OCR Mascot Bios - 20 more up for grabs!

[Chernabogue]

Version #3

 

Eevee

"Its genetic code is irregular. It may mutate if it is exposed to radiation from element Stones." -- Pokédex Entry (Red Version)

 

 

==Bio==

In the Pokémon World, Evolution is the process by which one creature changes into a different, usually stronger, form. While most Pokémon only transform once or twice into another, Eevee can morph into eight different creatures. Moreover, all of Eevee's transformations require different preconditions, leading to a unique Evolution tree: elemental stones, location, and time of the day are but a few of the factors a Pokémon trainer has to take into account to make Eevee evolve. This interesting ramification got its own specific denomination: Eeveelution.

 

These more advanced creatures represent Eevee's greatest strengths, as it is relatively weak in its basic form. Being a Normal type Pokémon, Eevee has few weaknesses but also few exceptional strengths. A Pokémon trainer may prefer to raise its evolved forms instead, as they all possess different abilities and types. Some of Eevee's new forms include the Electric type Jolteon and the Attack-oriented Flareon. One should pay attention to which form Eevee may change into as it is said that only a few Eevees are still alive, and Pokémon trainers may not encounter such a creature in the wild. The choice to make Eevee the trump card of a powerful Pokémon team comes down to its trainer.

 

==References==

Official Pokédex Website

Bulbapedia Article: Eevee

Bulbapedia Article: Eeveelution

 

[Dafydd]

all manners of missions

This could be an issue of which side of the Atlantic you're on, but I'm pretty sure that should be "manner" in singular, regardless of whether the thing it's a manner of is in singular or plural. "All manner of things" gets 10 times as many hits as "All manners of things" on a Google search, and for "all manner of" versus "all manners of" the factor is about 30.

for answers to her past

That's a new expression to me, I think. I thought it had to be "about her past". Interesting.

horrible events from taking hold of the island

That's not what I had in mind, and I have to admit it sounds unusual to me, but I can't say it's wrong. If you want it that way, it's fine by me.

Next, Eevee. Thanks for getting back to us so quickly, Chernabogue.

 

While most Pokémon only transform once or twice into another

"once or twice into another" sounds a little backwards, but "into another once or twice" also doesn't sound quite right. I'd also like to get "in their lifetime" in there somehow.

Evolution tree: elemental stones

Once again, I'll have to defer to Polo on the matter of colon usage and capitalization. Is this correct?

ramification

Now there's a word I've been meaning to look up for a long time, but haven't until now. If the definition I found is anything to by, then I'm not sure it's being used correctly here. The fact that the transformations require different preconditions is not "something that is the result of an action, decision, etc."; the form that Eevee transforms into is.

 

These more advanced creatures represent Eevee's greatest strengths, as it is relatively weak in its basic form.

I think "greatest strengths; it is relatively" would be nice, but I'm not sure it's correct. Polo?

Pokémon trainer

You only need to write "Pokémon trainer" the first time. After that, "trainer" is enough. Don't overuse the word "trainer" though - it's in there 4 times.

Some of Eevee's new forms include

It's either "Some of Eevee's new evolved forms are" or "Eevee's new forms include", not both.

 

One should pay attention to which form Eevee may change into as it is said that only a few Eevees are still alive

We went over this in a previous comment - this reads like a manual.

[Polo]

This could be an issue of which side of the Atlantic you're on, but I'm pretty sure that should be "manner" in singular, regardless of whether the thing it's a manner of is in singular or plural. "All manner of things" gets 10 times as many hits as "All manners of things" on a Google search, and for "all manner of" versus "all manners of" the factor is about 30.

Weird, "all manners of" didn't strike me odd then, and it still doesn't now. But I can go with "all manner of."

 

That's a new expression to me, I think. I thought it had to be "about her past". Interesting.

Her past is a big question mark, so it makes sense in a way. Answers to a question.

 

horrible events from taking hold of the island

That's not what I had in mind, and I have to admit it sounds unusual to me, but I can't say it's wrong. If you want it that way, it's fine by me.

That's how I interpreted your concerns. Just saying "horrible events" sounds incomplete without saying what they affect (the island) to explain Quote's goals and Curly's cheerleadership. How about "upsetting the balance of the island"?

Chernabogue - nice additions with explaining "Eeveelution" and calling Flareon "Attack-oriented" in Eevee's bio.

- "Eevee can morph into eight different creatures" --> Try "Eevee can morph into one of eight possible creatures" so you don't imply Eevee can change between its final forms (e.g. Vaporeon can't turn into another like Jolteon or Flareon - it's set for life).

 

Once again, I'll have to defer to Polo on the matter of colon usage and capitalization. Is this correct?

A colon precedes an explanation or list. It can work in this context if "leading to a unique Evolution tree" is lifted out of the way so the preconditions are properly talked about. Since it's not the end of a sentence, no capitalization is needed after the colon.

- "a Pokémon trainer has to take into account" --> change "has to take" to "may take" or "takes"

- "This interesting ramification got" --> 1) Replace "got" with "has" to stay in the present tense; 2) concerning the word "ramification," maybe "process" or "system" would be a better fit (if Dafydd doesn't think those terms are too technical/robotic); 3) "interesting" sounds a little subjective/debatable, so try something like "unique" (from that lifted clause before the colon earlier) or "dynamic" instead.

 

I think "greatest strengths; it is relatively" would be nice, but I'm not sure it's correct. Polo?

For best semicolon use, you need a conjunctive adverb following it (however, therefore, etc.). But I think it's moot in this case - this sentence feels like a hindrance, partly because it permits the repeat of "weakness" shortly after. To Chernabogue: remove this first sentence so you start the paragraph with "Being a Normal type..." and after "they all possess different abilities and types," you can add a comma and "representing Eevee's greatest strengths" which was previously in the first sentence. This way you can better flow from Eevee's starting form to its Evolutions through proper buildup and payoff. Bear in mind that afterwards, you'll end up with a close repeat of "Eevee" ("Some of Eevee's new forms"), and wherever possible, we want to keep obvious repetition down. (For this last bit, you can say "Some of its/these new forms" instead.)

 

One should pay attention to which form Eevee may change into as it is said that only a few Eevees are still alive

We went over this in a previous comment - this reads like a manual.

Yeah, let me help clarify this. Earlier, you say "A Pokémon trainer may prefer to..." which I think is fine because it reflects possibilities in the Pokémon world. On the other hand, "One should..." reads like an order. Since this section talks about a trainer's options when raising Eevee, I imagine it would be kind of hard to deter from that tone. But remember that you're writing for those who know next to nothing about this mascot and are not guaranteed to go pick up/download a Pokémon game/ROM after reading this bio.

As for this sentence, because the multiple forms contrast with the scarcity of Eevee in the wild, you can try setting up that contrast with something like "Regardless of which form Eevee may change into, it is said..." or "No matter which form..." or "Despite the multiple forms this Pokémon can take..." Then with the final sentence, you can bounce back with "Nonetheless, a trainer can make Eevee the trump card of a powerful Pokémon team" or similar.

[Dafydd]

Her past is a big question mark, so it makes sense in a way. Answers to a question.

Sure does. I need to get back to reading more books and less... documentation.

 

That's how I interpreted your concerns. Just saying "horrible events" sounds incomplete without saying what they affect (the island) to explain Quote's goals and Curly's cheerleadership. How about "upsetting the balance of the island"?

Right, just "to stop horrible events" would be incomplete. The options I had in mind were "to stop destruction from taking hold of the island" and "to stop horrible events from unfolding on the island". You chose the middle ground, which is cool, but not what I'd expected or intended. Still, like I said, I'm totally fine with the wording you chose, and I really prefer it over "upsetting the balance on the island", which I don't think really gives the impression that anything very bad is going to happen.

 

2) concerning the word "ramification," maybe "process" or "system" would be a better fit (if Dafydd doesn't think those terms are too technical/robotic)

I've been putting off answering this until I could come up with a better term, but Bulbapedia (which was listed as a source for the bio) writes that "An Eeveelution is a term used for the current group of eight Pokémon that evolve from Eevee. It is a portmanteau of the words "Eevee" and "evolution". Its definition may be extended to include Eevee itself." If I'm reading that right, the term doesn't refer to a process or a system, but to a group of Pokémon, and/or possibly to any of the 8 (or 9) Pokémon in that group. This is the only way "denomination" makes sense, too, I think - as a word for a group of something. The sentence starts out as if referring to the system of factors though, not the group of Pokémons. EDIT: Wait, maybe the original wording isn't so bad after all, then. The only issue is that "This interesting ramification" refers to the factors that determine the resulting Pokémon, not the Pokémon themselves, but if the sentence was changed to "The ramifications of this unique system have been given their own specific denomination: Eeveelution.", "ramifications" would still refer to the Pokémon, and stuff would check out. It might still not be very clear, though... Is this what was your intention, Chernabogue?

[Polo]

"to stop horrible events from unfolding on the island"

Okay, if that's not too dull/progamming language-like to you, I can go with that.

Any other nitpicks for "Quote" and/or {Curly}? (the above fix + "all manner of" = minor enough edits to not have to post the bios again, methinks)

Also, yeah, "Eeveelution" refers to the evolved Eevees, not the factors to make one evolve. As-is, the sentence runs the risk of conflating two separate ideas, so a simplification seems in order.

 

if the sentence was changed to "The ramifications of this unique system have been given their own specific denomination: Eeveelution.", "ramifications" would still refer to the Pokémon, and stuff would check out. It might still not be very clear, though.

You're on the right track. How about this?: "A resultant Pokémon in this unique Evolution tree has its own name: Eeveelution." This suggestion assumes Chernabogue will remove "leading to a unique Evolution tree" from earlier to make the colon in that sentence work better. Also, "name" seems safer than "denomination" in this case, IMO.

[Dafydd]

Sorry for the long wait.

Okay, if that's not too dull/progamming language-like to you, I can go with that.

Well, that was my own exact wording, so no. I can't recall the last time you were being sarcastic about something I said, but the spider sense is definitely tingling now that you brought this up twice... :/ Also, for the third time, "horrible events from taking hold of the island" is just fine, so there's no need to change it one more time.

Any other nitpicks for "Quote" and/or {Curly}?

Nope, all good to go!

 

"A resultant Pokémon in this unique Evolution tree has its own name: Eeveelution."

I agree that simpler is better in this case, and about "name" being a better word than "denomination". This would be more accurate, though:

"The group of resultant Pokémon in this unique Evolution tree have been given their* own name: Eeveelution." *[has been given its? Again, "Eeveelution" refers to both the group and any of the members in it]

[Chernabogue]

I'm quite busy with VV3 and real life atm, so feel free to send a PM once you want me to take your feedback into account and write another version.

[Polo]

I didn't mean to sound sarcastic - sorry if my wording came out that way. I just kind of noted how you avoid "dull" words and phrases to add vivacity to bios. No hard feelings. I'm cool with "horrible events from unfolding on the island."

Curly and Quote are done, uploaded, polished, etc., and now I'm claiming Ryo Hazuki to work on.

Is now a good time to ask Arrow for an update on Shulk?

 

"The group of resultant Pokémon in this unique Evolution tree have been given their* own name: Eeveelution."

*[has been given its? Again, "Eeveelution" refers to both the group and any of the members in it]

I would go with "have" and "their" in this example since the Bulbapedia page says "Eevee and the eight Eeveelutions" under the image - each Pokémon is one Eeveelution, so the group constitutes several. And we know "Pokémon" can be singular or plural, so no problem there.

[Dafydd]

I didn't mean to sound sarcastic

Alright then - it did seem out of character. Maybe I'm just on edge because of real life stuff...

 

I'm claiming Ryo Hazuki to work on.

Roger that, marking it down in the first post.

 

I would go with "have" and "their" in this example since the Bulbapedia page says "Eevee and the eight Eeveelutions"

Good point.

 

Is now a good time to ask Arrow for an update on Shulk?

Sure. I'll send one to Chernabogue, too, now that we've settled on the Eeveelution sentence.

EDIT: Chernabogue said he'd be back in a few days, Arrow probably next week.

EDIT2: Nothing so far. I'll send another PM after the weekend if I haven't heard anything by then.

[Dafydd]

Arrow wrote me and said he wouldn't be able to finish Shulk. Given all we had so far was a rough draft, I've let it go back to unclaimed.

 

I haven't written Chernabogue yet, so I'll do that now. If he doesn't have time to do it in the next few days, I suggest we wrap it up ourselves - there's not a lot left to fix anyway.

[Chernabogue]

As I said in the PM, my short free time is being devoured by projects and IRL stuff that's coming (leaving my place for 2 months for professional reasons). I'll try to have something up today if I can.

[Polo]

Arrow - Thanks for giving it a shot.

Chernabogue - I understand. If you can't set aside enough time for Eevee, Dafydd and I can finish it ourselves.

Ryo Hazuki

"Like my father always said, never cheat, even during a struggle."

== Bio ==

November 29th, 1986 was a dark day in the life of Ryo Hazuki. That day, the eighteen-year-old came home to find the family dojo broken into: the Hazuki plaque was split in two and his housekeeper and fellow disciple were injured. Inside the dojo lay a greater shock: Ryo's father Iwao was facing off against the intruder, a man named Lan Di, refusing to hand over an item known as the Dragon Mirror. Lan Di took it by force, using a martial art strong enough to overpower both father and son. Ryo could do nothing but hold Iwao in his arms as he died. Wounded in body and spirit and distraught by the circumstances surrounding his father's death, the boy made it his mission to seek vengeance against the murderer.

Ryo epitomizes Japanese self-discipline and resourcefulness, thanks in large part to Iwao's influence. He uses what few leads he has to track Lan Di and decipher the mystery of the Dragon Mirror, gaining clues from various people and locations. Many in the neighborhood know his name and are willing to help him however they can. Not everyone is as receptive, though — some connected to Lan Di are members of gangs, including the Chinese mafia. Violent confrontations with them are inevitable, so Ryo puts his martial arts to use with a combination of punches, kicks, holds, and throws to take down his adversaries. He often questions a defeated opponent to gain a new lead.

Ryo's preoccupation with revenge comes at a price. He lacks the finesse of reading and responding to others' emotions, so he's unable to pick up on his childhood friend Nozomi's feelings for him. His housekeeper worries about the times he comes home late, and his martial arts peer has mixed feelings about him single-handedly going after his father's killer. Ryo keeps a lid on his own emotions and motivations and doesn't want others involved in his dangerous task. It's as if Iwao's death has consumed him to the point where he feels he must carry the burden of responsibility alone, no matter how heavy.

== References ==

Shenmue Wiki - "Ryo Hazuki"

Wikipedia - "Shenmue"

Shenmue instruction manual

[Chernabogue]

FINAL VERSION

 

Eevee

"Its genetic code is irregular. It may mutate if it is exposed to radiation from element Stones." -- Pokédex Entry (Red Version)

 

 

==Bio==

In the Pokémon World, Evolution is the process by which one creature changes into a different, usually stronger, form. While most Pokémon only transform into another once or twice in their lifetime, Eevee can morph into one of eight possible creatures. Moreover, all of Eevee's transformations require different preconditions: elemental stones, location, and the time of day are but a few of the factors a Pokémon trainer has to take into account to make Eevee evolve. The group of resultant Pokémon in this unique Evolution tree have been given their own name: Eeveelution.

 

Being a Normal type Pokémon, Eevee has few weaknesses but also few exceptional strengths. A Pokémon trainer may prefer to raise its evolved forms instead, as they all possess different abilities and types, representing Eevee's greatest strengths. Among Eevee's specialized forms are the Electric type Jolteon and the Attack-oriented Flareon. Regardless of which form Eevee may change into, it is said that only a few Eevees are still alive, and people may not encounter such a creature in the wild. Nonetheless, a trainer fortunate enough to obtain one can make Eevee the trump card of a powerful Pokémon team.

 

==References==

Official Pokédex Website

Bulbapedia Article: Eevee

Bulbapedia Article: Eeveelution

 

[Polo]

Nice work, Chernabogue. My only note is to say "Some of Eevee's new forms include..." so you don't imply Jolteon and Flareon are the only Eeveelutions possible. Other than that, I think this bio is good enough. We'll see what Dafydd has to say.

[Chernabogue]

I edited my post, thanks.

[Dafydd]

time of the day

Isn't it "the time of day" in this context? Or is this another one of those which-side-of-the-puddle-you're-on kind of things?

 

Some of Eevee's new forms include the Electric type Jolteon and the Attack-oriented Flareon

... "but some of them don't"? Polo, this may be idiomatic English, but it's ambiguous and kind of strange. It already says in the previous paragraph that there are 8 forms, not 2, but if that's not enough to leave out the "Some of", wouldn't it be better to write "Eevee's new forms include the Electric type Jolteon and the Attack-oriented Flareon, among others" or "Among Eevee's new forms are the Electric type Jolteon and the Attack-oriented Flareon"? Come to think of it, are any of these forms really "new"?

 

Regardless of which form Eevee may change into, it is said that only a few Eevees are still alive, and people may not encounter such a creature in the wild. Nonetheless, a trainer can make Eevee the trump card of a powerful Pokémon team.

The last sentence, although beginning with "Nonetheless", doesn't seem to contradict of the one before it. How about "Nonetheless, a trainer lucky enough to acquire [or is there a more suitable verb?] one can make Eevee the trump card of a powerful Pokémon team."?

Polo, I'm a little short on time right now, but I'll get back to you about Ryo within 12 hours. For now, all I can say is I thought it was a Tekken character until the last paragraph, just because that's what I thought it was before I even started reading 

[Polo]

Isn't it "the time of day" in this context? Or is this another one of those which-side-of-the-puddle-you're-on kind of things?

I don't know about it being a regional thing, but your suggestion works just as well as "time of the day" or even "time of day," IMO.

 

It already says in the previous paragraph that there are 8 forms, not 2, but if that's not enough to leave out the "Some of", wouldn't it be better to write "Eevee's new forms include the Electric type Jolteon and the Attack-oriented Flareon, among others" or "Among Eevee's new forms are the Electric type Jolteon and the Attack-oriented Flareon"? Come to think of it, are any of these forms really "new"?

I suggested "Some of" to help indicate a fraction of the Eeveelutions, since there's no point in listing them all. I'm fine with "Among Eevee's new forms are..." whereas ending that sentence with "among others" feels unnecessarily afterthought-y. They're "new" in the sense that Eevee can permanently change into something it hasn't been before, and leaving it out might suggest the ability to switch between forms like a wardrobe. If you want, we can replace "new" with "alternate" or "different" or "improved" or "specialized" or "unique."

 

The last sentence, although beginning with "Nonetheless", doesn't seem to contradict of the one before it. How about "Nonetheless, a trainer lucky enough to acquire [or is there a more suitable verb?] one can make Eevee the trump card of a powerful Pokémon team."?

Nice way to supplement the previous sentence. I think "lucky" should be "fortunate" and "acquire" can instead be "obtain."

 

I thought it was a Tekken character until the last paragraph, just because that's what I thought it was before I even started reading 

Ryo was originally meant to be a Virtua Fighter character before Shenmue, so I can understand the confusion.

[Dafydd]

I don't know about it being a regional thing, but your suggestion works just as well as "time of the day" or even "time of day," IMO.

Well, if it's all the same to you, I vote for "the time of day".

 

I suggested "Some of" to help indicate a fraction of the Eeveelutions, since there's no point in listing them all.

Right. What I'm saying is, it shouldn't be necessary - "These include" doesn't need to be followed by an exhaustive list as far as I know.

I'm fine with "Among Eevee's new forms are..." whereas ending that sentence with "among others" feels unnecessarily afterthought-y.

Alright.

They're "new" in the sense that Eevee can permanently change into something it hasn't been before, and leaving it out might suggest the ability to switch between forms like a wardrobe. If you want, we can replace "new" with "alternate" or "different" or "improved" or "specialized" or "unique."

Yeah, I like "specialized", especially in this context, where we bring up the benefits of specializing, so let's go with that.

 

Nice way to supplement the previous sentence. I think "lucky" should be "fortunate" and "acquire" can instead be "obtain."

Yes, "fortunate" and "obtain" are better suggestions. Thanks! It's nice to be able to suggest an improvement you're still not entirely happy with and have someone else improve on it further

 

Ryo was originally meant to be a Virtua Fighter character before Shenmue, so I can understand the confusion.

Haha, I see. Well, I still feel the same way about the bio. Maybe if you were to mention the city where the action takes place and something about the style of the game... Doesn't need to be long, only that he explores the city of Yokosuka and meets people ("He uses what few leads he has to track Lan Di [...], gaining clues from various people and locations", and reading that, I thought it was kinda deep for a fighting game, but I still thought that's what it was).

 

The sentence "Ryo could do nothing but hold Iwao in his arms as he died" feels short and somewhat unengaging in light of the ones surrounding it.

Also, the ending is kind of depressing. Maybe it's not a bad thing. It's just that just about every bio we have so far (as far as I can remember) ends on a high note, and this doesn't.

[Polo]

Well, if it's all the same to you, I vote for "the time of day".

Sure.

 

Yeah, I like "specialized", especially in this context, where we bring up the benefits of specializing, so let's go with that.

Cool.

 

Yes, "fortunate" and "obtain" are better suggestions. Thanks! It's nice to be able to suggest an improvement you're still not entirely happy with and have someone else improve on it further

THAT'S the meaning of teamwork! *high five*

 

Maybe if you were to mention the city where the action takes place and something about the style of the game... Doesn't need to be long, only that he explores the city of Yokosuka and meets people.

Okay. Tell me if this works (addition in bold):

He uses what few leads he has to track Lan Di and decipher the mystery of the Dragon Mirror. Starting in his hometown Yokosuka, Ryo freely explores anything from parks to buildings to desk drawers in real time while everyone around carries on with their daily lives. Many in the neighborhood...

I figured I should cut "gaining clues from various people and locations" since its inclusion would invite repetition.

 

The sentence "Ryo could do nothing but hold Iwao in his arms as he died" feels short and somewhat unengaging in light of the ones surrounding it.

I wouldn't classify what Ryo goes through as unengaging, but I can see where you're coming from in terms of sentence length. How about something like this:

Lan Di took it by force, using a martial art strong enough to overpower and gravely wound both father and son. Ryo had barely enough strength to hold his father in his arms, but Iwao could only apologize for leaving his son alone before giving up the ghost. Distraught by the circumstances surrounding his father's death...

Again, I cut some words ("Wounded in body and spirit") because I moved/tweaked the idea.

 

Also, the ending is kind of depressing. Maybe it's not a bad thing. It's just that just about every bio we have so far (as far as I can remember) ends on a high note, and this doesn't.

Yeah, the ending's a downer. Ryo just seems like a pretty tragic character to me - Shenmue starts with his father's death, which changes his life/defines his mission for the next two games. He fights members of the underworld (mafia, gangs, etc.) and isn't fazed, like he's prepared to descend into darkness metaphorically. Also, even though I never played a Shenmue game, I was upset to learn the series has gone unfinished. All I can think of is "Ryo's never going to avenge his father! Lan Di got away with murder! (etc.)" Anyway, not every bio needs to end the same way, and remember Skull Kid's bio ends on a bleak note as well ("some of his closest friends abandoned him one night and didn't come back").

[Chernabogue]

I edited my post with your last suggestions.

[Polo]

Two more things we said, Chernabogue:

- "Among Eevee's specialized forms are" (not "new" or "include")

- "Nonetheless, a trainer fortunate enough to obtain one can make Eevee the trump card of a powerful Pokémon team."

After that, I think Eevee's set.

[Chernabogue]

Edited, it's done.

[Dafydd]

Thanks for sticking with us, Chernabogue - I've marked you down as done, but I haven't uploaded anything yet.

 

Starting in his hometown Yokosuka, Ryo freely explores anything from parks to buildings to desk drawers in real time while everyone around carries on with their daily lives.

Sounds a bit too much like selling points on the back of the cover. If you remove "in real time", it could work.

 

I wouldn't classify what Ryo goes through as unengaging, but I can see where you're coming from in terms of sentence length.

Yeah, I meant the sentence, not the actual events.

Lan Di took it by force, using a martial art strong enough to overpower and gravely wound both father and son. Ryo had barely enough strength to hold his father in his arms, but Iwao could only apologize for leaving his son alone before giving up the ghost. Distraught by the circumstances surrounding his father's death...

Yes, that's better.

 

remember Skull Kid's bio ends on a bleak note as well ("some of his closest friends abandoned him one night and didn't come back").

It actually ends "Although the people of Termina, and Link himself, have reason to fear and hate the Skull Kid, his fairy friend Tatl maintains a different perspective. She believes that the mask completely possessed the forest imp, deepening the anger and loneliness he felt after some of his closest friends abandoned him one night and didn't come back." In that context, the last sentence isn't as depressing. Anyway, we both agree bios don't need to end happily, and I think what's actually bothering me is that it doesn't really feel like an ending (and neither does Skull Kid, now that I read it). An ellipsis instead of a period would make it feel different, but I'm not sure that's a good idea.

[Polo]

Since we're both satisfied with Eevee, I went ahead and uploaded it in its final form. Thanks for your patience, Chernabogue.

 

Sounds a bit too much like selling points on the back of the cover. If you remove "in real time", it could work.

All right. Yeah, it's kind of repetitive to say both "in real time" and "while others do whatever."

 

I think what's actually bothering me is that it doesn't really feel like an ending (and neither does Skull Kid, now that I read it). An ellipsis instead of a period would make it feel different, but I'm not sure that's a good idea.

"It's as if Iwao's death has consumed him to the point where he feels he must carry the burden of responsibility alone, no matter how heavy..." It might work. Trailing off like that leaves a more open end, and with the preceding facts, anyone can make that observation on Ryo's character, but it wouldn't be the only possible one. Or I could replace the last sentence with a question, like: "But is vengeance worth neglecting loved ones?"

As for Skull Kid, I don't know if we should tweak the ending already in place. The structure is "People avoid him, but one individual thinks a bad experience had something to do with it" - I know it's not a FIRM ending, but it's an in-game analysis that's both sad and hopeful, and it can invite a reader to look into Skull Kid's story further.

[Chernabogue]

You're welcome. I'm glad it's done. When I get more free time (and find a fitting mascot), I'll try to help put once more.