OCR Mascot Bios - 20 more up for grabs!

[Darklink42]

Edits have been made above. I went with "closest friends" and added some specificity about their exit as well, since "departed" by itself didn't sound right.

I love working in this thread, I always get to learn new things about the English language. I'm also going to give some serious thought about how to incorporate oobalabooba (not a capitalized word ) into a conversation.

Edited July 1, 2013 by Darklink42

[Dafydd]

Missed this earlier:

"grips bounty hunter Samus Aran in his claws..."

I agree the wording should probably not be identicaly in both bios, but this particular wording makes it sound like Samus is just some random, very unlucky bounty hunter, and like he does this on a daily basis, as casually as brushing his teeth in the morning or watching tv after work. I'll have to think of something else.

Einsteinium

Seriously, there are capitalized chemical elements? ... you guys should just do what the Germans do and capitalize every noun ever. Now I'll have to look them all up every time I hear one I haven't heard before. And the verbs! Oh, the humanity...

However, "according to IUPAC, chemical elements are not proper nouns in English; consequently, the full name of an element is not routinely capitalized in English, even if derived from a proper noun, as in californium and einsteinium."

Congratulations, this thread is the only place your word appears.

Well, that's 5 bucks down the drain. I'd make a fine Australian, though, coming up with a word like that all on my own.

enhancing the anger and loneliness he felt when some of his closest friends departed one night and never returned.

Edits have been made above. I went with "closest friends" and added some specificity about their exit as well, since "departed" by itself didn't sound right.

How about "abandoned him" instead of "departed"? Also, I can't seem to think of the appropriate word now, but, rather than "enhancing", something like "feeding on" or similar, the same expression used when saying that, say, the nazis (Nazis?) were feeding on the poverty, dissent and high unemployment in Germany when they rose to power (assuming they did - I'm just making stuff up right now). I'm not sure "feeding on" is really what I'm looking for, but I think it would work better than "enhance" because it sounds so positive to my ears, when what you're really saying is something negative. Not that feeding is a bad thing...

EDIT: Then again, saying the mask is feeding on his anger doesn't mean it's making him more angry. Or less. And maybe the mask isn't feeding on anything. I just thought it sounded dark and nice. And maybe "enhance" isn't a positive word at all. How about "amplify", then?

I love working in this thread, I always get to learn new things about the English language.

Amen to that!

I'm also going to give some serious thought about how to incorporate Oobalabooba into a conversation.

Noooo! I made that word up, I get to decide it's not capitalized!

Edited July 1, 2013 by Dafydd

[Darklink42]

Moved up and edited once more. I like "abandoned", but I added "seemingly" since the truth is ambiguous (to someone who hasn't played through.) Does that weaken the sentence though? Also changed "enhanced" to "deepened". Thoughts?

Introduced in The Legend of Zelda: Ocarina of Time, Skull Kids are impish creatures that live within the mysterious Lost Woods. Unlike the monsters of the forest, Skull Kids don’t appear to be evil, merely mischievous. They are said to have once been children who wandered too far into the forest and were transformed by the forbidden air. While their trickery can tend toward cruelty, in the end they’ve helped Link, the Hero of Time, on his quests more often than hindered him. It’s only when they come into contact with adults that they turn violent, displaying a childlike fear that is the last remnant of their former lives.

One Skull Kid in particular formed a friendship with Link, happily trading music and masks with him whenever the hero returned to the woods. What began with a chance musical jam, however, would later force Link to undertake a quest in an alternate world closely related to his own: Termina. In The Legend of Zelda: Majora’s Mask, the Skull Kid ambushes a wandering salesman and steals a mask of great evil. Known as Majora’s Mask, it subtly takes control of the Skull Kid, negatively influencing his personality and granting him access to dark magic, which he uses to pull down the moon from the sky in order to destroy the world. He also waylays Link, stealing his possessions and later transforming him into Deku Link. Although the people of Termina, and Link himself, have reason to fear and hate the Skull Kid, his fairy friend Tatl maintains a different perspective. She believes that the mask completely possessed the forest imp, deepening the anger and loneliness he felt when some of his closest friends abandoned him one night and didn't come back.

Edited July 7, 2013 by Darklink42

[Unununium]

I'm also going to give some serious thought about how to incorporate oobalabooba (not a capitalized word ) into a conversation.

A word that musical deserves to be a mix title here on OCR.

"according to IUPAC, chemical elements are not proper nouns in English; consequently, the full name of an element is not routinely capitalized in English, even if derived from a proper noun, as in californium and einsteinium."

"Unununium" is a proper noun since it's my name.

[Dafydd]

Moved up and edited once more. I like "abandoned", but I added "seemingly" since the truth is ambiguous (to someone who hasn't played through.) Does that weaken the sentence though? Also changed "enhanced" to "deepened". Thoughts?

"Deepened" works for me. "Seemingly" does sound rather weak, yeah. Are you saying they didn't actually abandon him? If they never returned, I'd say that's what they did. I've read your sources and I still don't get the whole picture.

"Unununium" is a proper noun since it's my name.

zircon spells his uncapitalized. So clearly, proper nouns can be in all lower case. (I'm going to be doing this for a few more posts. Sorry)

[Unununium]

zircon spells his uncapitalized. So clearly, proper nouns can be in all lower case.

But zircon's not an element like me, it's the compound ZrSiO4. Zirconium's the element. Heh. I think the point is that people get to make up their own capitalization rules whenever they name stuff, much to the consternation of biographers and such. Yeah, sorry I've not been contributing to this thread, just reading along, learning what I can, and mostly thinking "looks good" about whatever I see.

[Darklink42]

"Deepened" works for me. "Seemingly" does sound rather weak, yeah. Are you saying they didn't actually abandon him? If they never returned, I'd say that's what they did. I've read your sources and I still don't get the whole picture.

Eventually, Link finds out that the giants left because they had a duty to fulfill, not because they were angry with the Skull Kid. But that's nothing something that's really found out fully until the end of the game when the four giants are all awoken and called forth. In the mean time the Skull Kid was convinced it was because they were angry with him, and had left him behind to be lonely and miserable.

[Dafydd]

But zircon's not an element like me, it's the compound ZrSiO4.

I didn't know that. Thanks! Imagine if his name was Zersio 4. That's almost Sergio 4. Could be anything. And Italian.

Yeah, sorry I've not been contributing to this thread, just reading along, learning what I can, and mostly thinking "looks good" about whatever I see.

Haha, "sorry"? It's not like you owe us anything. That said, you're welcome to chime in anytime: the contributions you've made so far have all been superb, and much appreciated (did I use the colon correctly there?)

Eventually, Link finds out that the giants left because they had a duty to fulfill, not because they were angry with the Skull Kid. But that's nothing something that's really found out fully until the end of the game when the four giants are all awoken and called forth. In the mean time the Skull Kid was convinced it was because they were angry with him, and had left him behind to be lonely and miserable.

I see. Well, yeah, you don't want spoilers in the bio, but you might have to write a few here now and then to get me to understand what it is you're trying to avoid revealing. Anyway, I don't see how "abandon" (even without "seemingly") necessarily has to mean you're leaving someone because of that someone rather than external circumstances. M-w gave these examples, among others:

• The approaching fire forced hundreds of people to abandon their homes.
  
• The officer refused to abandon his post.
  

In both these cases, it's a matter of leaving something you'd rather not. So if you want to say that the giants didn't really abandon (as in "forsake") Skull Kid, it's more like they didn't even realize how upset he would be about being abandoned (as in "left behind") than that they didn't do it because of any animosity. Either way, I think "abandoned" would work fine on its own, but if you disagree, I suggest something more ambiguous to get rid of the "seemingly".

and never returned

Would it be too trite to say "never to return"? "And never returned" sounds so definitive, especially since they left one night "and never returned". Unless you're saying they "never returned" that night, in which case, Skull Kid is clearly over-reacting.

I think those are my final concerns about this article, and I'd like to get it done soon so we can start hacking away at the other 5 outstanding bios. Not that I'm not having a good time.

Just out of curiosity, what difference does changing the colon for a semicolon or a dash in "an alternate world closely related to his own: Termina" do? Which of these punctuation marks is the least and most ambiguous, respectively, with regards to which world is referred to by "Termina"; his own, or the alternate one?

Edited July 2, 2013 by Dafydd

[Darklink42]

In this case, the colon is for introducing the subject of the clause before it. It's sort of an emphasis shortcut. A semi-colon wouldn't fit there because they are supposed to be used to join two stand alone clauses rather than emphasize. A dash is typically used as a pause indicator, and is what people (IMO) ought to use instead of an ellipsis at the end of sentences that trail off as well. I'm just going off of memory here though. Stylistically I could have gone with a comma, but that ends up kind of blah. I see your point about the ambiguity though. I'll mess around with it and see if I can up with something better.

-"force Link to undertake a quest in Termina: an alternate world closely related to his (their?) own" Maybe?

I took the "seemingly" out, I think you're right about the sense of finality not being out of place, as far as that goes. I think I also like "never to return," it gives the sentence more flair. Consider it added.

Edited July 2, 2013 by Darklink42

[Dafydd]

I'm just going off of memory here though.

That's what I was going for, really.

-"force Link to undertake a quest in Termina: an alternate world closely related to his (their?) own" Maybe?

Here's what I don't really get about the colon: I thought that, in order for a colon to work, it would also have to work with a period. But "to undertake a quest in Termina. An alternate world closely related to his own" obviously doesn't work, other than possibly in a book title. A comma would work better. So why not a semi-colon? I must have tried to work this out so many times before and I still don't get it.

Edited July 2, 2013 by Dafydd

[Darklink42]

http://leo.stcloudstate.edu/punct/col-semi.html

http://www.gcsu.edu/writingcenter/colonrules.htm

These two help a lot with that. In the way the bio is now: "closely related to his own: Termina", the colon can't be replaced by a semicolon because Termina is the explanation for the alternate world of the previous sentence. My proposed alternative: "a quest in Termina: an alternate world...", is more ambiguous as far as the usage goes, which makes it, now that I'm thinking about it, an unfair sentence to use as an example. But I went with the colon because I perceived the sentence that followed to be an explanation of the previous, not a stand-alone, related sentence by itself. I've never been 100% clear on that particular use of a semicolon, since the situations in which it, the colon, and the comma can be used all overlap slightly. It's entirely possible in the second sentence that I incorrectly used a colon, and should have put a semicolon instead.

Disclaimer: I just woke from a nap and am a little woozy, but I think I'm making sense. Someone correct me if I'm wrong.

http://theoatmeal.com/comics/semicolon (also this, for fun.)

Edited July 2, 2013 by Darklink42

[Polo]

"Never to return" sounds just as definitive as "and never returned" to me. I can see the value in those phrases (they make the abandonment meaningful and explain the Skull Kid's feelings), but the giants do return (if only once), and the sentence could end on a thoughtful note, highlighting the uncertainty/confusion/need to know the truth. "...some of his closest friends abandoned him...":

and left him hurting.

without him understanding why.

for reasons his childish mind couldn't fathom.

for reasons yet unknown.

-"force Link to undertake a quest in Termina: an alternate world closely related to his (their?) own" Maybe?

Nah, I say keep your original wording. The "alternate world" detail is the main idea, and the name of it is an expected follow-through. Also, you're using the colon correctly.

[Darklink42]

Last sentence has been changed once more. Is it odd that I look forward to reading your guys' thoughts and edits on these?

[Unununium]

Is it odd that I look forward to reading your guys' thoughts and edits on these?

I hope not, 'cuz I share your anticipation. I've struggled long over subtle matters of wording, trying my best to efficiently explain complex, technical subjects, so I definitely appreciate the value of this thread.

[Mirby]

After a brief delay, Mk. III of the Blues Bio is done (named as such purely for the alliteration).

I still refuse to use the MMKB.

---

*whistles*

Sometime before Dr. Thomas Light created Mega Man, there was a different robot he worked on. This robot, Proto Man, was the first creation of Light, although it wasn't long after completion that Proto Man fled the lab for reasons he felt were right. After some time, the evil Dr. Albert Wily found him in a state of disrepair and fixed him up. As a result of this, Proto Man got equipped with new battle gear. Under the alias Break Man, he put these new weapons to use in an attempt to stop Mega Man in Mega Man 3. Despite these initial confrontations, he stopped helping Dr. Wily out in Mega Man 4, when Wily kidnapped a young girl to blackmail her father. Proto Man saved the girl, which allowed his "little brother" of sorts to stop Wily. After that, Proto Man took a neutral approach to the conflicts started by the bat-haired maniac, only interfering when he feels it is absolutely necessary.

Proto Man is often seen wearing his trademark black shades and a slick yellow scarf, and he almost always hides his brown hair under his helmet. He also is known to whistle to announce his arrival before he shows up, almost without fail. He prefers more mysterious clothing while dressing casually, such as trenchcoats and slacks. These facets of his character work collectively to uphold the aura of coolness he continually projects. He feels conflicted in regards to the ongoing war between Dr. Light and Dr. Wily; one is to thank for giving him life and the other is responsible for saving it, yet the two are constantly at odds with each other. Proto Man enjoys his life of solitude, and consequently seldom keeps in contact with those concerned about him. But no matter what happens, he always looks out for Mega Man; after all, isn't that his duty as the older brother?

http://wiki.themmnetwork.com/index.php?title=Proto_Man

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Proto_Man

Edited July 7, 2013 by Mirby

[Dafydd]

"Never to return" sounds just as definitive as "and never returned" to me.

Yeah, I don't know why I said that. I think what I was trying to say, though, was that by "and never returned", it sounds like Skull Kid felt abandoned only after he realizing they weren't going to return, while "never to return" is less definitive in that all it says is that they didn't return. Both are incorrect, however, if they did in fact return. And you're probably right that an altogether different phrase would be a better ending. I didn't really like any of your suggestions (sorry), but I think you're on the right track.

I say keep your original wording.

Agreed.

Last sentence has been changed once more. Is it odd that I look forward to reading your guys' thoughts and edits on these?

You're either looking forward to wrapping it up, a masochist, or very, very lonely - all of which is (are?) perfectly normal.

After a brief delay, Mk. III of the Blues Bio is done (named as such purely for the alliteration).

I generally like the second paragraph, especially the ending. I don't like the first paragraph, and I've been hesitant to try to explain why until I figured it out, but here it is: sometimes bios have sentences written in a style that doesn't fit with the rest, but in your first paragraph, this happens a on phrase-by-phrase basis in nearly every sentence. I'll mark it down for ya - bolded means daily speech style, italicized means written style, and normal means I don't know:

Sometime before Dr. Thomas Light created Mega Man, there was a different robot he worked on. This robot, Proto Man, was to be the first creation of Light, although it wasn't long after his creation that Proto Man fled the lab for reasons he felt were right. At some point after his departure, the evil Dr. Albert Wily found him in a state of disrepair and fixed him up. As a result of this, he got equipped with new battle gear. Under the alias Break Man, it was put to use in an attempt to stop Mega Man in Mega Man 3. Despite the initial confrontations, he stopped helping Dr. Wily out in Mega Man 4, when Wily kidnapped a young girl to blackmail her father. Proto Man saved the girl which allowed his "little brother" of sorts to stop Wily. From here on out, Proto Man took a neutral approach to the continuous conflicts, only interfering when he feels it is absolutely necessary.

It's not so much the phrases in and of themselves as the contrast in style from one phrase to the next. I'm pretty sure it's a result of trying to reword things to avoid plagiarizing, rather than rewriting it all from scratch. I'm glad you got rid of the more technical details, by the way.

Also, "under the alias Break Man, it was put to use". Does "it" refer to Proto Man, or the new battle gear?

Also, "only interfering when he feels it is absolutely necessary" should be "felt". But it's also all happening in the future, which makes this complicated...

Edited July 5, 2013 by Dafydd

[Mirby]

i just changed that "it" to "these weapons" (and the following "was" to "were")

also i like to write things with my own style which tends to switch between written and speech (it's also how I tend to talk). all writers tend to have their own voice when they find it that makes their writing unique, and this is mine. i can't really change those phrases without killing my own voice, and for reasons i'd hope are obvious i can't exactly do that.

[Darklink42]

She believes that the mask completely possessed the forest imp, deepening the anger and loneliness he felt after his closest friends abandoned him one night [and did not come back].

We'll keep working this thing until it shines!

Edit: not to make things more complicated, but if we go with the above, would the correct phrase be "had not" or "were not"?

Edited July 6, 2013 by Darklink42

[Polo]

Proto Man: Quite a notable improvement. I agree that your own voice comes through better while you've 1) distilled Proto Man's origin to the essentials and 2) offered just enough extra info (his appearance and alliances) to give an engaging impression of the dude.

Now for cleanup:

- "was to be the first creation" --> The words "to be" imply that Dr. Light never actually got around to building Proto Man, or that there's an extra meaning to the title of "creation" that isn't established (is Proto Man a scientific breakthrough? a household companion?). To save you the trouble, cut "to be."

- "it wasn't long after his creation" --> "it wasn't long after completion" (so you don't have "creation" twice in the same sentence)

- "At some point after his departure" --> I know this clause refers to Proto Man, but it's a little close to Dr. Wily's name drop, and you already say that Proto Man leaves. So the words "his departure" make me do a double take. You can express the time passage a different way, like: "After some time..." or "At a later point in time..." or something. I'm sure you can find a working substitute.

- "he got equipped" --> Change "he" to "Proto Man" or "the robot" so there's no chance of mistaking "he" for Dr. W.

- "Under the alias Break Man" --> This would feel more complete either with the word "of" following "alias" or with "Break Man" in quotations, methinks (or both).

- "these weapons were put to use" --> Following the clause above, this part sounds like the weapons, not Proto Man himself, were called Break Man. I suggest rewording this to "he used these weapons" or "he put these weapons to use" to make the "who" factor clear.

- "Proto Man saved the girl which allowed" --> Feels like either there's a comma missing after "girl," or "which" should be replaced by "and" to make this part make perfect sense. Take your pick.

- "From here on out" --> Personal gripe, but this sounds just a little bit too casual. Try "From this point on" or something else.

- "continuous conflicts" --> This implies it's already been established that Light and Wily are constantly at it, which doesn't come up until the second paragraph. You can say "Proto Man took a neutral approach to other conflicts initiated (or whatever) by Wily," but then you'd have to worry about the abundance of "Wily" iterations in this paragraph. (You can change one or two to "the mad scientist" or "the evil doctor" or similar for variety.)

- "when he feels it is absolutely necessary" --> For the sake of keeping with the past tense throughout the paragraph, this should indeed read "and only interfered when he felt it (was) absolutely necessary." Alternatively, you can switch to a more prominent present tense via "Having learned from this incident, Proto Man now takes a neutral approach..." if you want to keep the present tense you currently have going.

- The first two sentences of the second paragraph should move a chunk of info from one to the other, i.e.: Proto Man whistling before appearing should be one sentence, and wearing a helmet, shades, and a scarf to hide his hair should be another. Better focus of ideas this way.

- "He prefers more mysterious clothes while in casual attire" --> Aren't clothes and attire the same thing? Maybe "attire" can be "wear," or "while in casual attire" can be "while dressing casually."

- "Regardless of this" --> Cut "of this" (makes sense without it)

- "he always looks out for his Mega Man" --> Sounds like Proto Man "owns" Mega Man, if you know what I mean. ^_~ (cut "his")

She believes that the mask completely possessed the forest imp, deepening the anger and loneliness he felt when some of his closest friends abandoned him one night for unknown reasons and hadn't been heard from since.

For now, all I can think of to make this more workable would be to cut "for unknown reasons." The other part, "and hadn't been heard from since," gives the Skull Kid a reason to be distressed over his friends' non-communication and sets up the (true) possibility of them returning. Or did you have something else in mind, Daf?

[Mirby]

actually "his Mega Man" was a mistake that I hadn't even noticed. kinky~

fixing up now

and it's edited in the previous post.

Edited July 5, 2013 by Mirby

[Dafydd]

She believes that the mask completely possessed the forest imp, deepening the anger and loneliness he felt when some of his closest friends abandoned him one night for unknown reasons and hadn't been heard from since.

For now, all I can think of to make this more workable would be to cut "for unknown reasons."

Agreed.

The other part, "and hadn't been heard from since," gives the Skull Kid a reason to be distressed over his friends' non-communication and sets up the (true) possibility of them returning. Or did you have something else in mind, Daf?

It gets weird when you say he's lonely when some of his friends left and hadn't been heard from since. Their leaving was more or less instantaneous, but the not being heard from is a long-term thing. Maybe switching the "when" for an "after". And maybe "and didn't come back" rather than "hadn't been heard from since". So,

deepening the anger and loneliness he felt after some of his closest friends abandoned him one night and didn't come back.

I hope we haven't already had this exact wording in a previous version and are just running this in an endless cycle.

[Darklink42]

Does it hurt anything particularly if we simply leave the sentence to end at "...abandoned him one night?" If it doesn't work, your suggestion works for me.

I think part of the problem with the sentence is that we're trying to balance out what we know will happen with what the Skull Kid knows about where he's at within the time frame of the bio. I don't disagree that it's disingenuous to say "never" only to have them come back during the game. The ending of the sentence seems to ultimately hinge on whether we decide that the reader is privy to the hint of something more developing, or whether we leave the moment shrouded in mystery.

[Polo]

S'more suggestions for Blues:

- "Despite the initial confrontations" --> I think "the" should be "these" to make it clear that this refers to the Break Man vs. Mega Man scuffles (otherwise the next words almost suggest the confrontations were between Proto Man and Wily).

- "bathaired maniac" --> Ha ha ha, I love this phrase. Just be sure to add a hyphen (bat-haired) so it can't be misread as "bath aired."

- "Proto Man wears his trademark black shades and a slick yellow scarf" --> Just to avoid the misunderstanding that that's ALL he wears and is naked otherwise, you can clarify that these are part of his appearance, like: "Proto Man wears [...] as part of his iconic outfit"; or: "Proto Man is often seen wearing [...]"

- "and almost always hides" --> "and HE almost always hides" (+1 word for sentence completion)

- "He also is known to whistle to announce his arrival, no matter what" --> This can be interpreted as whistling after showing up, not before. And I know you like to use "no matter what" regularly, but its placement here is like saying Proto Man will not or cannot appear without whistling first under any condition, like it's a law or something (even if it is rote by his standards, it still reads weird). Alternatives like "He also is known to whistle to announce his imminent arrival (on the scene)" or "He also is known to whistle before he appears/shows up/makes himself visible" would work better.

- "These facets of his appearance" --> If you're also covering his shades, scarf, and helmet, you'll have to move that sentence close to the one about his mysterious casual wear so you don't lump in his "whistling before appearing" schtick (well, that technically COULD count toward his "appearance" [showing up and giving a strong impression to those present], but it doesn't make for smooth or easy reading). So, you can a) start the 2nd paragraph with the whistling sentence and follow through with the outfit sentences to keep "of his appearance" intact, or change that phrase to "These idiosyncrasies" or "These facets of his character" or something else.

- "He enjoys his life of solitude" --> Change "He" to "Proto Man" to smoothly get back on track after talking about Light and Wily.

As for that pesky Skull Kid ending:

deepening the anger and loneliness he felt after some of his closest friends abandoned him one night and didn't come back.

I third this. Leaving it as "abandoned him one night" feels incomplete. Dafydd wins the word wars.

[Mirby]

Mark V is in place over Mark IV (which was placed over Mark III)

[Dafydd]

Does it hurt anything particularly if we simply leave the sentence to end at "...abandoned him one night?" If it doesn't work, your suggestion works for me.

I was considering it, but as Polo said, it feels incomplete.

So, all three of us happy now?