OCR Mascot Bios - 20 more up for grabs!

[Dafydd]

Since we're both satisfied with Eevee, I went ahead and uploaded it in its final form.

Thanks.

 

Or I could replace the last sentence with a question, like: "But is vengeance worth neglecting loved ones?"

Yeah, I prefer that over an ellipsis. I tend to overuse those, myself Now that we've settled that, would you mind posting a new version of Ryo, in full?

As for Skull Kid, I don't know if we should tweak the ending already in place. The structure is "People avoid him, but one individual thinks a bad experience had something to do with it" - I know it's not a FIRM ending, but it's an in-game analysis that's both sad and hopeful, and it can invite a reader to look into Skull Kid's story further.

No, I don't think Skull Kid needs changing, I just noticed now that I felt the ending didn't feel like an ending there either. Apparently I didn't mind it as much, back then.

[Polo]

Here's Ryo Hazuki revised:
 

November 29th, 1986 was a dark day in the life of Ryo Hazuki. That day, the eighteen-year-old came home to find the family dojo broken into: the Hazuki plaque was split in two and his housekeeper and fellow disciple were injured. Inside the dojo lay a greater shock: Ryo's father Iwao was facing off against the intruder, a man named Lan Di, refusing to hand over an item known as the Dragon Mirror. Lan Di took it by force, using a martial art strong enough to overpower and gravely wound both father and son. Ryo had barely enough strength to hold his father in his arms, but Iwao could only apologize for leaving his son alone before giving up the ghost. Distraught by the circumstances surrounding his father's death, the boy made it his mission to seek vengeance against the murderer.

Ryo epitomizes Japanese self-discipline and resourcefulness, thanks in large part to Iwao's influence. He uses what few leads he has to track Lan Di and decipher the mystery of the Dragon Mirror. Starting in his hometown Yokosuka, Ryo freely explores anything from parks to buildings to desk drawers while everyone around carries on with their daily lives. Many in the neighborhood know his name and are willing to help him however they can. Not everyone is as receptive, though — some connected to Lan Di are members of gangs, including the Chinese mafia. Violent confrontations with them are inevitable, so Ryo puts his martial arts to use with a combination of punches, kicks, holds, and throws to take down his adversaries. He often questions a defeated opponent to gain a new lead.

Ryo's preoccupation with revenge comes at a price. He lacks the finesse of reading and responding to others' emotions, so he's unable to pick up on his childhood friend Nozomi's feelings for him. His housekeeper worries about the times he comes home late, and his martial arts peer has mixed feelings about him single-handedly going after his father's killer. Ryo keeps a lid on his own emotions and motivations and doesn't want others involved in his dangerous task. But is vengeance worth neglecting loved ones?

 

[Dafydd]

I'm really, really sorry I've been gone for so long. Ugh life. Anyway,
 

Ryo Hazuki revised

One reason why I've taken so long is that something about this bio feels wrong, but it's been hard to pin down what it is. It "lacks flow", but I know that kind of remark is of no help to you. Content-wise, it's fine, but somehow, it feels like a number of facts being presented in sequence, but there's no story there. Also, the transition between the first and second paragraph is a little jarring, somewhy.

 

Since I can't seem to help you any further, if you don't agree with any of my concerns, feel free to upload it in the wiki.

[Liontamer]

I see what you mean about the second para being a jarring change. Perhaps it's not the best grammar, but switching the 2nd para's first sentence around to something like:

"Due in large part to Iwao's influence, Ryo epitomizes Japanese self-discipline and resourcefulness."

This would improve the flow by mentioning Iwao that final time and then proceeding to Ryo's description.

I see what Dafydd means about wanting more flow, but I wasn't bothered by it. I thought it was an effectively concise way to give Ryo's story and explain his personality. I believe it reads fine and flows well enough as is.

[timaeus222]

Agreed. It would also make the subsequent "He" less ambiguous (even though we're obviously talking about Ryo in the bio).

 

Also, "lay a greater shock" feels odd; no one's placing anything down on a surface; it's just a location where a tense event occurred, so wouldn't it be "lied a greater shock"? Or even forgo lie/lay and try a different phrasing? How about instead of:

 

"Inside the dojo lay a greater shock: Ryo's father Iwao was facing off against the intruder, a man named Lan Di, refusing to hand over an item known as the Dragon Mirror."

 

what if it was:

 

"Inside the dojo there was a greater shock: Refusing to hand over an item known as the Dragon Mirror, Ryo's father Iwao was facing off against a male intruder, Lan Di."

 

Or, if you wanted to break up the flow and not use a colon two sentences in a row:

 

"Inside the dojo, Ryo's Father Iwao, facing off against the male intruder Lan Di, fought to keep possession of an item known as the Dragon Mirror."

 

or similar. It depends on what you want to be most important in the sentence. In the original version, the event with Iwao facing off the intruder seems to be the most important part, but Iwao seems to be losing based on the wording. In the first suggested revision, the Dragon Mirror seems to be the most important, and the meaning is barely any different. In the second suggested revision, the event with the intruder seems again to be the most important, but it also might be making Iwao seem stronger in comparison to the original version (which might not be exactly accurate, seeing as he lost). Just something to keep in mind when you want to emphasize certain areas of a sentence over others.

[Liontamer]

Agreed. It would also make the subsequent "He" less ambiguous (even though we're obviously talking about Ryo in the bio).

 

Also, "lay a greater shock" feels odd; no one's placing anything down on a surface; it's just a location where a tense event occurred, so wouldn't it be "lied a greater shock"? Or even forgo lie/lay and try a different phrasing? How about instead of:

 

"Inside the dojo lay a greater shock: Ryo's father Iwao was facing off against the intruder, a man named Lan Di, refusing to hand over an item known as the Dragon Mirror."

 

what if it was:

 

"Inside the dojo there was a greater shock: Refusing to hand over an item known as the Dragon Mirror, Ryo's father Iwao was facing off against a male intruder, Lan Di."

 

Or, if you wanted to break up the flow and not use a colon two sentences in a row:

 

"Inside the dojo, Ryo's Father Iwao, facing off against the male intruder Lan Di, fought to keep possession of an item known as the Dragon Mirror."

 

or similar.

"The intruder, a man named Lan Di" is much better than "the male intruder, Lan Di" How clunky are you trying to make this in the effort to consolidate it?

LOL at "male intruder"

[timaeus222]

Okay, maybe that was rather suggestive.

[Dafydd]

"Due in large part to Iwao's influence, Ryo epitomizes Japanese self-discipline and resourcefulness."

This would improve the flow by mentioning Iwao that final time and then proceeding to Ryo's description.

Not bad!

 

Also, "lay a greater shock" feels odd; no one's placing anything down on a surface; it's just a location where a tense event occurred, so wouldn't it be "lied a greater shock"?

'Lay' is past tense of the 'lie' in "lie down", while 'lied' is past tense of the 'lie' in "tell a lie". Maybe, some people use 'lied' for both, and you're one of those people?

 

LOL at "male intruder"

 

Yeeeah, let's not.

[Polo]

Content-wise, it's fine, but somehow, it feels like a number of facts being presented in sequence, but there's no story there.

Maybe it'll help if I break down my bio for you:

Ryo looks up to Iwao. A lot. His father taught him martial arts, rely on your friends, eat your carrots, etc. It's why 1) he can't believe his father's powerlessness when faced by some random opponent who comes out of nowhere, 2) he can't accept failing to save Iwao's life (and possibly failing to live up to the lessons taught him), and 3) he makes it his mission to hunt Lan Di to the ends of the earth. The first paragraph's narrative helps establish all this. I wrestled with toning down details, but I couldn't find a lot of ways to do it while keeping his motivations and story intact. Shenmue wouldn't happen without Iwao's death affecting his son the way it does.

The second paragraph talks about how Ryo searches for Lan Di, the problems he encounters, his fighting abilities, and how he progresses. I feel there's enough "story" fleshed out here, although if you feel the last sentence doesn't wrap up the paragraph properly, let me know.

The third paragraph is about what all this does to Ryo personally and interpersonally. I included it partly to revisit his housekeeper and training partner - survivors of the same incident on 11/29/86 - whose different voices help show Ryo's personality/how revenge has affected him. The first sentence could possibly change - rereading it, it feels like a sudden jump in focus. Maybe something like "Ryo's preoccupation with revenge comes at a price, as his family and friends can see" would make it complete?

I can't offer too many fixes without knowing exactly what sentences/word choices bother you, so hopefully my overview will help you hone in on them. 

 

Perhaps it's not the best grammar, but switching the 2nd para's first sentence around to something like:

"Due in large part to Iwao's influence, Ryo epitomizes Japanese self-discipline and resourcefulness."

This would improve the flow by mentioning Iwao that final time and then proceeding to Ryo's description.

Actually, the reordering here works. I can try "Thanks to Iwao's major influence on his life, Ryo epitomizes Japanese self-discipline and resourcefulness."

 

"lay a greater shock" feels odd; no one's placing anything down on a surface; it's just a location where a tense event occurred, so wouldn't it be "lied a greater shock"?

No. Like Dafydd says, "lay" can be past tense for "lie," which is intransitive/takes no direct object. Don't feel too bad, though - lots of people confuse lay/lie.

 

Inside the dojo there was a greater shock

It's grammatical, but I feel the narrative would lose some of its tension and immediacy.

 

Refusing to hand over an item known as the Dragon Mirror, Ryo's father Iwao was facing off against a male intruder, Lan Di.

I feel Lan Di should come first to follow the order of what Ryo (and the player) learns and to more smoothly explain why Iwao is fending him off. The above rewording sounds like the fight is more important than the mirror.

[timaeus222]

Not bad!

 

'Lay' is past tense of the 'lie' in "lie down", while 'lied' is past tense of the 'lie' in "tell a lie". Maybe, some people use 'lied' for both, and you're one of those people?

 

 

Yeeeah, let's not.

 

That's a word I see many people get mixed up, so that's why I suggested something different ("there was"). I've just never seen it used for placing an event in a room rather than placing a physical object down onto a surface. It can be in some sense, though ("...the scene was laid..."), so alright.

[Dafydd]

Thanks for laying it out for me, Polo. I'll get back to you really soon, sorry for the wait...

In other news, 2 days ago, this thread turned 10 years old. As for the project, I'm not entirely sure, but it might be today!

[Dafydd]

Well, that certainly took longer than I expected. It's not that I haven't had 5 minutes to spare here and there, it's that I needed more time to sit with this to actually figure out what it is I want fixed, and how.
 

I feel there's enough "story" fleshed out here

Again, "content-wise, it's fine, but somehow, it feels like a number of facts being presented in sequence". What I meant by "no story" was that even though there's plenty of content, it doesn't feel like it was bound together as a coherent story. I realize, in retrospect, that "there's no story there" was perhaps not the best way of trying to say that.

Anyway, thanks to your breakdown, I finally have a number of things that I've nailed down as problems, and I have solutions to some of them.

First, Iwao is apparently an important figure in Ryo's life, but I understood that from your explanation, not from reading the bio. Maybe it should be obvious from the facts that there's a family dojo and Iwao is Ryo's father, but I think if you want to make the reader understand how influential Iwao was, he needs to be brought in earlier than the sentence where Ryo finds him fighting off an intruder, or given more space in the other sentence where you say he's "distraught by his father's death". Try to elaborate some more on their relationship to help the reader relate to the situation. I'm having trouble doing that myself, if only because the situation itself is so alien, what with fathers fighting off intruders in the family dojo and all, and so neither names nor characters stick with me after reading the first paragraph, and I'm left without context, because what happened in the first paragraph was a barrage of characters and things, named and unnamed, that I'm not used to hearing about. I'm not entirely sure how to fix this, unfortunately.

Second, "Lan Di took it by force" feels dry, somehow, or matter-of-factly. Same with "Ryo had barely enough strength". I'm missing prepositions, conjunctions, that sort of thing. On the other hand, maybe you wrote it this way because that's how Ryo would have put it, self-disciplined as he is (I'm only guessing now, of course). Here's an attempt to improve flow a little bit:
 

Inside the dojo lay a greater shock: Ryo's father Iwao facing off against the intruder, refusing to hand over an item known as the Dragon Mirror. Despite Ryo joining the fight, the intruder, a Chinese gangster named Lan Di, took the item by force, using a martial art strong enough to overpower and gravely wound both father and son.

There's a few too many commas in there, and it looks funny with the 4 capitalized words around the period, but I think you get the idea.

"Starting in his hometown Yokosuka, Ryo freely explores anything" still sounds too much like a selling point on the back of the cover, and almost cheery in comparison to the previous sentences. No easy fix there, here, though.

"are members of gangs, or even the Chinese mafia" makes it sounds less like the Chinese mafia are gang members and more like a gang of its own.

"He often questions a defeated opponent" could be "he often interrogates", but that's only a suggestion.
 

Ryo's preoccupation with revenge comes at a price. He lacks the finesse of reading and responding to others' emotions, so he's unable to pick up on his childhood friend Nozomi's feelings for him. His housekeeper worries about the times he comes home late, and his martial arts peer has mixed feelings about him single-handedly going after his father's killer.

The second and third explain or elaborate on the first one, but having the periods the way they are now makes it feel like only the second one does, and not really the third. Here's my suggestion:

Ryo's preoccupation with revenge comes at a price: He lacks the finesse of reading and responding to others' emotions, so he's unable to pick up on his childhood friend Nozomi's feelings for him; his housekeeper worries about the times he comes home late; and his martial arts peer has mixed feelings about him single-handedly going after his father's killer.

I still don't feel certain about how to use colons and semicolons after all these years, so feel free to point out mistakes there.

 

In other news, I hereby claim Duck Hunt.

[The Damned]

In the unlikely event you ever do any of the Borderlands series characters (ie: Claptrap or Handsome Jack), I call dibs.

[Polo]

Try to elaborate some more on their relationship to help the reader relate to the situation.

All right. I think the crux of confusion stems from my systematic "murder mystery" approach in telling Ryo's story. I rewrote the bio to place more emphasis on character than events while cutting some other details.

 

Ryo Hazuki is an eighteen-year-old who epitomizes Japanese self-discipline and perceptivity. He looks up to his father Iwao, leader of the Hazuki family dojo, who trained him in martial arts and taught him lasting life lessons about friendship, resourcefulness, and more. Ryo's paternal attachment is what drives the story of Shenmue: when he witnesses Iwao's death at the hands of a powerful stranger, the boy is so distraught he makes it his mission to seek vengeance no matter the cost.

Assuming the role of detective, Ryo uses what few leads he has to track the murderer, as well as what he's really after. His journey takes him beyond his hometown of Yokosuka to the far reaches of China, but his path is frequently blocked by members of the mafia. Ryo fights them off using a combination of punches, kicks, holds, and throws, and he often interrogates a defeated opponent to gain a new lead.

Through it all, Ryo maintains his focus and integrity. But how far will his obsession with revenge take him?

[Liontamer]

Quote

Ryo Hazuki is an eighteen-year-old who epitomizes Japanese self-discipline and perceptivity. He looks up to his father Iwao, leader of the Hazuki family dojo, who trained him in martial arts and taught him lasting life lessons about friendship, resourcefulness, and more. Ryo's paternal attachment is what drives the story of Shenmue: when he witnesses Iwao's death at the hands of a powerful stranger, the boy is so distraught he makes it his mission to seek vengeance no matter the cost.

Assuming the role of detective, Ryo uses what few leads he has to track the murderer, as well as what he's really after. His journey takes him beyond his hometown of Yokosuka to the far reaches of China, but his path is frequently blocked by members of the mafia. Ryo fights them off using a combination of punches, kicks, holds, and throws, and he often interrogates a defeated opponent to gain a new lead.

Through it all, Ryo maintains his focus and integrity. But how far will his obsession with revenge take him?

Seemed fine to me. If any more tweaks need to be made, go for it, but it looks ready for primetime.

[Polo]

Thanks, Larry. Went ahead and uploaded it.

Dibs on Rosalina. (We now have 14 bios up for grabs.)

[Dafydd]

19 hours ago, Polo said:

Dibs on Rosalina. (We now have 14 bios up for grabs.)

Roger that.

[Polo]

Rosalina
"All new life... Carries the essence of stars... Even all of you..."

== Bio ==
In Super Mario Galaxy, a familiar plot remains intact: Mario must rescue Princess Peach from Bowser. As the title suggests, the plumber travels to different planets and galaxies to fulfill his mission. Helping him this time around is one of the franchise's most mythical characters: Rosalina.

A self-proclaimed protector of the cosmos, Rosalina is in many ways one with the stars. She lives aboard the Comet Observatory, a celestial body from which she gazes upon myriad galaxies. Little star babies called Lumas look up to her as their adoptive Mama and journey with her until they mature into actual stars and more. With her magic wand, Rosalina demonstrates such powers as levitation and creating force fields, one of which can surround the entire observatory so it appears like a natural shooting star.

Rosalina's path crosses Mario's when Bowser steals the comet's Star Power, its fuel to fly through outer space, before making off for the center of the universe. Exhibiting patience and wisdom even when she's stranded, the goddess-like figure beseeches Mario to retrieve enough Stars to power the Comet Observatory so she can take him to where his "special one" is. She first gives him a Luma, which grants him the power to fly to distant galaxies, and afterwards is ever present to offer advice and encouragement with her motherly grace.

All in all, Rosalina is as steadfast and gently guiding as a star in the sky.

== References ==
MarioWiki - "Rosalina"
Wikipedia - "Rosalina (character)"
Super Mario Galaxy instruction manual

[Dafydd]

Hey Polo, thanks for sticking around!

On 3/3/2016 at 11:57 AM, Polo said:

In Super Mario Galaxy, a familiar plot remains intact: Mario must rescue Princess Peach from Bowser.

I'd agree everyone should already know who Bowser is, but I still think this would read better if he was given some... attribute or title before the name. Like "the evil dinosaur Bowser" or so.

Quote

Little star babies called Lumas look up to her as their adoptive Mama

I'm not really used to the word "Mama" in this context. I'm curious - how come you picked this word over "mother", for instance? Am I missing a nuance here, or does it simply go better with "adoptive"?

Quote

and journey with her until they mature into actual stars and more.

Is there a spoiler here? Maybe we can flesh out "and more" a little without actually revealing anything?

Quote

With her magic wand, Rosalina demonstrates such powers as levitation and creating force fields, one of which can surround the entire observatory so it appears like a natural shooting star.

I think it should be "levitation and creation", or "levitating and creating". What do you think about "such powers as levitation and the creation of force fields powerful enough to surround the entire observatory, making it appear like a natural shooting star"?

Quote

Rosalina's path crosses Mario's when Bowser steals the comet's Star Power, its fuel to fly through outer space, before making off for the center of the universe.

Here, you can figure out that Bowser, not the comet, makes off for the center of the universe, but it's far from unambiguous. Replacing the commas with dashes would fix that, but it might not look very good, I'm not sure.

Quote

Exhibiting patience and wisdom even when she's stranded, the goddess-like figure beseeches Mario to retrieve enough Stars to power the Comet Observatory so she can take him to where his "special one" is.

This sentence feels a little long.

Nice work, but for some reason, I feel like the bio lacks a little energy, somehow...

 

I'm having a little trouble writing up the bio for Duck Hunt, because it's a story about games rather than characters. I have some ideas, though.

[Polo]

Thank YOU for coming back.

6 hours ago, Dafydd said:

I'd agree everyone should already know who Bowser is, but I still think this would read better if he was given some... attribute or title before the name. Like "the evil dinosaur Bowser" or so.

How about "the nefarious Bowser"?

6 hours ago, Dafydd said:

I'm not really used to the word "Mama" in this context. I'm curious - how come you picked this word over "mother", for instance? Am I missing a nuance here, or does it simply go better with "adoptive"?

That's what they call her in the game. Would you prefer quote marks around "Mama" to avoid confusion?

6 hours ago, Dafydd said:

Is there a spoiler here? Maybe we can flesh out "and more" a little without actually revealing anything?

It's not a huge spoiler. Lumas also become galaxies and comets, but I figured laying out those details would start to draw attention away from Rosalina.

6 hours ago, Dafydd said:

I think it should be "levitation and creation", or "levitating and creating". What do you think about "such powers as levitation and the creation of force fields powerful enough to surround the entire observatory, making it appear like a natural shooting star"?

Yeah, I like the symmetry of -tion nouns. I'll use that. Rosalina can surround herself in her own force field (not just around the observatory), like when she first meets Mario or when the player tries to attack her. She also makes ONE force field surround the observatory near the end of the game, so implying more than one at a time might border on misinformation. I could try this:

"With her magic wand, Rosalina demonstrates such powers as levitation and the creation of force fields, whether around herself or around the entire observatory so it appears like a natural shooting star."

6 hours ago, Dafydd said:

Here, you can figure out that Bowser, not the comet, makes off for the center of the universe, but it's far from unambiguous. Replacing the commas with dashes would fix that, but it might not look very good, I'm not sure.

Maybe parentheses? "...Bowser steals the comet's Star Power (its fuel to fly through outer space) before making off for the center of the universe."

6 hours ago, Dafydd said:

This sentence feels a little long.

I can try a colon to separate some clauses:

"Though stranded, the goddess-like figure exhibits characteristic patience and wisdom to formulate a plan: Mario must retrieve enough Stars to power the Comet Observatory so she can take him to where his "special one" is."

6 hours ago, Dafydd said:

I feel like the bio lacks a little energy, somehow...

Well, Rosalina's pretty chill and sedentary for one so important (and popular) - not much in the way of action. I considered giving more emphasis to Bowser's troublemaking or how Mario travels to different planets or Rosalina's other game appearances, but I felt I had enough info to start with.

6 hours ago, Dafydd said:

I'm having a little trouble writing up the bio for Duck Hunt, because it's a story about games rather than characters. I have some ideas, though.

Okay. Remember you can cover original game mechanics/shenanigans and Smash Bros. moves if you feel strapped for details.

[Dafydd]

19 hours ago, Polo said:

Thank YOU for coming back.

Glad to be back, I just hope I can stay here for long enough this time!

19 hours ago, Polo said:

How about "the nefarious Bowser"?

Yes, let's go with that.

19 hours ago, Polo said:

That's what they call her in the game. Would you prefer quote marks around "Mama" to avoid confusion?

Oh, okay. No, keep it as is.

19 hours ago, Polo said:

It's not a huge spoiler. Lumas also become galaxies and comets, but I figured laying out those details would start to draw attention away from Rosalina.

That's true, I felt like I forgot who I was reading about several times already. What about "and other astronomical/celestial objects"? Oh, you already used "celestial body" in the previous sentence. Can you think of another equivalent? I just think "and more" sounds like a semi-uninspired sales pitch, somehow.

In order to bring more focus on Rosalina, maybe we can change the actor of the previous sentence: "... from which she gazes upon myriad galaxies. There, she raises little star babies called Lumas, who look up to her as their adoptive Mama and journey with her until they mature into actual stars..."

By the way, "actual stars"... You can't well say "mature into mature stars", "adult star" is just plain wrong, and the apparently proper term "main sequence star" is too technical and sounds like an unexplained game feature. But it also doesn't feel completely right to call them "actual stars". Any ideas?

19 hours ago, Polo said:

Rosalina can surround herself in her own force field (not just around the observatory), like when she first meets Mario or when the player tries to attack her. She also makes ONE force field surround the observatory near the end of the game, so implying more than one at a time might border on misinformation.

Fair enough.

19 hours ago, Polo said:

I could try this:

"With her magic wand, Rosalina demonstrates such powers as levitation and the creation of force fields, whether around herself or around the entire observatory so it appears like a natural shooting star."

That works, but then, why not "the creation of a force field"? Or can she create several, but smaller ones?

19 hours ago, Polo said:

Maybe parentheses? "...Bowser steals the comet's Star Power (its fuel to fly through outer space) before making off for the center of the universe."

That works, too, but it feels like parentheses make it seem like the clause consists of possibly irrelevant details, or information for uninitiated readers ("oh, and if you don't know what Star Power is, ..."), and the whole bio is supposed to be written specifically for those people. Am I making any sense, haha? I'd just prefer to avoid the parentheses, but it's definitely not a big issue.

19 hours ago, Polo said:

I can try a colon to separate some clauses:

"Though stranded, the goddess-like figure exhibits characteristic patience and wisdom to formulate a plan: Mario must retrieve enough Stars to power the Comet Observatory so she can take him to where his "special one" is."

Yeah, better.

19 hours ago, Polo said:

Well, Rosalina's pretty chill and sedentary for one so important (and popular) - not much in the way of action. I considered giving more emphasis to Bowser's troublemaking or how Mario travels to different planets or Rosalina's other game appearances, but I felt I had enough info to start with.

Sure, I just thought we could make this one... shine.

19 hours ago, Polo said:

Okay. Remember you can cover original game mechanics/shenanigans and Smash Bros. moves if you feel strapped for details.

Yeah, it's not really a problem with having enough information, but about giving an introduction from a character perspective and not just a technical game mechanic description.

[Polo]

8 hours ago, Dafydd said:

What about "and other astronomical/celestial objects"? Oh, you already used "celestial body" in the previous sentence. Can you think of another equivalent? I just think "and more" sounds like a semi-uninspired sales pitch, somehow.

I like "astronomical objects." How about I change just the end of the sentence with the Lumas like so: "...until they mature into various astronomical objects."

Quote

"... from which she gazes upon myriad galaxies. There, she raises little star babies..."

This sounds like she raises Lumas in myriad galaxies, not on the Comet Observatory.

Quote

why not "the creation of a force field"? Or can she create several, but smaller ones?

I think making it plural ("the creation of force fields") leaves it open as to where it goes - around herself or around the observatory (I think those are their only uses, at least as far as Mario Galaxy 1 goes). It COULD be singular, but it would need some tweaking so it doesn't come off as too narrow/crippling a power, like:

"With her magic wand, Rosalina demonstrates such powers as levitation and the creation of a force field to protect herself or even surround the entire observatory to appear like a natural shooting star." (This might be too long a sentence...)

Quote

it feels like parentheses make it seem like the clause consists of possibly irrelevant details, or information for uninitiated readers ("oh, and if you don't know what Star Power is, ..."), and the whole bio is supposed to be written specifically for those people. Am I making any sense, haha? I'd just prefer to avoid the parentheses, but it's definitely not a big issue.

I see where you're coming from, but I'd say even parenthetical info in a bio is crucial enough for a reader to pay attention to. Dashes give more weight, and IMO it would be too much in this case. Plus, without the explanation for its use, a reader can be left baffled ("why don't the Lumas act as Star Power? Is everything powered by Stars in the Mario universe?" etc.).

[Dafydd]

23 minutes ago, Polo said:

I like "astronomical objects." How about I change just the end of the sentence with the Lumas like so: "...until they mature into various astronomical objects."

Nice, do it.

23 minutes ago, Polo said:

This sounds like she raises Lumas in myriad galaxies, not on the Comet Observatory.

Does it? Hm. "... from which she gazes upon myriad galaxies, and where she raises little star babies..." makes a long sentence, and "from which she gazes upon myriad galaxies. She raises little star babies..."  disconnects the two sentences a little too much... Does "... from which she gazes upon myriad galaxies. Here, she raises little star babies..." change the location from the galaxies to the observatory? "... from which she gazes upon myriad galaxies. At the observatory, she raises little star babies..."? I'm just throwing a few ideas out.

23 minutes ago, Polo said:

I think making it plural ("the creation of force fields") leaves it open as to where it goes - around herself or around the observatory (I think those are their only uses, at least as far as Mario Galaxy 1 goes). It COULD be singular, but it would need some tweaking so it doesn't come off as too narrow/crippling a power, like:

"With her magic wand, Rosalina demonstrates such powers as levitation and the creation of a force field to protect herself or even surround the entire observatory to appear like a natural shooting star." (This might be too long a sentence...)

No, it's fine, I think. A comma might help, but I don't see where one can be added without changing the meaning. 

By the way, would "wields" work as a replacement for "demonstrates", or would that imply that she's powerless without the wand?

23 minutes ago, Polo said:

I see where you're coming from, but I'd say even parenthetical info in a bio is crucial enough for a reader to pay attention to. Dashes give more weight, and IMO it would be too much in this case. Plus, without the explanation for its use, a reader can be left baffled ("why don't the Lumas act as Star Power? Is everything powered by Stars in the Mario universe?" etc.).

Parentheses it is, then.

[Polo]

1 hour ago, Dafydd said:

Does "... from which she gazes upon myriad galaxies. Here, she raises little star babies..." change the location from the galaxies to the observatory?

Well, it kind of comes off as non-indicative - "Here" is too far from the Comet Observatory. It requires a slight reiteration to get back on track, like with your suggestion "At the observatory..." But I don't think it's really necessary, since it's already established where Rosalina is and what she does. Mentioning that Lumas are in her care implies they travel with her on the comet.

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By the way, would "wields" work as a replacement for "demonstrates", or would that imply that she's powerless without the wand?

Yeah, that might be implied as such. More importantly, I think using "wields" would require a change to "wields the power to..." from just "wields powers such as..." Leaving it as the latter doesn't seem to make proper/full use of the word. I also don't want to imply her powers are limited only to force fields and levitation, hence "powers such as..."

[Dafydd]

10 hours ago, Polo said:

Well, it kind of comes off as non-indicative - "Here" is too far from the Comet Observatory. It requires a slight reiteration to get back on track, like with your suggestion "At the observatory..." But I don't think it's really necessary, since it's already established where Rosalina is and what she does. Mentioning that Lumas are in her care implies they travel with her on the comet.

Okay, but I'd like to avoid getting off-track, and if adding the reiteration is necessary to do that, then I think it should be added, unless we can figure out a way to rephrase things.

Hm, is "at the observatory" correct when the observatory is a spaceship, as opposed to an observatory in a fixed position on the ground? What if it was a naval vessel, for instance? On the other hand, "on the observatory" also sounds a little odd. Does it come down to what the Comet Observatory actually is, an observatory, or a ship? And on that note, is it an observatory for (watching) comets, or an observatory on a comet?

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Yeah, that might be implied as such. More importantly, I think using "wields" would require a change to "wields the power to..." from just "wields powers such as..." Leaving it as the latter doesn't seem to make proper/full use of the word. I also don't want to imply her powers are limited only to force fields and levitation, hence "powers such as..."

I wasn't aware "wields powers" was a problem, thanks for the info.