Polo

Hm. Now I understand why you were okay with Link being referred to as the Hero of Time in the Skull Kid's bio (it hints at his vitality to the Zelda series). Then I guess when referring to Samus in Kraid and Ridley's bios, the wording could be something like: "he attacks the protagonist, Samus, by..." in the former and "grips bounty hunter Samus Aran in his claws..." in the latter. If you're okay with those adjustments, you can make the edits yourself. Okie dokie. PaRappa's now uploaded, that crazy son of a bitch. Pikachu: Looks like you missed these notes. Or do you disagree with them for some reason? - Since Pikachu's attack types are Electric (capitalized), it looks like you can also capitalize "electric" in the 2nd paragraph. - "live-long" --> lifelong - The last two paragraphs look like they can act as one, since both talk about Trainers taming Pikachu. Yeah, I think in terms of mascot basics, the paragraph about Pikachu's diet feels like the odd one out (fun read, though). And about capitals - yes Dafydd, Pikachu (capital P) refers to both the ones found in the wild and the one officially named that in the anime; creatures are also called Pokémon with a capital P like the series; and you Google stuff when you use that specific search engine. It's just the concensus; lowercasing those words feels unnatural to most. Actually, now that it's brought to my attention, every mention of "skull kid" in Darklink42's bio should instead be "Skull Kid" (capitals) because that's what Google and the reference links use.

Update of PaRappa's bio in its entirety (replaced "flexible" with "wild"): Any other comments or concerns welcome.

Servbot#36 - Thanks for the info. Amazing how I missed that. I went ahead and cut "web-shooters" from the list of abilities Peter Parker initially gets. I wasn't sure how to fit in that iconic tool otherwise, but I think the bio still reads strongly without it. Dafydd - I see what you're saying re character focus in a bio. Every bio should put the mascot talked about front and center rather than being described as a "reactionary" character, even if they're relatively minor in-universe. (And personally, I don't think you need to add "the protagonist" when referring to Samus in Kraid and Ridley's bios, since they both link to her bio, and that one talks about her role as the protagonist of the Metroid series. That should work.) Skull Kid: Looks much better. My only notes are: - "an impish race that live within the mysterious Lost Woods" --> My brain keeps adding "of (something)" after the word "race" (it feels incomplete as-is). Maybe that "something" can be "creatures," or you can say "skull kids are impish creatures/beings/whatever that live..." (Just don't say "children" because that appears in a later sentence, and you already say "kid" enough times.) - A little repetitious to say that Tatl believes Majora's Mask "possessed" the Skull Kid when earlier you say it subtly takes control of him. Maybe you can say the mask "completely" possessed him to offset the initial "slight" control, or: "She believes that the mask enhanced the anger and loneliness he felt..." (you can keep "forest imp" in there if you want) Everything else reads clearly enough. Proto Man: Here's some examples of how you successfully added your own voice to the info: + When going over Proto Man's conflict between allying with Light or Wily, you complete the dynamic by stating that the doctors are still fighting with each other, showing why he can't easily choose one. + "These facets of his appearance work collectively to uphold the aura of coolness he continually projects." You take those details and add an objective commentary on what they do and how they shape his character and solitude. + The last sentence (fragment): "after all, isn't that his duty as the older brother?" A heartwarming angle on Proto/Mega Man's relationship. Now, not to make you bristle, but there's still some strong similarities between your first MMN source and your bio. When talking about Proto Man's origin and appearance, both articles contain the following facts, in order: Origin: before Proto Man's completion, power generator issue -> Proto Man "misunderstands" -> ID destruction fear + lab flee -> Proto Man stays alone while core degenerates -> right before total failure, Dr. Wily finds him -> replaces solar power with atomic -> battle readiness also built in Appearance: shades from Dr. Wily -> "hide his identity" purpose -> yellow scarf -> whistling "to announce his arrival" -> brown hair -> style = pompadour It's not a dealbreaker if you take just a handful of phrasings from 1 or 2 sources and put 'em in a bio. Here, you have a lot because you're following the general arrangement/order of ideas of the first reference link too closely. One reason we cite sources is because they're meant to offer more in-depth analyses and perspectives on the mascots, i.e. further reading beyond these introductory bios. If your wording is too close to one or more outside references, you might as well just link those and be done with it. But we don't do that. If you're mostly using one source because the info it gives is the most comprehensive or well-written you've come across, I can understand you wanting to honor it in some way. But when writing a mascot bio, you have to synthesize the info you glean and express it in your own manner (a set pool of facts, a different sequence, a unique play on words, etc.). Let the references speak for themselves. Here's what you can do to branch out: - Find 2 or 3 more sources about Proto Man, on different sites, with different (or at least more varied) info, with an emphasis on text to relate the info (pictures and even an interactive Flash presentation may be acceptable). We don't discard citing instruction manuals, either. - You can look for other ways to introduce Proto Man besides from the very beginning and step by step. You can describe him as a vigilante with mysterious origins and whose alliance is never certain. If you find that's too "vague" a path to take, you could drop facts or hints pertaining to his origins and actions, like: "Proto Man comes and goes like the wind. [...] What few realize is that he is torn between two personal saviors, who are constantly at war with each other." In the second paragraph, you already sprinkle a few of his past actions here and there (fighting Mega Man as Break Man, saving Kalinka), which shows what he's capable of and colors the impact of his appearances. It's also possible to truncate facts to their essences without giving false information. Tricky, but possible. This is a step in the right direction. I urge you to take another.

Dafydd - Re the "flexible" imagination bit, I'm thinking maybe "wild" or "trippy" would work better. Here's a few clips to help you understand how his brain works: Ahhh, I see now. Hard subtlety to spot. But anyway... Skull Kid: - The first sentence assumes the reader already knows about Majora's Mask (yes, I know the "Pictured from" line appears above the bio section in a Wiki'ed article, but it's just a title rather than an explanation to those not in the know) AND it feels like it's dragging the reader away from an interesting premise: "He had a critical, awesome role in one game, but let's go back to his roots." (Starting a bio with "Although" feels kind of bait-and-switch-y anyway.) Looks like you'll have to start with the second sentence and mention Ocarina of Time in there (and leave the Majora's Mask title for later). - Yeah, a prequel is a later installment that takes place chronologically earlier in a series. Fix plz. - "formed from children" --> This reads like skull kids are physically molded from raw materials. Lost childen become skull kids without being broken apart and reassembled, right? - "when brought into contact with adults" --> Try "when they come into contact" so you don't suggest they approach adults either on their own or by being dragged to one (only when Adult Link approaches them do they get violent). - "child-like" --> childlike (no hyphen needed) - "towards" --> I'm pretty sure "towards" is British English and "toward" is American English. - "The Skull Kid would make friends with Link" --> Change "would make" to "made" to stick with the past tense brought over from the previous sentence. - "during the hero’s childhood" --> Cut this because 1) it's a second "during" in the same sentence and 2) a reader would intuit that Adult Link would not get along with the Skull Kid based on what's mentioned earlier. - "trading music and masks" --> You can keep this, but I imagine the sentence this is in would read better as "The Skull Kid and Link became friends..." or "[They] formed a friendship..." or similar, so both parties can be on mutual ground of the give-and-take dynamic (the former gives music, the latter gives a mask). - "near the entrance to the Lost Woods" --> Li'l extraneous tidbit. You already establish skull kids inhabit the Lost Woods, and the musical jam is what counts. - "alien reality closely related to his own: Termina" --> "alien world" or "alternate world" would read more succinctly - "great evil and mischief" --> Okay, REALLY nitpicky, but "mischief" here feels almost laughable 1) when it follows "evil" and 2) because you already say "mischievous" in the previous paragraph. I know, "mischief" and "mischievous" aren't exactly words you hear every day, but that makes their repeated inclusion all the more noticeable. Maybe "trickery" would be a more effective choice. - "making him more evil" --> Another mention of "evil" after the first, plus you already say he and his kind aren't evil, just mischievous. *headache* I know the mask controls his will. Any way you can fit that in? ("changes the Skull Kid" --> "takes control of [him]"?) - "drag the moon from the sky above Termina in order to destroy the world" --> Does he drag it ACROSS the sky? :/ (Say "drag down.") Also, you can better establish the name of the parallel world via "in order to destroy Termina, the alien world." - "stealing his possessions and later transforming him" --> "stealing his possessions, and later transforms him" (to piece together the ambush+theft, and then add a following sin) - "retains a different theory. She believes" --> Personally, I think: "holds," "has," or "maintains" > "retains"; "perspective" or "viewpoint" > "theory"; and colon > period - Re Dafydd's thoughts, I actually don't think Link is given too much attention here, but I do agree that the last sentence draws focus away from the Skull Kid. You can try ending on the idea that all he wants is a friend. That could help tie together his remaining humanity.

I think you can use the Bulbapedia page on Pokémon Yellow. It's not identical to the Wikipedia version or the Pikachu page you cited, and it talks about Pikachu's influence as a starter Pokémon and whatnot.

"Flexible" in this case was my way of saying "vivid" (would you rather I said that to be clear? or is "vivid imagination" too trite?). Yeah, by "growing big," I meant "returning to normal size." Fixed. Technically, both Sunny Funny wordings do mean the same thing. But your version makes a more solid connection, whereas I introduced her name as an afterthought. Wouldn't have thought of it that way. I changed the wording here, plus I replaced "her" with "Sunny's" in the next sentence so she wouldn't get lost in the distance since her last mention. Okay, that works. Proto Man: First, you throw out details that you assume the reader should already know before you establish them proper: - "his intentions were misunderstood" --> Who misunderstood his intentions? Dr. Wily? The public? It's not clear until the next sentence. - "As time went by, Proto Man" --> Out of the blue, this could be a new character unrelated to what was just spelled out. Gotta link it clearly with "The robot, known as Proto Man" or similar. - "Right as his power generator was about to cease altogether" --> So is this the flaw? If these are not the same thing, you might want to truncate the whole flaw thing to being a misunderstanding over Proto Man's programming, or whatever it was about his "individuality" he didn't want altered. - "replaced the solar-based generator with one that relied on atomic energy" --> Not only is the solar/atomic bit not mentioned earlier, but this by itself seems largely irrelevant. I don't remember any games placing great emphasis on the fact that characters' shots are solar/atomic energy-based (but that's just me). Second, issues with repetition: - "created" - twice in the first sentence - "robot" - close together (1st and 2nd sentences) - "little brother Mega Man" - twice near the end (not to mention saying "little brother" or "Mega Man" twice within short reading distance would be boring) - "to be" - twice in the last sentence (usually you want to avoid saying this to stay in the active voice rather than passive) - "naive" and "naivete" in the last sentence Either you're telling yourself repeatedly what you're writing so you don't lose your flow of ideas, or you're too much in a hurry to review your work very carefully. (That's the impression I'm getting.) Other nitpicks: - "Long before Mega Man" --> "Before" works just fine. (Proto Man's not a grandfatherly older brother, is he?) - "Dr. Thomas Light had created another robot" --> I know it's clear that Mega Man isn't the only robot Dr. Light constructed, but "another" should probably be changed to "a different" or "a prototype" or something, if only because saying "another" as a starting/primary unit sounds weird. - Cut "However" in the second sentence, since there's no contradictory thought as you describe the construction of Proto Man. (Also a good idea to say "as" instead of "while") - "He wanted to fix it" --> I think it's a given that when a robot scientist notices a flaw, of course he wants to fix it rather than let it go unchecked. - "As time went by" --> No need for these words; it should be obvious when one learns that Proto Man isolated himself. - "Right as his power generator was about to cease" --> I know this is already correct, but I'd go with "Just as his..." or "When his power generator was about to cease..." - "the evil Dr. Wily" --> "Dr. Albert Wily" (This is to keep with the full name introduction, like with Dr. Thomas Light, and because what immediately follows doesn't verify that Wily is in fact evil. I mean, he saves Proto Man's life.) - "Wily found him" --> I thought Proto Man was living in isolation. Did Wily explore the great outdoors for fun and just happen upon him? (Probably too nitpicky.) - "the trademark black shades" --> "his trademark black shades" - "hide his true identity as a creation of Dr. Light" --> Would read more succinctly as "hide his true identity FROM Dr. Light" - "saves his little brother's life" --> "saved" (to keep with the past tense); also, cut "little brother" until you establish at some point that's how Proto Man sees/treats Mega Man (or you can put "little brother" in quotations). - "he also has the Proto Shield, which balances out the weaknesses of his atomic energy core" --> The way this reads, it's as if the shield is part and parcel of his energy core, not a way to protect himself after expending a lot of energy. - "recently obtained" --> In regards to what time frame, exactly? Do you mean the Proto Coil+Jet are some of his newer/more advanced tools? - "create an air of coolness" --> Try "emit" or "project" (because he doesn't just keep the coolness to himself). - "which his trademark yellow scarf and shades help with" --> "with his trademark scarf and shades" (and cut the preceding comma) - "it's likely that the cool guy persona was created as a reference to his Japanese name, Blues" --> So is this fact or fiction? (The word "likely" is throwing me off.) - "it allows him to enjoy his individuality much more" --> Who doesn't enjoy their own individuality? Would it be better, you think, to say he admires and preserves his personal strengths or something? - "He also has internal conflict" --> This sounds passive and unimportant, like having conflict is an everyday item that can be tossed aside at a moment's notice. Saying he "feels conflicted," however, puts us more in his shoes to understand why he's split between allying with Light or Wily. And a major note: I checked the sources you used and saw you plucked a number of phrases almost word-for-word, especially in your second paragraph. Yes, it's important that we verify where you got your information, but don't just copy what you find without making sure that what you use works within the context of the introduction you set forth. You gotta make a mascot bio your own. Be economic with your words. Organize your ideas in a creative manner. Right now, you seem kind of entrenched in the notetaking phase. Pikachu: - "books to sticker to clothing" --> stickers - "crashed down upon an enemy" --> crashes - "so strong, that" --> You can cut the comma here (it won't sound weird without it) - "they may inadvertently cause thunderstorms" --> Saying "they can" helps show that Pikachu-made thunderstorms are a possibility rather than speculation. - "power generating" --> "power-generating" (hyphen) - In the last paragraph: -- "cheeks" --> "circles" or "marks" (Saying "cheeks on a face" is a little redundant) -- "Pikachu's" --> "one's" or "its" (just so you don't say Pikachu twice in the same sentence) -- "face. They" --> "face: they" (the second sentence can work as part of the first using a colon to describe the mystery behind the red marks) -- "vasts amounts" --> vast amounts -- This paragraph, and especially the last sentence, suddenly sounds like a player's guide section in tone ("if you want to catch and train a Pikachu, here's what you must do..."). Keep this section in the same point of view as everything before. - Just to clarify, when I said bios require at least 2 sources, one should be a different page rather than a subsection of another. You can link to a game Pikachu appears in (like Pokémon Yellow), or a Pokémon page on Wikipedia, or a Bulbapedia article talking about where Pikachu are most often found in, or...

PaRappa "P to the A to the R to the A, PaRappa's the name. I rap everyday!" Article by: Polo Pictured from: PlayStation All-Stars Battle Royale Created by: Masaya Matsuura, NanaOn-Sha First appearance: 1996 Bio The PaRappa series is a melting pot of contrasting elements: paper-thin characters inhabit a 3-D world, and the storyline zigzags between common and unusual situations. In this setting lives the eponymous PaRappa, a rapping dog with a flexible imagination and an optimistic drive. He spends his days hanging out with his anthropomorphic friends, one of which, Sunny Funny, is the flower of his affections. In the first game, he competes with his rival Joe Chin to win Sunny's heart, and in the second game, he takes on many unrelated jobs in an effort to stop a noodle fanatic. What strings this all together, and has influenced subsequent rhythm games, is the series' core gameplay element: the rapping sessions. To solve whatever problem the story puts forth, PaRappa faces off against a teacher or rival (sometimes they're the same) in a Simon Says-like duel of words and actions. Through alternating turns, the latter raps a line, and then the former repeats it, sometimes putting his own spin on the lyric. For the player, this equates to tapping the right buttons in tune with the beat, and "freestyling" (pressing buttons at extra moments to expand the beat) to up the number of points received and to unlock bonus content. Not surprisingly, many characters get in on the rapping craze. At the Fruites Dojo, Chop Chop Master Onion schools PaRappa in the art of karate. At Club Fun, MC King Kong Mushi hands him the floor to bust out his own danceable rhymes for the audience. Whether he's moving to the front of the line outside a public restroom, returning to normal size after getting shrunk by his father's shrink ray gun, or baking a cake for Sunny Funny's birthday, PaRappa raps to the rhythm of the story as smoothly as he follows the beat of his own heart, uttering his catch phrase, "I gotta believe!" Selected game appearances === PlayStation === PaRappa the Rapper (1996) UmJammer Lammy (1999) === PlayStation 2 === PaRappa the Rapper 2 (2001) === PlayStation 3 === PlayStation All-Stars Battle Royale (2012) References Wikipedia - "PaRappa the Rapper" Wikipedia - "PaRappa the Rapper 2" PlayStation All-Stars Wiki - "PaRappa" GameFAQs: PaRappa the Rapper (PS) FAQ/Walkthrough by Ryouga Wikipedia - "List of PaRappa the Rapper characters"

Yeah, sorry for not mentioning it right away, but I made the change to "Unfortunately" myself before uploading Alucard's bio. The first "however" ("in a fit of rage, however") is necessary after the semicolon to validate/finish the contrasting thought, and the one in the last sentence of the first paragraph is far enough to not sound my "repetition alarm." Thanks for sticking with us, Chernabogue. My two cents on Vyse: - It seems like saying his heart is "full of curiosity," while true, is almost a direct contradiction to the "pirate life" sentences that follow (his eyes are wide at the wonders of the world while cutting people down with cutlasses). Maybe if you added another adjectival noun or two, they could act as a buffer to ease the transition to his daily actions, like: "a heart full of curiosity, eagerness, and resolution." Or maybe "a heart full of curiosity and a firm resolve." Something like that. - I think the 2nd and 3rd paragraphs can be combined, since it's a small step from describing Vyse and Aika's fighting prowess to revealing who they use it against, but "The primary targets of Vyse and his fellow Blue Rogues" should probably be reworded to fit within the paragraph rather than feel like a separate starter. Perhaps: "Their primary targets include..." Dafydd might have different opinions, though.

So the result(s) would then be: A semicolon can work as a contrast setup without ending the sentence prematurely. If we keep it as "however, Dracula, enraged," it feels like one too many pauses. I'm also thinking the next "However" should be changed to "Unfortunately" to avoid repeating the word and to give a little more weight to Alucard's burdens. Yeah, declare war on works. Dunno how that slipped by me. These adjustments OK?

*claps* Solid work, Chernabogue. I approve. What say you, Mr. Hesselbom?

Just to add to the others' notes about Alucard... - I don't think Lisa's ever referred to as Dracula's bride. To make the "Lisa = evil and kind" bit unambiguous, perhaps "the evil" before "Count Dracula" should be omitted. "Evil" comes up twice later in the bio after it's established that the Count is waging war with humans/humanity/humankind, so those mentions are justified. - "not to seek revenge against humans" --> I'm guessing this iteration of "humans" could benefit from being changed to "humankind" per Dafydd's suggestion. - Actually, that last colon is correct because it's expanding upon how/why the struggle between the two is eternal. A semicolon is used before rephrasing something. It's a fine line between the two sometimes. - Yes, Count should be capitalized when referring to Drac.

Much clearer. I especially like how you added "At the insistence of their teacher" to stick with the essentials. I know our advice isn't perfect (partly because we don't know the history of every mascot added), so clarifications on why you keep some details in your drafts can (as Dafydd says) help us come up with ways to integrate said info without losing focus. This looks ready for the OCRWiki. Any lingering doubts, my fellow editor?

Ace Card: - To help you better connect Alucard's personality to his history, try rewording the sentences after "left his father's fortress" like so: "However, his cursed blood constantly reminds him of his direct affiliation to Dracula, and he never got over his mother's death. As a result, Alucard is cold and distant with other people, hiding his emotions behind his lonely facade." This way you 1) shift the focus smoothly from past to personality, 2) illustrate the effects of the former on the latter more clearly, and 3) combine the parts of Alucard's relationships to others into the same sentence. You also want to establish the feud/eternal battle between father and son once and clearly, so the idea about him exiling himself from the world might work later on (see below). - "dark spells allowing him" --> "casting dark spells that allow him" (in lists like these, starting each item with a verb [not just having the same verb tense] helps) - "However, he's determined, leaves nothing to chance..." --> Lift this sentence out of the way so you can bridge the gap between describing Alucard's powers and when he uses them. (Also, cut "numerous" from that sentence because you already say "large variety [of powers].") - After "who declared war against humanity," you can add the bit about Alucard sealing himself away like this: "Alucard's immortality allowed him to thwart Dracula's plans each time he came back to life, and after every encounter, he exiled himself from the world, sleeping in a buried coffin." (You don't need to specify the 300-year span because Dracula's return cycles aren't fixed.) - "The struggle between Dracula and Alucard is eternal." --> For variety, instead of "Dracula and Alucard," try "the father and son" or "the two vampires" or something. THEN you can add that sentence lifted earlier: "However, Alucard is determined, leaves nothing to chance, and will do everything that is needed to defeat his evil father." ("and other threats" doesn't have a reason to be here now) - Unfortunately, it seems like Alucard's role as Genya Arikado doesn't hold its own within the context, as it feels more and more like an afterthought. (It is, after all, linked to the spoiler that Dracula's defeated once and for all.) So that sentence will have to go. Sorry. So yeah, the ideas were there, and they were strong. They just needed the right glue in the right places. Eye Sack: - "along with the parents and brother of his friend Jenna" --> Considering Dafydd's concern, maybe "and other villagers" would cover the other unfortunate victims. Mind the tense. Do you mean "began to study"? Or "set themselves to studying (over the years)"? - Perhaps to shorten the emphasis on Matthew, you can try: "His strengths are eventually passed on to his son, who embarks on his own quest in the third game, Dark Dawn." Leaving it as "passed on" can imply either heredity or hands-on training while saving on words. Saying he's the main character may be a little redundant when you consider that he's Isaac's son, and Isaac was a main character himself. *shrug* Crashed Banned Cooties: I agree with everything Dafydd brought up, except: I think "who is" could be replaced by a comma as well. Instead of a comma, I think adding "own" after "his" would help keep the meaning the way it's meant to be. Observe the truncated versions: "Crash is often joined by Crunch, an unrelated bandicoot obsessed with his fitness and strength" --> Could be either Crash's fitness and strength Crunch is obsessed with or his own. "Crash is often joined by Crunch, an unrelated bandicoot, obsessed with his fitness and strength" --> Crash is joined by someone, but he himself (Crash) is obsessed with his body. "Crash is often joined by Crunch, an unrelated bandicoot obsessed with his own fitness and strength" --> Clear enough, methinks.

Eyes + tack - T: Because there's lots of ongoing descriptions in the narrative side of the bio, my main notes this time 'round are to cut the more fanciful prose and succinctify the essentials. Observe: - "using the power of Alchemy to utilize the art of Psynergy" --> "using the powers of Alchemy and Psynergy" I understand they're both distinct and important in the Golden Sun games, but I'd rather we avoid piling on the technicalities of these metaphysical forces to give readers a break. (I also read that Psynergy controls Alchemy, not vice versa, but that's a moot point.) - "As time went on, the story of Alchemy's sealing [...] a raiding party decides to seek the truth in those tales." --> "The effects of this lost legend resurface centuries later in a mountain village called Vale, and life quickly changes for a young Venus Adept named Isaac." This way you establish early on that he's a Venus Adept (its absence in this draft makes his sudden Psynergy aptitude and the start of the third paragraph jarring) and you can mention the tragedies & quest beginnings in the next paragraph. - You can simplify the raiders' actions by saying they try to gain access to the mountain to discover a secret linked to the lost legend in one sentence (to pay off the mystery in the previous sentence), and then note the effects of their deeds (Isaac's father and others lost, Isaac defeated in battle) in another sentence. Then cue the blame and teen wangst and study time. Each sentence will have a specific focus to resonate more powerfully. - "One seemingly average day [...] the group becomes part of events" --> "Their studies lead them and another friend to Sol Sanctum, a sacred shrine dedicated to the sun that few may enter. Once they do, the group becomes part of a series of events that may change them and the world they live in forever." Kraden's role is already tied up in this without needing to be mentioned directly (he's a scholar who supports Isaac and Garet in their endeavors), there's no need to say "one day" (or a variant) after the three-year time skip, and "few may enter" is enigmatic but informative enough without bringing up the village elders. - "Isaac is a very resolute individual" --> Nitpick: cut "very" since being called resolute should be enough of a clue to his integrity, and because you say "very" again in the next sentence. (Watch out for those word repeats.) - "By this point, both Isaac and Garet have taken up residence [...] Isaac helped to train the kids in both the arts of Psynergy and of battling with more traditional weapons" --> "By this point, Isaac and Garet have trained their children, Matthew and Tyrell respectively, in the arts of Psynergy and of using traditional weapons" The mountain cabin and Mt. Aleph work as offhand sensory venues, but they don't hold much weight compared to the fact that Isaac and Garet pass on their skills to their sons. (You can also cut the first iteration of Matthew's name [previous sentence] so you don't have to say it twice so soon.) - "across the land and to the very edge of the world" --> Care to pick one of these? How far does Matthew go? Backwards Dracula: I agree with much of what Dafydd has to say. To add to his advice... Maybe the "medicine woman" part is irrelevant? The wording could be shortened to: "Adrian Fahrenheit Tepes is the half-vampire son of Count Dracula and a human named Lisa." Or is that too threadbare? That comma wouldn't need to be there because it's part of the clause describing who this "Lisa" is. A different sentence structure/focus could keep that comma, but not here. - I agree that "taught him to respect humans as equals" works. I say go with that. - I think Chernabogue's new wording regarding Lisa's fate helps convey her plight effectively (better pacing while emitting redundancy). - "His father, Dracula, enraged, cast a curse" --> Cut "His father," because that's one too many comma-induced pauses. Yeah, "opposition to" is proper English. Our language sure is weird. - "Adrian, disgusted by his father's reaction, took the pseudonym of Alucard (Dracula spelled backwards, to show his opposition to his father) and left Castlevania, his father's fortress." --> The word "father" appears 3 times, and I think a little idea reordering is in order. Maybe: "Disgusted by this, Adrian left his father's fortress and took on the pseudonym Alucard (Dracula spelled backwards, to show his opposition to him)." - I think instead of "supernatural," "half-vampire" should be the mode of description in the second paragraph, like: "Because he's half-vampire, Alucard possesses..." - Strength kind of already implies "resistance" (against pain), so yeah, it doesn't need to be there. - "He also can use" --> Personally, I prefer "He can also use" Ah, yes. I probably passed over it because some people skip the second comma in lists of three. But for clarity, sure, we can keep that comma in there. - Semicolons can be attached to the ends of words with no spaces; they won't bite. - Just to re-emphasize, the verb tense should be consistent in a list like Alucard's abilities, so you can use -ing verbs like in my previous example or something else. But keep it the same for the shapeshifting, dark spells, and Familiars. - "remembering him of his direct filiation to Dracula" --> "reminding him of his direct affiliation to Dracula" - "sleeping in a burried coffin during more than three centuries" --> "sleeping in a buried coffin for more than three centuries" - I'm thinking the second and third paragraphs can be combined somehow. The third paragraph (or at least its first sentence) should precede or coincide with Alucard's abilities to expand upon how he kicks ass when opposing Dracula. (The sentence about him being determined and leaves nothing to chance works on a similar level.) This is gonna take some fancy rearrangement, but my main note is to look for facts that feel like they work together and connect them (for example, his conviction/determination + his goal to stop Dracula, or his sealing himself away as part of his eternal struggle against his father, who rises again every so often). As for his personality, that could probably follow the first paragraph (good way to segue into how he never got over Lisa's death and how he curses his own blood), and as you illuminate different parts of his moods/personal burdens, you can link those to his single-minded goal to stop Dracula and what he does in the Castlevania games (team up with Belmonts and use his powers to his advantage). - And again, it's 21st, short for twenty-first.

Isaac (again): Right now, the order/focus of Golden Sun's backstory and Isaac's character is still rather shaky. - "gets caught in a chain of events that threaten to change the face of Weyard forever" --> This feels like it belongs more with the tail end of the start of Isaac's journey. Currently it acts as a hindrance prior to describing his character. - "As for the reason for his journey..." --> It's a good sign that you're creating flow between main ideas. The current wording just feels like you're bringing attention to the link itself rather than linking the ideas. In other words, it's like saying, "Oh by the way, there's another side to this story" in an offhand way. You can conserve words when talking about the ideas directly. For instance, you might say, "It is these events (the "deaths" of some characters) that spur Isaac on a journey in which he struggles against forces that threaten to change the face of Weyard forever." Or something. Basically, you want to join the facts that feel like they belong near each other from a core standpoint. Here's an example of what I mean: "In the world of Weyard, there are gifted individuals who, through the power of Alchemy (or is it Psynergy?)*, can control one of the four elements. These "Adepts" can manipulate the powers of earth (represented by Venus), fire (Mercury), wind (Jupiter), or water (Mercury) to their advantage. Eons ago, the ancients deemed such powers too dangerous, and they sealed them away using jewels known as Elemental Stars." (If you start with the prologue and backstory like this, it would help illustrate the scope of Adepts' power by bringing in the tidbit about them controlling the four elements.) - Oops, now "strong of heart" and "kind-hearted" are close enough to make Isaac's goodwill seem redundant. (Not to mention "strong" precedes "strong[ly trust].") I'm sure you'll find a way to reword one or both sentences for verbal variety. - You also say "deciding," "decision," and "decision" rather close together. The second word can change to "conclusion" or "solution" or "answer." (You can always consult a thesaurus. Just don't use the wrong alternative word.) - "However, once he makes his decision" --> "However" implies a contradiction to the previous passage, but this sentence isn't really contradictory in my mind; it's more of an expansion on what happens when he DOES come to a decision. - Before you get to saying he's a silent protagonist in "the first game," be sure to mention that Isaac's from the Golden Sun series (otherwise readers will be like, "what first game? is it a series?"). - "deemed Alchemy to be too dangerous" --> Cut "to be" to avoid the passive voice. - "fate leads the three" --> Who's the third? Jenna? Just make it clear. - "after an accident caused by Tyrell's headstrong nature, it's up to Matthew to start his own quest" --> I'm sure you're just avoiding spoilers, but even out of context this sounds bizarre. You can shorten it by saying the skills Matthew learns help him once he embarks on his own quest. *Another major note: because these bios are meant for newcomers to read about these characters and their histories for the first time, some game-specific terms and names may need to be redefined or clarified. "What's Sol Sanctum?" "Is Synergy the same as Alchemy?" (I'm sure you noticed I called the Elemental Stars "jewels" above.) Even though such answers will be answered in the reference links you provide, you want to present a standalone article that whets readers' appetites without leaving them confused. I don't mean to scare or frustrate the crap out of you. I just think your eager writing could strongly benefit from refined ordering, pacing, and careful avoidance of repeated words. Crash Bandicoot: Yeah, pretty much. A gameplay mechanic that explains why he's called Crash is enough. Okay, I guess we don't need to worry about giving him a quote then. Thanks for the info. Alucard (once more): - "and raised in the respect of humans" --> Do you mean he was raised with feelings of respect for humans or like a human? - "On one fateful night" --> "One fateful night" (simpler) - "Sentenced to death" --> You can cut this because you already say that Lisa's accused of witchcraft (before) and that she's executed before Alucard's eyes (after). (You can also replace "Lisa" in this sentence with "She" so you don't repeat her name so soon.) - strenght --> strength - "He also disposes of a large variety of powers" --> Do you mean he "commands a large variety of powers"? - In the long sentence about Alucard's unique powers, after the words "mist" and "energy," it helps to use a semicolon ; instead of a comma because you're detailing a list that has commas within at least one part. So here's how it'll look: "...variety of powers: shapeshifting into a wolf, a bat or even a cloud of mist; casting dark spells to drain his enemies' vital energy; and summoning Familiars to assist him." (Notice each list item starts with an -ing verb for consistency.) - "due to the lack of Belmont" --> Add "a" before Belmont. - 21th Century --> 21st century - The last sentence seems a teensy bit unfinished, like the bio deserves a more fulfilling closure. My only suggestion is to start it with: "Most recently, at the beginning of the 21st century..." in order to give an up-to-date perspective on Alucard's actions, although if more Castlevania games come out with Alucard in them (I don't doubt it), it might make the bio appear unfinished again. Maybe you can come up with a more definitive closure. Dafydd, could you help me out a bit? I'm sure you see some archaic sentence structures and info ambiguities that irk you while I take my inherent English for granted.

Isaac: - Remember, you want to maintain focus on Isaac, so any backstory must be as succinctly relevant to the character as possible. The banned use of Alchemy spiel feels long-winded, so find a way to distill it into fewer words. It also looks like the first two paragraphs will have to merge somehow. Try to order the info so that it moves from the backstory to Isaac's place in the game's events to his abilities as a Venus Adept (and his personality). This will give you better pacing and flow to develop one topic before another. - "seemingly kills Isaac's father" --> Write this from the point of view of Isaac and/or the other characters to give a hint of his/their reactions, because we want to avoid words of uncertainty like "seemingly" or "probably" or the like. Similarly, the sentence about Isaac and Garet confronting the raiders and losing consciousness would benefit from being tied directly into the friends' motivation to train hard before embarking on their journey. To quote Golden Sun Universe: This should be integrated somehow. - "He's rather nice" --> Sounds vague. Try saying he has a kind heart or similar (to back up his trust in his friends). - "Although he may be silent in the first game" --> "Although he's a silent protagonist in the first game" (and cut the last part of that sentence to avoid repetition) - "While Isaac may have grown wise over the years, there are things even he doesn't know" --> Self-evident, really. You can instead show how much Matthew's inherited from Isaac by mentioning what the father passes on to the son (physical appearance, warrior clothing, or whatever) before saying Matthew embarks on his own quest. - Both listed sources have nearly identical information (they share the same wording most of the way) - I say keep the first one (Golden Sun Universe) and find a new second source to list in order to vary the supplementary material. Alucard: - As a general note, bios are meant to introduce characters rather than describe their life histories in minute detail. So a lot of Alucard's history, while engaging, must be pared down to the main essentials that describe/explain his character. You can keep these facts: - he's the son of Dracula and Lisa - after Lisa's death, he and Dracula diverge on how to view/deal with humans - he takes the name Alucard "to show his opposition to his father" - his alliances with different Belmonts, plus his tendency to seal himself away/sleep until Dracula awakens (you don't have to mention every instance he does this) - he confronts Dracula solo in Symphony of the Night (but not the outcome, since it doesn't embellish upon his character) Some facts/phrases you might want to leave out: - The fact that Dracula falls into madness after Lisa's death (that's more central to Dracula than Alucard) - Dracula's ultimate destruction in 1999 (spoiler-ish; you can keep the fact that he takes the name Genya Arikado in Aria and Dawn of Sorrow) I know it's a heavy task, but I'm sure you'll find a way to make his history shorter and sweeter. (If I give too many play-by-play specifics, I might as well be the one writing the bio.) - Since he's half-vampire, Alucard's superhuman strength, shapeshifting prowess, and other abilities can be mentioned more prominently (some of them are already in the Symphony of the Night fight). - Consider how bits of his personality (clustered in the last paragraph) would work better in the context of parts of his story. For example, details on his abilities can be followed by "[he] will do everything that is needed to defeat his evil father"; or, to give a contrast to his alliances with Belmonts, bring up how he's cold/lonely/emotionless because of his blood or that he never got over his mother's death. Just some ideas. - Bios need two or more reference links, so please find another for Dracula's son. And finally, some useful spelling and grammar notes for your English : - medecine --> medicine - begining --> beginning - "considered them as inferior beings" --> cut "as" - "casted a curse" --> cast a curse - "against the whole humanity" --> You can say "against humanity" or "against all of humanity" - surnatural --> supernatural Crash Bandicoot: - As a friendly reminder, try reading your sentences aloud for repeated words in the same sentence (or just really close) so you can catch them before I do. (You'll see in a few examples below.) - "Crash's first game was released in 1996, created by then-unknown game developer Naughty Dog." --> This sentence feels out of place in the paragraph, which concerns Crash and Cortex's relationship throughout the series (not just the first game). If you want to keep it, you can probably merge it into the first paragraph or the fifth somehow. - "there have been rare instances" --> You can cut "rare" here, since later in the sentence you say "usually" (which sounds more frequent). - "Crash would be accompanied on his journey" --> Sounds like he's a dinner guest about to be served. Try "Crash is often (/frequently/whatever [if you say "usually," you'll have to cut one instance of that word in the previous paragraph]) accompanied on his journeys" (more than one journey, I'm sure) - "the many virtual 'warp rooms'" --> I say cut "many" since you already say that earlier in the sentence. - "an unrelated Bandicoot" --> Lowercase (bandicoot)? - "many small animals whom would help" --> Normally I'd say to use "who" instead of "whom," but I think "that" works better here. - The section on collecting crystals to stop Neo Cortex (more for the good endings) doesn't seem relevant enough to Crash's character. The earlier mention involving purple crystals, I think, should be enough "game objective" background, so you can keep this paragraph centered on Crash's allies. - "Crash himself can be easily expressive" --> "Crash himself is highly expressive" - "limited verbal skills" --> So does he ever actually talk (say comprehensible English words or sentences)? If so, we can potentially include a quote of his in the bio. - "and would easily throw himself" --> "and he would easily throw himself" - "relaxing at the beach; whether it be" --> A comma works better than a semicolon here. - Not to downplay your hard work, but I think the technical achievements and music in the Crash series don't need to be talked about. It's practically common knowledge that games/game series will improve with time, so bringing it up is a bit redundant. It's like saying, "Mario developed acclaimed music scores and better graphics as the series went on." You bring up what the first Crash games are known for (visuals and game design), which I think serve as a good introduction to the character. - You can also merge the last paragraph with the fifth to help illustrate Crash's legacy. Just keep the last sentence succinct with the Japanese notables, i.e. the Crash dance and Fake Crash. Good job on recovering from surgery, btw. Whew. Have fun with your feedback, folks.

Cool. I think this version's set to be added to the OCRWiki. Dafydd, whatcha think?

The Damned - A couple of side notes as you readjust Pikachu's bio for the uninitiated: - Could you offer a list of game appearances with links and dates, please? Any games that Pikachu appears in naturally, with ReMixes on OCR, are a must. - Bios require at least two sources. They don't have to be super comprehensive like the Bulbapedia link you used, but they do need to be relevant to the mascot. Arrow - Not much to add now, except: - I know the Moon Stones are important to the first paragraph, but they're mentioned a little too frequently. I suggest you reword this part like so: "...lunar asteroids fall from them on a regular basis. These "Moon Stones" power nearly everything..." That way you still define these asteroids without repeating yourself. Maybe this would work better: "a rival marauder faction that doesn't hesitate to kill and steal from everyone they come across." - "In their attempts to keep Fina safe from harm" --> Here, "Fina" could be replaced by "the girl" or "their new friend" or something, just to mix up the language a bit (you have Fina's name pop up 4 times in 3 sentences). Short answer: no. To clarify: We don't want to encourage bios for mascots that jump the queue, so to speak - we put priority on the ones that officially get green-lighted for OCR. If you want to write a bio for a mascot that doesn't win the voting rounds, ask again after PaRappa, Crash Bandicoot, and the 10 candidates the community votes on all get their bios and images uploaded to the OCRWiki.

Nonamer - Thanks for listing the sources. Also, while Liontamer added the company, the first appearance year, and selected game appearances for the latest 5 (visible) mascots, it doesn't hurt to add those things to your own bio just so we know that you know the essentials about your mascot. Anyway, pointers for Ammy: - "once again shrouded in darkness" --> To add to Dafydd's words, if the story of Nippon and god/demon intervention is cyclical, you'll have to establish that more clearly (otherwise having "once again" in the first sentence feels out of place without backup). - The 3rd paragraph's 1st sentence reiterates that Amaterasu wards off the evil in the land via Celestial Brush or related ways, so it doesn't feel necessary. - I suggest you go a little into Ammy's personality and describe how exactly she uses her Divine Instrument to attack and how she uses her brush to warp reality. These kinds of details will make the picture of Amaterasu more vivid. - I agree that "With the powers granted to her, Amaterasu sets out to save Nippon from evil" feels like a better ending, but again, be careful to avoid repetition - you don't want to say that Ammy rids the land of evil both in the end and when talking about her brush powers, and be mindful of the bit about people believing in her (best not to have "...which enhances her divine powers. With the powers granted to her..."). Arrow - Lookin' better. I like your expansion of Vyse's background and personality. A few more notes: - If you're not comfortable changing "who" to "that" when talking about the Black Pirates, you can say instead "a faction of rival marauders who..." That might work, but "without fear" pops up a little later, and we want to avoid subtle bits of repetition when we can. Also, "on the battlefield" sounds a little misleading since the world emphasizes floating continents and airships. - Now you have three iterations of the idea of exploration romanticism (ends of paragraphs 1, 2, and 4). I think the first one can be cut, since the paragraph describes the world in a descriptive matter-of-fact way. The second one can be kept to highlight Vyse's wanderlust, and the last one just whets my appetite.

Nonamer - Before I review Amaterasu, could you please post the sources you used? It'll make it easier for me, Dafydd, and others to double-check your info and not have to ask as many questions on the accuracy or relevancy of what you say about the mascot. Arrow - No need to hide your full bio contents as a separate file - just post them in their entirety. Also, Liontamer said he has official art of every possible mascot candidate, not just the ones that will make it in, so you don't need to worry about that (but thanks anyway for the eye candy, and kudos for noting which game each image comes from, plus some appearances to jump-start the mascot's Wiki inclusion). As for Vyse: - Personally, I like his 2nd quote better. But the choice is up to you. - Good job listing the correct developer. Here's the OCR Organization link for the bio: http://ocremix.org/org/2598/overworks - "On the world of Arcadia" --> Preferably, "In" makes better sense. "On" sounds weird when all the continents float. - "power near everything" --> I know this makes grammatical sense, but "nearly" makes it more solid. - "... and keep what they take!" --> This feels extraneous, since you clarify in the next sentence what Vyse and co. do with their loot. (We also restrict ellipses and exclamations to rare, justified instances.) - "They also battle with" --> This sentence is closer to the forces of the Valuan Empire than the Blue Rogues, so make it clear who "They" are. - "rival marauder faction who" --> that, not who (since the faction is no one single person) - "killing everyone they come across and looting their dead bodies as they leave." --> I think "killing and stealing from everyone they come across" would work more tactfully in this case (or something similar that doesn't emphasize dead bodies). - "Vyse and his best friend Aika find their world view thrown for a loop when they meet Fina, a mysterious girl from a remote land who has a secret mission that puts her in direct conflict with the Valuan Empire." --> A bit too long a sentence. Try to pace it so the reader's introduced to digestible bits of info in more than one sentence. For instance, you can say Vyse and Aika's world view changes when they meet Fina, and then detail Fina's circumstances/goals. - "no-one" --> Personal peeve, but I'd rather you write "no one" instead (unhyphenated). Interesting choice in describing a little of the world and how Vyse fits into it. But I think you can give a little more info on his character (e.g. how he loots and/or fights, his relationship to Aika, his charisma/power over others, etc.).

Confession: I listen to this only for those electronic/guttural/reptilian voices that go "eye, eye" starting at 0:44 (and to a lesser extent, the squeaky/meat grinder-wrangling followers at 0:46-0:47 and elsewhere). Not that the rest of the mix doesn't stand out. Positive: I like how the piano sounds both delicate and sinister. Negative: some of the volume swells and wilts, while they definitely add to the chaotic atmosphere, are a bit uncomfortable for my ears. Still, something about those alien vocals makes me think I'm looking into the paranoid mind of Meat Boy (I mean, he DOES have a jelly-like lower right eyelid and an Alfred E. Neuman grin. What's not to take away from that?). The surrounding insanity in this mix is like a perfect complement to the vocals.

Do these new features include a soundtrack, in whole or in part, that's different from the Japanese release? If so, then New Leaf would count as separate from Jump Out, since a future ReMix could cover one game instead of both.

Okay, what bio do you guys want to read first? FREE BIRD! To echo Dafydd, kudos on seeing K.K. through to completion. And thanks for the whole Free Bird enlightenment.

YES. That works. Thank you. My only notes are to say "random tune" or similar just so you don't say "song" so often, and "turning them into full-fledged K.K. Slider classics" to keep with the plural form of songs he elaborates upon. Any more comments or concerns, Dafydd?

I am unfamiliar with it. BUT We can leave it in. Okay, Taylor? Or "just like at a real live concert." But yes, this works. Now, once more. Post just the 2nd paragraph.