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Everything posted by Dafydd

  1. Can we do 'who' instead of 'that'? The second comma feels a little strange after adding "who speaks in rhymes", but if you say it's not a problem, then fine. Didn't notice it before, but two consecutive clauses end in 'around'. Maybe it's not a problem, but if you can think of anything, do tell. Should we capitalize the f in 'find', or not? We didn't mention any other abilities, so this feels a little out of place. How about "She also has the ability to dissolve" for congruence with "Because of this, she has a Power Suit-like appearance"?
  2. No, those are also lame. Sorry . I'm OK with just "who speaks in rhymes", I think I'm just disappointed by this discovery. I mean, I didn't enjoy Banjo-Tooie very much, but this... sequels... *sighs, mutters, shakes head* Yeah, well, you know, that's just, like, your opinion, man. And I agree. Right. I should know better after all this time. The reassemble part feels redundant, yeah. It should be obvious enough that diffusing into a cloud isn't a one-time, no-going-back kind of ability. It would also rid us of a rhyme...
  3. I'd like to leave it out, yeah. So, like this? Sounds a little bit like the dissolving is involuntary, though.
  4. Darn. "who speaks in rhymes" doesn't have the same rhythm to it, but it'll have to do. Unless you're OK with "mostly" as a replacement, but otoh that sounds kind of lame. Thanks for proving me wrong You're right. Hmmmm. Yeah, lair it is. Sorry, heh. True. Your suggested version seems to imply that Banjo is ever alone, but I could be wrong about that, and maybe it doesn't matter anyway. Let's go with your version. To clarify, because you sound disappointed, I think we should do it your way.
  5. I'm ashamed to admit to not getting it at first (the word sounds kind of funny in just about any situation), but "handy" gets my thumbs up. I vote for "One of his handier moves". has the word "one" twice in close proximity. I think this sentence would sound better with the latter one exchanged for "someone", but maybe it would subtly change the message in ways with which you would disagree?About Banjo-Kazooie, I think the emotional attachment I have to the game is making it hard to let the bio slide with anything less than something that feels good inside, and I think what the bio is currently missing is some colorful detail. It feels dead, somehow. A few additions would spice things up a little bit, in my opinion: , although I'm still in favor of "Their adventure begins" over "The story begins". Seriously, the rhymes are too important to the feel of the game not to mention: http://banjokazooie.wikia.com/wiki/Gruntilda_Winkybunion/quotesAlso, Furthermore, I'd like to avoid the use of "perform" twice in such close proximity by something along the lines of However, I'll defer to your judgement on the tense in the next-to-final paragraph, Polo.Work and some kind of now-fading illness have left me exhausted lately. I don't recall ever having been as absent from this thread as I have been lately, but I really hope this will change very soon. Still no word form Borgman, so maybe we should try to iron out the last wrinkles ourselves? Also, nothing from Arrow (Shulk).
  6. I'm sorry, but I'll have to get back to you about this during or after the weekend. I'm back in wifi land now, though! Me either. I think he may have the record for waiting the longest now. Historically it's been a few days at most. I do not like this development, but it's entirely my fault. Nice work on Knuckles, btw. My only concern, I think, is the word "versatile", which has no definition I know of that seems to fit. Perhaps you can elaborate and motivate its use in this case?
  7. Got it. I'm undibbing Saren, because I'm having trouble writing anything that isn't a big spoiler. Tricky guy, even in written form, heh. I also PM'ed BorgMan about the Dark Samus bio since it's been over two weeks since the last version. In other news, I'm going on an adventure, and I'll be back in 2 weeks. During this time, I'm supposed to have wifi most of the time, so chances are you won't even notice any difference, but in case you do, now you know why. EDIT: no Internet until Tuesday 2/17.
  8. Nope, that's all I had. Thanks for another piece of nice work, Polo.
  9. I've updated my previous post, exchanging "his" for "its", to clarify, but I haven't changed my mind. If you say "My name is that of a king" you're saying "My name is the name of a king." But if you say "I share my name with that of a king", you're saying "I share my name with the name of a king" (whatever that means, do names have names?), not "I share my name with a king." I believe that saying "I share my name with that of a king" is the result of conflating "My name is that of a king" and "I share my name with a king".
  10. I disagree, and I'll get back to why very soon. Sorry for the wait, spajjder... Looks good! Only one question: We discussed the phrase "who shares his name and hairstyle with that of a well-known composer" where I took issue with "that", and you convinced me it was unfounded. I wonder, though, why you don't just say "who shares his name and hairstyle with a well-known composer". The way it's worded now, aren't you actually saying "who shares his name and hairstyle with the name and hairstyle of a well-known composer"? This worked well last time, so, you wrote: "A shares his B with the B of C" but what you want to say is "A shares his B with C." I share my name with a biblical character, not with the name of a biblical character, for instance. Nameception... This, which I consider to be an error, may be common usage of English, but that doesn't mean you can't use the shorter form (by dropping "that of"). I think the only way you can use "with that of" is if you do something like "A's D shares its B with the D of C", e.g. "Ludwig's dog shares its name and hairstyle with that of a famous composer", in which "that" or "those" indicate the composer's number of dogs and not the number of properties shared. Sure thing, I've marked it down as claimed.
  11. I honestly thought "that" was incorrect there. Interesting. Yeah, me either... I agree, I didn't think of that. OK, leave it as is. I think the real problem is that I think doing something "after jumping" as doing something after landing, not just the after lifting off. Since you wrote it the way you did, I'm probably wrong. "hit the ground hard enough after jumping" works. Just out of curiosity, though... would "land hard enough after jumping" imply bodily injury on Ludwig's part? Yes, a little weird. How about "Ludwig's abilities differ from game to game [or, between games], and are sometimes demonstrated by other Koopalings, but..."? It sounds a little more natural, I think. Well, I did some research on the guy and it looks like it was mostly used sarcastically back in the days of unmod. I hope I haven't hurt too many people's feelings by using it sincerely... OK, spajjder, thanks for sticking around! First of all, I still don't like the second paragraph. Saying "The plot revolves around" breaks the fourth wall unnecessarily, and the paragraph lacks flow and doesn't fit well with the surrounding ones. I still think it's a good idea to bring in the plot as early as the second paragraph, but it needs a little more work to fit in. I'll get back to how shortly. duo's I want the mid-air attacks after the jumping higher and farther, but then we run a risk of the egg firing being interpreted as a mid-air attack. Hmm... This paragraph would feel better in the future tense, I think. Again, you have "be able to" twice in close proximity. How about "Will Banjo and Kazooie save Tooty in time"? ... and even then, you have "Tooty" twice in the same sentence, which I'd like to avoid if possible. Btw, I just realized I've written "Tooie" instead of "Tooty" in several posts above.
  12. Sometimes, I wonder if we shouldn't source the quotes we use. Mario is Missing, eh? Now there's a game I would have never even known about if it wasn't for emulation... "to stand in Mario's way", but that's just a suggestion. The koopalings are persons, sort of, so I'd prefer "who" over "that". But, according to an earlier post, "that" is probably more correct. I don't know why I have such dislike of the word "that", but I do. Maybe it's only because "who" makes reading the sentence out loud easier by allowing you to bounce back from your teeth for one syllable. If he shares more than one thing, shouldn't it be "those" rather than "that"? Or would that instead imply they share more than one name and more than one hairstyle? By the way, I wonder why it's Ludwig von and not Ludwig van. Hmm. How do you feel about "Ludwig, like his brother Roy, can stomp the ground"? "hard enough when landing a jump", for accuracy? They're not two separate moves, as far as I know. Sounds a little bit too much like a legal document in its current wording. Also, I move for "other Koopalings, but no matter" instead of two separate sentences.On a final note, I'm trilled to have such A major key player on staff. It says "ToeJam & Earl" on the box, so if we changed it there, we should do the same for Banjo & Kazooie, too, yeah.
  13. I read the manual a little, and yeah, I see nothing in there to suggest she holds any grudges against Banjo (nor do I remember anything like it from the game), so yes, it's a contrast. Interestingly, according to the wiki, Banjo is the one who adopts Kazooie, not the other way around. The manual would seem the more reliable source, of course. The parantheses break the flow, and when I think about it, it should be obvious enough that the bear doesn't fly the bird around. Another option is to put the flying last: "Humorously, the bird is often the one carrying the bear, whether by hauling him on her back, which is actually both faster and more versatile than the other way around, or by letting him hang-glide under her wings as she flies him around." "Escort", after thinking about it for a while, doesn't imply, really, that there's any carrying going on. I went with "haul" because it sounds like you're carrying something heavy, but other options include "lug", "pack", and, of course... "bear". I also added back "the one" because I felt like it was missing, and the word count went up elsewhere as well in the process. Well, it's not the kind of mistake I've come expect from you, so I had to make sure, haha.
  14. Interesting. I thought this was part of her abrasive nature, that she adopted Banjo not out of kindness but because she thinks he's too much of a dimwit to take care of himself. But if I'm wrong, then let's go with your suggestion. Ok, so, in spajjder's wording, A: Gruntilda becomes jealous of Tooie's good looks B: The story revolves around A C: Gruntilda devices a plan because of B But it should be because of A, right? I think this is related to what's called a dangling modifier. Better! Not really, I just never thought of them as "heroes". Any of the above is fine by me. True. Yeah, that works - it's a short and sweet addition. Yes, good alternatives. Sure, he was, but the phrase "the latter of which" sounds so out of place. Still, we need to disambiguate between flying and the Talon Trot there somehow. Yes, that's a clever, but subtle reference to the game itself. I like it! ... which has happened before, but yeah, the bio would probably need to be consistently written that way not to have the part about Captain Blubber be mistaken as an objective standpoint. I know, it just didn't sound right. But OK, I'll defer to your judgement. Without my addition in bold, that doesn't look like proper English. Am I missing something, or did you? Anyway, if this really is something that happens "at one point", then this wording is better than my suggestion with "eventually". So, basically, scratch "In Metroid Prime 3, Dark Samus locates and finds a way to control Phaaze, the planet where all Phazon comes from"? That works for me.
  15. I didn't, actually, but that's even better. Agreed! I see your point. We'll leave it as is for now, then. Thank you! I like it as is. I'm more skeptical about "heroes". Now there is no reference to the instruments at all. I think that's a shame. Words like "titular" and "namesake" pop up in my head, but it's too late in the day to form coherent sentences with them... This "also" could be changed for something that connects more to the previous sentence, to present the fact that she has adopted Banjo as more of an example of her [opposite of humble] nature. "the", because every plot worth its salt has a hideous green witch in it, or "a", because the reader doesn't know beforehand that the plot involved a hideous green witch? I can't decide. This makes it sound as if Gruntilda devices the plan not because she is jealous of Tooie's good looks, but because the plot revolves around her being jealous. There has to be a shorter way to describe that second attack move... Again, I'm sceptical of "heroes". "Duo" is better, but you don't want to use that one too many times, either. "Kazooie's" can be replaced with "her", and there's no good reason not to mention she can also fire eggs the other way. "Humorously, the bird is often carrying the bear" for a few words less. I'd cut the "simply". Also, watch the "carrying", it's very close to the previous one. A little academic, considering the context... Need to think a bit about how to fix it. Lost? Didn't they set out to rescue her? I agree this paragraph needs a sentence like this, but this particular wording sound awfully trite. Once is enough, I think. By the way, I came back to that level more times than I can remember just to listen to Captain Blubber burping and crying. If I had any say around here, he would be a site mascot of his own! That said, I think giving him so much spotlight in the bio was a little joke. Yes... ok. "I can absorb and spread butter." It still sounds wrong. I tried "proliferate", but it does seem like "spread" is the more accurate term. Sure. I'm having a little trouble fitting that anywhere, can you give me the whole sentence? How about "so much so that she can eventually [completely] control those infected with it". Not sure about "completely" - it's sort of needed for emphasis, but I'd prefer not to have two long, consecutive adjectives like that. True... Because the preceding sentence says "In Metroid Prime 3, Dark Samus locates and finds a way to control", I thought the ability to transform into a cloud was something she gained as a result. If that's correct, I suggest "She also gains the ability to" instead of "She can also". In closing, dibs on Saren Arterius.
  16. Again, I'm sorry to leave you alone with this, Polo, and thanks for holding the fort. Next week should be a little less crammed (except for the fact we get another 13 mascots this weekend... )! Shouldn't that be "playing the instruments"? Without "the", it sounds like they go randomly grabbing instruments they pick up that happen to have their names (there's only one instrument that goes by the name "banjo" afaik, but this sentence makes it sound like there are several). Adding "the" also implies, at least to my ears, however vaguely, that they are likely owners of such instruments. I wonder if wouldn't be a better idea to describe the moves instead of namedropping them? So, instead of something like Also, I think "Ironically" would be better as "True to the humorous nature of their world" or something to that effect. The plot of the first game, at least. How about It's not perfect yet, but it flows better. Several sentences here are a little too long and hard to read, which I don't think fits the spirit of the first game, at least. I also think that what is now the third paragraph should switch places with the second to keep the momentum up for a little longer. These are all suggestions, I'm not completely happy with the wording of it all, but seeing as there are so many other changes suggested already, I may as well wait with anything final. Now then, Dark Samus. Thanks for the new version, BorgMan. "Absorb" and "spread" seem like opposites. Which is it? Good work getting less specific about which battle this was, but it still sounds like the reader is supposed to know what "the Metroid Prime entity" (and, actually, "Samus's Phazon Suit" as well) are before reading the article. Maybe "When a powerful alien entity snatched away Samus’s Phazon Suit upgrade and a bit of her DNA after a climactic battle in the depths of the planet Tallon IV"? As pointed out earlier, literally. This is a little on the long side... Could we say something like "Much later" instead? How about this? I don't know why, but I think mentioning this game is less sensitive this time around, maybe because it's so unspecific about where and how this happens. Actually, looking at the other sentence now, I think it would make sense to say "after a climactic battle in the original Metroid Prime" instead of "after a climactic battle in the depths of the planet Tallon IV". I don't know if this was on purpose, but I salute you either way.
  17. I'm happy with this version, so go ahead and upload it if you are, too. One down, 24 (or 11) to go!
  18. It's a little on the long and wordy side. is a little better, but I think I'd prefer this small fix for the original wording (addition in bold): It should be obvious enough that the nefarious plans are the pirate's (see what I did there?), not Shantae's. You can also skip "halting", actually, just to avoid implying that Shantae needs to use the artifacts to stop Risky Boots, when she really just wants to prevent Risky Boots from getting her hands on them (if I got that part right). Agreed, on both counts.
  19. Would it feel awkward to add an article to the last three creatures? It would feel repetitive, but when you leave it out, it sounds like all four are referring to the same, big, weird transformation. Maybe it's just me, though. This sounds to me a little like the creatures are solving puzzles for the player, automatically. How about "how they can solve" or even "how they can be used to solve"? Or, how about "mobility, strength, and abilities that they can use to solve puzzles and clear obstacles."? This still makes the creature the agent (?), but less directly so. Maybe it's because Swedish has two different pronouns to help disambiguate whom the "her" in "her plans" refers to, but I think this sentence makes it sound slightly as if Shantae has the upper edge and that Risky Boots is trying to get to the artifacts first, to stop Shantae from halting Risky Boots' (s or no s after this apostrophe? It's a noun, but it's also a name. Mindsplode) plans, rather than, as I would assume the story actually goes, that Shantae is trying to get to the artifacts before Risky Boots finds them so that Shantae can stop Risky Boots' plans. I also think removing "halting" would fix this, assuming the artifacts are part of Risky Boots' plans, rather than part Shantae's plans to stop Risky Boots'. Possibly, "for magical artifacts critical to her plans of (to? for?) world domination" or similar (but don't write "world domination" ). To clarify, my confusion is with whether the artifacts are critical chiefly to Shantae's plans to stop Risky Boots('), or chiefly to Risky Boots' plans. Sorry if these last few edits are just silly, I'm a little tired.
  20. This is perfectly clear, but I also liked the shorter, original version and how it got to the point so quickly. Clear or concise, there's the rub... Okay, fair enough. Remember this joke I told you about, but never told? Yeah, we're getting close. Yeah, I like this. Personally, I've never felt comfortable writing bios for mascots I'm not somewhat familiar with already. I don't mean to imply there's anything wrong with the many bios you've written, but it helps to have experienced characters and their worlds first hand (i.e. played the games), I think. That said, from what I know of Layton, one game should be more than enough to have gathered a feel for a character, and since we expect to you to source your claims, you will need to do a bit of reading anyhow. Oh good, that settles it. Wouldn't be fair to the other 99% of mascots who won't get to present themselves in first person anyway, and I don't want a riot on my hands. Right. Must have been a tough one for the ESRB...
  21. I did, thanks! Good lord. I'm getting too old for this Nah, give it a try! Tempting, I'll admit...
  22. Hmm. Well, at what point have Genies (why is it capitalized, anyway?) done this? Historically, but not recently (except for Shantae, presently); from time to time, for as long as anyone can remember... It sounds from your suggested change that it's been a while since it happened last time (except for right now, thanks to Shantae). I'd like to avoid an extraneous "presently" if I can, but I'm not completely sure why. On second thought, maybe do "As one might guess from her outfit" if you want to sound more casual. Creatures works. By the way, how do you think replacing "different" with "various" changes the feel of the sentence? Does either word imply anything about the number of possible creatures to shapeshift into? Does "various" put less emphasis on the fact that these creatures have distinct and unique abilities? You never mention any other friends from anywhere else, or indeed any other place (other than Sequin Land, of which Scuttle Town is one part), so I think that's why I have trouble figuring out what "the most" modifies - who she relies on the most, or what she relies on them the most for. The second suggestion (or, rather, the word "maximum") sounds cold and technical for something that describes interpersonal relationships, so I'd go with the first one. Ok, I'll put them in the first post. Omg, you wrote "and" without a preceding comma, AND you said "two" but then mentioned 3 mascots! As LT and Polo have already pointed out, the comma needs to go; "dies" isn't a sentence. I do think it comes natural to pause very briefly before saying the last word there, though, so the comma feels less out of place than it should. I also can't think of a punctuation mark that would fit the bill - an ellipsis would indicate a much longer pause. This is just the first of many spoilers in this bio. I played Metroid Prime until I beat the (iirc) Phazon Elite, which was supposed to get me the "Artifact of Warrior", but due to a bug, I never got the artifact and so my game was lost. I'd have to start the game all over from the beginning again, and I didn't really like it that much, so I never did. Sooo... I didn't know about the whole "Phazon enhanced Metroid Prime entity" that "snatched away Samus Aran’s Phazon Suit and a bit of her DNA" at the end of the game, because I never got that far. I suppose it's considered common knowledge these days, but this whole character is a problem, spoiler-wise: It's impossible to talk about her at all without revealing something. This isn't your fault, obviously, but I wonder how far we can go to keep spoilers to a minimum without getting ridiculous. For instance, do we need to reveal her origins? The second and third paragraphs deal with the second and third game in the series. I guess there's little to tell if you can't mention anything from Metroid Prime 2, but is the third game really necessary to bring up? In other news:
  23. Sorry I haven't been around! ... since the beginning of time. Assuming that's correct, of course. Or is it more like... "on occasion"? The sentence would feel more complete with some temporal... detail there at the end. ... I was going to pull a joke, but it's likely to be a very, very old one. Moving along... Nice! This feels backwards somehow, as if she likes belly dancing because of her outfit, not that she's likely to like belly dancing judging by her outfit. How about "As her outfit suggests" or similar? Technically, some of these aren't animals. "and not so much on her friends from Shipwreck Town"? "and not so much for fun and games"? I'm having a little trouble working out the significance of "the most" here, but I may simply be unfamiliar with the expression Other than these very minor nitpicks, nice work! It's odd, I have this feeling that you've written about Shantae before at some point. I'll have to get back to Dark Samus tomorrow (it'll take a moment to read through the edits), but Need... well. It could be useful and interesting, sure, but I wouldn't want to force people to tell us if they don't want to. I would feel friendlier asking about it when and if it feels necessary to resolve a disagreement. But yeah, you can learn a lot about a foreign language just by observing or listening to a native writing or speaking a non-native language, case in point, a Dutchman writing in English. By the way, the rule is similar in Swedish: A comma never precedes 'and' if you're listing things, however it may well do so if the 'and' is the first sentence of a clause. I can't help but be reminded of this wonderful little piece of English genius:"What is the difference between a cat and a comma? One has claws at the end of its paws; the other is a pause at the end of a clause." I was under the impression that if you're listing more than 2 things in English (i.e. "A, B, and C") the comma before 'and' is mandatory. I can't argue for either convention, but I do want the mascot bios to be correct in terms of spelling, grammar, and all that jazz. But didn't we allow a bio to be written in British English at some point? I seem to remember discussing it, at least. By the way, I noticed the page for Ludwig von Koopa lists "Super Mario Wario" as an appearance. Pretty sure that should be "Super Mario World", but maybe someone knows something I don't?
  24. I didn't see one in EasyTAG either. I went back to Rhythmbox and cleared the fields that came from the APE tag, and it looks like I got rid of it (can't find it in HEX, at least). Here's the result. The comment field is still wrong, but I'm guessing you'll want to go over the ID3 tag and double-check everything anyway.
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