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Everything posted by Dafydd

  1. No deal is too small for the editors of the mascot bio project! *superhero pose*
  2. I'm just posting the thing in its entirety again, just to make sure we get it right, and so it's all... on the same page. YEEEEAAAAAHHHH I still don't get the semicolon in the beginning of the last paragraph, but that's apparently just me, so forget it. Mirby - thank you so much for not giving up on this, and thanks to everyone else who helped. I also applaud you for insisting on keeping the Free Bird joke.
  3. So am I, but like I said in post #1440, I recognize I'm probably in the vast minority. The issue from the start was never the joke itself, or that we can't have jokes in the bios or something, but that I didn't realize that everyone but me (and you, apparently) got it.
  4. No problem, but thanks for clarifying.
  5. Gotcha, sorry about that. So the joke wasn't just Mirby's idea, huh? Cool. So... which is it? Not that it matters at all as far as the bio is concerned, I'm just curious. Yeah, again, I'm sorry I didn't get that the first time. I guess this is part of why we don't just edit your bios for you (even though we could, if we wanted to). Ok. What I meant was that the phrasing sounds sarcastic; I picture it being said by e.g. a parent disappointed in their kid's choice of hobbies, like "Have you seen John?" "No, but I wouldn't be too much of a leap to guess he's in the basement, in front of his computer as usual" as another way of saying "He's probably in the basement, in front of his computer as usual, and it bothers me" or something. I've been spending a lot of time with people who use this type of sarcasm as their primary form of communication, so I could be over-analyzing this, but I still think it's a little wordy. About the semicolon, your usage of it is a little strange to me; compare it to this sentence, and the one in the above paragraph I just wrote (I'm overdoing it to give examples). Instead of having the part of the sentence following the semicolon explain or elaborate on the one preceding it, as I did above, your usage is reversed, so that what comes after the semicolon follows from the statement before it. In other words, you're using the semicolon as a "so" or "as a result" (as you wrote), while I'd use it as a "because" or "since". Both are probably correct. It still sounds like you're saying that of course he's talented, and it's because you can presume he's spent a bit of time practicing - when what would make sense is to say that * it can be presumed that he must have spent a lot of time practicing, because he's really good at several styles (which is what you'd get by dropping "as a result"), or that * one might presume that he must have spent a lot of time practicing, but actually, he's just really talented (if that's what you're getting at), or that * it can be presumed that he must have spent a lot of time practicing, but he's also naturally talented to begin with. I'm sorry if I'm making this more complicated than it needs to be, but that sentence just isn't making sense to me as it is now. I must be misunderstanding you somehow. I'm also not sure what you mean by "talented"; some people use it interchangeably with "skilled", which I think is incorrect, but must still always assume to possibly be what people mean by it (hey, another semicolon!). Thanks for your patience so far - we're almost there.
  6. He doesn't mind playing a random track, but you can request a song? I think "so" would be better than "but" in this case. Am I missing something? I think the "as a result" makes it sound like the fact he's talented at a variety of styles is a result of the presumption that he has spent time practicing, and not the act of practicing itself. I'd drop that phrase, leaving you with "perfecting his art; he is talented". is really wordy. Is it another joke, perhaps? One about how he never does anything but work on his next big hit, and everyone knows it all too well? Wait - "remember"? From where? From the game?
  7. Keep it. I'll wager I'm one of veeeery few people who didn't get the joke. Nah. I think the new version you just posted clears a few things up. I'd like to move that Free Bird joke to the end of the sentence, like so: but the real issue may be the word "ask" so closely followed by "asked". I think this sounds a little too much like... I dunno, Lord of the Rings? It's a weird change of style from the rest of the bio. Turn the RPG knob down a little You are now also using a semicolon in 3 consecutive sentences. I'm really tired atm and am having trouble finding the right words for what I'm trying to say, but I figured you'd prefer that over waiting until tomorrow for more feedback. Again, overall, I like this bio.
  8. So it's just me, then. Still, is that song in the game, or...?
  9. Good start! Repetition of the word "player". "he'll show up in the player's town, ready to give them a free concert." fixes that issue, but isn't completely solid either. By "a certain one", do you mean that there's just one single song that he'll always play, no questions asked, or any specific one? Just making sure. Also, am I supposed to know what song "Free Bird" is, or is this an inside joke? I feel like there's a contrast here from the previous sentence, and would prefer "However, there are also a few songs" or similar. Conversely, there is no conflict between having a mysterious past and being talented at a variety of styles, so I don't see a reason to start this sentence with "Though". I'm guessing you intended on expanding on that part of it? Fix the previous issue and this "though" won't feel like repetition, but it does now. Also, I'd keep that number of songs less specific. How do you feel about "several dozen"? Personally, I don't think this needs a whole lot more work. Having never played Animal Crossing, I feel like the character has been taken out of context somewhat (there are songs? You can play songs at home?), but I'd add no more than one paragraph to what you already have to fix that issue - if it really is an issue. You are, of course, free to make whatever changes you want, or start over completely, should you so desire, but I think this first draft came out pretty well.
  10. Thanks for the info, LT, I don't doubt whatever info we need we can easily find - I just think people who are already passionate about a character will write more interesting bios, but in case we don't find anyone who wants to do it, I'll give it a shot.
  11. Thanks to everyone who helped, I'm really glad to see people chime in even with small suggestions. I googled "teamwork" and was kinda disappointed. Now then, one unclaimed mascot left... As per usual, it's completely unfamiliar to me. Any takers? Any ideas who we should ask to do it?
  12. Good job. Thanks! Any further suggestions, Polo, or do we call it a wrap?
  13. All in a day's work... but yeah, an usually high number of people have helped with this one, which is cool. It's also something I think would get messy real fast if we had too many bios in progress at the same time, and I'm happy there's room for this kind of discussion.
  14. Much better! My only gripe now is the change of tense in the first paragraph into historical present. I think you'd be better off keeping the historical present throughout, like so: It's not a major issue, but I'm not too happy about the "until", which sounds very awkward now in the hp and also leads to a very long sentence. On the other hand, I also didn't like the "But then," you had earlier.
  15. No problem. Get well, and good luck! I'm glad to see people do. Fixed, I think. So, why the capitalization? It makes me feel as if I'm being kept out of the loop when it's written like "Persona". On the other hand, I don't want an entire paragraph in the bio explaining that a "Persona" is really just a "persona". I'm also not sure what it means to "awaken to one's Persona", caps or no caps, but it seems to be an expression specific to the series. I feel like the bio, as a whole, expects you to know a few things about the game universe already, when what the bio should do is introduce the character to someone (such as myself) who hasn't even heard of the Persona series before.
  16. Thanks for the assist, Unununium! Should it be "killer" or "killers"? It's not clear what "The Investigation Team" is, but the capitalization implies it's defined somehow. Is it spelled that way in the game? I think it's clear that "Shadows" are some kind of bad guys that need no further explanation, but what about "Persona"? I know you were told to capitalize it, but why is it capitalized? Is there are difference between a "Persona" and a "persona"? It's the name of the series, so I bet it's significant, but I'm left wondering what it is. Also, I count 10 "that", some of them very close each other. I'm not sure what to do about it, but I'd change into "Teddie becomes a playable member of the party, specializing in recovery". This also reduces ambiguity.
  17. It's still up for grabs, so do go ahead. I'll leave the first post as is until you post something though.
  18. Hey Rexy,

    How's the bio coming along? Hope we didn't scare you off with all the crits, hehe.

    I'd write you a PM but your inbox seems to be full...

  19. Haha, that gif is amazing. Is that from Keen Dreams? Sure, I can ask you to change it every time, it's just rather not bother people with things I should be able to do myself. Is this the case with all project threads, btw? And why can I change my thread titles in the WiP forum but not here?
  20. Alright, good luck! I know nothing about any of the remaining characters, so I'll just edit for now. ... and I still can't edit the thread title, and starting to doubt I ever will be able to again. First post updated though.
  21. Looks good to me, Polo. For the record, "hijinks" is defined by m-w as and this makes me laugh.As for Mega Man X, it's used as a placeholder for all the Square-Enix mascots that were removed a while ago (see post 1308, page 131 in this thread).
  22. Nice. Clearly, it's been too long since I did this, haha...
  23. It'd be nice to get these 5 done before the next 10 roll in a month from now, but take your time, we're not really in a hurry.
  24. Much better! A few nitpicks: Well, he didn't die in the last game or anything, did he? If he did, that would be a spoiler, so assume present tense. Too technical, and not necessary. Let's cut that out. How do you feel about "his guardian mask"? But if it doesn't belong to him, or it's a living being, never mind. I think it sounds awkward otherwise, kinda like "the friend" would. I could be wrong. I had to look up "namesake", and, sure enough, it had more usages than I thought it did. Thanks! Again with the past tense, as if he's dead or something, or as if you're talking about something that only happened before the beginning of the first game. Feel free to post the new bio in its entirety after any changes, so we don't have to look at several posts for a complete version.
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