OCR Mascot Bios - 20 more up for grabs!

[Polo]

You're almost there.

- I agree with Dafydd that the present tense works better in the first sentence ("leads" instead of "led").

- "Soon, Teddie meets Yu Narukami (the silent protagonist) and two of his classmates who stumbled across the strange realm..." --> This sounds like Yu's classmates are the only ones who entered the TV World. It could use a little clarity, like: "He meets three humans, Yu Narukami (the silent protagonist) and two of his classmates, who stumble across..." You don't need to keep the word "Soon" because there's no definite past event to compare to in this draft; saying "He" instead of "Teddie" at the start of the second sentence works because the reader already knows the name of the established character; and say "stumble" instead of "stumbled" to maintain the present tense.

- "After Teddie accuses them of being responsible for the recent killings..." --> Without a little context, it sounds like Teddie's throwing an instant accusation without even circumstantial evidence. If the bio makes it clear that he at least knows about the deaths in the TV World, he would have a reason to place blame on the Investigation Team.

- "The Investigation Team" --> "the Investigation Team" (I don't see why "the" should be capitalized before Investigation Team)

- "...strengths and weaknesses, and keeping tabs..." --> "...strengths and weaknesses and by keeping tabs..." (smoother flow)

- "After Teddie is confronted by his Shadow" --> "After Teddie confronts his Shadow" (active voice preferred)

[NovaReaper]

- "After Teddie is confronted by his Shadow" --> "After Teddie confronts his Shadow" (active voice preferred)

A little nitpick, but FenixDown was right in the first case; you don't confront your Shadow. It confronts you.

[FenixDown]

At the start of Persona 4, Teddie (known as "Kuma" in the original Japanese version) leads a peaceful, solitary existence within the TV World. He meets three teenagers, Yu Narukami (the silent protagonist) and two of his classmates, who stumble across the strange realm while investigating the unusual deaths transpiring in their town. After Teddie accuses them of putting people into the TV World to die, Yu promises to find the culprit behind the murders. As they get closer to revealing the truth about the case, Teddie learns more about his mysterious origins.

Teddie provides the members of the Investigation Team with special glasses that enable them to see through the fog that shrouds the TV World. He also supports the party in battle by helping the team identify enemy strengths and weaknesses and by keeping tabs on the party's present condition. After Teddie is confronted by his Shadow, a physical manifestation of his inner struggles over not knowing where he came from, he awakens his Persona, a similar manifestation of his inner strength, Kintoki-Douji. As a result, Teddie becomes a playable member of the party.

Teddie's appearance is that of a very cartoonish bear costume that is empty on the inside. Teddie oftentimes acts as the comic relief and is prone to making bear-related puns, even in the heat of battle. He also frequently flirts with the female party members with very little success.

In Persona 4 Arena, Teddie appears to be the mastermind behind the P-1 Grand Prix tournament that pits friends against each other. "General Teddie" goads the members of the reunited Investigation Team into fighting one another with illusions and mind tricks that target the more sensitive aspects of their personalities. It eventually becomes apparent that the General is not really Teddie, but if that's the case, where is the real Teddie?

Ok, I hope that'll do it. This is getting beary Teddie-ous. Confound it all, I'm starting to type like him! But yeah, I hope people who read this consider giving the game a shot, it's one of my top three favorite JRPGs. Persona 4 Golden for the Vita is the version you should get as they added a lot of extra content to it, but if the Vita is too far outside your price range, the PS2 version sells for under $20 on Amazon and even comes packaged with a soundtrack CD with most of the best tracks from the game (hint hint, wink wink). Thanks for the feedback everyone.

[Dafydd]

Good job. Thanks! Any further suggestions, Polo, or do we call it a wrap?

[Polo]

Looks good to me.

Thanks for patiently improving Teddie's bio, FenixDown. He now joins the ranks of finished works in the OCR Wiki.

[Dafydd]

Thanks to everyone who helped, I'm really glad to see people chime in even with small suggestions.

I googled "teamwork" and was kinda disappointed.

Now then, one unclaimed mascot left... As per usual, it's completely unfamiliar to me. Any takers? Any ideas who we should ask to do it?

Edited May 8, 2013 by Dafydd

[Liontamer]

Thanks to everyone who helped, I'm really glad to see people chime in even with small suggestions.

Now then, one unclaimed mascot left... As per usual, it's completely unfamiliar to me. Any takers? Any ideas who we should ask to do it?

No idea, but some initial sources:

http://animalcrossing.wikia.com/wiki/K.K._Slider

http://nookipedia.com/wiki/K.K._Slider

http://animalcrossing.neoseeker.com/wiki/K.K._Slider

http://www.ssbwiki.com/K.K._Slider

http://nookipedia.com/wiki/List_of_K.K._Songs

http://animalcrossing.neoseeker.com/wiki/K.K._Slider_Songs_(ACCF)

http://animalcrossing.neoseeker.com/wiki/K.K_Slider_List_of_Songs_(ACWW)

EDIT: Also, I'm more than willing to call it that Amaterasu, Pikachu, and Skull Kid will DEFINITELY make it into the next group of added mascots at this rate. Anyone wanna start those?

[Dafydd]

Thanks for the info, LT, I don't doubt whatever info we need we can easily find - I just think people who are already passionate about a character will write more interesting bios, but in case we don't find anyone who wants to do it, I'll give it a shot.

[Mirby]

I'll take on our good musically-inclined canine friend Totakeke.

EDIT: Here's a start of it. I'll get to working on it more shortly, just wanted something up first.

----

"Those industry fat cats try to put a price on my music, but it wants to be free."

Totakeke, or K.K. Slider as he is more commonly known, is a rather relaxed canine musician who wanders the world of Animal Crossing. Every Saturday night, he'll show up in the player's town, ready to give a free concert to the player. He doesn't mind playing a random song, but you can request a certain one (no, he won't play Free Bird no matter how much you ask) and he'll start playing it for you, no questions asked. He'll even give you a copy of the song for you to play at home afterwards, free of charge. There are also a few songs he keeps secret, and can only be played by special request.

Though his origins are shrouded in mystery, he is talented at a variety of musical styles, and can even be seen trading in his trademark guitar for a set of turntables in Animal Crossing: New Leaf. What he does when he's not on stage playing music is unknown; it can only be presumed that he's out there somewhere, working on his next big hit. Though his library of songs is well over 70 by now, there's always room for one more great jam.

Source:

http://nookipedia.com/wiki/K.K._Slider

http://nookipedia.com/wiki/List_of_K.K._Songs

Edited May 8, 2013 by Mirby

[Dafydd]

Good start!

he'll show up in the player's town, ready to give a free concert to the player.

Repetition of the word "player". "he'll show up in the player's town, ready to give them a free concert." fixes that issue, but isn't completely solid either.

but you can request a certain one

By "a certain one", do you mean that there's just one single song that he'll always play, no questions asked, or any specific one? Just making sure. Also, am I supposed to know what song "Free Bird" is, or is this an inside joke?

There are also a few songs he keeps secret, and can only be played by special request.

I feel like there's a contrast here from the previous sentence, and would prefer "However, there are also a few songs" or similar.

Though his origins are shrouded in mystery, he is talented at a variety of musical styles,

Conversely, there is no conflict between having a mysterious past and being talented at a variety of styles, so I don't see a reason to start this sentence with "Though". I'm guessing you intended on expanding on that part of it?

Though his library of songs is well over 70 by now, there's always room for one more great jam.

Fix the previous issue and this "though" won't feel like repetition, but it does now. Also, I'd keep that number of songs less specific. How do you feel about "several dozen"?

Personally, I don't think this needs a whole lot more work. Having never played Animal Crossing, I feel like the character has been taken out of context somewhat (there are songs? You can play songs at home?), but I'd add no more than one paragraph to what you already have to fix that issue - if it really is an issue. You are, of course, free to make whatever changes you want, or start over completely, should you so desire, but I think this first draft came out pretty well.

Edited May 8, 2013 by Dafydd

[Abadoss]

Also, am I supposed to know what song "Free Bird" is, or is this an inside joke?

"Free Bird" is like "Stairway to Heaven" for keyboardists... It's a very popular song.

[Dafydd]

"Free Bird" is like "Stairway to Heaven" for keyboardists... It's a very popular song.

So it's just me, then. Still, is that song in the game, or...?

[Abadoss]

So it's just me, then. Still, is that song in the game, or...?

I have no idea. It's by

.

[Mirby]

Good start!

Repetition of the word "player". "he'll show up in the player's town, ready to give them a free concert." fixes that issue, but isn't completely solid either.

I'll see how I can reword it.

By "a certain one", do you mean that there's just one single song that he'll always play, no questions asked, or any specific one? Just making sure. Also, am I supposed to know what song "Free Bird" is, or is this an inside joke?

Any specific one from his repertoire. If you request K.K. Chorale, he'll play that. If you request DJ K.K. he'll play that. So on and so forth.

I threw in the Free Bird joke because it's a gag to request it at live shows, regardless of who is playing or what genre they specialize in. It's not in the game, but seeing as he is a musician who plays a concert, I thought it would be a humorous touch. I'll remove it though if you think it really detracts from the whole thing.

I feel like there's a contrast here from the previous sentence, and would prefer "However, there are also a few songs" or similar.

Conversely, there is no conflict between having a mysterious past and being talented at a variety of styles, so I don't see a reason to start this sentence with "Though". I'm guessing you intended on expanding on that part of it?

Fix the previous issue and this "though" won't feel like repetition, but it does now. Also, I'd keep that number of songs less specific. How do you feel about "several dozen"?

These seem to come down to wording choices. I'll work on those.

Personally, I don't think this needs a whole lot more work. Having never played Animal Crossing, I feel like the character has been taken out of context somewhat (there are songs? You can play songs at home?), but I'd add no more than one paragraph to what you already have to fix that issue - if it really is an issue. You are, of course, free to make whatever changes you want, or start over completely, should you so desire, but I think this first draft came out pretty well.

Well when you first get your house in most AC games (not having played New Leaf since it isn't out here yet, I can't say for sure if the same thing happens in that), you have a radio in your house. You can put the singles that K.K. Slider gives you after you request those songs into the radio to play them in your house. If you deem it necessary, I'll add that in.

----EDIT----

"Those industry fat cats try to put a price on my music, but it wants to be free."

Totakeke, or K.K. Slider as he is more commonly known, is a rather relaxed canine musician who wanders the world of Animal Crossing. Every Saturday night, he'll show up in town, ready to give a free concert to whoever shows up. He doesn't mind playing a random track, but you can request a song (no, he won't play Free Bird no matter how much you beg him) and he'll start playing it for you, no questions asked, provided it's a track from his repertoire. He'll even give you a copy of the song for you to play on your home radio afterwards, free of charge. However, there are a few songs he keeps secret except to those in the know, and can only be played by special request.

Although very little is known about his past, it can be presumed that he has spent quite a bit of time perfecting his art; as a result, he is talented at a variety of musical styles, and can even be seen trading in his trademark guitar for a set of turntables (and some glasses) in Animal Crossing: New Leaf. What he does when he's not on stage playing music is unknown, though it wouldn't be too much of a leap to guess that he's out there somewhere, working on his next big hit. Even though his library already consists of several dozen well-loved songs, there's always room in his setlist for one more great jam.

Source:

http://animalcrossing.wikia.com/wiki/K.K._Slider

http://nookipedia.com/wiki/K.K._Slider

http://nookipedia.com/wiki/List_of_K.K._Songs

Edited May 10, 2013 by Mirby

[Dafydd]

I threw in the Free Bird joke because it's a gag to request it at live shows, regardless of who is playing or what genre they specialize in. It's not in the game, but seeing as he is a musician who plays a concert, I thought it would be a humorous touch. I'll remove it though if you think it really detracts from the whole thing.

Keep it. I'll wager I'm one of veeeery few people who didn't get the joke.

Well when you first get your house in most AC games (not having played New Leaf since it isn't out here yet, I can't say for sure if the same thing happens in that), you have a radio in your house. You can put the singles that K.K. Slider gives you after you request those songs into the radio to play them in your house. If you deem it necessary, I'll add that in.

Nah. I think the new version you just posted clears a few things up.

but you can request one (no, he won't play Free Bird no matter how much you ask) and he'll start playing it for you, no questions asked, provided it's a track from his repertoire.

I'd like to move that Free Bird joke to the end of the sentence, like so:

but you can request one and he'll start playing it for you, no questions asked, provided it's a track from his repertoire (no, he won't play Free Bird no matter how much you ask).

but the real issue may be the word "ask" so closely followed by "asked".

Though his origins are shrouded in mystery, none seem to have attempted to dig up whatever secrets may lie there

I think this sounds a little too much like... I dunno, Lord of the Rings? It's a weird change of style from the rest of the bio. Turn the RPG knob down a little

You are now also using a semicolon in 3 consecutive sentences.

I'm really tired atm and am having trouble finding the right words for what I'm trying to say, but I figured you'd prefer that over waiting until tomorrow for more feedback. Again, overall, I like this bio.

[Mirby]

okay, edited it in the previous post

[WiFiSunset]

Animal Crossing is a Super fun game (I've played all of them so far), and I remember that free bird joke X).

Love the bio, keep it up !

[Dafydd]

He doesn't mind playing a random track, but you can request a song (no, he won't play Free Bird no matter how much you beg him) and he'll start playing it for you, no questions asked, provided it's a track from his repertoire.

He doesn't mind playing a random track, but you can request a song? I think "so" would be better than "but" in this case. Am I missing something?

Although very little is known about his past, it can be presumed that he has spent quite a bit of time perfecting his art; as a result, he is talented at a variety of musical styles

I think the "as a result" makes it sound like the fact he's talented at a variety of styles is a result of the presumption that he has spent time practicing, and not the act of practicing itself. I'd drop that phrase, leaving you with "perfecting his art; he is talented".

it wouldn't be too much of a leap to guess that he's out there somewhere

is really wordy. Is it another joke, perhaps? One about how he never does anything but work on his next big hit, and everyone knows it all too well?

Animal Crossing is a Super fun game (I've played all of them so far), and I remember that free bird joke X).

Wait - "remember"? From where? From the game? Edited May 10, 2013 by Dafydd

[WiFiSunset]

He doesn't mind playing a random track, but you can request a song? I think "so" would be better than "but" in this case. Am I missing something?

Wait - "remember"? From where? From the game?

I think that "but" would work, because K.K. gives you the choice of either selecting a song, or letting him play a random one.

Yeah , I remember that from the first game. I first played it in 06', and remembering that brings back some nostalgia. I believe he says that when you first meet him.

[Mirby]

He never mentions Free Bird in game, but being the pop culture reference that it is (the song is from the 70s, after all) I'm sure countless people tried requesting it, to no avail of course.

Also, Cosmic Sounds has the right of it; you can just hear him choose a song yourself if you want, but you don't have to. You can request one (or in City Folk, have him pick one based on your mood, but i didn't mention that because that would be wordy).

As for the "it wouldn't be too much of a leap" line, that was the result of me avoiding using semicolons in successive sentences and saying the same words again as well. It's not a joke at all; he loves making music, and wants everyone to hear it. That's a big part behind the quote I chose.

I could remove the "as a result" but I really like how it works to transition from the postulation about his past into his talents; otherwise it just seems sudden and stilted. In addition, it's not really a result of a presumption that could be false. Very few people are just born incredibly talented and require no practice whatsoever to keep that level intact. It generally takes years to hone an art, which is what I was referencing with that phrasing.

=====

"Those industry fat cats try to put a price on my music, but it wants to be free."

Totakeke, or K.K. Slider as he is more commonly known, is a rather relaxed canine musician who wanders the world of Animal Crossing. Every Saturday night, he'll show up in town, ready to give a free concert to whoever shows up. He doesn't mind playing a random track, but you can request a song (no, he won't play Free Bird no matter how much you beg him) and he'll start playing it for you, no questions asked, provided it's a track from his repertoire. He'll even give you a copy of the song for you to play on your home radio afterwards, free of charge. However, there are a few songs he keeps secret except to those in the know, and can only be played by special request.

Although very little is known about his past, it can be presumed that he has spent quite a bit of time perfecting his art; naturally, he is talented at a variety of musical styles, and can even be seen trading in his trademark guitar for a set of turntables (and some glasses) in Animal Crossing: New Leaf. What he does when he's not on stage playing music is unknown, though it is quite likely that he's out there somewhere, working on his next big hit. Even though his library already consists of several dozen well-loved songs, there's always room in his setlist for one more great jam.

Source:

http://animalcrossing.wikia.com/wiki/K.K._Slider

http://nookipedia.com/wiki/K.K._Slider

http://nookipedia.com/wiki/List_of_K.K._Songs

[Dafydd]

I think that "but" would work, because K.K. gives you the choice of either selecting a song, or letting him play a random one.

Gotcha, sorry about that.

Yeah , I remember that from the first game. I first played it in 06', and remembering that brings back some nostalgia. I believe he says that when you first meet him.

So the joke wasn't just Mirby's idea, huh? Cool.

He never mentions Free Bird in game, but being the pop culture reference that it is (the song is from the 70s, after all) I'm sure countless people tried requesting it, to no avail of course.

So... which is it? Not that it matters at all as far as the bio is concerned, I'm just curious.

Also, Cosmic Sounds has the right of it; you can just hear him choose a song yourself if you want, but you don't have to. You can request one (or in City Folk, have him pick one based on your mood, but i didn't mention that because that would be wordy).

Yeah, again, I'm sorry I didn't get that the first time. I guess this is part of why we don't just edit your bios for you (even though we could, if we wanted to).

As for the "it wouldn't be too much of a leap" line, that was the result of me avoiding using semicolons in successive sentences and saying the same words again as well. It's not a joke at all; he loves making music, and wants everyone to hear it. That's a big part behind the quote I chose.

Ok. What I meant was that the phrasing sounds sarcastic; I picture it being said by e.g. a parent disappointed in their kid's choice of hobbies, like "Have you seen John?" "No, but I wouldn't be too much of a leap to guess he's in the basement, in front of his computer as usual" as another way of saying "He's probably in the basement, in front of his computer as usual, and it bothers me" or something. I've been spending a lot of time with people who use this type of sarcasm as their primary form of communication, so I could be over-analyzing this, but I still think it's a little wordy.

About the semicolon, your usage of it is a little strange to me; compare it to this sentence, and the one in the above paragraph I just wrote (I'm overdoing it to give examples). Instead of having the part of the sentence following the semicolon explain or elaborate on the one preceding it, as I did above, your usage is reversed, so that what comes after the semicolon follows from the statement before it. In other words, you're using the semicolon as a "so" or "as a result" (as you wrote), while I'd use it as a "because" or "since". Both are probably correct. It still sounds like you're saying that of course he's talented, and it's because you can presume he's spent a bit of time practicing - when what would make sense is to say that

* it can be presumed that he must have spent a lot of time practicing, because he's really good at several styles (which is what you'd get by dropping "as a result"), or that

* one might presume that he must have spent a lot of time practicing, but actually, he's just really talented (if that's what you're getting at), or that

* it can be presumed that he must have spent a lot of time practicing, but he's also naturally talented to begin with.

I'm sorry if I'm making this more complicated than it needs to be, but that sentence just isn't making sense to me as it is now. I must be misunderstanding you somehow.

I'm also not sure what you mean by "talented"; some people use it interchangeably with "skilled", which I think is incorrect, but must still always assume to possibly be what people mean by it (hey, another semicolon!).

Thanks for your patience so far - we're almost there.

Edited May 10, 2013 by Dafydd

[WiFiSunset]

Gotcha, sorry about that.

So the joke wasn't just Mirby's idea, huh? Cool.

So... which is it? Not that it matters at all as far as the bio is concerned, I'm just curious.

Thanks for your patience so far - we're almost there.

It's Fine .

That was a number of things. 1. I associated "my music wants to be Free", with free bird, 2a. Have you ever had that experience to where about a possible secret in the game, and search high and low for it?.....Yeah, I think that's what happened , and 2b. I think my memory's messing with me xD. I looked it up, and it's not in the game.

I have more recent memory of K.K. from City Folk, and Wild World, but the main difference is that in those 2 games K.K. is in "The Roost". While on the original he's sitting on a box in front of the Train Station. There are also a few "unlockable" songs in the game as well, in the sense that you learn about them as you progress through the game. So it was probably a combination of all those things. Sorry about the confusion .

[Dafydd]

No problem, but thanks for clarifying.

[Liontamer]

EDIT: Also, I'm more than willing to call it that Amaterasu, Pikachu, and Skull Kid will DEFINITELY make it into the next group of added mascots at this rate. Anyone wanna start those?

Since K.K.'s wrapping up, just putting this out there again for anyone that wants first dibs.

[Dafydd]

Thanks for the reminder, LT.