Dafydd
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Story-wise, subjugating whatever's infected with Phazon happens in Metroid Prime 3, but we don't want to spoil everything in a character's history. Maybe this detail should be left out for simplicity.
I'd like to leave it out, yeah.
I like this. I didn't notice right away that "is... able to" appears twice close together, and we should keep the iterations of "can" low, so "capable of reassembling" (or "and reassemble") feels more natural. And looking at that sentence again, perhaps that post-comma bit should read "which makes her difficult to kill."So, like this?
She can also dissolve into a Phazon particle cloud and reassemble at will, which makes her difficult to kill.Sounds a little bit like the dissolving is involuntary, though.
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Darn. "who speaks in rhymes" doesn't have the same rhythm to it, but it'll have to do. Unless you're OK with "mostly" as a replacement, but otoh that sounds kind of lame. Thanks for proving me wrongTalk ONLY in rhymes she does not -(Translation: I'm okay with the addition "who speaks in rhymes" but minus "only")
You're right. Hmmmm.Starting the paragraph that way is misleading because it doesn't jump right into B&K's actions to save Tooty - the buildup/backstory is what sets the story in motion.1) Her lair, you mean (is that too vague? would fortress or tower work? also, Grunty's Castle appears in Grunty's Revenge).2) Rhyming taunts, because the taunts are colored by/delivered via rhymes.
Yeah, lair it is. Sorry, heh.
Good catch with "perform," but starting with "in a fight" sets up the implication that B&K's other moves involve fighting. My suggestion: "Alone, Banjo can throw punches and unleash rolling attacks against opponents, but it is with the help of Kazooie..."True. Your suggested version seems to imply that Banjo is ever alone, but I could be wrong about that, and maybe it doesn't matter anyway. Let's go with your version.
All right. At least it got us thinking about it.To clarify, because you sound disappointed, I think we should do it your way.
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I'm ashamed to admit to not getting it at first (the word sounds kind of funny in just about any situation), but "handy" gets my thumbs up. I vote for "One of his handier moves".
has the word "one" twice in close proximity. I think this sentence would sound better with the latter one exchanged for "someone", but maybe it would subtly change the message in ways with which you would disagree?One can expect no less from one who embodies an entire race's hopes and strengthsAbout Banjo-Kazooie, I think the emotional attachment I have to the game is making it hard to let the bio slide with anything less than something that feels good inside, and I think what the bio is currently missing is some colorful detail. It feels dead, somehow. A few additions would spice things up a little bit, in my opinion:
, although I'm still in favor of "Their adventure begins" over "The story begins". Seriously, the rhymes are too important to the feel of the game not to mention: http://banjokazooie.wikia.com/wiki/Gruntilda_Winkybunion/quotesThe story begins when Gruntilda Winkybunion, a hideous green witch who only speaks in rhymes, becomes jealous ofAlso,
Furthermore, I'd like to avoid the use of "perform" twice in such close proximity by something along the lines ofAs the protagonists make their way through Gruntilda's castle, occasionally accompanied by her rhyming taunts (or is it taunting rhymes?), they traverse mountains, deserts, and the very seasons themselves in their quest to find Banjo's sister.
However, I'll defer to your judgement on the tense in the next-to-final paragraph, Polo.Although Banjo can hold his own in a fight, dealing out punches or rolling attacks on his opponents,Work and some kind of now-fading illness have left me exhausted lately. I don't recall ever having been as absent from this thread as I have been lately, but I really hope this will change very soon.
Still no word form Borgman, so maybe we should try to iron out the last wrinkles ourselves? Also, nothing from Arrow (Shulk).
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About that Banjo & Kazooie paragraph we disagree on - do you prefer the future tense because it goes along with the last paragraph? I think by keeping it in the present, we don't run the risk of a tense conflict because B&K's actions don't have a definite end to them - we know they're doing something, but we don't know if that's the last of it/they'll succeed/they'll fail.
I'm sorry, but I'll have to get back to you about this during or after the weekend. I'm back in wifi land now, though!
I wouldn't want to keep spajjder waiting.Me either. I think he may have the record for waiting the longest now. Historically it's been a few days at most. I do not like this development, but it's entirely my fault.
Nice work on Knuckles, btw. My only concern, I think, is the word "versatile", which has no definition I know of that seems to fit. Perhaps you can elaborate and motivate its use in this case?
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Got it. I'm undibbing Saren, because I'm having trouble writing anything that isn't a big spoiler. Tricky guy, even in written form, heh. I also PM'ed BorgMan about the Dark Samus bio since it's been over two weeks since the last version.
In other news, I'm going on an adventure, and I'll be back in 2 weeks. During this time, I'm supposed to have wifi most of the time, so chances are you won't even notice any difference, but in case you do, now you know why.
EDIT: no Internet until Tuesday 2/17.
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Nope, that's all I had. Thanks for another piece of nice work, Polo.
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I've updated my previous post, exchanging "his" for "its", to clarify, but I haven't changed my mind.
If you say "My name is that of a king" you're saying "My name is the name of a king."
But if you say "I share my name with that of a king", you're saying "I share my name with the name of a king" (whatever that means, do names have names?), not "I share my name with a king."
I believe that saying "I share my name with that of a king" is the result of conflating "My name is that of a king" and "I share my name with a king".
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Aside from these two nitpicks, I personally think this bio is done. We'll just have to wait for Dafydd's opinion, particularly on the 4th paragraph.
I disagree, and I'll get back to why very soon. Sorry for the wait, spajjder...
Here's Ludwig's bio again, if it needs any more fixesLooks good! Only one question: We discussed the phrase "who shares his name and hairstyle with that of a well-known composer" where I took issue with "that", and you convinced me it was unfounded. I wonder, though, why you don't just say "who shares his name and hairstyle with a well-known composer". The way it's worded now, aren't you actually saying "who shares his name and hairstyle with the name and hairstyle of a well-known composer"?
This worked well last time, so, you wrote:
"A shares his B with the B of C"
but what you want to say is
"A shares his B with C."
I share my name with a biblical character, not with the name of a biblical character, for instance. Nameception...
This, which I consider to be an error, may be common usage of English, but that doesn't mean you can't use the shorter form (by dropping "that of"). I think the only way you can use "with that of" is if you do something like "A's D shares its B with the D of C", e.g. "Ludwig's dog shares its name and hairstyle with that of a famous composer", in which "that" or "those" indicate the composer's number of dogs and not the number of properties shared.Hey everyone, I'd like to give this a second shot after my Vyse article and claim Shulk's if that's cool.Sure thing, I've marked it down as claimed.
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That vs those
I honestly thought "that" was incorrect there. Interesting.
Yeah, me either...Maybe it's a misspelling or a way to not shame Beethoven too directly? I dunno.
I agree, I didn't think of that. OK, leave it as is.It feels like a sudden pause right after another ("Thanks to his massive girth") that boxes him in and makes him almost inferior to his brother."Landing a jump" sounds a bit too similar to "[stomping] the ground" - both involve feet contacting earth once more. How about "hit the ground hard enough after jumping" to avoid the idea that Ludwig simply stomps his feet when standing?I think the real problem is that I think doing something "after jumping" as doing something after landing, not just the after lifting off. Since you wrote it the way you did, I'm probably wrong. "hit the ground hard enough after jumping" works. Just out of curiosity, though... would "land hard enough after jumping" imply bodily injury on Ludwig's part?
Yes, a little weird. How about "Ludwig's abilities differ from game to game [or, between games], and are sometimes demonstrated by other Koopalings, but..."? It sounds a little more natural, I think.If the "demonstrated" part is what's throwing you off, I thought it was a little weird to say abilities might "show up in/be in the hands of/be given to" other Koopalings. What do you think?
Well, I did some research on theThis is one of those times when I wish OCR had an :applause: emoticon (or a :thumbsup: or a :highfive: or something).
guy and it looks like it was mostly used sarcastically back in the days of unmod. I hope I haven't hurt too many people's feelings by using it sincerely... 
OK, spajjder, thanks for sticking around!
First of all, I still don't like the second paragraph. Saying "The plot revolves around" breaks the fourth wall unnecessarily, and the paragraph lacks flow and doesn't fit well with the surrounding ones. I still think it's a good idea to bring in the plot as early as the second paragraph, but it needs a little more work to fit in. I'll get back to how shortly.
duos'duo's
mid-air attacks, jumping higher and farther, and even firing eggs from her beak or out of her rear.I want the mid-air attacks after the jumping higher and farther, but then we run a risk of the egg firing being interpreted as a mid-air attack. Hmm...
The protagonists traverse mountains, deserts, and the very seasons themselves in their quest to find Banjo's sister. Along the way, they meet such characters as Mumbo Jumbo, the voodoo priest who turns them into various animals; Bottles, the mole who teaches them new fancy moves; and Brentilda, Gruntilda's better-looking sister, who gives them all manners of gossip of Gruntilda's disgusting habits. (Instruction booklet, pp. 7, 23-24, 26-30)This paragraph would feel better in the future tense, I think.
The clock is ticking. Will Banjo and Kazooie be able to save Tooty, or will Gruntilda be able to finish her "makeover" and doom Tooty to hideousness?Again, you have "be able to" twice in close proximity. How about "Will Banjo and Kazooie save Tooty in time"? ... and even then, you have "Tooty" twice in the same sentence, which I'd like to avoid if possible.
Btw, I just realized I've written "Tooie" instead of "Tooty" in several posts above.
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"How many Bowsers does it take to unscrew a lightbulb? Ha ha, only one, and he's dying to plunge Mario into darkness!"
Sometimes, I wonder if we shouldn't source the quotes we use. Mario is Missing, eh? Now there's a game I would have never even known about if it wasn't for emulation...
memorable baddies to oppose Mario"to stand in Mario's way", but that's just a suggestion.
siblings that love to wreak havocThe koopalings are persons, sort of, so I'd prefer "who" over "that". But, according to an earlier post, "that" is probably more correct. I don't know why I have such dislike of the word "that", but I do. Maybe it's only because "who" makes reading the sentence out loud easier by allowing you to bounce back from your teeth for one syllable.
Ludwig von Koopa, who shares his name and hairstyle with that of a well-known composer.If he shares more than one thing, shouldn't it be "those" rather than "that"? Or would that instead imply they share more than one name and more than one hairstyle? By the way, I wonder why it's Ludwig von and not Ludwig van. Hmm.
Ludwig can, like his brother Roy, stomp the groundHow do you feel about "Ludwig, like his brother Roy, can stomp the ground"?
hard enough after jumping"hard enough when landing a jump", for accuracy? They're not two separate moves, as far as I know.
Sounds a little bit too much like a legal document in its current wording. Also, I move for "other Koopalings, but no matter" instead of two separate sentences.Depending on the game, Ludwig's abilities may change or be demonstrated by other Koopalings.On a final note,
No matter when or how he's fought, he's sure to compose as much trouble as he can for the hapless plumber. I'm trilled to have such A major key player on staff.
It says "ToeJam & Earl" on the box, so if we changed it there, we should do the same for Banjo & Kazooie, too, yeah.I would've preferred the "and" written out (Banjo and Kazooie) to match the style of Toejam and Earl, but no biggie. -
I actually don't know the specifics behind why Kazooie "adopts" Banjo. I just figure that if she did that and treats him as a friend, then it's a natural contrast to her "abrasive nature," as I put it.
I read the manual a little, and yeah, I see nothing in there to suggest she holds any grudges against Banjo (nor do I remember anything like it from the game), so yes, it's a contrast.
Interestingly, according to the wiki, Banjo is the one who adopts Kazooie, not the other way around. The manual would seem the more reliable source, of course.
Is one set of parentheses enough to make it clear?:"Humorously, the bird is often escorting the bear, whether by flying him around or simply by carrying him on her back (this is faster and more versatile than the other way around)." (-removed "actually both" to save on words)
The parantheses break the flow, and when I think about it, it should be obvious enough that the bear doesn't fly the bird around. Another option is to put the flying last:
"Humorously, the bird is often the one carrying the bear, whether by hauling him on her back, which is actually both faster and more versatile than the other way around, or by letting him hang-glide under her wings as she flies him around."
"Escort", after thinking about it for a while, doesn't imply, really, that there's any carrying going on. I went with "haul" because it sounds like you're carrying something heavy, but other options include "lug", "pack", and, of course... "bear".
I also added back "the one" because I felt like it was missing, and the word count went up elsewhere as well in the process.I thought my original wording was completeWell, it's not the kind of mistake I've come expect from you, so I had to make sure, haha.
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Despite her abrasive nature
Interesting. I thought this was part of her abrasive nature, that she adopted Banjo not out of kindness but because she thinks he's too much of a dimwit to take care of himself. But if I'm wrong, then let's go with your suggestion.
Uh... not quite sure I follow. :/
Ok, so, in spajjder's wording,
A: Gruntilda becomes jealous of Tooie's good looks
B: The story revolves around A
C: Gruntilda devices a plan because of B
But it should be because of A, right? I think this is related to what's called a dangling modifier.
"punching and performing a rolling attack"?Better!
Duo, pair, protagonists, bear and bird, adventurers... yeah, there's lots of choices. Any preferences?Not really, I just never thought of them as "heroes". Any of the above is fine by me.
it's not like he's going over every single move possible (we don't want that anyway)True.
but it can be added via "firing eggs from her beak or out her rear" (or similar) if he wants.Yeah, that works - it's a short and sweet addition.
Escorting? Transporting?Yes, good alternatives.
I suggested that because I thought spajjder was referring to the back-carrying Talon Trot, not flying, as "both faster and more versatile than the other way around."Sure, he was, but the phrase "the latter of which" sounds so out of place. Still, we need to disambiguate between flying and the Talon Trot there somehow.
Maybe "The clock is ticking"?Yes, that's a clever, but subtle reference to the game itself. I like it!
But better to go with popular opinion rather than disputable points, or at least not use words like "perhaps most famously" unless it's clear the bio runs on in-jokes or tongue-in-cheek humor.... which has happened before, but yeah, the bio would probably need to be consistently written that way not to have the part about Captain Blubber be mistaken as an objective standpoint.
I think that's how she transfers Phazon (keep it in her Phazon body and release it elsewhere). It's not like she carries it around in a backpack or suitcase.I know, it just didn't sound right. But OK, I'll defer to your judgement.
"As she was almost literally born out of Phazon, she can absorb, use and control this substance to her own advantage, and is at one point even able to subjugate those infected with Phazon." (+added the word "even") How's that?Without my addition in bold, that doesn't look like proper English. Am I missing something, or did you?
Anyway, if this really is something that happens "at one point", then this wording is better than my suggestion with "eventually".By negating the sentence starting "In Metroid Prime 3..." we save ourselves the trouble of what to do after Dark Samus learns how to control Phazon's home planet. We just know her overt abilities without tracking her growing strength in minute detail.So, basically, scratch "In Metroid Prime 3, Dark Samus locates and finds a way to control Phaaze, the planet where all Phazon comes from"? That works for me.
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Also, I think you mean "their" (+i-r) instruments (to show possession).
I didn't, actually, but that's even better.
Better yet: "Humorously"Agreed!
I see your point. We'll leave it as is for now, then.Maybe it's just me, but the order here seems to draw attention/power away from B&K's mission. I think the original wording works fine as it goes from villain's motives -> villain's actions -> heroes' reaction/call to adventure because we see what ultimately drives B&K and root for them.Hello Dafydd and Polo. I've changed the text according to your wishes.Thank you!
I have a question about the italics in this sentence "The heroes traverse mountains, deserts, and the very seasons themselves in their quest to find Banjo's lost sister."Do I need to have both very, and themselves, to make a complete sentence? Does it look better if one of the words are removed, or is it better as it is?
I like it as is. I'm more skeptical about "heroes".
Banjo & Kazooie are the famous Honey Bear and Red Crested Bregull duo from the game series named after them.Now there is no reference to the instruments at all. I think that's a shame. Words like "titular" and "namesake" pop up in my head, but it's too late in the day to form coherent sentences with them...
She also sees Banjo as her adoptee, and has taken up residence in his backpack.This "also" could be changed for something that connects more to the previous sentence, to present the fact that she has adopted Banjo as more of an example of her [opposite of humble] nature.
"the", because every plot worth its salt has a hideous green witch in it, or "a", because the reader doesn't know beforehand that the plot involved a hideous green witch? I can't decide.The plot revolves around Gruntilda Winkybunion, the hideous green witchThe witch therefore devises a plan toThis makes it sound as if Gruntilda devices the plan not because she is jealous of Tooie's good looks, but because the plot revolves around her being jealous.
punching and executing a powerful forward roll attackThere has to be a shorter way to describe that second attack move...
heroes' advanced moves become possibleAgain, I'm sceptical of "heroes". "Duo" is better, but you don't want to use that one too many times, either.
including mid-air attacks, jumping higher and farther, and even firing eggs from Kazooie's beak."Kazooie's" can be replaced with "her", and there's no good reason not to mention she can also fire eggs the other way.
Humorously, it is not uncommon that the bird is the one carrying the bear"Humorously, the bird is often carrying the bear" for a few words less.
whether by flying him around or simply by carrying him on her backI'd cut the "simply". Also, watch the "carrying", it's very close to the previous one.
the latter of whichA little academic, considering the context... Need to think a bit about how to fix it.
Lost? Didn't they set out to rescue her?The heroes traverse mountains, deserts, and the very seasons themselves in their quest to find Banjo's lost sister.
I agree this paragraph needs a sentence like this, but this particular wording sound awfully trite.The quest awaits.Will Banjo and Kazooie be able to save Tooty, or will Gruntilda be able to finish her "makeover" and doom Tooty to hideousness?Once is enough, I think.
By the way,
That crying hippo pirate didn't leave as much of an impression on me as Game Over Gruntilda did (I'm sure many players would agree)I came back to that level more times than I can remember just to listen to Captain Blubber burping and crying. If I had any say around here, he would be a site mascot of his own!
That said, I think giving him so much spotlight in the bio was a little joke. Yes... ok. "I can absorb and spread butter." It still sounds wrong. I tried "proliferate", but it does seem like "spread" is the more accurate term.
To trim it further, how about: "When an alien entity snatched away Samus's Phazon Suit upgrade and a bit of her DNA at the end of a fierce battle..."Sure.
I'm having a little trouble fitting that anywhere, can you give me the whole sentence?"...at one point able to subjugate those infected with Phazon" maybe?
How about "so much so that she can eventually [completely] control those infected with it". Not sure about "completely" - it's sort of needed for emphasis, but I'd prefer not to have two long, consecutive adjectives like that.I think the bigger issue is that the sentence it's in is a possible spoiler, and kinda redundant (she can bend Phazon to her will - isn't that frightening enough info without adding that she also comes to control its planet of origin?).True...
I don't think it's something she learns to do - rather, she just does it.Because the preceding sentence says "In Metroid Prime 3, Dark Samus locates and finds a way to control", I thought the ability to transform into a cloud was something she gained as a result. If that's correct, I suggest "She also gains the ability to" instead of "She can also".
In closing, dibs on Saren Arterius.
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Again, I'm sorry to leave you alone with this, Polo, and thanks for holding the fort. Next week should be a little less crammed (except for the fact we get another 13 mascots this weekend...
)!"...or playing instruments that share their names."Shouldn't that be "playing the instruments"? Without "the", it sounds like they go randomly grabbing instruments they pick up that happen to have their names (there's only one instrument that goes by the name "banjo" afaik, but this sentence makes it sound like there are several). Adding "the" also implies, at least to my ears, however vaguely, that they are likely owners of such instruments.
- "beak barge, the shock spring jump" --> Remember to capitalize these move names (Beak Barge, Shock Spring Jump)I wonder if wouldn't be a better idea to describe the moves instead of namedropping them?
So, instead of
it is with the help of Kazooie that most of the game's moves become possible. These include the beak barge, the shock spring jump, as well as the firing of eggs.something like
it is with the help of Kazooie that most of their advanced moves become possible, including mid-air attacks, firing eggs, jumping higher and farther, and even flying.
Also, I think "Ironically" would be better as "True to the humorous nature of their world" or something to that effect.
The plot revolves around Gruntilda Winkybunion, the hideous green witch, becoming jealous of Banjo's little sister, Tooty for her beautiful looks.The plot of the first game, at least. How about
Together, they set out to rescue Banjo's little sister, who has been captured by the hideous green witch Gruntilda Winkybunion. Driven by her jealousy of the young bear's good looks, the witch devises a plan to trade her beauty with her own lack thereof, by means of witchcraft and some high-tech machinery.It's not perfect yet, but it flows better. Several sentences here are a little too long and hard to read, which I don't think fits the spirit of the first game, at least.
I also think that what is now the third paragraph should switch places with the second to keep the momentum up for a little longer.
These are all suggestions, I'm not completely happy with the wording of it all, but seeing as there are so many other changes suggested already, I may as well wait with anything final.
Now then, Dark Samus. Thanks for the new version, BorgMan.
Protector of good, heroine to the light, beacon of hope… Dark Samus is none of those. The complete opposite of famed bounty hunter Samus Aran, she has only one basic instinct that drives her every move: find, absorb, and spread the mutagenic material known as Phazon. Anything that tries to get between her and this instinct is bound to experience to full range of her wrath."Absorb" and "spread" seem like opposites. Which is it?
When the Metroid Prime entity snatched away Samus’s Phazon Suit upgrade and a bit of her DNA after a climactic battle in the depths of the planet Tallon IVGood work getting less specific about which battle this was, but it still sounds like the reader is supposed to know what "the Metroid Prime entity" (and, actually, "Samus's Phazon Suit" as well) are before reading the article. Maybe "When a powerful alien entity snatched away Samus’s Phazon Suit upgrade and a bit of her DNA after a climactic battle in the depths of the planet Tallon IV"?
Because of this, she has a Power Suit-like appearance, including a blaster on her right arm. As she was almost literalyAs pointed out earlier, literally.
so much so that that she is able to subjugate those infected with Phazon into complete obedience.This is a little on the long side...
In Metroid Prime 3Could we say something like "Much later" instead?
She is also able to dissolve into a Phazon particle cloudHow about this?
She also learns how to dissolve into a Phazon particle cloudWhen the Space Pirates first encounter her on the planet Aether in Metroid Prime 2I don't know why, but I think mentioning this game is less sensitive this time around, maybe because it's so unspecific about where and how this happens. Actually, looking at the other sentence now, I think it would make sense to say "after a climactic battle in the original Metroid Prime" instead of "after a climactic battle in the depths of the planet Tallon IV".
she will try to dispatch Samus when it suits her.
I don't know if this was on purpose, but I salute you either way.
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I'm happy with this version, so go ahead and upload it if you are, too. One down, 24 (or 11) to go!
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I can try this: "...as she races Risky Boots for magical artifacts that the latter is after to further her own nefarious plans." That OK?
It's a little on the long and wordy side.
is a little better, but I think I'd prefer this small fix for the original wording (addition in bold):...as she races Risky Boots for the magical artifacts she needs to further her nefarious plans.
It should be obvious enough that the nefarious plans are the pirate's (see what I did there?), not Shantae's. You can also skip "halting", actually, just to avoid implying that Shantae needs to use the artifacts to stop Risky Boots, when she really just wants to prevent Risky Boots from getting her hands on them (if I got that part right).... as she races Risky Boots for magical artifacts critical to halting her nefarious plans.
Agreed, on both counts.I like to go for brevity whenever possible, but it doesn't hurt to add a few more words of clarity to get certain ideas across. -
These transformations include a monkey, elephant, mermaid, harpy, and more
Would it feel awkward to add an article to the last three creatures? It would feel repetitive, but when you leave it out, it sounds like all four are referring to the same, big, weird transformation. Maybe it's just me, though.
each different in terms of mobility, strength, and how they solve puzzles and clear obstacles.This sounds to me a little like the creatures are solving puzzles for the player, automatically. How about "how they can solve" or even "how they can be used to solve"? Or, how about "mobility, strength, and abilities that they can use to solve puzzles and clear obstacles."? This still makes the creature the agent (?), but less directly so.
as she races Risky Boots for magical artifacts critical to halting her plans.Maybe it's because Swedish has two different pronouns to help disambiguate whom the "her" in "her plans" refers to, but I think this sentence makes it sound slightly as if Shantae has the upper edge and that Risky Boots is trying to get to the artifacts first, to stop Shantae from halting Risky Boots' (s or no s after this apostrophe? It's a noun, but it's also a name. Mindsplode) plans, rather than, as I would assume the story actually goes, that Shantae is trying to get to the artifacts before Risky Boots finds them so that Shantae can stop Risky Boots' plans. I also think removing "halting" would fix this, assuming the artifacts are part of Risky Boots' plans, rather than part Shantae's plans to stop Risky Boots'. Possibly, "for magical artifacts critical to her plans of (to? for?) world domination" or similar (but don't write "world domination"
).To clarify, my confusion is with whether the artifacts are critical chiefly to Shantae's plans to stop Risky Boots('), or chiefly to Risky Boots' plans.
Sorry if these last few edits are just silly, I'm a little tired.
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"In Sequin Land, Genies have guarded human populations from monsters and other dangers for ages. Their numbers have dwindled over time; however, the code of loyalty they've been known to live by is upheld by their half-Genie descendants. One of these is Shantae, who earns her keep by watching over the fishing settlement of Scuttle Town..."
This is perfectly clear, but I also liked the shorter, original version and how it got to the point so quickly. Clear or concise, there's the rub...
the word is capitalized because they're a type unique to Shantae's worldOkay, fair enough.
wish-granting conventions are a bit looser than the "three wishes" ruleRemember this joke I told you about, but never told? Yeah, we're getting close.
How Dark Samus got that DNA = probably should be hinted at via "During Samus's adventures..." or something that doesn't explicitly detail the end of the first gameYeah, I like this.
To add to Dafydd's words, you don't have to be an expert on a mascot to write about them. Most of my bios are on characters whose games I've never played. It's simply a matter of piecing together the relevant basics gathered from instruction manuals, wikis, etc.Personally, I've never felt comfortable writing bios for mascots I'm not somewhat familiar with already. I don't mean to imply there's anything wrong with the many bios you've written, but it helps to have experienced characters and their worlds first hand (i.e. played the games), I think. That said, from what I know of Layton, one game should be more than enough to have gathered a feel for a character, and since we expect to you to source your claims, you will need to do a bit of reading anyhow.
But there's a chorus in that mix. We don't want repetition in these bios.
Oh good, that settles it. Wouldn't be fair to the other 99% of mascots who won't get to present themselves in first person anyway, and I don't want a riot on my hands.
I think Dafydd's implying the quote is odd in the sense that maybe someone killed Ryo's father in the Sega All-Stars racing game series.
Right. Must have been a tough one for the ESRB...
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I did, thanks!it was a reference to this meme if anyone missed it.Good lord. I'm getting too old for this
Tempting, I'll admit...
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I can put "many years ago" or "ages ago" at the end of that sentence. Do you think this would warrant "Presently" or similar at the start of the next sentence?
Hmm. Well, at what point have Genies (why is it capitalized, anyway?) done this? Historically, but not recently (except for Shantae, presently); from time to time, for as long as anyone can remember... It sounds from your suggested change that it's been a while since it happened last time (except for right now, thanks to Shantae). I'd like to avoid an extraneous "presently" if I can, but I'm not completely sure why.
Ah, I see how that can seem backwards. Sure, "As her outfit suggests" makes it clearer.On second thought, maybe do "As one might guess from her outfit" if you want to sound more casual.
True. How about "shapeshift into different creatures" instead?Creatures works. By the way, how do you think replacing "different" with "various" changes the feel of the sentence? Does either word imply anything about the number of possible creatures to shapeshift into? Does "various" put less emphasis on the fact that these creatures have distinct and unique abilities?
The idea is that, out of all her allies, the ones from Scuttle Town are the best/most consistent at boosting her spirits. Maybe one of the following would get the idea across better?:"She often relies on her friends from Scuttle Town for support and guidance"
"She relies on her friends from Scuttle Town for maximum support and guidance"
You never mention any other friends from anywhere else, or indeed any other place (other than Sequin Land, of which Scuttle Town is one part), so I think that's why I have trouble figuring out what "the most" modifies - who she relies on the most, or what she relies on them the most for. The second suggestion (or, rather, the word "maximum") sounds cold and technical for something that describes interpersonal relationships, so I'd go with the first one.
Might as well feel free to do callouts for the two front runners in the new mascot votingOk, I'll put them in the first post.
Banjo & Kazooie and Knuckles (see what I did there?).Omg, you wrote "and" without a preceding comma, AND you said "two" but then mentioned 3 mascots!
Anything that tries to get between her and this instinct, dies.Ah, the commas. In Dutch, commas are considered to couple sentences, as does the 'and'.As LT and Polo have already pointed out, the comma needs to go; "dies" isn't a sentence. I do think it comes natural to pause very briefly before saying the last word there, though, so the comma feels less out of place than it should. I also can't think of a punctuation mark that would fit the bill - an ellipsis would indicate a much longer pause.
Created when the Phazon enhanced Metroid Prime entity snatched away Samus Aran’s Phazon Suit and a bit of her DNA, Dark Samus has a Power Suit-like appearance, including a blaster on her right arm.This is just the first of many spoilers in this bio. I played Metroid Prime until I beat the (iirc) Phazon Elite, which was supposed to get me the "Artifact of Warrior", but due to a bug, I never got the artifact and so my game was lost. I'd have to start the game all over from the beginning again, and I didn't really like it that much, so I never did. Sooo... I didn't know about the whole "Phazon enhanced Metroid Prime entity" that "snatched away Samus Aran’s Phazon Suit and a bit of her DNA" at the end of the game, because I never got that far. I suppose it's considered common knowledge these days, but this whole character is a problem, spoiler-wise: It's impossible to talk about her at all without revealing something. This isn't your fault, obviously, but I wonder how far we can go to keep spoilers to a minimum without getting ridiculous. For instance, do we need to reveal her origins? The second and third paragraphs deal with the second and third game in the series. I guess there's little to tell if you can't mention anything from Metroid Prime 2, but is the third game really necessary to bring up?
In other news:
"They killed my father right in front of me. I will have my revenge."Pictured from: Sonic & All-Stars Racing Transformed
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Sorry I haven't been around!
... since the beginning of time. Assuming that's correct, of course. Or is it more like... "on occasion"? The sentence would feel more complete with some temporal... detail there at the end.In Sequin Land, Genies have been known to guard human populations from monsters and other dangers.Half-Genie... I was going to pull a joke, but it's likely to be a very, very old one. Moving along...
Shantae's Arabian design reflects an arsenal of flashy abilities.Nice!
This feels backwards somehow, as if she likes belly dancing because of her outfit, not that she's likely to like belly dancing judging by her outfit. How about "As her outfit suggests" or similar?Given her outfit, Shantae has a penchant for belly dancing
Technically, some of these aren't animals.she can [...] shapeshift into an animal. These transformations include a monkey, elephant, mermaid, harpyShe relies on her friends from Scuttle Town the most for support and guidance"and not so much on her friends from Shipwreck Town"? "and not so much for fun and games"? I'm having a little trouble working out the significance of "the most" here, but I may simply be unfamiliar with the expression
Other than these very minor nitpicks, nice work! It's odd, I have this feeling that you've written about Shantae before at some point.
I'll have to get back to Dark Samus tomorrow (it'll take a moment to read through the edits), but
Need... well. It could be useful and interesting, sure, but I wouldn't want to force people to tell us if they don't want to. I would feel friendlier asking about it when and if it feels necessary to resolve a disagreement. But yeah, you can learn a lot about a foreign language just by observing or listening to a native writing or speaking a non-native language, case in point, a Dutchman writing in English. By the way, the rule is similar in Swedish: A comma never precedes 'and' if you're listing things, however it may well do so if the 'and' is the first sentence of a clause. I can't help but be reminded of this wonderful little piece of English genius:We might need a rule for bio writers to tell us their nationality/mother language so that, when we give feedback based on American English rules, we can be mindful of those in foreign languages."What is the difference between a cat and a comma? One has claws at the end of its paws; the other is a pause at the end of a clause."
I was under the impression that if you're listing more than 2 things in English (i.e. "A, B, and C") the comma before 'and' is mandatory. I can't argue for either convention, but I do want the mascot bios to be correct in terms of spelling, grammar, and all that jazz. But didn't we allow a bio to be written in British English at some point? I seem to remember discussing it, at least.
By the way, I noticed the page for Ludwig von Koopa lists "Super Mario Wario" as an appearance. Pretty sure that should be "Super Mario World", but maybe someone knows something I don't?
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^ lt, giving the OCR community a thumbs-down
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I didn't see one in EasyTAG either. I went back to Rhythmbox and cleared the fields that came from the APE tag, and it looks like I got rid of it (can't find it in HEX, at least). Here's the result. The comment field is still wrong, but I'm guessing you'll want to go over the ID3 tag and double-check everything anyway.
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Yep, same one! It was never "fixed" like I thought it was, the same file just looked ok in Winamp after I re-downloaded that one file from the torrent... but it's still wrong in Rhythmbox. Maybe fixing it is as easy as overwriting that part of the file with zeroes, but it's probably a better idea to find a tool that can strip the file of the APE tag. I don't know what you've been using to tag all these MP3s so far (and I really hope you weren't using Winamp
), but it looks like EasyTAG (https://wiki.gnome.org/Apps/EasyTAG) or Mp3tag (http://www.mp3tag.de/en/download.html) can do the job. Both are free and run on Windows. I've tested neither, but the former looks a lot more like something I'd want to install on my machine than does the latter.
OCR Mascot Bios - 20 more up for grabs!
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Posted · Edited by Dafydd
No, those are also lame. Sorry
. I'm OK with just "who speaks in rhymes", I think I'm just disappointed by this discovery. I mean, I didn't enjoy Banjo-Tooie very much, but this... sequels... *sighs, mutters, shakes head*
Yeah, well, you know, that's just, like, your opinion, man. And I agree.
Right. I should know better after all this time.
The reassemble part feels redundant, yeah. It should be obvious enough that diffusing into a cloud isn't a one-time, no-going-back kind of ability. It would also rid us of a rhyme...