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Everything posted by Dafydd

  1. Great - we're down to just 3 bios left, and then we're in the clear. I'll get to going over your long post of fixes very soon.
  2. Righty. I think keeping the comma before "who" keeps him boxed out, but it's your call. Just the part about the sword. I don't know if it even needs fixing, honestly, I was just telling you the story about how my mind works (or doesn't). As long as there's no risk anyone will mistake it for an actual piece of armor called "trust". No caps though, so no worries. I think the word you're looking for is hullabaloo, but, close enough. That's it, I think. Marth and Crash are all set, as far as I'm concerned.
  3. If something happens in the, what, 13th game, I'd like to think there's no need to consider it. The "original Falchion" is still named just "Falchion", so there's no need to refer to it as anything but "Falchion". Maybe Polo had a reason for calling it "his Falchion" that I'm not aware of. EDIT: Thanks for explaining though!
  4. Hmm. Yeah, that sounds... really weird. But I think that's partly because the Falchion isn't a living thing and can't really own anything, especially not living things such as Marth.
  5. It's not really odd per se, I don't think. You could talk about King (not sure why that's capitalized. Is it because it's a title, like Dr.?) Arthur and his Excalibur, even if there's only one, to emphasize whom it belongs to - but I don't see a reason to emphasize ownership in that particular sentence in the bio. Still, I asked out of genuine curiosity, and not because I thought it looked wrong.
  6. I get the metaphor, I'm just having issues with the, um. *looks up words* Typography? Punctuation? There's a word for this, I know it, I just don't know it. The quote marks. In that case, why is it capitalized? We had a discussion about capitalization earlier on, and concluded that when you come up with a word or a name for something you can capitalize it, at least in English. But falchion is an old word in English and isn't normally capitalized, just like most other nouns aren't. EDIT: Or are you saying that had Marth been wielding another Falchion, it wouldn't have made more damage with the tip than the hilt?
  7. I didn't. Not that I wouldn't miss you Thanks for the quick reply (I only fixed Crash so far, but I'll get back to the others soon) and the quick bio post. Now then; Any particular reason why "who" wouldn't work instead of "and he"? Either works fine. I think I would've used "who", and I'm not sure why. Pesky enemies, always getting their hands on his sword. Can't they bring their own weapons to the fight? Jokes aside though, I actually misunderstood that sentence on the first read. It looks weird to put the thing that's being called something in quotes and the thing it's being called in not-quotes. On the other hand, it would look even worse with quotes around both. I'm not sure what to do about this one, if anything. Just out of curiosity, would it change the meaning at all if "his Falchion" was just "Falchion"? Other than that, high-quality goods as per usual. Apology accepted - I know how it is. Thanks for the clarification, also. Keep an eye out for the final version and let us know if there's anything in it you don't like. That shouldn't be too hard.
  8. And finally, Amaterasu, last updated in May, here left nearly in its original state: Notes not fixed: - This very first sentence is a little long. It's not really a problem though, and I can't think of a way to break it up without breaking the flow, but you're welcome to try. - Try to find a way to avoid this repetition of "the land". - "once again shrouded in darkness" --> To add to Dafydd's words, if the story of Nippon and god/demon intervention is cyclical, you'll have to establish that more clearly (otherwise having "once again" in the first sentence feels out of place without backup). I'd still prefer to give Nonamer a chance to work some more on this, but it's been over a month since he last logged in, and 4 months since he last updated this. It needs more meat on the bones though. Nothing wrong with a short bio, but take away the reiterations and there's hardly anything left. We're also awaiting Polo's Marth bio, which today marks as 1 month in the making. 3 of the above bios are very near completion though.
  9. Nice catches, much appreciated, and fixed. Here's Vyse, with a few changes of my own (feel free to crit) based on my comment earlier (original version here) Now then, I have one gripe left with this, and it's the "thus find their worldview thrown for a loop". To throw for a loop has a negative sound to it, in all the definitions I've found, and it should be something positive. "are thus very excited" gets the message across, but sounds stupid. Also, "in their attempts to keep their new friend safe from harm, Vyse and Aika realize this mission will take them" places as if they had already joined the mission. So maybe "this mission would take them" rather than "will". Furthermore, in the last sentence it sounds as if Fina is as excited and motivated by the same feelings as the other two, which I don't know to be true.
  10. I was wrong about September. Very, very wrong. Here's Crash Bandicoot with all the suggestions since the last version included:
  11. Whoa, where'd you find this? Arrow said it didn't in the first post, so I never bothered to check. Regardless, I don't have one without analog sticks, and had this been non-flash, again, I'm sure that wouldn't have been a problem. I really don't think this is an issue with connection speed. Try pulling the cable while playing and you'll see what I mean.
  12. I actually ended up buying the soundtrack, heh. Haven't seen the glitch you're getting. Only thing I don't like about the game is that it's flash. The frame rate feels like less than 20 or so and there's no gamepad support, which I'm sure there would have been otherwise..
  13. The three first levels weren't that exciting, I don't think, but the music makes it worth it. Graphics and music are amazing on the fourth level. By the way, the same guy made the music and the graphics. His artwork is really worth checking out, I think: http://www.simonstalenhag.se/index.html
  14. This isn't getting the attention it deserves. I found out about this just now, and the music is the best I've heard in forever. Really cool artwork, too.
  15. You wrote: I then wrote that I don't think it sounds forced in, but what I meant by what I said earlier wasn't that you should explain that Pikachu refers to both singular and plural (which is self-evident, really, reading the bio), but that it refers to both one specific, individual Pikachu, named Pikachu (which I believe to be the one used as a mascot for the series) and the species as a whole. Also, As Polo mentioned earlier, don't address the reader as if you're writing a manual. This is the only place you do this in the bio, so it's an easy fix. Overall, the bio is a little on the long side. Things like how they overcook berries are fun little facts that add personality, but remember who you're writing for. On the other hand, maybe reducing the number of paragraphs would make this feel more succinct. Then Polo wrote this (I fixed all of these for you already, but for reference):
  16. Alright. Nice work We're now down to 5 in-progress bios and none unclaimed. Still no word from Rexy or Nonamer.
  17. Very cool, Polo. Only a few gripes: I'm a commander of dark grammar thanks to the many hours I spent editing mascot bios... well, that actually doesn't sound so bad. Nevermind I said anything. I'm not sure whether I should call "ambiguous" on this one, but from now on, whenever the lady of the house has a period (briefs or no briefs), I'm going to call it "Witch Time". How about "Witch Time, slowing everything around her to a near halt for a brief period of time, giving her a chance to deliver swift counterattacks"? Or replacing "period" with "moment", if you don't feel like repeating the word "time".
  18. Yeah Mirby, thanks for hanging in there. And to Larry for swinging by. Imma go PM the others. EDIT: Done. Arrow replied saying it might be a while, but we have 4 other bios to finish in the meantime (plus Marth). EDIT 2: The Damned might be around soonish. Still awaiting replies from Rexy and Nonamer. EDIT 3: It's been nearly a week, and no replies so far. I'm going to be even more horribly busy this whole month, but if we still haven't heard anything from the writers of the bios currently in progress by the end of it, I'm going to pick them up and work out the last wrinkles myself. September should be pretty calm for me.
  19. Why is is "and" and not "but"? This sounds like fleeing is a typical thing to do for first creations. I'm also wondering if it shouldn't be "the subject" rather than "this subject". Other than that, fine by me. Now it sounds as if even if you have better armor, it only helps you take more damage some of the time. Wouldn't it be more correct to say "When wearing some higher classes of plate" or similar? Also, I added a new rule in the guidelines about posting new versions of bios in new posts, because I prefer being able to read all the versions and compare them.
  20. "Calling for help"? Is that really how you want to end the bio? It's not too specific to mention the shield, but "With the aid of a shield" should be modified to say "sometimes with the aid of a shield", if it's not always the case. Also, you might not want to say "if Arthur takes a hit without first upgrading his suit of armor" if the number of hits varies depending on the game. "A beating" is unspecific enough to get the message across without giving an actual number (but it can still mean one).I realize now that I read "absorb more enemy firepower as well as channel magic into his weaponry" as Arthur being able to use his shield to absorb magic and reroute it into his weapon, which I'm guessing is not correct. At any rate, I don't think "firepower" covers melee attacks. Any ideas, DarkLink42? I'm pretty happy with it as it is, but I'm open to ideas.Oh, and, what does "rec" mean?
  21. I didn't even notice that, heh. Maybe it's the excellent "fiendish foes" ending of the first one that throws me off guard. Yeah, that's more like how I've heard it before, specifically "Land, ho!", which I always took as more of a "Hey guys, I can see land!" than "Hey guys, let's get ashore!", but the two may very well be equivalent in most situations.
  22. I had a talk with the same sage, but didn't see anything that could be interpreted as "let's go". But in that case, it makes sense.
  23. I like "prototype robot". But why the change to "subject" and losing "over a misunderstanding"? I would prefer something closer to what we had before. Something like..."Before Dr. Thomas Light built Mega Man, he was working on a prototype robot. This robot, Proto Man, was the first of his creations, but before he could finish his work, Proto Man fled the lab over a misunderstanding." Buuuut then we have "Proto Man" twice in that sentence, and "robot" twice in very close proximity, so that's not quite it either. Nice catch. I thought I had mentioned "out" earlier, but apparently not. Personally, I don't like the sound of "quit helping" other than as an imperative, but that's really just me. That's a lot of "armor" in a short piece of text. Try to reduce the repetition by substituting for something else. "When equipped with a higher class of armor" might be replaced by "when clad in finer steel" or something to that effect (I'm guessing steel probably doesn't cover all the options). That last sentence could stand to be a little shorter anyway. I had to read the sources to figure out whether the Goblin King and Loki were the same guy or not. Changing the order so that the Goblin King comes last would resolve any ambiguity. What is this word even meant to mean in this context? I thought it meant something along the lines of "hello" or "halt". Did you just throw that in there? Other than that, ! Well then, the ban is removed. No sense in having it there if it all it does is give site staff a chance to skip in front (not that there's a line that I know of!).
  24. Quoting the source again: Again: it was before completion that Proto Man fled the lab, so the second sentence needs rewriting anyway. ... ok, seriously, I missed that too? Crap. I think it puts a lot of emphasis on the fact that Proto Man is unlike, dissimilar from Mega Man, rather than the fact that they are not the one and same robot. It also feels as if we're saying that Proto Man is different from Mega Man when it's really the other way around - Mega Man is the different, new design (I think this is what you were also getting at when you criticized "another"). Maybe it's only to my ears that this word has this sense of novelty, in which case, forget I said anything. Either way, "an other" is apparently something you can't even say in English, and "another" does sound wrong too (as if Dr. Light was cranking them out by the dozens), so keep "different". If you say so. Sure... but I'd prefer if you don't post it in the thread until we're done with the ones already in progress, unless I say otherwise. The reason why we haven't heard from the others is probably because I haven't reminded them in a while - I wanted to get Proto Man all done first. I'm having trouble keeping track of our discussions already, obviously. Yikes. I was thinking it was more like 5. Which is still a lot.
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