Maybe it should be obvious from the facts that there's a family dojo and Iwao is Ryo's father, but I think if you want to make the reader understand how influential Iwao was, he needs to be brought in earlier than the sentence where Ryo finds him fighting off an intruder, or given more space in the other sentence where you say he's "distraught by his father's death". Try to elaborate some more on their relationship to help the reader relate to the situation. I'm having trouble doing that myself, if only because the situation itself is so alien, what with fathers fighting off intruders in the family dojo and all, and so neither names nor characters stick with me after reading the first paragraph, and I'm left without context, because what happened in the first paragraph was a barrage of characters and things, named and unnamed, that I'm not used to hearing about. I'm not entirely sure how to fix this, unfortunately.

    Second, "Lan Di took it by force" feels dry, somehow, or matter-of-factly. Same with "Ryo had barely enough strength". I'm missing prepositions, conjunctions, that sort of thing. On the other hand, maybe you wrote it this way because that's how Ryo would have put it, self-disciplined as he is (I'm only guessing now, of course). Here's an attempt to improve flow a little bit:

    Inside the dojo lay a greater shock: Ryo's father Iwao facing off against the intruder, refusing to hand over an item known as the Dragon Mirror. Despite Ryo joining the fight, the intruder, a Chinese gangster named Lan Di, took the item by force, using a martial art strong enough to overpower and gravely wound both father and son.

    There's a few too many commas in there, and it looks funny with the 4 capitalized words around the period, but I think you get the idea.

    "Starting in his hometown Yokosuka, Ryo freely explores anything" still sounds too much like a selling point on the back of the cover, and almost cheery in comparison to the previous sentences. No easy fix there, here, though.

    "are members of gangs, or even the Chinese mafia" makes it sounds less like the Chinese mafia are gang members and more like a gang of its own.

    "He often questions a defeated opponent" could be "he often interrogates", but that's only a suggestion.

    Ryo's preoccupation with revenge comes at a price. He lacks the finesse of reading and responding to others' emotions, so he's unable to pick up on his childhood friend Nozomi's feelings for him. His housekeeper worries about the times he comes home late, and his martial arts peer has mixed feelings about him single-handedly going after his father's killer.

    The second and third explain or elaborate on the first one, but having the periods the way they are now makes it feel like only the second one does, and not really the third. Here's my suggestion:

    Ryo's preoccupation with revenge comes at a price: He lacks the finesse of reading and responding to others' emotions, so he's unable to pick up on his childhood friend Nozomi's feelings for him; his housekeeper worries about the times he comes home late; and his martial arts peer has mixed feelings about him single-handedly going after his father's killer.

    I still don't feel certain about how to use colons and semicolons after all these years, so feel free to point out mistakes there.


    In other news, I hereby claim Duck Hunt.

  15. "Due in large part to Iwao's influence, Ryo epitomizes Japanese self-discipline and resourcefulness."

    This would improve the flow by mentioning Iwao that final time and then proceeding to Ryo's description.

    Not bad!


    Also, "lay a greater shock" feels odd; no one's placing anything down on a surface; it's just a location where a tense event occurred, so wouldn't it be "lied a greater shock"?

    'Lay' is past tense of the 'lie' in "lie down", while 'lied' is past tense of the 'lie' in "tell a lie". Maybe, some people use 'lied' for both, and you're one of those people?


    LOL at "male intruder"


    Yeeeah, let's not.

  16. I'm really, really sorry I've been gone for so long. Ugh life. Anyway,

    Ryo Hazuki revised

    One reason why I've taken so long is that something about this bio feels wrong, but it's been hard to pin down what it is. It "lacks flow", but I know that kind of remark is of no help to you. Content-wise, it's fine, but somehow, it feels like a number of facts being presented in sequence, but there's no story there. Also, the transition between the first and second paragraph is a little jarring, somewhy.


    Since I can't seem to help you any further, if you don't agree with any of my concerns, feel free to upload it in the wiki.

  17. Since we're both satisfied with Eevee, I went ahead and uploaded it in its final form.



    Or I could replace the last sentence with a question, like: "But is vengeance worth neglecting loved ones?"

    Yeah, I prefer that over an ellipsis. I tend to overuse those, myself :) Now that we've settled that, would you mind posting a new version of Ryo, in full?

    As for Skull Kid, I don't know if we should tweak the ending already in place. The structure is "People avoid him, but one individual thinks a bad experience had something to do with it" - I know it's not a FIRM ending, but it's an in-game analysis that's both sad and hopeful, and it can invite a reader to look into Skull Kid's story further.

    No, I don't think Skull Kid needs changing, I just noticed now that I felt the ending didn't feel like an ending there either. Apparently I didn't mind it as much, back then.
  18. Thanks for sticking with us, Chernabogue - I've marked you down as done, but I haven't uploaded anything yet.


    Starting in his hometown Yokosuka, Ryo freely explores anything from parks to buildings to desk drawers in real time while everyone around carries on with their daily lives.

    Sounds a bit too much like selling points on the back of the cover. If you remove "in real time", it could work.


    I wouldn't classify what Ryo goes through as unengaging, but I can see where you're coming from in terms of sentence length.

    Yeah, I meant the sentence, not the actual events.

    Lan Di took it by force, using a martial art strong enough to overpower and gravely wound both father and son. Ryo had barely enough strength to hold his father in his arms, but Iwao could only apologize for leaving his son alone before giving up the ghost. Distraught by the circumstances surrounding his father's death...

    Yes, that's better.


    remember Skull Kid's bio ends on a bleak note as well ("some of his closest friends abandoned him one night and didn't come back").

    It actually ends "Although the people of Termina, and Link himself, have reason to fear and hate the Skull Kid, his fairy friend Tatl maintains a different perspective. She believes that the mask completely possessed the forest imp, deepening the anger and loneliness he felt after some of his closest friends abandoned him one night and didn't come back." In that context, the last sentence isn't as depressing. Anyway, we both agree bios don't need to end happily, and I think what's actually bothering me is that it doesn't really feel like an ending (and neither does Skull Kid, now that I read it). An ellipsis instead of a period would make it feel different, but I'm not sure that's a good idea.
  19. I don't know about it being a regional thing, but your suggestion works just as well as "time of the day" or even "time of day," IMO.

    Well, if it's all the same to you, I vote for "the time of day". :)


    I suggested "Some of" to help indicate a fraction of the Eeveelutions, since there's no point in listing them all.

    Right. What I'm saying is, it shouldn't be necessary - "These include" doesn't need to be followed by an exhaustive list as far as I know.

    I'm fine with "Among Eevee's new forms are..." whereas ending that sentence with "among others" feels unnecessarily afterthought-y.


    They're "new" in the sense that Eevee can permanently change into something it hasn't been before, and leaving it out might suggest the ability to switch between forms like a wardrobe. If you want, we can replace "new" with "alternate" or "different" or "improved" or "specialized" or "unique."

    Yeah, I like "specialized", especially in this context, where we bring up the benefits of specializing, so let's go with that.


    Nice way to supplement the previous sentence. I think "lucky" should be "fortunate" and "acquire" can instead be "obtain."

    Yes, "fortunate" and "obtain" are better suggestions. Thanks! It's nice to be able to suggest an improvement you're still not entirely happy with and have someone else improve on it further :)


    Ryo was originally meant to be a Virtua Fighter character before Shenmue, so I can understand the confusion. :)

    Haha, I see. Well, I still feel the same way about the bio. Maybe if you were to mention the city where the action takes place and something about the style of the game... Doesn't need to be long, only that he explores the city of Yokosuka and meets people ("He uses what few leads he has to track Lan Di [...], gaining clues from various people and locations", and reading that, I thought it was kinda deep for a fighting game, but I still thought that's what it was).


    The sentence "Ryo could do nothing but hold Iwao in his arms as he died" feels short and somewhat unengaging in light of the ones surrounding it.

    Also, the ending is kind of depressing. Maybe it's not a bad thing. It's just that just about every bio we have so far (as far as I can remember) ends on a high note, and this doesn't.

  20. time of the day

    Isn't it "the time of day" in this context? Or is this another one of those which-side-of-the-puddle-you're-on kind of things?


    Some of Eevee's new forms include the Electric type Jolteon and the Attack-oriented Flareon

    ... "but some of them don't"? Polo, this may be idiomatic English, but it's ambiguous and kind of strange. It already says in the previous paragraph that there are 8 forms, not 2, but if that's not enough to leave out the "Some of", wouldn't it be better to write "Eevee's new forms include the Electric type Jolteon and the Attack-oriented Flareon, among others" or "Among Eevee's new forms are the Electric type Jolteon and the Attack-oriented Flareon"? Come to think of it, are any of these forms really "new"?


    Regardless of which form Eevee may change into, it is said that only a few Eevees are still alive, and people may not encounter such a creature in the wild. Nonetheless, a trainer can make Eevee the trump card of a powerful Pokémon team.

    The last sentence, although beginning with "Nonetheless", doesn't seem to contradict of the one before it. How about "Nonetheless, a trainer lucky enough to acquire [or is there a more suitable verb?] one can make Eevee the trump card of a powerful Pokémon team."?

    Polo, I'm a little short on time right now, but I'll get back to you about Ryo within 12 hours. For now, all I can say is I thought it was a Tekken character until the last paragraph, just because that's what I thought it was before I even started reading  :P

  21. Arrow wrote me and said he wouldn't be able to finish Shulk. Given all we had so far was a rough draft, I've let it go back to unclaimed.


    I haven't written Chernabogue yet, so I'll do that now. If he doesn't have time to do it in the next few days, I suggest we wrap it up ourselves - there's not a lot left to fix anyway.

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