Dafydd
-
Posts
2,700 -
Joined
-
Last visited
Content Type
Articles
Profiles
Forums
Events
Posts posted by Dafydd
-
-
I haven't even gotten started. Go ahead.
-
Y'all still need a Proto Man bio? Cause I'd be happy to make one for the other red MM bot.
I had dibs on Proto Man, but you can have it if you want it.
-
Ok, I think that's all. What say you, Polo?
Arrow, I'll be right with you.
-
Alucard's bio re-edited with Dafydd's suggestion. I think we're done, right?
Almost! We still have the "however" issue Polo and I suggested ways to fix 3 posts up:
however, Dracula cast a curse on Europe and unleashed his army of monsters on humanity. Disgusted, Adrian took the pseudonym of Alucard (Dracula spelled backwards, to show his complete opposition to him) and left his father's fortress. However, his cursed blood constantly reminds him of his direct affiliation to Dracula, and he never got over his mother's death. As a result, Alucard is cold and distant with other people, hiding his emotions behind his lonely façade. However -
Sorry for the wait.
A semicolon can work as a contrast setup without ending the sentence prematurely. If we keep it as "however, Dracula, enraged," it feels like one too many pauses. I'm also thinking the next "However" should be changed to "Unfortunately" to avoid repeating the word and to give a little more weight to Alucard's burdens.Yeah... I'm thinking we should replace that "However," with "But" (without a comma). I'm not usually a fan of beginning sentences with that word, but in this case it gives a more immediate continuation and drama than "However", which comes off as slightly technical right there. But "Unfortunately" works too. Your call.
Since we made the change to "Alucard's immortality has allowed him", we should also make the change to "Across centuries, he has used his powers to help the Belmonts".
I think that's all.
-
Well, Special Agent Polo, there's still a few minor things I'd like to change.
Moments before being executed, she begged Adrian not to seek revenge against humankind. Dracula, enraged, cast a curse on Europe and unleashed his army of creatures against humanity.These sentences still end very much the same way. I wonder if it wouldn't be better to say that the army is unleashed on rather than against humanity, and the same thing goes for "declare war against" in the next paragraph. Furthermore, "creatures" feels somewhat meh for an army of zombies and werewolves. How about "nightmarish creatures", "monsters" or something along those lines? In addition, I feel like these two sentences should be joined by some contrasting conjunction, such as "but". That is, "she begged Adrian not to seek revenge against humankind, but Dracula, enraged"... This particular wording might make it sound a little too much like a fairytale, but I think that period needs to be replaced by something that gives the reader less pause, to give this more energy.
Finally,
Alucard's immortality allowed him to thwart his father's plans each time he came back to life, and after every encounter, he exiled himself from the world, sleeping in a buried coffin.I think "Alucard's immortality has allowed him to" would sound better, as the fight is still on-going (as far as the reader can tell without spoilers). It follows, then, that "each time he came back to life" should be "each time he has come back to life". And perhaps "and after every encounter, exile himself from the world" would sound better - and this is also an ability he has his immortality to thank for, so it works in the sentence.
I think those are my final gripes.
- Actually, that last colon is correct because it's expanding upon how/why the struggle between the two is eternal. A semicolon is used before rephrasing something. It's a fine line between the two sometimes.Aww, I wasn't sure at all when I said that, but I couldn't pass up the chance to make horrible puns in two subsequent sentences.
-
Element 111 strikes again! Some of those points I have already made, but failed to motivate as clearly. Some I was about to make, but hadn't gotten around to. Most of them I agree with completely, but I have comments on a few:
Every time I read this, I mentally insert "of" to get "a kind of medicine woman". Stupid of me, I know, but I bet at least someone else out there is doing the same. Perhaps replace "kind" with "kindly" to dodge the issue.I do it too, every single time. I'm not sure 'kindly' means the same thing, however, and would prefer 'kindhearted' because it sounds more like a motherly trait than does 'kindly'.
The word 'humans' is still there in the bio, and it bothers me. Maybe it could be replaced by 'humankind' there so as to not repeat the word 'humanity' too many times.
Also, "his complete opposition to him" does sound better, but I still have trouble with the 'to', even though I know it's correct, and I'm wrong. It would sound so much better with 'of' instead (it's more common than 'against', at least), but that's personal preference, and I won't mention it again.
Either that, or you could go with "He has a large variety of powers at his disposal", which is what I think was meant by the original "disposes of a large variety of powers". I prefer 'commands' because it makes Alucard sound more powerful.How about, "He commands a large variety of powers:"?Otherwise I get the feeling that whenever the evil count (should that be capitalized, by the way?) rises, Adrian will merely post about it here on the forums.Hahahaha
It's almost like those people who like facebook statuses to cure cancer... certainly a newfangled way to fight vampires.Finally, the colon at the end looks to me as if it's moonlighting as a semicolon, but I could be very wrong.
-
Looks good enough to me. Thanks for sticking with it, Mirby.
I'm glad you understood.If we weren't both reasonable people and nitpicky bastards, we'd have no business being the editors.
We now have 4 outstanding, in-progress bios, plus Proto Man, which I'm claiming now.
-
It looks much better now. Thanks!How would the focus be on Matthew if he's only mentioned at the end, and even then it's just to show that Isaac is still around and that his legacy lives on within his son?In addition, I mentioned Jenna because she is a main character in the games and it would be weird to just say "along with the parents and brother of another."Sure, but the way the bio reads now, it looks as if it's all about Isaac and Garet; Jenna becomes nothing more than a name. You could write "along with family members of a close friend" - if that friend is never mentioned again, it matters little to the reader which friend, or which specific family members of that friend. The reader doesn't know about the revelations at Sol Sanctum, and this way you aren't misconstruing anything, just leaving out unnecessary detail.
Also I'm leaving it as "began studying" because it's short, it's concise, and that point is when they started to study the art. I see no issues with the tense given the facts around the situation.Here's the problem (present tense bolded, past tense italicized):
Raiders come to seek the truth in those tales, and in so doing trigger a trap which kills Isaac's father, along with the parents and brother of his friend Jenna. Isaac and his friend Garet run into the sole survivors of the raiding party while looking for help, and are promptly rendered unconscious. Feeling as if those they lost could have been saved had they been more skilled with Psynergy, Isaac and Garet began studying the art heavily over the next three years. At the insistence of their teacher, their studies lead them to Sol Sanctum, an ancient shrine dedicated to the sun that few may enter. Once they do, the group becomes part of events that could very well change them and the world they live in forever.I left some of this in normal print because "lead" could be either present or past tense, and the "Feeling as if" works either way. The problem here is, "began" is the only past tense verb in there (excepting subclauses), and you're writing in past tense about something that happens after something that you're using present tense for in the preceding sentence. So, everything happens now, except studying Psynergy, which has already happened. For comparison, "Isaac is a pretty slim guy. One day, Isaac goes for a huge burger. Because he likes burgers, he began eating one every day over the next three years. He then gets really fat." Change "began" for "begin" and that problem is solved.
Honestly, I'm not really happy with all this rephrasing because it seems misleading and inaccurate to what happens in the games.This is a valid concern, and you're right to bring it up, but I'm sure we can find ways to phrase things without losing accuracy. It's one of the things we're here for, after all.
As for the names of the elements, don't blame me. That's what they are in-game.Of course I'm not blaming you, and I apologize if I made it sound that way.
-
I'm hearing strange collisions in the lower spectrum, as if there's a broken chorus over the whole mix. Other than that, this is really nice.
Best ReMix title I've seen in a while, also.
-
earth (known as Venus), fire (Mars), wind (Jupiter), or water (Mercury)
Well, someone slept all the way through astronomy class
But I guess it makes sense from a mythological perspective. Anyway...Eons ago, the ancients deemed these powers too dangerous, and thus sealed them away using four jewels known as the Elemental Stars.Personally, I would prefer "and so they" over "and thus" in this context, but it's up to you.
Jenna is not mentioned again anywhere in the bio, so at this point, she's just a name that I would consider removing altogether.Raiders come to seek the truth in those tales, and in so doing trigger a trap which kills Isaac's father, along with the parents and brother of his friend Jenna.Isaac and Garet began studying the art heavily over the next three years.Mind the tense.
This strength is eventually passed on to his son, who is the main character of the third game, Dark Dawn. By this point, both Isaac and Garet have trained their children, Matthew and Tyrell respectively, in both Psynergy and more traditional weapons. These skills are of great aid to Matthew when he must start his own quest, one that takes him all over northern Weyard 30 years after father's famous journey.This is a little too much stuff focusing on Isaac's son rather than Isaac himself. It's as if everything you told us up until this point was just a background story for Matthew, and that he, rather than Isaac, was the protagonist all along.
-
Has anybody called dibs on Skullkid?
Not that I'm aware.
-
It's kind of odd to figure out the context though, because it's actually a huge spoiler for Crash of the Titans; last line of the game at that. Think there may need to be a bit of a debate over this xD
I didn't realize that was a spoiler. I guess that changes things. Shame though!
In spite of being enemies, there have been instances of Crash and Cortex working together throughout the series' progression, usually against a different foe.You mean "common", not "different", right? Or is there a reason you changed that word? Different from... what? With the word "different" there, it almost sounds as if when they're not working together against another foe, they're working together against... each other. Which, um. I...
his sister Coco, a much smarter bandicoot capable of hacking into Cortex's data systems and building many gadgets, including the virtual 'warp rooms' early on in the series' run;Moar comma, plz. I added one.
Crunch, an unrelated bandicoot who is obsessed with his fitness and strength;I think "who is" could be replaced by a comma as well.
a polar bear cub, a t-rex hatchling and a tiger cub.Group the cubs together. "a polar bear cub, a tiger cub, and a t-rex hatchling" works better.
his sister Coco and friend Crunch.They were already introduced, so leave it at "Coco and Crunch".
The original Crash title was critically acclaimed for their 3D-on-rails game design"acclaimed for its", right? Or "Crash titles were".
brought back into future Western releases, including Crash's signature victory dance and the recurring joke character Fake Crash.Comma added, for great justice.
-
Welcome back, Rexy! The Crash bio is a little long, I think. There's a lot more on his personality now, which is a great improvement, but there's still too much technical data in there, and there are several sentences that read like "A, info about A; B, info about B; C, info about C" or sentences that read more like lists than actual language.
but even then his speech is completely garbled and unintelligible (give or take the exclamation of "Pancakes!", but that's about it).Ha ha! I never played the games, but from what I can tell, I like this guy. I think this quote belongs in the bio much more than information about technical achievements on the PS1.
-
Novareaper, this is the list of names in the first paragraph alone (and for all I know I could have missed a handful of them when counting):
- Marth
- Altea
- Akaneia
- Anri
- Falchion
- Shadow Dragon, Medeus
- Gra
- Elice
- Talys
- Caeda
- Pontifex Gharnef
- Dolhr
- Jagen
- Aurelian
- Hardin
The point of a bio is not to cram as much information as possible into as few words as possible, or to sum up the entire story around a character, but to give us an introduction to a character we are not familiar with (project guidelines here - please read them). Reduce the list of names, cut out the unimportant facts and the spoilers, and give us an introduction. I'm not familiar with the Fire Emblem storyline, but I would imagine the flight to Talys would be a good point in the story to stop, instead of telling what looks to me like the entire storyline. There's also no information at all about Marth's personality or skills.
- Marth
-
Dafydd, could you help me out a bit? I'm sure you see some archaic sentence structures and info ambiguities that irk you while I take my inherent English for granted.
I'm sorry, dude - as happy as I am to see this project come back to life, it really couldn't have come at a worse time for me. Thursday is a national holiday though, so I'll be back with some more feedback then.
Alucard:
"son of the evil Count Dracula and Lisa, a kind medicine woman, and" This does not read well. I tried "son of the evil Count Dracula and a kind medicine woman, Lisa" but that also didn't sound very good.
"and raised in the respect of humans" -> "and raised to respect human beings", maybe? Not sure how to fit it together with the previous phrase. Maybe a better solution is "son of the evil Count Dracula, and of Lisa, a kind medicine woman(,) who raised him to respect human beings." I'm assuming here that Dracula didn't help foster this attitude, but I could be mistaken. The parenthesized comma I need some input on, because I'm not sure it belongs there.
"One fateful night, villagers accused Lisa of witchcraft. Sentenced to death, Lisa told Alucard not to seek revenge against humans just before being executed in front of him" would perhaps sound better as "One fateful night, villagers accused Lisa of witchcraft, and sentenced her to death. Just before being executed in front of Adrian, she told him not to seek revenge against humankind". I'm not completely happy about this wording either, but I think it flows better. Instead of "told him not to" you might want "begged" or "urged". "Humans" should probably replaced by "humankind" or "humanity" here and elsewhere in the bio. Also, it makes no sense to refer to him as Alucard before you explain the name in the next sentence, so go with Adrian here.
"to show his opposition to his father"... I could have sworn that should be "opposition against", but Google tells me "opposition to" is 10 times as common. English is so weird sometimes.
"As a supernatural being," sounds like Alucard is only supernatural some of the time, but I could be wrong. "Being supernatural," also doesn't sound right, and for similar reasons. "Being a supernatural being,"... Nope. Maybe "A supernatural being,"?
Polo: "shapeshifting into a wolf, a bat or even a cloud of mist" - shouldn't it be "a bat, or even"? I'm asking because I'm not sure (but it should be analogous to the sentence below).
"strength, speed and resistance" -> "strength, speed, and resistance". But resistance to what? Injury? Pain? Urges? Subliminal advertising? Maybe it doesn't need to be specified after all.
"mostly because of his cursed blood." So... what are the other reasons? I think "partly" is preferable to "mostly" unless you motivate why his blood is a more important factor than others.
"He even exiled himself from the world following Dracula's first death." That does sound like a cold person, yeah. But how does one "exile himself from the world"? Did he sleep in a coffin in orbit, or what?
"Alucard may appear as a lonely person but withholds his emotions, as he never really got over his mother's death." So, A but B, because C... But how do you appear to be a lonely person if you don't show any emotions? Or, which emotions is he withholding? Is he afraid of making friends because he might lose them, as he did his mother? I'm not really following.
I can't help it, but "the lack of Belmont" made my day
I'm seeing vivid images of "NEEDS MOAR BELMONT" comments appearing in Castlevania remix judges decision threads in a near future. How would you translate "l'absence d'un Belmont" compared to "l'absence de Belmont" anyway? I think the latter phrase sounds like something you'd say about cheese at a dinner party or something, but even then I think "l'absence du Belmont" sounds more correct. I never was very good at French, though. Moving on...To elaborate on what Polo said, that last paragraph sounds strange, as if you're just throwing in random facts before you have to stop writing. The last sentence in particular sounds like a piece of trivia that we might as well leave out.
Sorry guys, that's all I had time for tonight. Be back soon.
-
Sorry for the wait.
and whose empress is obsessed with controlling all she sees.Normally, I don't like the word 'that', but I think "all that she sees" would give this better rhythm.
On a side note, "what mysteries can be found" doesn't sound right to my ears (but yes, it too gets thousands of hits on google). Are mysteries found? "I found a mystery in the fridge...". I dunno. Not telling you to change the bio, just thinking out loud.
A less easily fixed gripe I have with this, though, is some of the structure.
Vyse serves with his father's band of pirates,But Vyse has always desired to explore more than just the area near his home.The primary targets of Vyse and his fellow Blue Rogues are the forces of the Valuan Empire.Vyse and Aika find their worldview thrown for a loop when they meet Fina, a mysterious girl from a remote land.I feel that the part about Vyse's desire to explore distant lands needs to come after introducing us to his enemies, if, as it seems, these enemies are what's for lunch every day. His dreams of adventure feel disconnected from the paragraph about Fina, I think. Maybe fixing this is as easy as moving that sentence to the end of the third paragraph instead of the second, but maybe you have a better idea.
-
Yeah. It shouldn't be more towards the uninitiated - the article is for them. See the guidelines: http://ocremix.org/info/Mascot_Project_FAQ_and_Guidelines
I don't think the initiated need an introduction to Pikachu anyway.
-
Valid points
I agree fully with all of this, except that thing about qualms, which I don't dismiss, but feel less sure about.
Ash sucks any way so fuck him.I'd substitute "any way" for "anyway" to... ok I'm kidding
I'll leave you to polishing that rough draft before going into too much detail with it, but I will say I think you're taking a bit of knowledge for granted here. Speed stat? Non-Legendary? Non-Starter? Electric-type?
-
I think I'll just end it with a generic conclusion like "With the powers granted to her, Amaterasu sets out to save Nippon from evil".
That feels like a more natural ending, yeah. I'm sure you'll work something out.
-
When the land of Nippon is once again shrouded in darkness brought upon by the fearsome demon Orochi, the tree spirit Sakuya, in desperation, summons the great Sun Goddess Ōkami Amaterasu.
This very first sentence is a little long. It's not really a problem though, and I can't think of a way to break it up without breaking the flow, but you're welcome to try.
Joined by a wandering artist named Issun, Amaterasu carries the Celestial BrushIs there a connection between the event of her being joined by Issun and her carrying the brush? Otherwise, perhaps "accompanied" would work better than "joined".
the land. As the landTry to find a way to avoid this repetition of "the land".
As the land learns of her benevolent deeds, more people offer praise to her, which enhances her divine powers.It's not like there's a rule that bios should end with cliffhangers, but this last sentence felt like a very abrupt end.
- Yeah, his second quote is probably the best of the bunch for the terms of the bio. I prefer the Impossible quote just because of how badass it is, but I'll concede that one.
I like the first one better because it has more of an attitude, but, again, the choice is yours. Pick whichever one you think better describes the character.
Vyse serves with his father's band of pirates, and he is dangerous on the battlefield thanks to his skills with twin cutlasses."dangerous on the battlefield" gets 297 000 hits on google? Really? Saying a fighter is "dangerous on the battlefield" is like saying an airplane is "flying in the air". How do you feel about "fearsome" or something?
-
No deal is too small for the editors of the mascot bio project!
*superhero pose*
-
I'm just posting the thing in its entirety again, just to make sure we get it right, and so it's all... on the same page.
YEEEEAAAAAHHHH
Totakeke, or K.K. Slider as he is more commonly known, is a rather relaxed canine musician who wanders the world of Animal Crossing. Every Saturday night, he'll show up in the player's town, ready to give a free concert for the townsfolk to come to. He doesn't mind playing a random track, but a song can be requested by name from his repertoire and he'll start playing it, no questions asked. He'll even give the player a copy of the song for them to play on their home radio afterwards, free of charge.K.K. Slider has a few hidden songs in his setlist, and they can only be played if asked for by name. However, if a request is made for a song that's not in his setlist, he'll say he doesn't know that song and will play a random background jingle. Sometimes, he'll elaborate upon these songs in a future Animal Crossing game, turning them into full-fledged K.K. Slider classics. But no matter how much he's begged and pleaded with to play "Free Bird," it will all be in vain, just like at a real concert.
Although very little is known about his past, it's presumed that he has spent quite a bit of time perfecting his art; naturally, he is talented at a variety of musical styles, and can even be seen trading in his trademark guitar for a set of turntables (and some glasses) in Animal Crossing: New Leaf. What he does when he's not on stage playing music isn't known for certain, but he's probably out there somewhere, working on his next big hit. Even though his library consists of several dozen well-loved songs, there's always room in his setlist for one more great jam.
I still don't get the semicolon in the beginning of the last paragraph, but that's apparently just me, so forget it.
Mirby - thank you so much for not giving up on this, and thanks to everyone else who helped. I also applaud you for insisting on keeping the Free Bird joke.
-
I am unfamiliar with it.
So am I, but like I said in post #1440, I recognize I'm probably in the vast minority. The issue from the start was never the joke itself, or that we can't have jokes in the bios or something, but that I didn't realize that everyone but me (and you, apparently) got it.
OCR Mascot Bios - 20 more up for grabs!
in Projects
Posted · Edited by Dafydd
@Arrow: I'm sorry for the delay. I've been trying to pin down exactly what it is that bothers me about the bio before commenting on it, and it's been difficult, but I've finally been able to put it into words. It's too... factual. It reads like this: "Fact. Fact. Fact. Fact. Fact, modifier. Fact.", where "Fact" is a sentence that reads "X is/does Y". It feels dead, and I'm sure we're to blame for it, having forced you to try to please us.
The first paragraph is absolutely fine, but the rest doesn't read like natural language, it's just... a bunch of facts. I'm sorry I can't explain this more clearly, but here's an example: compare " Using Moon Stone-powered ships, people sail through the skies to trade, fish, and make a living" to "People sail through the skies to trade, fish, and make a living using Moon Stone-powered ships." The former is typical of story-telling, while the latter sounds more like something from a physics test, to be blunt.
Do try to give this more life by changed up the sentence structures a little more. Not every single sentence should or needs to read as the former example above, but I think you can and want to inject a little more vivacity - it is a fairytale you're telling, after all.
And yeah, you can definitely put the two last paragraphs together into one.
@Mirby: I think you're assuming a bit too much familiarity with the Mega Man universe. Try to make Proto Man's bio a little more independent of any prior knowledge of other characters, without repeating too much from the other bios.
@Polo: I wasn't sure how to interpret "flexible imagination", but keep it anyway. Also, what do you mean by "growing big"? Recovering from the effects of being shot by the gun, or hitting the weights? In the former case, I think it sounds a little awkward. Also, I think I prefer "one of which, Sunny Funny, is the flower of his affections", but the two wordings don't really mean the same thing, and I think you know best which one is more accurate.
"For the player, this equates to tapping the right buttons in tune with the beat, and "freestyling" (pressing buttons at extra moments to expand the beat) ups the number of points received and can unlock bonus content" is hard to read with that parenthesis there, disconnecting "ups" from "freestyling", so I suggest ""freestyling" (pressing buttons at extra moments to expand the beat) to up the number of points received and to unlock bonus content" or similar, adjusted for accuracy.
@The Damned: It's much, much better, but there's still a few things left unexplained here. There are trainers? They have teams? Also, and more importantly, it's my understanding that "Pikachu" both refers to a specific Pikachu (as you did in the first paragraph) and the species as a whole (as you did in the rest of the bio), and I think this should be explained somehow in your bio.