Dafydd Posted April 29, 2013 Author Share Posted April 29, 2013 (edited) Alright, good luck! I know nothing about any of the remaining characters, so I'll just edit for now. ... and I still can't edit the thread title, and starting to doubt I ever will be able to again. First post updated though. Edited April 29, 2013 by Dafydd Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Liontamer Posted April 30, 2013 Share Posted April 30, 2013 ... and I still can't edit the thread title, and starting to doubt I ever will be able to again. First post updated though. Can't edit!!!!!!!! I think that's because the thread's now in Projects; let me know what you need the title to be any time and I can do it if you'd like. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Dafydd Posted April 30, 2013 Author Share Posted April 30, 2013 (edited) Haha, that gif is amazing. Is that from Keen Dreams? Sure, I can ask you to change it every time, it's just rather not bother people with things I should be able to do myself. Is this the case with all project threads, btw? And why can I change my thread titles in the WiP forum but not here? Edited April 30, 2013 by Dafydd Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
FenixDown Posted May 1, 2013 Share Posted May 1, 2013 I can write a bio for Teddie from Persona 4 if no one else is already on it. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Dafydd Posted May 1, 2013 Author Share Posted May 1, 2013 (edited) It's still up for grabs, so do go ahead. I'll leave the first post as is until you post something though. Edited May 1, 2013 by Dafydd Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
FenixDown Posted May 3, 2013 Share Posted May 3, 2013 (edited) Teddie bio: A mysterious bear who inhabits the TV World, Teddie (known as "Kuma" in the original Japanese version) carried on with his solitary existence in peace, until someone from the human world started throwing people through television sets into Teddie's world to die. Soon, Teddie meets Yu Narukami (the silent protagonist), Yosuke Hanamura, and Chie Satonaka who fell into the TV World, and after a series of events, befriends them. Teddie provides Yu and his friends with special glasses that enable them to see through the fog that shrouds the TV World. He also serves the group as their first support character in battles against the deadly Shadows that roam the dungeons, helping the team identify enemy strengths and weaknesses and keeping tabs on the party's present condition. Teddie's appearance is that of a very cartoonish bear costume that is empty on the inside. After awakening to his persona, Kintoki Douji, Teddie becomes a playable member of the party, passing the role of support character to Rise Kujikawa, and specializes in recovery and high-power ice magic. Teddie oftentimes acts as the comic relief and is prone to making bear-related puns, even in the heat of battle. He also frequently flirts with the female party members with very little success. As Yu's Investigation Team draws closer to uncovering the truth of the killer throwing people into the TV World, Teddie strives to learn more about his mysterious origins and what the TV World really is. In Persona 4 Arena, Teddie appears to be the mastermind behind the P-1 Grand Prix tournament that pits friends against each other. "General Teddie" goads the members of the reunited Investigation Team into fighting one another with illusions and mind tricks that target the more sensitive aspects of their personalities. It eventually becomes apparent that the General is not the real Teddie, but if that's the case, where is the real Teddie? Sources: http://megamitensei.wikia.com/wiki/Persona_4 http://megamitensei.wikia.com/wiki/Teddie Also, some of the game appearance information already listed in his bio page is incorrect. The original Persona 4 was for the Playstation 2, not the Xbox 360. And Persona 4 Arena was also on the Playstation 3 alongside the Xbox 360 version. Edited May 3, 2013 by FenixDown Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Liontamer Posted May 3, 2013 Share Posted May 3, 2013 Also, some of the game appearance information already listed in his bio page is incorrect. The original Persona 4 was for the Playstation 2, not the Xbox 360. And Persona 4 Arena was also on the Playstation 3 alongside the Xbox 360 version. Fixed the system. We don't need to list every platform a specific game came out on. Also, what's up with Teddie's human form vs. wearing the outfit; in other words, is there any explanation why he wears the suit? I didn't see anything about that in the article so far. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
FenixDown Posted May 3, 2013 Share Posted May 3, 2013 Well, I thought that was in the spoiler ballpark so I was hesitant to include it, but I can add that in if you want. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Liontamer Posted May 3, 2013 Share Posted May 3, 2013 Well, I thought that was in the spoiler ballpark so I was hesitant to include it, but I can add that in if you want. No worries, if it's a spoiler, then there's no need to include that info, I just noticed the human form and a bunch of in-game pics of that on the Wikia page. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
FenixDown Posted May 3, 2013 Share Posted May 3, 2013 (edited) Ah, I guess I should've waited. Well, I kept the specifics related to it vague enough. I can change it back if that's for the best. I think I will leave in the details of Teddie becoming playable later on though, the game doesn't make much of a secret of that detail. Edited May 3, 2013 by FenixDown Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Liontamer Posted May 3, 2013 Share Posted May 3, 2013 Ah, I guess I should've waited. Well, I kept the specifics related to it vague enough. I can change it back if that's for the best. I think I will leave in the details of Teddie becoming playable later on though, the game doesn't make much of a secret of that detail. We can defer to the bio editors' judgement, though if you think it's a huge spoiler, then feel free to take it out. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Polo Posted May 4, 2013 Share Posted May 4, 2013 Hello, FenixDown. Here's what I have to say about Teddie's bio... - "A mysterious bear..." --> This doesn't match the description you give in the second paragraph (an appearance of a cartoonish bear, not an actual bear). You can instead start with "An inhabitant of the TV World..." or similar and leave Teddie's appearance for the 2nd paragraph. - "carried on with his solitary existence in peace" --> Poetic, but you can write it in fewer words. - In the 1st sentence, you say: "...who inhabits the TV World, Teddie..." and "...into Teddie's world..." You want to keep each subject's mention separated enough to allow proper focus and pacing. For example, you can bring up the TV World first, then Teddie living out his life there, then the people being tossed into said world (or "area" or "space" or similar, not "Teddie's world" or "the TV World") in order to avoid repetition. - I think you should leave out the names Yosuke Hanamura and Chie Satonaka and instead say "Yu Narukami and his Investigation Team" for two reasons: 1) it makes it easier for the reader to concentrate on the mascot and his story without having to worry about so many other names, especially if they don't get mentioned again in the article, and 2) that's not the extent of the Investigation Team (more allies get added later), and the team itself (the cohesion) is what matters. - "who fell into the TV World" --> Again, a touch repetitive. It would flow more smoothly via: "Teddie meets a few of these wayward humans" (or some other way to let the reader know where they come from without spelling it out more often than necessary). - "...and after a series of events, befriends them." --> If you're not describing these "events" for simplicity's sake (or to avoid spoilers), that's fine. The current wording just makes it too generalized, like "the main character appears" or "the story progresses and then this happens" or "after more events, the story ends." It would help if you give readers a flavor of what these events are like or how they started (e.g. did a misunderstanding set things off? This could come out as, say, "after a bit of misunderstanding") to keep your writing lively while avoiding spoilers. - "After awakening to his persona, Kintoki Douji..." --> Persona (capital P), Kintoki-Douji (hyphen) (according to your sources) - The 3rd paragraph (which is just one sentence) looks like it would better fit within the 1st paragraph, which focuses on the main story/background info. - I think somewhere in the 1st paragraph you'll have to mention that it's the events of Persona 4 (maybe before Yu's brought up as the protagonist), since your last paragraph suddenly jumps to a new game. You've made a strong start introducing the character and the mystery surrounding him/it. I'm also intrigued by the setting, even though I'm unfamiliar with the game/series. Please do your best to address the issues above, including avoiding repetition and maintaining focus, to make it stronger. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
FenixDown Posted May 5, 2013 Share Posted May 5, 2013 Reposting for the new page with edits: At the start of Persona 4, Teddie (known as "Kuma" in the original Japanese version) led a peaceful existence alone within the TV World. But then, someone from the human world started throwing people through television sets into the TV World to die. Soon, Teddie meets Yu Narukami (the silent protagonist) and two of his classmates who stumbled across the strange realm. After Teddie accuses them of being the killer, Yu promises to find the culprit behind the murders. And as they get closer to revealing the truth about the case, Teddie learns more about his mysterious origins.Teddie provides the members of The Investigation Team with special glasses that enable them to see through the fog that shrouds the TV World. He also serves the group as their first support character in battles against the deadly Shadows that roam the dungeons, helping the team identify enemy strengths and weaknesses, and keeping tabs on the party's present condition. After awakening to his Persona, Kintoki-Douji, Teddie becomes a playable member of the party that specializes in recovery and high-power ice magic. Teddie's appearance is that of a very cartoonish bear costume that is empty on the inside. Teddie oftentimes acts as the comic relief and is prone to making bear-related puns, even in the heat of battle. He also frequently flirts with the female party members with very little success. In Persona 4 Arena, Teddie appears to be the mastermind behind the P-1 Grand Prix tournament that pits friends against each other. "General Teddie" goads the members of the reunited Investigation Team into fighting one another with illusions and mind tricks that target the more sensitive aspects of their personalities. It eventually becomes apparent that the General is not really Teddie, but if that's the case, where is the real Teddie? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Unununium Posted May 5, 2013 Share Posted May 5, 2013 I can't help with content, but I have a few thoughts on wording. led a peaceful existence alone within the TV World Suggest "led a peaceful, solitary existence within the TV World." And as they get closer to revealing the truth about the case Does this sentence need to begin with "And"? He also serves the group as their first support character in battles Perhaps just write "He also supports the group in their battles". Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Dafydd Posted May 5, 2013 Author Share Posted May 5, 2013 (edited) Thanks for the assist, Unununium! After Teddie accuses them of being the killer Should it be "killer" or "killers"? Teddie provides the members of The Investigation Team It's not clear what "The Investigation Team" is, but the capitalization implies it's defined somehow. Is it spelled that way in the game? Shadows that roam the dungeons, helping the team identify enemy strengths and weaknesses, and keeping tabs on the party's present condition. After awakening to his Persona I think it's clear that "Shadows" are some kind of bad guys that need no further explanation, but what about "Persona"? I know you were told to capitalize it, but why is it capitalized? Is there are difference between a "Persona" and a "persona"? It's the name of the series, so I bet it's significant, but I'm left wondering what it is. Also, I count 10 "that", some of them very close each other. I'm not sure what to do about it, but I'd change Teddie becomes a playable member of the party that specializes in recovery into "Teddie becomes a playable member of the party, specializing in recovery". This also reduces ambiguity. Edited May 5, 2013 by Dafydd Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Rexy Posted May 5, 2013 Share Posted May 5, 2013 I got your instant message, Dafydd. Will still be working on the bio, though fell sick (again) over the past couple of days, so it didn't get a key priority. Nevertheless I will still do my best to refine it Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
NovaReaper Posted May 5, 2013 Share Posted May 5, 2013 Just chiming in to answer your questions. Should it be "killer" or "killers"? Killers, because Teddie uses "you guys" when accusing you of killing people. It's not clear what "The Investigation Team" is, but the capitalization implies it's defined somehow. Is it spelled that way in the game? Yes. Think of The Investigation Team as more of an organization. I think it's clear that "Shadows" are some kind of bad guys that need no further explanation, but what about "Persona"? I know you were told to capitalize it, but why is it capitalized? Is there are difference between a "Persona" and a "persona"? It's the name of the series, so I bet it's significant, but I'm left wondering what it is. A "persona" is exactly as its definition. According to the Megami Tensei wiki, "A Persona is a manifestation of a person's personality in the Persona series, referred to as a "mask" for an individual to use to face hardship." Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Dafydd Posted May 5, 2013 Author Share Posted May 5, 2013 (edited) I got your instant message, Dafydd. Will still be working on the bio, though fell sick (again) over the past couple of days, so it didn't get a key priority. Nevertheless I will still do my best to refine it No problem. Get well, and good luck! Just chiming in to answer your questions. I'm glad to see people do. A "Persona" is exactly as its definition. Fixed, I think. So, why the capitalization? It makes me feel as if I'm being kept out of the loop when it's written like "Persona". On the other hand, I don't want an entire paragraph in the bio explaining that a "Persona" is really just a "persona". I'm also not sure what it means to "awaken to one's Persona", caps or no caps, but it seems to be an expression specific to the series. I feel like the bio, as a whole, expects you to know a few things about the game universe already, when what the bio should do is introduce the character to someone (such as myself) who hasn't even heard of the Persona series before. a person's personality in the Persona series Edited May 5, 2013 by Dafydd Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
NovaReaper Posted May 5, 2013 Share Posted May 5, 2013 So, why the capitalization? It makes me feel as if I'm being kept out of the loop when it's written like "Persona". On the other hand, I don't want an entire paragraph in the bio explaining that a "Persona" is really just a "persona". I'm also not sure what it means to "awaken to one's Persona", caps or no caps, but it seems to be an expression specific to the series. I feel like the bio, as a whole, expects you to know a few things about the game universe already, when what the bio should do is introduce the character to someone (such as myself) who hasn't even heard of the Persona series before. To awaken to your Persona, you must accept who you really are and admit to what to want to keep hidden. If you want to explain it, instead of "After awakening to his Persona, Kintoki-Douji, Teddie becomes a playable member of the party that specializes in recovery and high-power ice magic.", it would be something like "After accepting his true self, Teddie awakens to his Persona, Kintoki-Douji, which gives him specialties in recovery and high-power ice magic. It is now when Teddie becomes a playable member of the party." Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Abadoss Posted May 5, 2013 Share Posted May 5, 2013 To awaken to your Persona, you must accept who you really are and admit to what to want to keep hidden. If you want to explain it, instead of "After awakening to his Persona, Kintoki-Douji, Teddie becomes a playable member of the party that specializes in recovery and high-power ice magic.", it would be something like "After accepting his true self, Teddie awakens to his Persona, Kintoki-Douji, which gives him specialties in recovery and high-power ice magic. It is now when Teddie becomes a playable member of the party." Bit of a run on sentence there. I'm also not so sure it's necessary to list his more technical function in the game. I'd suggest: "Accepting his true self, Teddie awakens to his Persona, Kintoki-Douji, and becomes a playable member of the party." Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
FenixDown Posted May 6, 2013 Share Posted May 6, 2013 (edited) At the start of Persona 4, Teddie (known as "Kuma" in the original Japanese version) led a peaceful, solitary existence within the TV World until someone from the human world started throwing people through television sets into the TV World to die. Soon, Teddie meets Yu Narukami (the silent protagonist) and two of his classmates who stumbled across the strange realm. After Teddie accuses them of being responsible for the recent deaths, Yu promises to find the culprit behind the murders. As they get closer to revealing the truth about the case, Teddie learns more about his mysterious origins.Teddie provides the members of The Investigation Team with special glasses that enable them to see through the fog that shrouds the TV World. He also supports the party in battle by helping the team identify enemy strengths and weaknesses, and keeping tabs on the party's present condition. After Teddie is confronted by his Shadow, a physical manifestation of his inner struggles over not knowing where he came from, he awakens his Persona, a similar manifestation of his inner strength, Kintoki-Douji. As a result, Teddie becomes a playable member of the party. Teddie's appearance is that of a very cartoonish bear costume that is empty on the inside. Teddie oftentimes acts as the comic relief and is prone to making bear-related puns, even in the heat of battle. He also frequently flirts with the female party members with very little success. In Persona 4 Arena, Teddie appears to be the mastermind behind the P-1 Grand Prix tournament that pits friends against each other. "General Teddie" goads the members of the reunited Investigation Team into fighting one another with illusions and mind tricks that target the more sensitive aspects of their personalities. It eventually becomes apparent that the General is not really Teddie, but if that's the case, where is the real Teddie? I took everyone's suggestions into account, and made some adjustments of my own. Not sure if my brief and very general explanation for what a Persona is (as far as simply playing the game is concerned) will be satisfactory. And just for the purposes of those in this thread, I linked a video of the first boss encounter in the game, with most of the build up beforehand and what happens immediately after the fight. It's very early in the game so it's not much of a spoiler. It might help make it easier to offer feedback once you have a feel for how each character acquires their Persona. Edited May 6, 2013 by FenixDown Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Dafydd Posted May 6, 2013 Author Share Posted May 6, 2013 (edited) Much better! My only gripe now is the change of tense in the first paragraph into historical present. I think you'd be better off keeping the historical present throughout, like so: At the start of Persona 4, Teddie (known as "Kuma" in the original Japanese version) leads a peaceful, solitary existence within the TV World until someone from the human world starts throwing people through television sets into the TV World to die. Soon, Teddie meets Yu Narukami (the silent protagonist) and two of his classmates who stumbled across the strange realm. It's not a major issue, but I'm not too happy about the "until", which sounds very awkward now in the hp and also leads to a very long sentence. On the other hand, I also didn't like the "But then," you had earlier. Edited May 6, 2013 by Dafydd Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Liontamer Posted May 6, 2013 Share Posted May 6, 2013 Been watching this Teddie bio progress and continue to be impressed with how you guys collectively improve it. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Dafydd Posted May 6, 2013 Author Share Posted May 6, 2013 All in a day's work... but yeah, an usually high number of people have helped with this one, which is cool. It's also something I think would get messy real fast if we had too many bios in progress at the same time, and I'm happy there's room for this kind of discussion. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
FenixDown Posted May 7, 2013 Share Posted May 7, 2013 At the start of Persona 4, Teddie (known as "Kuma" in the original Japanese version) led a peaceful, solitary existence within the TV World. Soon, Teddie meets Yu Narukami (the silent protagonist) and two of his classmates who stumbled across the strange realm while investigating the unusual deaths transpiring in their town. After Teddie accuses them of being responsible for the recent killings, Yu promises to find the culprit behind the murders. As they get closer to revealing the truth about the case, Teddie learns more about his mysterious origins.Teddie provides the members of The Investigation Team with special glasses that enable them to see through the fog that shrouds the TV World. He also supports the party in battle by helping the team identify enemy strengths and weaknesses, and keeping tabs on the party's present condition. After Teddie is confronted by his Shadow, a physical manifestation of his inner struggles over not knowing where he came from, he awakens his Persona, a similar manifestation of his inner strength, Kintoki-Douji. As a result, Teddie becomes a playable member of the party. Teddie's appearance is that of a very cartoonish bear costume that is empty on the inside. Teddie oftentimes acts as the comic relief and is prone to making bear-related puns, even in the heat of battle. He also frequently flirts with the female party members with very little success. In Persona 4 Arena, Teddie appears to be the mastermind behind the P-1 Grand Prix tournament that pits friends against each other. "General Teddie" goads the members of the reunited Investigation Team into fighting one another with illusions and mind tricks that target the more sensitive aspects of their personalities. It eventually becomes apparent that the General is not really Teddie, but if that's the case, where is the real Teddie? Alright, that should do it. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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