Dafydd

OCR Mascot Bios - 20 more up for grabs!

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9 hours ago, Dafydd said:

Hm, is "at the observatory" correct when the observatory is a spaceship, as opposed to an observatory in a fixed position on the ground? What if it was a naval vessel, for instance? On the other hand, "on the observatory" also sounds a little odd. Does it come down to what the Comet Observatory actually is, an observatory, or a ship?

Since it's called the Comet Observatory, I'm sure you can say either "on the comet" or "at the observatory." Vessels on water need "on" and stationary places use "at," whereas the Comet Observatory is both fixed and mobile.

9 hours ago, Dafydd said:

And on that note, is it an observatory for (watching) comets, or an observatory on a comet?

The latter. It flies through the galaxy and Rosalina looks at whatever comes into sight.

Anyway, I looked back to one of your previous posts and realized your suggestion for tweaking the beginning of the sentence with the Lumas is:

On 3/8/2016 at 1:44 PM, Dafydd said:

In order to bring more focus on Rosalina

Okay. With that in mind, we can fill in the gap here:

"...gazes upon myriad galaxies. __________ she raises little star babies..."

...without using a location, but instead something like:

On a more intimate level,
For as long as she remembers, [she's raised]
As if to tap into her inner parent,
Like a true protectress,
True to her protector instincts, (I like this one)
In addition, [she] lovingly
[She] also (if all else fails)

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On 3/10/2016 at 5:57 AM, Polo said:

True to her protector instincts, (I like this one)

Me too. It also sounds like something you'd write :P Let's pick that one.

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Okay, v.2:

 

In Super Mario Galaxy, a familiar plot remains intact: Mario must rescue Princess Peach from the nefarious Bowser. As the title suggests, the plumber travels to different planets and galaxies to fulfill his mission. Helping him this time around is one of the franchise's most mythical characters: Rosalina.

A self-proclaimed protector of the cosmos, Rosalina is in many ways one with the stars. She lives aboard the Comet Observatory, a celestial body from which she gazes upon myriad galaxies. True to her protector instincts, she raises little star babies called Lumas, who look up to her as their adoptive Mama and journey with her until they mature into various astronomical objects. With her magic wand, Rosalina demonstrates such powers as levitation and the creation of a force field to protect herself or even surround the entire observatory to appear like a natural shooting star.

Rosalina's path crosses Mario's when Bowser steals the comet's Star Power (its fuel to fly through outer space) before making off for the center of the universe. Though stranded, the goddess-like figure exhibits characteristic patience and wisdom to formulate a plan: Mario must retrieve enough Stars to power the Comet Observatory so she can take him to where his "special one" is. She first gives him a Luma, which grants him the power to fly to distant galaxies, and afterwards is ever present to offer advice and encouragement with her motherly grace.

All in all, Rosalina is as steadfast and gently guiding as a star in the sky.

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Reading this all through now makes me feel like the first paragraph detracts unnecessarily from the character at hand. I feel like the entire second paragraph reads fine without the first, and puts Rosalina in the spotlight. The first paragraph would have to be rewritten to fit between the second and the third, though. Does it seem like too much work? I can give it a try, in that case.

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Detracts? Do you mean it leaves her out of the spotlight for too long/doesn't talk about her early enough? I can see that, but the first paragraph establishes 2 things: 1) Rosalina's part of the Mario roster, hence the payoff when "[her] path crosses [his]," and 2) Bowser kidnaps Peach, hence the nod to Mario's "special one" down the line.

Alternatively, I could just work the fact that Peach is kidnapped into the third paragraph like so:

"Rosalina's path crosses Mario's when Bowser not only kidnaps Princess Peach for the umpteenth time, but also steals the comet's Star Power..."

Is that what you had in mind? Mario and Rosalina both have stakes/goals, plus it's clearer who is meant by the words "special one."

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Sorry for the wait,

On 3/13/2016 at 9:02 AM, Polo said:

Detracts? Do you mean it leaves her out of the spotlight for too long/doesn't talk about her early enough?

Reading it again now, it really feels like the second paragraph is just a parenthesis and that the bio is really about Mario. This is really just how I feel about it though, knowing Mario that much better than Rosalina (despite recently having a sitdown with the first hour or so of the game), but I'd still like to make Mario the parenthesis and let Rosalina shine in the first paragraph by leaving a brighter star (Mario) out of scope until later.

On 3/13/2016 at 9:02 AM, Polo said:

payoff

Haha, interesting choice of words...

On 3/13/2016 at 9:02 AM, Polo said:

Alternatively, I could just work the fact that Peach is kidnapped into the third paragraph like so:

"Rosalina's path crosses Mario's when Bowser not only kidnaps Princess Peach for the umpteenth time, but also steals the comet's Star Power..."

Is that what you had in mind? Mario and Rosalina both have stakes/goals, plus it's clearer who is meant by the words "special one."

Yes, I think that would be a good idea. I'm not sure exactly how to word it, so throw what you have at me.

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So the first paragraph would be removed, and the sentence in question would look like this:

"Rosalina's path crosses Mario's when Bowser not only kidnaps Princess Peach for the umpteenth time, but also steals the comet's Star Power (its fuel to fly through outer space) before making off for the center of the universe."

Is that too long? I could change "its fuel to fly through outer space" to "its energy source" or something if that would help trim it down a notch.

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Oh, you were serious about "the umpteenth time"? Haha, I thought that was a placeholder... it sounds a little subjective, don't you think?

"Its energy source" works better, yes.

I was actually thinking there'd be a way to work the first paragraph into the bio, but later in it... and I tried to reword it, but it wasn't as easy as I thought it would be:

Quote

Rosalina's path crosses Mario's in Super Mario Galaxy, where a familiar plot remains intact: Mario must rescue Princess Peach from the nefarious Bowser. But not only does Bowser kidnap Princess Peach for the umpteenth time, he also steals the comet's Star Power (its energy source) before making off for the center of the universe!


Eh, I'm not completely happy with this, either. Perhaps your version was better, what do you think?

 

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14 hours ago, Dafydd said:

Oh, you were serious about "the umpteenth time"? Haha, I thought that was a placeholder... it sounds a little subjective, don't you think?

Bowser DOES kidnap Peach many times. Even players who don't closely follow the Mario series know this. If you mean my wording sounds over-the-top/kind of tongue-in-cheek, then yeah, I can see that. I just felt saying he kidnaps her "once more" or "yet again" felt a little lacking, but I incorporated the wording anyway in the revision below (no qualms about it this time).

Quote

Eh, I'm not completely happy with this, either. Perhaps your version was better, what do you think?

It starts to draw attention away from Rosalina, as if to say she's no longer important and the other characters' motives become the focal point (granted, that's the way it is in the game, since Rosalina's a side character, but for this bio...). It's also a tad redundant to say Mario must rescue Peach from Bowser right before saying Bowser kidnaps her.

Looking at my version again, I think it becomes a little vague to say their paths cross when describing the villain's actions, if only because said actions don't explain the good guys' interactions clearly enough. Maybe I can try this:

 

Quote

Rosalina's path crosses Mario's in Super Mario Galaxy, her debut game. Both are waylaid by the nefarious Bowser, who not only kidnaps Princess Peach once again but also steals the comet's Star Power (its energy source) before making off for the center of the universe.

 


I think this helps keep Rosalina on the same level as Mario by showing that her stakes are not less than his as they team up against a common enemy. I also added "her debut game" to keep the sentence it's in from appearing too simplistic.

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