Polo

I like it as is. I'm more skeptical about "heroes". I'm also okay with the text reading "the very seasons themselves." This "also" could be changed for something that connects more to the previous sentence, to present the fact that she has adopted Banjo as more of an example of her [opposite of humble] nature. How about this tweak?: "In contrast, Kazooie is a loudmouth who likes to insult whoever she meets and brag about her accomplishments. Despite her abrasive nature, she sees Banjo as her adoptee and has taken up residence in his backpack." "the", because every plot worth its salt has a hideous green witch in it, or "a", because the reader doesn't know beforehand that the plot involved a hideous green witch? I can't decide. For the uninitiated, "a" works better here than "the" (which is like saying "the witch of the story" like it's expected). This makes it sound as if Gruntilda devices the plan not because she is jealous of Tooie's good looks, but because the plot revolves around her being jealous. Uh... not quite sure I follow. :/ There has to be a shorter way to describe that second attack move... "punching and performing a rolling attack"? Again, I'm sceptical of "heroes". "Duo" is better, but you don't want to use that one too many times, either. Duo, pair, protagonists, bear and bird, adventurers... yeah, there's lots of choices. Any preferences? Well, he does say "including (these attacks)" - it's not like he's going over every single move possible (we don't want that anyway), but it can be added via "firing eggs from her beak or out her rear" (or similar) if he wants. watch the "carrying", it's very close to the previous one. Escorting? Transporting? A little academic, considering the context... Need to think a bit about how to fix it. I suggested that because I thought spajjder was referring to the back-carrying Talon Trot, not flying, as "both faster and more versatile than the other way around." Yeah, it's better to cut the word "lost" from "their quest to find Banjo's lost sister" (since we know she's in Grunty's hands). I agree this paragraph needs a sentence like this, but this particular wording sound awfully trite. Maybe "The clock is ticking"? (There's no real time limit, but the game does record how long you play, and this can subtly reference Click Clock Wood.) Or how about "The witch awaits"? "The adventure is at hand"? Feel free to come up with other appetizers. Heh, I guess I'm in the minority regarding Captain Blubber then. Ah well. But better to go with popular opinion rather than disputable points, or at least not use words like "perhaps most famously" unless it's clear the bio runs on in-jokes or tongue-in-cheek humor. I think that's how she transfers Phazon (keep it in her Phazon body and release it elsewhere). It's not like she carries it around in a backpack or suitcase. I'm having a little trouble fitting that anywhere, can you give me the whole sentence? How about "so much so that she can eventually [completely] control those infected with it". Not sure about "completely" - it's sort of needed for emphasis, but I'd prefer not to have two long, consecutive adjectives like that. "As she was almost literally born out of Phazon, she can absorb, use and control this substance to her own advantage, at one point even able to subjugate those infected with Phazon." (+added the word "even") How's that? I don't find anything in her history that says she learns how to transform into a cloud. By negating the sentence starting "In Metroid Prime 3..." we save ourselves the trouble of what to do after Dark Samus learns how to control Phazon's home planet. We just know her overt abilities without tracking her growing strength in minute detail.

It's okay if life got in the way, guys. Happens to all of us. (I might even be AFK more than I want to since my own schedule just got busy lately. But we'll see.) Well, saying "the" implies they've been noted/described beforehand, and spajjder wasn't sure whether or not to keep the bit about the instruments that early. Also, I think you mean "their" (+i-r) instruments (to show possession). Yes to this suggestion and to saying "their advanced moves" instead of "the game's moves." Better yet: "Humorously" Maybe it's just me, but the order here seems to draw attention/power away from B&K's mission. I think the original wording works fine as it goes from villain's motives -> villain's actions -> heroes' reaction/call to adventure because we see what ultimately drives B&K and root for them. You mean talk about the backstory/Grunty kidnapping Tooty, followed by B&K's moveset and how far they go to rescue her? Yeah, I can see the benefits of that order. Dark Samus: Both, according to her official history. BorgMan does mention later how she can "absorb, use and control" it on her own. - "experience to full range of her wrath" --> "experience the full range of her wrath" To trim it further, how about: "When an alien entity snatched away Samus's Phazon Suit upgrade and a bit of her DNA at the end of a fierce battle..." This is a little on the long side... "...at one point able to subjugate those infected with Phazon" maybe? Could we say something like "Much later" instead? I think the bigger issue is that the sentence it's in is a possible spoiler, and kinda redundant (she can bend Phazon to her will - isn't that frightening enough info without adding that she also comes to control its planet of origin?). I don't think it's something she learns to do - rather, she just does it. - "When the Space Pirates first encounter her on the planet Aether in Metroid Prime 2, their logs describe her as “The Dark Hunter”; however, the dark, organic suit and menacing behavior didn’t match their earlier encounters." --> I just wanna say bravo on using the semicolon and the word "however" correctly. - "realising that the two" --> "realising that they" (otherwise you'd have "two" appear 3 times close together)

First, I'll address this concern: - Playing an instrument of the same name is a shared action/hobby, so this tidbit belongs more in the context of togetherness/other shared actions rather than "this is character A's personality, and now this is character B's." Try this (changes in bold): "Banjo [...] likes to swim, climb, and play. In contrast, Kazooie is a loudmouth who likes to insult whoever she meets and brag about her accomplishments." This way you stay focused on one character's personality/actions at a time while still showing the reader how they differ. Then, if you choose to include the instrument-playing bit, you can have one sentence afterward say something like: "Despite their differences, they have a strong bond at all times, whether they're adventuring or playing instruments that share their names." - I think the starter sentence in paragraph 2 isn't necessary because 1) it immediately repeats what you end the 1st paragraph with, and 2) Kazooie residing in Banjo's backpack should be enough starter info for when you explain some of the pair's moves. - If you feel the part about collecting notes and jigsaw pieces is too much in an already long bio, then I won't fault you for not including it. I see you've already added useful details elsewhere. Clever observation, but IMO I think it's a bit cumbersome/unnecessary. A lot of games have characters speaking "Simlish"/gibberish like that, and it's more of a game design choice than anything relevant to stories or characters. Now for all the other edits (from the top)... - "gentle, yet cheerful" --> "gentle, cheerful" (these adjectives aren't really at odds with each other, plus this feels more workable) - "most of the game's moves" --> "most moves" (since you don't say "the (first) game" beforehand) - "beak barge, the shock spring jump" --> Remember to capitalize these move names (Beak Barge, Shock Spring Jump) - "as well as the firing of eggs" --> "and firing eggs" - "whether by flying him around, or simply by carrying him on her back" --> You can remove that comma with no problem. - "something which actually is" --> Change this to "the latter of which is" (this goes hand-in-hand with my previous note) - "little sister, Tooty" --> Either cut this comma or add one after Tooty's name. - The 3rd paragraph has the names Gruntilda and Tooty appear in every sentence. To change it up a bit, I suggest rewording the 2nd sentence to refer to them as "The witch"/"The former" and "the girl"/"the cub"/"the latter" or something (if you choose "witch" for Grunty, you might want to alter "witchcraft" to "magic" or "sorcery," again for variety). - "high tech" --> "high-tech" (+hyphen) - "When Gruntilda put her plan to action" --> "When Gruntilda puts her plan into action" - "Banjo & Kazooie venture through" --> "The heroes go through/traverse" (because you already say B&K's names in the sentence right before and "adventures" in the next sentence - feel free to come up with alternatives) - I (still) think "In their adventures" would be better as "Along the way" to stay grounded in the fact that saving Tooty is THE adventure being covered in the bio. - When talking about the different characters B&K meet, it helps to keep them all in one list instead of going over two and then one more. It'll look like this (semicolons included, plus a few other fixes): "Along the way, they meet such characters as Mumbo Jumbo, the voodoo priest who turns them into various animals; Bottles, the mole who teaches them new fancy moves; and Brentilda, Gruntilda's better-looking sister, who gives them all manners of gossip of Gruntilda's disgusting habits." (there should a hyphen between "better" and "looking") - The comma after "The quest awaits" should instead be either a colon or a period. - "make-over" --> "makeover" (no hyphen needed) - To reiterate, if you use the Banjo-Kazooie Wiki, use specific pages, not just the main page. For starters, you can link to the character pages for Banjo and Kazooie.

Welcome to OCR, spajjder. - "from the Banjo Kazooie universe" --> Try instead "from the universe of the same name" or "from the game series named after them" or similar (this is so you don't say "Banjo" 3 times so soon in succession) - You already establish their species names in the 1st sentence. No need to repeat the fact that Banjo's a bear in the 2nd sentence or that Kazooie's a bird in the 4th. - "Kazooie is an altogether different story" --> Saying "altogether" (and "story") implies you already went way in depth with Banjo when you only listed his hobbies. I recommend saying "Kazooie, on the other hand..." and link it with the following sentence. - "loud mouthed" --> Loudmouthed is one word, not two. (You can also say loudmouth as a noun.) - "Banjos backpack" --> "Banjo's backpack" (+apostrophe) - "brag about its accomplishments" --> Kazooie's a girl, so use "her" instead of "its" (or "his") - "helping [her] fellow bear out of trouble" --> "help [one] out of trouble" sounds weird, so how about an alternative: helping her fellow bear getting her fellow bear out of trouble helping her fellow bear get out of trouble helping her fellow bear during times of trouble - Good start on describing some of B&K's attacks/forms of teamwork. Kazooie residing in Banjo's backpack feels like it belongs here, not earlier, so that you can more easily explore some of their dual moves like Talon Trot, Beak Barge, Stilt Stride, or whatever. This way, finishing with "Together the unlikely pair makes an excellent team" will have more impact. - Don't forget that Kazooie also plays an instrument sharing her name. (I mean, if you're going to mention Banjo's...) - "Banjo and Kazooie sets out on their quest when Gruntilda Winkybunion, the hideous green witch, kidnaps Banjo's little sister, Tooty, to, with her witchcraft and some high tech machinery, steal Tooty's fabulous looks." --> 1) They "set out," not "sets out" (you had it right the first time); 2) Saying the protagonists "set out on their quest" implies that you said what it was beforehand (or that they had a quest to begin with). It would help if you reversed the order of ideas (Gruntilda nabs Tooty before B&K notice and set out to rescue her); 3) Break this long sentence down into more manageable chunks/smaller sentences. You don't want too many commas in there. - "swamps, deserts, and lagoons" --> You already say Kazooie can carry Banjo through swamps in the 1st paragraph, so choose something else besides "swamps" and "lagoons" here (mountains? beaches? sewers? one of the later levels?). - "In their travels" --> You already use the word "travel" in the previous sentence (watch the repetition). Maybe "Along the way" or "In different levels/worlds/areas" would be better. - vodoo --> voodoo (extra O) - Thanks for introducing the characters without spoiling any major details story-wise. If you choose to focus only on the first BK game, I think you can mention a little more about their world/the gameplay, like how they go into different worlds to collect jigsaw puzzle pieces to fit into pictures in Gruntilda's Lair to open up new paths to progress. Stuff like this can fit in the 2nd paragraph to give the reader a more vivid idea of B&K's mission to save Tooty. - "perhaps most famously, a burping, crying, pirate hippo who needs help to find his lost gold" --> 1) Captain Blubber seems out of place in this context because the other two (Mumbo Jumbo and Bottles) are recurring characters that help the bear and bird more substantially than with just one jigsaw puzzle piece in one area. (Maybe Brentilda would be a better choice?) You can instead use this space to say that the witch doctor's transformations help the pair reach/pass through formerly inaccessible/hazardous areas, and perhaps briefly describe some abilities Bottles teaches the heroes. 2) That crying hippo pirate didn't leave as much of an impression on me as Game Over Gruntilda did (I'm sure many players would agree ). Speaking of which... - We don't allow YouTube videos by themselves as sources. You can, however, use a reference that has an embedded video in it as long as the source delivers mostly textual information (example: the Meet the Heavy page linked in the Heavy's bio). Minus the video, you'll need at least one more reference to list. You can use a walkthrough on GameFAQs, a page from a wiki on the characters/game/series (one or more pages from here, if you'd like - just specify which one), Wikipedia, a fan site with lots of game/character info, the developer's official site if it provides similarly relevant info, or something else that stresses thoughtful reading over passive watching. - Finally, it would help if you hit ENTER twice to leave a line of space between paragraphs for better readability.

Yep, I'm satisfied with it. Uploaded! Next, I'll compose something for Koopa von Beethoven (a.k.a. Ludwig).

If "artifacts critical to her nefarious plans" is clear enough for you, I can roll with it. Third time's a belly dancing charm: In Sequin Land, Genies have guarded human populations from monsters and other dangers for ages. Their numbers have dwindled over time; however, the code of loyalty they've been known to live by is upheld by their half-Genie descendants. One of these is Shantae, who earns her keep by watching over the fishing settlement of Scuttle Town. When the pirate Risky Boots launches a raid on the port and steals a dangerous relic, Shantae sets out after her in an effort to save all of Sequin Land from the pirate's machinations. Shantae's Arabian design reflects an arsenal of flashy abilities. Whipping her ponytail is her main tactic for dispatching enemies, but she can equip specific gear that enables her to deliver kicks and elbow dashes as well. She may even find and use pirates' weapons like swords and guns. As one might guess from her outfit, Shantae has a penchant for belly dancing, and by learning specific dance moves, she can magically teleport to a place she's already visited or shapeshift into various creatures. These transformations include a monkey, an elephant, a mermaid, a harpy, and more, each different in terms of mobility, strength, and how they can be used to solve puzzles and clear obstacles. Because she's not a full Genie, Shantae sometimes lacks confidence in her powers. She often relies on her friends from Scuttle Town for support and guidance as she races Risky Boots for magical artifacts critical to her nefarious plans. No matter the trials, Shantae takes as much as she can in stride as she learns what it means to be a half-Genie and a protectress.

"These transformations include a monkey, an elephant, a mermaid, a harpy, and more..." It's not too much. I can work with "how they can be used to solve" here. Sort of both, but more the latter. Risky Boots is searching for magical items that can power up another major item she has (Steam Engine or Magic Lamp) in order to become an unstoppable villain (control a steam-powered weapon or control Genies), so Shantae is trying to grab those items first and play keep away. I can try this: "...as she races Risky Boots for magical artifacts that the latter is after to further her own nefarious plans." That OK? You're not alone in your confusion. I think you can go either way on this with no trouble (Risky Boots' or Risky Boots's). Your nitpicks aren't unfounded, btw. I like to go for brevity whenever possible, but it doesn't hurt to add a few more words of clarity to get certain ideas across.

Shantae take 2 (or Shantaek 2): In Sequin Land, Genies have guarded human populations from monsters and other dangers for ages. Their numbers have dwindled over time; however, the code of loyalty they've been known to live by is upheld by their half-Genie descendants. One of these is Shantae, who earns her keep by watching over the fishing settlement of Scuttle Town. When the pirate Risky Boots launches a raid on the port and steals a dangerous relic, Shantae sets out after her in an effort to save all of Sequin Land from the pirate's machinations. Shantae's Arabian design reflects an arsenal of flashy abilities. Whipping her ponytail is her main tactic for dispatching enemies, but she can equip specific gear that enables her to deliver kicks and elbow dashes as well. She may even find and use pirates' weapons like swords and guns. As one might guess from her outfit, Shantae has a penchant for belly dancing, and by learning specific dance moves, she can magically teleport to a place she's already visited or shapeshift into various creatures. These transformations include a monkey, elephant, mermaid, harpy, and more, each different in terms of mobility, strength, and how they solve puzzles and clear obstacles. Because she's not a full Genie, Shantae sometimes lacks confidence in her powers. She often relies on her friends from Scuttle Town for support and guidance as she races Risky Boots for magical artifacts critical to halting her plans. No matter the trials, Shantae takes as much as she can in stride as she learns what it means to be a half-Genie and a protectress. Remember this joke I told you about, but never told? Yeah, we're getting close. Ohhhhh, I see what you have the potential to do there.

It's one of those backstories that goes "once there were many, but now there are few/none." From the first game's instruction manual: With that in mind, here's a possible revision of part of the 1st paragraph: "In Sequin Land, Genies have guarded human populations from monsters and other dangers for ages. Their numbers have dwindled over time; however, the code of loyalty they've been known to live by is upheld by their half-Genie descendants. One of these is Shantae, who earns her keep by watching over the fishing settlement of Scuttle Town..." And to clarify: yes, Shantae is the only half-Genie who tries to save all of Sequin Land, never mind what the other half-Genies that we never see (until the 4th upcoming game, maybe) are up to. (You can meet/save full Genies in the games, so they're not all "gone" per se.) Also, I think the word is capitalized because they're a type unique to Shantae's world: Genies and half-Genies are female, and wish-granting conventions are a bit looser than the "three wishes" rule we normally think of. Also, belly dancing. Even better. I'll go with that. "Various" opens up Shantae's shapeshifting options considerably, whereas "different" keeps those options down to a limited number, with an emphasis on comparing/contrasting the different forms' abilities/uses. Either could work, although "various" doesn't necessarily de-emphasize the creatures' abilities because in the next sentence I note 4 transformations plus "and more," thereby expanding on the idea of "many options to choose from." Going over the abilities afterward doesn't feel hindered or afterthought-y, but rather "here's why they matter and how they're special..." So yeah, I'm cool with using "various." "She often relies..." Okay. Maybe we can mark off which details are necessary for BorgMan to work with. For example: - Dark Samus uses the substance Phazon = needed because it's part of her core abilities - Conditions/fallout of 1st game's last battle = spoilers - Dark Samus contains some of Samus's DNA = helps explain her appearance - How Dark Samus got that DNA = probably should be hinted at via "During Samus's adventures..." or something that doesn't explicitly detail the end of the first game - Metroid Prime 3 = goes beyond a simple introduction to the character; an overview of her abilities would work better in one section rather than spread out Larry must've meant Sonic & Sega All-Stars Racing (not Transformed). Fixed. The quote is already accurate (or do you think it needs any punctuation adjustments?). To add to Dafydd's words, you don't have to be an expert on a mascot to write about them. Most of my bios are on characters whose games I've never played. It's simply a matter of piecing together the relevant basics gathered from instruction manuals, wikis, etc. But there's a chorus in that mix. We don't want repetition in these bios.

Welcome back, Dafydd! I can put "many years ago" or "ages ago" at the end of that sentence. Do you think this would warrant "Presently" or similar at the start of the next sentence? Ah, I see how that can seem backwards. Sure, "As her outfit suggests" makes it clearer. True. How about "shapeshift into different creatures" instead? The idea is that, out of all her allies, the ones from Scuttle Town are the best/most consistent at boosting her spirits. Maybe one of the following would get the idea across better?: "She often relies on her friends from Scuttle Town for support and guidance" "She relies on her friends from Scuttle Town for maximum support and guidance" Maybe you're thinking of Bayonetta or some other chick. I've done a lot. Okay, no problem. Wow, that is genius. It's normally by choice whether someone wants to put a comma after the 2nd-to-last item in a list (as long as they stay consistent), but it helps to have it there for better flow/readability. Yeah, British English is fine for those who write "realises" and "colour" and other such spellings. Also, I think comma rules in lists are independent of whether the person uses British or American English. You can blame Larry for that. Anyway, fixed.

Interesting. We might need a rule for bio writers to tell us their nationality/mother language so that, when we give feedback based on American English rules, we can be mindful of those in foreign languages. (Dafydd, are you reading this?) Now, I know I give a lot of notes, BorgMan, but I can't tell if those you don't use are ones you missed or ones you disagree with. So I'll try to be clearer... Like Larry says, the comma isn't necessary. A complete sentence needs a subject and a predicate/verb, which you already have. Here's the same sentence's main ideas conveyed in fewer words: "Anything that tries to get between her and this instinct" = "Dark Samus's enemies" = subject "dies"/"die" = predicate/verb This becomes: "Dark Samus's enemies die." (Clear enough.) "Dark Samus's enemies, die." (Unnecessary holdup, plus it sounds like a command.) So: delete that comma. Also, I recommend you replace "dies" with "has to face her wrath" or "is in for trouble" or something, because Samus avoids death after each encounter. - "Phazon-mutated Metroid Prime" --> In a previous note, I meant change this to simply "Metroid Prime" - I'm not trying to rewrite history (I beat Metroid Prime, so I know what happens), I just want you to cut down on the number of times you say "Phazon." It can be a delicate process, so bear with me. - "Samus’ Phazon Suit" --> Samus's (add an S to make the possessive form complete) - "climatic" --> "climactic" - "litteraly" --> "literally" - Either cut the 2nd instance of "mutagenic" (2nd paragraph) or replace it with something else for the sake of variety ("toxic," "radioactive," whatever). - "to the point of being able to subjugate" --> "to the point where she can subjugate" - "Interestingly, this doesn't stop at a single or a few organisms, proven by the fact that the whole Space Pirate species and three bounty hunters are under her control at some point." --> I personally don't think you need this sentence because saying exactly who's under Dark Samus's control "at some point" feels arbitrary and spoiler-ish. - "She is also able to dissolve herself into" --> If you insist on keeping "herself" in there, then change this chunk to "She is also able to make herself dissolve into" - "Samusses" --> "Samuses" (cut one S) - "two separate beings" --> "separate beings" (because you say "two" just 4 words before) - "Dark Samus makes no allies, and takes orders from no one" --> delete the comma in this clause (this too is a complete thought without a comma getting in the way) I still feel the last paragraph needs to go. Here's why: 1) the sentence starting with "In the end" basically spoils the ending of Metroid Prime 3, and we want to avoid spoilers whenever possible; 2) the focus turns into Samus's story more than Dark Samus's; and 3) you already say earlier that Dark Samus's control over Phazon grows over the series. I know her story doesn't end with Metroid Prime 2, but what you have in the first three paragraphs means you don't need a 4th. Finally, why so many story detail elaborations in general? Is it because of the "neat improvement" I praised last time? Understand that these bios are meant to be introductions to the mascots, giving readers just enough info about their origins and abilities and such so that they would want to check out the reference links you provide. Don't try to fit too much into your bio. And if you disagree with any of my points, please elaborate so I can better understand what you're going for (and so I don't assume you skipped over something).

You're getting better. The way you fleshed out some of the sentences in the 2nd paragraph in particular is a neat improvement. Some more feedback for Dark Samus: - "find, absorb and spread Phazon. Anything that tries to get between her and this instinct, dies" --> Add a comma after "absorb" and cut the comma after "instinct" for better flow. Also, I know you describe Phazon as a "mutagenic substance" later on, but I think that brief description would better fit at this early point to assist those who never played a Prime game. So you can say "spread the mutagenic substance Phazon" here, then the later sentence can work as simply "this substance" or similar. - Thanks for moving Dark Samus's origins/powers earlier in the bio. Not trying to go back on my own advice, but now it appears the 1st paragraph can instead be two. The first three sentences seem to benefit from their proximity to each other and their shared poetic vibe, so the next paragraph can start with "Created when..." - "Phazon enhanced Metroid Prime" --> You can cut "Phazon enhanced" because it's too close to the next mention of Phazon, and the Suit snatching is what counts. - "Samus Aran’s Phazon Suit" --> No need for Samus's last name here so soon after you say her full name. - "those infected with Phazon" --> Just so you don't repeat the same word so often in such a short space, try changing "Phazon" to "the toxic material" or something. - "Lastly, she is able to" --> To me, "Lastly" implies that's the end of her powers. You can leave it more open-ended by saying "She is also able to..." - "disperse herself into" --> Still feels weird with the word "herself" in there, IMO. - Like I said, be careful with repetition. You now have "dealings with Samus" after "dealing with Samus Aran." Saying "earlier experiences" or "earlier encounters" to end the sentence is simple and clear enough. - "seperate" --> separate - When I gave my note about how to reword "try to dispatch of Samus Aran when it suits her best," I meant your either/or choice was what to do with the word "best" (which you already did, good). I did want you to remove "of" from "dispatch of Samus Aran" as well (sorry if I wasn't clear). - The final paragraph feels unnecessary now because it rehashes ideas brought up earlier - you already say Dark Samus's strength grows over the Prime series, she can control others, and she has a rivalry with Samus. I think those details are strong enough, and the bio can end on the note that Dark Samus aims to kill the original on her own terms.

Not a bad start, BorgMan. I like how you focus on Dark Samus's motives and how other characters react to her. First, some major notes: - I recommend fitting the 3rd paragraph into the 1st. By describing Dark Samus's appearance early, you finish the dichotomy between her and Samus Aran and it better explains why the Space Pirates mistake her for their real antagonist. More importantly, doing so will hopefully force you to keep repeated words/ideas to a minimum, which applies throughout the bio - they dilute the power of the narrative and can be cut or changed for brevity. Take a look: - "Phazon-based" appears in paragraphs 1 and 3 - "first encounter" and "At first thinking" early in the 2nd paragraph - "yet again dealing with Samus Aran [...] earlier dealings with the bounty hunter" (same sentence; also, saying "bounty hunter" so soon after "Samus Aran" when you already say "bounty hunter Samus Aran" in the 1st paragraph is a bit much) - "they were hoping" and "proved idle hope" is a similar case, but it could still work because it's elaborating on the kind of "hope" the Space Pirates had. If you want, you can change "they were hoping" to "they hoped" to stick to the past tense. - The idea of subjugating others is in paragraphs 2 and 3 - you can introduce Dark Samus's ability to do so before mentioning that's what she does to the Space Pirates instead of vice versa. - We don't discount sources that give overviews of the games a mascot appears in, but the one with Metroid Prime 2 screenshots is a little too unfocused on Dark Samus. It needs to be clearer/easier to read and interpret. There is the Dark Samus article on the Metroid Wiki which, despite having much of the same info as your first source, includes other material like concept art and Scan Visor readings, if you want to use that instead. Other nitpicks: - "The complete opposite to" --> I'd prefer "of" instead of "to" here. - "despair taken form" --> Just curious - do any of the Prime games actually call Dark Samus that? Given her need to take any Phazon in sight, it seems better to say "greed" or "lust for power" or "chaos" or similar rather than something that, to me at least, conjures up imagery of one sitting dejectedly with their head in both hands. - “The Dark Hunter”. --> The period belongs inside the "quote marks." - "yet again dealing with Samus Aran" --> cut "yet" - "and couldn’t care less" --> Try changing this to "and takes no orders" (and cut the comma right before) while removing the order-taking bit from the next sentence to fully explain that Dark Samus doesn't work for the Space Pirates. This also means you'll have to slightly restructure the next sentence (e.g. don't start with "While"). - "try to dispatch of Samus Aran when it suits her best" --> cut "of" and "best" (or move "best" before "suits her") - "In Metroid Prime 3 however" --> No need for the word "however" if Dark Samus fails to get rid of Samus more than once in MP2 (seems like a natural leap more than a contradictory analysis). - "blaster on the right arm" --> "blaster on her right arm" - "formidable ability is the fact that she is able to disperse herself into" --> "formidable ability is the power to disperse into" - "making her a very difficult to kill" --> "making her difficult to kill" (you won't lose anything with the absence of "very") Basically, keep your ideas fresh through succinct, non-repeating language, and play around with the order to see how it affects the flow and delivery.

Shantae "Why would anyone want to wear warm clothes?" == Bio == In Sequin Land, Genies have been known to guard human populations from monsters and other dangers. Half-Genie Shantae upholds this sense of loyalty by keeping a vigil over the fishing settlement of Scuttle Town. When the pirate Risky Boots launches a raid on the port and steals a dangerous relic, Shantae sets out after her in an effort to save all of Sequin Land from the pirate's machinations. Shantae's Arabian design reflects an arsenal of flashy abilities. Whipping her ponytail is her main tactic for dispatching enemies, but she can equip specific gear that enables her to deliver kicks and elbow dashes as well. She may even find and use pirates' weapons like swords and guns. Given her outfit, Shantae has a penchant for belly dancing, and by learning specific dance moves, she can magically teleport to a place she's already visited or shapeshift into an animal. These transformations include a monkey, elephant, mermaid, harpy, and more, each different in terms of mobility, strength, and how they solve puzzles and clear obstacles. Because she's not a full Genie, Shantae sometimes lacks confidence in her powers. She relies on her friends from Scuttle Town the most for support and guidance as she races Risky Boots for magical artifacts critical to halting her plans. No matter the trials, Shantae takes as much as she can in stride as she learns what it means to be a half-Genie and a protectress. == References == Shantae Wiki - "Shantae" Shantae instruction manual TV Tropes - "Video Game: Shantae" Fist Full of Potions - "Interview: Matt Bozon of WayForward by Jason"

1) Adol Christin 2) Banjo & Kazooie 3) Master Higgins

NEW BIOS NEEDED! Liontamer has graciously added placeholder pages for 10 new mascots (whose images will replace Mega Man X soonish). They are: Tanooki Mario Professor Layton Abe Shantae <-- (I'm claiming this one, thank you) Ludwig von Koopa Dart Feld Saren Arterius Dark Samus Joe Musashi Ryo Hazuki As always, bios are claimed on a first come, first served basis. If you choose to write one, keep track of your sources (and post them along with whatever you've got so we can cross-check your work), introduce the mascot in your own words, and be mindful not to repeat much of what's in a related mascot's bio (it's gotta stand on its own). For more info, see the writing guidelines.

It feels like the wailing guitar can almost single-handedly carry the energy of this mix with every high, pitch-bent note it hits, notably when it plays the second half of the source (e.g. 0:36-0:47) and at 0:48 (my favorite parts). The layered/backup guitars certainly help give it the necessary footing to shine. When 1:23 hits, I imagine the Guardian is taking no prisoners as she scrambles across Area 0. It is a little weird finding this reuploaded after Lockdown - it would've fit right at home on one of the first audio CDs I burned after I discovered OCR. What matters though is that I've heard the main area of the game get mixed (and well). And it Rox.

Mascot images in articles aren't clickable; only the randomized corner image is. From left to right, the Darkstalker pics match the names listed in the summary below (Jon Talbain first, Jedah Dohma last), as you can see via the image labels (http://ocremix.org/images/template/ocr_mascot_103.png) and page links (http://ocremix.org/info/OCR_Mascot_103). No, no other mascot categories besides Darkstalkers. We allowed one for them partly because they contain long bonus articles in addition to the regular ones. Yeah, I know. Dafydd and I hope to work out something so we can put unofficial character art onto their pages.

The Square Enix mascots had to be removed due to copyright issues. djp talked about it here. We're taking steps to rectify this. New mascot images will replace the X-based redirects as they come in (we'll need at least 17 to do so), but we won't get a new batch until this coming winter at the earliest. Meanwhile, Dafydd and I have been in talks about how to liven up the picture-less bio pages with fan art, and once we're set on the rules for doing so, we'll post a thread to let people know all about it. Stay tuned (and patient) for more.

Sure. Shall we work out the details in this thread or via PM? I vote for winter, based on my current schedule and the fact that our focus is shifting from writing bios to gathering Squenix images. Not a bad idea.

Does this look ready yet? Cuz I think so.

I think it helps to keep the clause order because it would shift seamlessly from Vyse's wishes --> meeting Fina --> Fina's backstory (no back-and-forth needed). So maybe: "As if by fate, he gets his wishes granted..." or "One day, he gets his wishes granted..." Yeah, I feel the same way.

Ammy = Wiki'ed = hooray (If you're reading this, Nonamer, thanks for giving the white wolf a try.) As with Amaterasu, those examples wouldn't work as standalone sentences; they'd need clear enough context first. Vyse: I say keep the quotes around "beyond the sunset." It's a cool nod to in-game dialogue and it personalizes that part of the bio. How about: "He thus gets his wishes granted when he and Aika meet Fina" - this way we don't lump Aika's (possibly different) desires into it while keeping the meeting factual. (If "thus gets his wishes granted" sounds odd, feel free to provide an alternative.) Everything else looks awesome.

That actually works pretty well. The cyclical "evil returns" backstory is implicit but not incomplete. We can go with that. Grammatical, yes, but the clincher is "these days." So once more: Are we satisfied now?

I prefer the first because it provides better pacing. Compare: If we go with the one closer to the original wording, the first sentence becomes LONG: Now we have three names and three objectives with little breathing room. Are you able to read that in one sitting?