OCR Mascot Bios - 20 more up for grabs!

[Dafydd]

Sorry for the wait.

and whose empress is obsessed with controlling all she sees.

Normally, I don't like the word 'that', but I think "all that she sees" would give this better rhythm.

On a side note, "what mysteries can be found" doesn't sound right to my ears (but yes, it too gets thousands of hits on google). Are mysteries found? "I found a mystery in the fridge...". I dunno. Not telling you to change the bio, just thinking out loud.

A less easily fixed gripe I have with this, though, is some of the structure.

Vyse serves with his father's band of pirates,

But Vyse has always desired to explore more than just the area near his home.

The primary targets of Vyse and his fellow Blue Rogues are the forces of the Valuan Empire.

Vyse and Aika find their worldview thrown for a loop when they meet Fina, a mysterious girl from a remote land.

I feel that the part about Vyse's desire to explore distant lands needs to come after introducing us to his enemies, if, as it seems, these enemies are what's for lunch every day. His dreams of adventure feel disconnected from the paragraph about Fina, I think. Maybe fixing this is as easy as moving that sentence to the end of the third paragraph instead of the second, but maybe you have a better idea.

Edited May 27, 2013 by Dafydd

[Chernabogue]

If Alucard makes it, I volunteer to write his bio.

[Liontamer]

Spring 2013 Mascot Top 10!

1. Amaterasu (Ōkami)

2. Pikachu (Pokémon)

3. Skull Kid (Legend of Zelda)

4. Alucard (Castlevania)

5. Proto Man (Mega Man)

6. Vyse (Skies of Arcadia)

7. Marth (Fire Emblem)

8. Isaac (Golden Sun)

9. Bayonetta

10. Arthur (Ghosts'n Goblins)

[Mirby]

Dibs on Isaac.

please and thank you

[Chernabogue]

Working on Alucard's bio right now. WIll share this later today!

[Mirby]

here's a (very) rough draft. it's really hard to find a good quote for him, since he doesn't speak at all in the first game and what i can find as quotes for the second one are potentially spoilery :\

-----

"If you're not here to help my friend, then get out of my way, so I can do it myself!"

In the world of Weyard, there are those known as Adepts, or those who can control one of the four elements. Venus represents the power of earth, Mars is fire, Jupiter is wind, and Mercury is water. Isaac happens to be a Venus Adept, and gets caught in a chain of events that threaten to change the face of Weyard forever.

Eons ago, the power of Alchemy, and with it many many Adepts, once flowed freely across the land. However, seeing far too many Adepts abuse their powers, they deemed Alchemy to be too dangerous for anyone to use.. Using the power of the Elemental Stars, they were able to contain the rampant elemental energies, and sealed them away. As time passed, this historic fact became legend... until one day in the small mountain hamlet of Vale, situated on the base of dormant volcano Mount Aleph. Within Mount Aleph lies Sol Sanctum, which itself houses a secret. One night, intruders attempt to discover what was hidden there, and fail, triggering a trap which seemingly kills Isaac's father, along with the parents and brother of his friend Jenna. In the process, Isaac and friend Garet run into the survivors of the attempted raiders, and are swiftly rendered unconscious. Three years later, fate leads the three to Sol Sanctum, where they discover something that triggers the start of Isaac's quest.

Much like the element he controls, Isaac is strong of heart with a slight stubborn streak. He's rather nice, and will strongly trust those he counts as friends. Isaac also prefers to think things through instead of deciding hastily, examining all angles to ensure he's coming to the right decision. Although he may be silent in the first game, he gains the ability to speak in The Lost Age, since he is no longer the silent protagonist of that game. By the end of the events of the second game, Isaac is seen as one of the most powerful Venus Adepts alive. This strength is eventually passed on to his son, Matthew, who is the main character of the third game, Dark Dawn. While Isaac may have grown wise over the years, there are things even he doesn't know, and it's up to Matthew to start his own quest, one that takes him to the edge of the world 30 years after his father's infamous journey.

Selected Game Appearances:

Game Boy Advance

Golden Sun (2001)

Golden Sun: The Lost Age (2003)

Nintendo Wii

Super Smash Bros. Brawl (2008 )

Nintendo DS

Golden Sun: Dark Dawn (2010)

References:

http://goldensunwiki.net/Isaac

http://goldensun.wikia.com/wiki/Isaac

[Chernabogue]

Feedback will be appreciated if I did something wrong. (Also, my English sometimes goes wrong lol)

Alucard

"You have been doomed ever since you lost the ability to love."

Adrian Fahrenheit Tepes is the half-vampire son of the evil Count Dracula and Lisa, a kind medecine woman, born of their love, at the begining of the 15th Century. Raised by his mother with all the love she could give to him, the young dhampir learnt to not to harm humans and to accept them, while his father considered them as inferior beings.

On one fateful night, villagers accused Lisa of witchcraft and she was promptly crucified in front of her son. Even if Adrian was enraged, Lisa told him not to harm humans and passed away. Upon learning what happened, Dracula fell into madness and casted a curse on Europe, plunging the continent into darkness. He then launched his army of monsters to kill humans and hid in his dark fortress: Castlevania. Adrian, disgusted by his father's reaction, took the pseudonym of Alucard (Dracula spelled backwards, to show his opposition to his father) and left his castle.

Across centuries, Alucard helped the Belmonts, holy warriors, to fight Dracula, who declared war against the whole humanity. He even had to go face-to-face with his reborn father in 1797, due to the lack of Belmont at that time. Using all of his powers, dark spells, familiars, weapons, and transformation into wolf or mist, Alucard eventually met his father after fighting through his army of minions. At the end of the battle, Alucard was able to tell Dracula that Lisa would love him forever, and the evil vampire asked her for forgiveness before vanishing.

Following Dracula's ultimate destruction in 1999 by Julius Belmont, Alucard took the name of Genya Arikado and joined a secret organization to watch over the surnatural. Adrian/Alucard is cold and distant with other people, mostly because of his cursed blood. He even exiled himself from the world following Dracula's first death by the hands of Trevor Belmont in 1476. However, he's determined and leaves nothing to chance, and will do everything that is needed to defeat his evil father. Alucard appears as a lonely person but withholds his emotions, as he never really got over his mother's death.

Selected Game Appearances

NES

Castlevania III: Dracula's Curse (1989)

Playstation

Castlevania: Symphony of the Night (1997)

Game Boy Advance

Castlevania: Aria of Sorrow (2003)

Nintendo DS

Castlevania: Dawn of Sorrow (2005)

References: http://castlevania.wikia.com/wiki/Alucard

Edited June 1, 2013 by Chernabogue

[Rexy]

Alright, here we go again. I've taken Dafydd and Polo's tips to heart and re-tweaked a few things! Sorry for taking so long - you try getting back into things after undergoing surgery, lol.

In regards to the "into-the-screen" thing, the best way to describe Crash's original concept is that you're literally guiding him into the screen, or towards you. Think Space Harrier except you can actually stop running forward xD

Either way, here's what I have:

---

A breakthrough in platform video-game design, Crash Bandicoot started life on the Sony Playstation, going as far as being an unofficial mascot for the system throughout the 1990s.

Crash's first game was released in 1996, created by then-unknown game developer Naughty Dog. A reject from Dr Neo Cortex's globe-dominating mutant army, Crash typically sets out to stop whatever diabolical scheme Cortex has to take over the world, usually involving the power of tall purple 'power crystals'. In spite of being enemies, there have been rare instances of Crash and Cortex working together throughout the series' progression, usually against a common foe opposing both of them.

Crash would be accompanied on his journey by the guardian mask Aku Aku, who acts as a mentor and shield; his sister Coco, a much smarter bandicoot capable of hacking into Cortex's data systems and building many gadgets including the many virtual 'warp rooms' early on in the series' run; Crunch, an unrelated Bandicoot who is obsessed with his fitness and strength; and many small animals whom would help them run from place to place, including a polar bear cub, a t-rex hatchling and a tiger cub. In most games, collecting all the crystals would be enough to stop Cortex's plan, but the best ending would be obtained by collecting all of the gems - mostly white, but there are several different colored gems that can open up new routes in certain levels. Those gems can be obtained by either exploring difficult paths, or breaking every box in one level.

Crash himself can be easily expressive in spite of his limited verbal skills, mostly through exaggerated body language. He's not afraid of getting hurt even with Aku Aku getting in the way, and would easily throw himself in the line of danger just to do what's right. His range of attacks originally started with a jump and a spin attack - which solidified his namesake due to his 'crashing' into boxes this way - but he eventually learnt new tricks over time, including the belly flop, a slide attack, and even wielding a fruit bazooka! Outside of his adventuring time, he can be seen relaxing at the beach; whether it be sunbathing, wakeboarding, feasting on wumpa fruit, or spending time with Coco and Crunch.

The original Crash platformers were critically acclaimed for their 3D-on-rails game design and cartoony visuals, with more technical achievements being accomplished further along in the series' run on the PS1. The audio had also been more highly acclaimed as it went on, with all four titles under Naughty Dog's wing being scored by Mutato Muzika - a music writing team including Devo's Mark Mothersbaugh.

Furthermore, Crash is one of very few Western-created game franchises to receive a huge following in Japan. This was further helped by having new cosmetic additions and bonuses exclusive to the Japanese releases, with some being brought back into future Western releases including Crash's signature victory dance and the recurring joke character Fake Crash.

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Crash_Bandicoot

http://www.stanford.edu/group/htgg/cgi-bin/drupal/sites/default/files2/jdelahunt_2004_1.pdf

(references cut as per previous post as well)

Edited June 1, 2013 by Rexy

[NovaReaper]

Will work on Marth soon.

[Polo]

Isaac:

- Remember, you want to maintain focus on Isaac, so any backstory must be as succinctly relevant to the character as possible. The banned use of Alchemy spiel feels long-winded, so find a way to distill it into fewer words. It also looks like the first two paragraphs will have to merge somehow. Try to order the info so that it moves from the backstory to Isaac's place in the game's events to his abilities as a Venus Adept (and his personality). This will give you better pacing and flow to develop one topic before another.

- "seemingly kills Isaac's father" --> Write this from the point of view of Isaac and/or the other characters to give a hint of his/their reactions, because we want to avoid words of uncertainty like "seemingly" or "probably" or the like. Similarly, the sentence about Isaac and Garet confronting the raiders and losing consciousness would benefit from being tied directly into the friends' motivation to train hard before embarking on their journey. To quote Golden Sun Universe:

Isaac felt that if he had been better at Psynergy, he could have saved his father; thus, he and Garet resolved to study the art of Psynergy hard over the next three years

This should be integrated somehow.

- "He's rather nice" --> Sounds vague. Try saying he has a kind heart or similar (to back up his trust in his friends).

- "Although he may be silent in the first game" --> "Although he's a silent protagonist in the first game" (and cut the last part of that sentence to avoid repetition)

- "While Isaac may have grown wise over the years, there are things even he doesn't know" --> Self-evident, really. You can instead show how much Matthew's inherited from Isaac by mentioning what the father passes on to the son (physical appearance, warrior clothing, or whatever) before saying Matthew embarks on his own quest.

- Both listed sources have nearly identical information (they share the same wording most of the way) - I say keep the first one (Golden Sun Universe) and find a new second source to list in order to vary the supplementary material.

Alucard:

- As a general note, bios are meant to introduce characters rather than describe their life histories in minute detail. So a lot of Alucard's history, while engaging, must be pared down to the main essentials that describe/explain his character. You can keep these facts:

- he's the son of Dracula and Lisa

- after Lisa's death, he and Dracula diverge on how to view/deal with humans

- he takes the name Alucard "to show his opposition to his father"

- his alliances with different Belmonts, plus his tendency to seal himself away/sleep until Dracula awakens (you don't have to mention every instance he does this)

- he confronts Dracula solo in Symphony of the Night (but not the outcome, since it doesn't embellish upon his character)

Some facts/phrases you might want to leave out:

- The fact that Dracula falls into madness after Lisa's death (that's more central to Dracula than Alucard)

- Dracula's ultimate destruction in 1999 (spoiler-ish; you can keep the fact that he takes the name Genya Arikado in Aria and Dawn of Sorrow)

I know it's a heavy task, but I'm sure you'll find a way to make his history shorter and sweeter. (If I give too many play-by-play specifics, I might as well be the one writing the bio.)

- Since he's half-vampire, Alucard's superhuman strength, shapeshifting prowess, and other abilities can be mentioned more prominently (some of them are already in the Symphony of the Night fight).

- Consider how bits of his personality (clustered in the last paragraph) would work better in the context of parts of his story. For example, details on his abilities can be followed by "[he] will do everything that is needed to defeat his evil father"; or, to give a contrast to his alliances with Belmonts, bring up how he's cold/lonely/emotionless because of his blood or that he never got over his mother's death. Just some ideas.

- Bios need two or more reference links, so please find another for Dracula's son.

And finally, some useful spelling and grammar notes for your English :

- medecine --> medicine

- begining --> beginning

- "considered them as inferior beings" --> cut "as"

- "casted a curse" --> cast a curse

- "against the whole humanity" --> You can say "against humanity" or "against all of humanity"

- surnatural --> supernatural

Crash Bandicoot:

- As a friendly reminder, try reading your sentences aloud for repeated words in the same sentence (or just really close) so you can catch them before I do. (You'll see in a few examples below.)

- "Crash's first game was released in 1996, created by then-unknown game developer Naughty Dog." --> This sentence feels out of place in the paragraph, which concerns Crash and Cortex's relationship throughout the series (not just the first game). If you want to keep it, you can probably merge it into the first paragraph or the fifth somehow.

- "there have been rare instances" --> You can cut "rare" here, since later in the sentence you say "usually" (which sounds more frequent).

- "Crash would be accompanied on his journey" --> Sounds like he's a dinner guest about to be served. Try "Crash is often (/frequently/whatever [if you say "usually," you'll have to cut one instance of that word in the previous paragraph]) accompanied on his journeys" (more than one journey, I'm sure)

- "the many virtual 'warp rooms'" --> I say cut "many" since you already say that earlier in the sentence.

- "an unrelated Bandicoot" --> Lowercase (bandicoot)?

- "many small animals whom would help" --> Normally I'd say to use "who" instead of "whom," but I think "that" works better here.

- The section on collecting crystals to stop Neo Cortex (more for the good endings) doesn't seem relevant enough to Crash's character. The earlier mention involving purple crystals, I think, should be enough "game objective" background, so you can keep this paragraph centered on Crash's allies.

- "Crash himself can be easily expressive" --> "Crash himself is highly expressive"

- "limited verbal skills" --> So does he ever actually talk (say comprehensible English words or sentences)? If so, we can potentially include a quote of his in the bio.

- "and would easily throw himself" --> "and he would easily throw himself"

- "relaxing at the beach; whether it be" --> A comma works better than a semicolon here.

- Not to downplay your hard work, but I think the technical achievements and music in the Crash series don't need to be talked about. It's practically common knowledge that games/game series will improve with time, so bringing it up is a bit redundant. It's like saying, "Mario developed acclaimed music scores and better graphics as the series went on." You bring up what the first Crash games are known for (visuals and game design), which I think serve as a good introduction to the character.

- You can also merge the last paragraph with the fifth to help illustrate Crash's legacy. Just keep the last sentence succinct with the Japanese notables, i.e. the Crash dance and Fake Crash.

Good job on recovering from surgery, btw.

Whew. Have fun with your feedback, folks.

[Mirby]

I added that backstory because it's directly related to Isaac's quest and why he has to leave. The villagers of Vale were tasked with protecting Sol Sanctum, and protecting the Elemental Stars hidden within. Being a native of Vale, I figured the fact that those were hidden there was relevant, especially because the fact they are there is why Isaac's father is "killed" and why, three years after that, he has to leave to recover those.

I'll tweak a few of the other suggestions in the meantime though. Originally, I had Isaac first mentioned in the second paragraph, so I had to restructure it a bit for obvious reasons.

EDIT: Not mentioning them being unconscious as motivation only because they don't remember seeing the intruders. If they can't remember being knocked out by them, they can't really use that to motivate themselves, right?

----

"If you're not here to help my friend, then get out of my way, so I can do it myself!"

In the world of Weyard, there are those known as Adepts, or those who can control one of the four elements. Venus represents the power of earth, Mars is fire, Jupiter is wind, and Mercury is water. Isaac happens to be a Venus Adept, and gets caught in a chain of events that threaten to change the face of Weyard forever. Much like the element he controls, Isaac is strong of heart with a slight stubborn streak. He's very kind-hearted, and will strongly trust those he counts as friends. Isaac also prefers to think things through instead of deciding hastily, examining all angles to ensure he's coming to the right decision. However, once he makes his decision, he'll see it through to the end, no matter what. Although he's a silent protagonist in the first game, he gains the ability to speak in The Lost Age. As for the reason for his journey...

Eons ago, the power of Alchemy, and with it many many Adepts, once flowed freely across the land. However, the ancients deemed Alchemy to be too dangerous for anyone to use and sealed it away using the Elemental Stars. These Stars slumbered within Sol Sanctum, located within Mt. Aleph. One night, intruders attempt to discover what was hidden there, and fail, triggering a trap which kills Isaac's father, along with the parents and brother of his friend Jenna. In the process, Isaac and friend Garet run into the survivors of the attempted raiders, and are swiftly rendered unconscious. Feeling as if those they lost could have been saved had they been more skilled with Psynergy, Isaac and Garet began studying the art heavily over the next three years. One day, fate leads the three to Sol Sanctum, where they discover something that triggers the start of Isaac's quest.

By the end of the events of the second game, Isaac is seen as one of the most powerful Venus Adepts alive. This strength is eventually passed on to his son, Matthew, who is the main character of the third game, Dark Dawn. By this point, both Isaac and Garet have taken up residence in a small cabin that overlooks Mt. Aleph, where they raise their children Matthew and Tyrell. It is here that Isaac helped to train the kids in both the arts of Psynergy and of battling with more traditional weapons; after an accident caused by Tyrell's headstrong nature, it's up to Matthew to start his own quest, one that takes him across the land and to the very edge of the world 30 years after his father's famous journey.

References:

http://goldensunwiki.net/Isaac

http://goldensunwiki.net/Vale

Edited June 2, 2013 by Mirby

[Rexy]

- The section on collecting crystals to stop Neo Cortex (more for the good endings) doesn't seem relevant enough to Crash's character. The earlier mention involving purple crystals, I think, should be enough "game objective" background, so you can keep this paragraph centered on Crash's allies.

Well I put in the relevance there because you asked for the relevance behind the boxes. They didn't have a story link - just a way for the Naughty Dog staff to add more challenge to the game if they're all broken. I take in the end there shouldn't be any elaboration on the boxes outside of the whole namesake thing?

- "limited verbal skills" --> So does he ever actually talk (say comprehensible English words or sentences)? If so, we can potentially include a quote of his in the bio.

Most of the time his speech is minimal, or if there is any at all, it's often garbled. In fact, most games have him often saying one word ("Whoa!", being heard if he dies). Outside of kart racers/party games, it wasn't until Crash of the Titans when he finally used his voice some more, but even then his speech is completely garbled and unintelligible (give or take the exclamation of "Pancakes!", but that's about it). Whichever is the case, Crash hasn't canonically stringed an entire sentence together yet.

[Chernabogue]

OK, thanks for the feedback. I'll throw an update in soonish.

[Chernabogue]

OK, second attempt. I hope this is better.

Alucard

"You have been doomed ever since you lost the ability to love."

Adrian Fahrenheit Tepes is the half-vampire son of the evil Count Dracula and Lisa, a kind medicine woman, and raised in the respect of humans. On one fateful night, villagers accused Lisa of witchcraft. Sentenced to death, Lisa told Alucard not to seek revenge against humans just before being executed in front of him. His father, Dracula, enraged, cast a curse on Europe and launched his army of creatures against humans. Adrian, disgusted by his father's reaction, took the pseudonym of Alucard (Dracula spelled backwards, to show his opposition to his father) and left Castlevania, his father's fortress.

As a supernatural being, Alucard possesses superhuman strenght, speed and resistance. He also disposes of a large variety of powers: shapeshifting into a wolf, a bat or even a cloud of mist, dark spells allowing him to suck his enemies' vital energy, and can summon Familiars to assist him. Adrian/Alucard is cold and distant with other people, mostly because of his cursed blood. He even exiled himself from the world following Dracula's first death. However, he's determined, leaves nothing to chance, and will do everything that is needed to defeat his evil father. Alucard may appear as a lonely person but withholds his emotions, as he never really got over his mother's death.

Across centuries, Alucard used his numerous powers to help the Belmonts, holy warriors, to fight a now-mad Dracula, who declared war against humanity. In 1797, due to the lack of Belmont at that time, Alucard emerged from a deep sleep to fight Dracula once again. At the beginning of the 21th Century, Alucard took the name of Genya Arikado and joined a secret organization to watch over the supernatural.

Selected Game Appearances

NES

Castlevania III: Dracula's Curse (1989)

Playstation

Castlevania: Symphony of the Night (1997)

Game Boy Advance

Castlevania: Aria of Sorrow (2003)

Nintendo DS

Castlevania: Dawn of Sorrow (2005)

References

http://castlevania.wikia.com/wiki/Alucard (Castlevania Wiki)

http://www.vgmuseum.com/mrp/heroes-main.htm (Mr.P's Castlevania Realm)

[Polo]

Isaac (again):

Right now, the order/focus of Golden Sun's backstory and Isaac's character is still rather shaky.

- "gets caught in a chain of events that threaten to change the face of Weyard forever" --> This feels like it belongs more with the tail end of the start of Isaac's journey. Currently it acts as a hindrance prior to describing his character.

- "As for the reason for his journey..." --> It's a good sign that you're creating flow between main ideas. The current wording just feels like you're bringing attention to the link itself rather than linking the ideas. In other words, it's like saying, "Oh by the way, there's another side to this story" in an offhand way. You can conserve words when talking about the ideas directly. For instance, you might say, "It is these events (the "deaths" of some characters) that spur Isaac on a journey in which he struggles against forces that threaten to change the face of Weyard forever." Or something.

Basically, you want to join the facts that feel like they belong near each other from a core standpoint. Here's an example of what I mean: "In the world of Weyard, there are gifted individuals who, through the power of Alchemy (or is it Psynergy?)*, can control one of the four elements. These "Adepts" can manipulate the powers of earth (represented by Venus), fire (Mercury), wind (Jupiter), or water (Mercury) to their advantage. Eons ago, the ancients deemed such powers too dangerous, and they sealed them away using jewels known as Elemental Stars." (If you start with the prologue and backstory like this, it would help illustrate the scope of Adepts' power by bringing in the tidbit about them controlling the four elements.)

- Oops, now "strong of heart" and "kind-hearted" are close enough to make Isaac's goodwill seem redundant. (Not to mention "strong" precedes "strong[ly trust].") I'm sure you'll find a way to reword one or both sentences for verbal variety.

- You also say "deciding," "decision," and "decision" rather close together. The second word can change to "conclusion" or "solution" or "answer." (You can always consult a thesaurus. Just don't use the wrong alternative word.)

- "However, once he makes his decision" --> "However" implies a contradiction to the previous passage, but this sentence isn't really contradictory in my mind; it's more of an expansion on what happens when he DOES come to a decision.

- Before you get to saying he's a silent protagonist in "the first game," be sure to mention that Isaac's from the Golden Sun series (otherwise readers will be like, "what first game? is it a series?").

- "deemed Alchemy to be too dangerous" --> Cut "to be" to avoid the passive voice.

- "fate leads the three" --> Who's the third? Jenna? Just make it clear.

- "after an accident caused by Tyrell's headstrong nature, it's up to Matthew to start his own quest" --> I'm sure you're just avoiding spoilers, but even out of context this sounds bizarre. You can shorten it by saying the skills Matthew learns help him once he embarks on his own quest.

*Another major note: because these bios are meant for newcomers to read about these characters and their histories for the first time, some game-specific terms and names may need to be redefined or clarified. "What's Sol Sanctum?" "Is Synergy the same as Alchemy?" (I'm sure you noticed I called the Elemental Stars "jewels" above.) Even though such answers will be answered in the reference links you provide, you want to present a standalone article that whets readers' appetites without leaving them confused.

I don't mean to scare or frustrate the crap out of you. I just think your eager writing could strongly benefit from refined ordering, pacing, and careful avoidance of repeated words.

Crash Bandicoot:

I take in the end there shouldn't be any elaboration on the boxes outside of the whole namesake thing?

Yeah, pretty much. A gameplay mechanic that explains why he's called Crash is enough.

Most of the time his speech is minimal, or if there is any at all, it's often garbled. In fact, most games have him often saying one word ("Whoa!", being heard if he dies). Outside of kart racers/party games, it wasn't until Crash of the Titans when he finally used his voice some more, but even then his speech is completely garbled and unintelligible (give or take the exclamation of "Pancakes!", but that's about it). Whichever is the case, Crash hasn't canonically stringed an entire sentence together yet.

Okay, I guess we don't need to worry about giving him a quote then. Thanks for the info.

Alucard (once more):

- "and raised in the respect of humans" --> Do you mean he was raised with feelings of respect for humans or like a human?

- "On one fateful night" --> "One fateful night" (simpler)

- "Sentenced to death" --> You can cut this because you already say that Lisa's accused of witchcraft (before) and that she's executed before Alucard's eyes (after). (You can also replace "Lisa" in this sentence with "She" so you don't repeat her name so soon.)

- strenght --> strength

- "He also disposes of a large variety of powers" --> Do you mean he "commands a large variety of powers"?

- In the long sentence about Alucard's unique powers, after the words "mist" and "energy," it helps to use a semicolon ; instead of a comma because you're detailing a list that has commas within at least one part. So here's how it'll look: "...variety of powers: shapeshifting into a wolf, a bat or even a cloud of mist; casting dark spells to drain his enemies' vital energy; and summoning Familiars to assist him." (Notice each list item starts with an -ing verb for consistency.)

- "due to the lack of Belmont" --> Add "a" before Belmont.

- 21th Century --> 21st century

- The last sentence seems a teensy bit unfinished, like the bio deserves a more fulfilling closure. My only suggestion is to start it with: "Most recently, at the beginning of the 21st century..." in order to give an up-to-date perspective on Alucard's actions, although if more Castlevania games come out with Alucard in them (I don't doubt it), it might make the bio appear unfinished again. Maybe you can come up with a more definitive closure.

Dafydd, could you help me out a bit? I'm sure you see some archaic sentence structures and info ambiguities that irk you while I take my inherent English for granted.

[Chernabogue]

Alucard (once more):

- "and raised in the respect of humans" --> Do you mean he was raised with feelings of respect for humans or like a human?

He was raised with feeling of respect for humans (as his mother was a human). Lisa wanted Alucard not to be evil and not to attack humans.

Thanks for the feedback. I'll wait for some for Dafydd's approval/feedback to re-work it.

[Mirby]

Don't worry about it. I was struggling with how to order the bio as you'd suggested and couldn't figure it out, so I really appreciate that suggestion. It was the missing puzzle piece I needed. ^.^

Edit incoming.

---

"If you're not here to help my friend, then get out of my way, so I can do it myself!"

In the world of Weyard, there are gifted individuals who, using the power of Alchemy to utilize the art of Psynergy, can control one of the four elements. These people are known as Adepts, and can manipulate the powers of earth (known as Venus), fire (Mars), wind (Jupiter), or water (Mercury) to their advantage. Eons ago, the ancients deemed these powers too dangerous, and thus sealed them away using four jewels known as the Elemental Stars. As time went on, the story of Alchemy's sealing faded into legend... Countless centuries pass until one stormy night in a small mountain village known as Vale, where life changes quickly for young Isaac after a raiding party decides to seek the truth in those tales.

In the process, the raiders trigger a trap which kills Isaac's father, along with the parents and brother of his friend Jenna. Isaac and his friend Garet run into the sole survivors of the raiding party while looking for help, and are promptly rendered unconscious. Feeling as if those they lost could have been saved had they been more skilled with Psynergy, Isaac and Garet began studying the art heavily over the next three years. One seemingly average day, Isaac plans to meet up with Garet and Jenna to go on a field trip with Kraden, a scholar who had been living in the town for several years. Their destination? Sol Sanctum, a sacred shrine dedicated to the sun that few may enter, and only then with the permission of the village elders. Once they enter, the group becomes part of events that could very well change them and the world they live in forever.

Much like the element he controls, Isaac is a very resolute individual with a slight stubborn streak. He's very kind-hearted, and will strongly trust those he counts as friends. Isaac also prefers to think things through instead of deciding hastily, examining all angles to ensure he's coming to the proper conclusion. Once he makes up his mind, he'll see it through to the end, no matter what. Although he's a silent protagonist in the first Golden Sun, he gains the ability to speak in its sequel, The Lost Age. By the end of the events in that game, Isaac is seen as one of the most powerful Venus Adepts alive. This strength is eventually passed on to his son, Matthew, who is the main character of the third game, Dark Dawn. By this point, both Isaac and Garet have taken up residence in a small cabin that overlooks Mt. Aleph, where they raise their children Matthew and Tyrell. It is here that Isaac helped to train the kids in both the arts of Psynergy and of battling with more traditional weapons; these skills are of great aid to Matthew when he must start his own quest, one that takes him across the land and to the very edge of the world 30 years after his father's famous journey.

Edited June 4, 2013 by Mirby

[Dafydd]

Dafydd, could you help me out a bit? I'm sure you see some archaic sentence structures and info ambiguities that irk you while I take my inherent English for granted.

I'm sorry, dude - as happy as I am to see this project come back to life, it really couldn't have come at a worse time for me. Thursday is a national holiday though, so I'll be back with some more feedback then.

Alucard:

"son of the evil Count Dracula and Lisa, a kind medicine woman, and" This does not read well. I tried "son of the evil Count Dracula and a kind medicine woman, Lisa" but that also didn't sound very good.

"and raised in the respect of humans" -> "and raised to respect human beings", maybe? Not sure how to fit it together with the previous phrase. Maybe a better solution is "son of the evil Count Dracula, and of Lisa, a kind medicine woman(,) who raised him to respect human beings." I'm assuming here that Dracula didn't help foster this attitude, but I could be mistaken. The parenthesized comma I need some input on, because I'm not sure it belongs there.

"One fateful night, villagers accused Lisa of witchcraft. Sentenced to death, Lisa told Alucard not to seek revenge against humans just before being executed in front of him" would perhaps sound better as "One fateful night, villagers accused Lisa of witchcraft, and sentenced her to death. Just before being executed in front of Adrian, she told him not to seek revenge against humankind". I'm not completely happy about this wording either, but I think it flows better. Instead of "told him not to" you might want "begged" or "urged". "Humans" should probably replaced by "humankind" or "humanity" here and elsewhere in the bio. Also, it makes no sense to refer to him as Alucard before you explain the name in the next sentence, so go with Adrian here.

"to show his opposition to his father"... I could have sworn that should be "opposition against", but Google tells me "opposition to" is 10 times as common. English is so weird sometimes.

"As a supernatural being," sounds like Alucard is only supernatural some of the time, but I could be wrong. "Being supernatural," also doesn't sound right, and for similar reasons. "Being a supernatural being,"... Nope. Maybe "A supernatural being,"?

Polo: "shapeshifting into a wolf, a bat or even a cloud of mist" - shouldn't it be "a bat, or even"? I'm asking because I'm not sure (but it should be analogous to the sentence below).

"strength, speed and resistance" -> "strength, speed, and resistance". But resistance to what? Injury? Pain? Urges? Subliminal advertising? Maybe it doesn't need to be specified after all.

"mostly because of his cursed blood." So... what are the other reasons? I think "partly" is preferable to "mostly" unless you motivate why his blood is a more important factor than others.

"He even exiled himself from the world following Dracula's first death." That does sound like a cold person, yeah. But how does one "exile himself from the world"? Did he sleep in a coffin in orbit, or what?

"Alucard may appear as a lonely person but withholds his emotions, as he never really got over his mother's death." So, A but B, because C... But how do you appear to be a lonely person if you don't show any emotions? Or, which emotions is he withholding? Is he afraid of making friends because he might lose them, as he did his mother? I'm not really following.

I can't help it, but "the lack of Belmont" made my day I'm seeing vivid images of "NEEDS MOAR BELMONT" comments appearing in Castlevania remix judges decision threads in a near future. How would you translate "l'absence d'un Belmont" compared to "l'absence de Belmont" anyway? I think the latter phrase sounds like something you'd say about cheese at a dinner party or something, but even then I think "l'absence du Belmont" sounds more correct. I never was very good at French, though. Moving on...

To elaborate on what Polo said, that last paragraph sounds strange, as if you're just throwing in random facts before you have to stop writing. The last sentence in particular sounds like a piece of trivia that we might as well leave out.

Sorry guys, that's all I had time for tonight. Be back soon.

Edited June 4, 2013 by Dafydd

[NovaReaper]

Ok, this is Marth's bio:

-------------------------

"Defeat on the battlefield means death. Any allies you lose will never return... That is the harsh reality of war."

REWRITE IN PROGRESS

Edited June 6, 2013 by NovaReaper

[Dafydd]

Novareaper, this is the list of names in the first paragraph alone (and for all I know I could have missed a handful of them when counting):

• Marth
  
• Altea
  
• Akaneia
  
• Anri
  
• Falchion
  
• Shadow Dragon, Medeus
  
• Gra
  
• Elice
  
• Talys
  
• Caeda
  
• Pontifex Gharnef
  
• Dolhr
  
• Jagen
  
• Aurelian
  
• Hardin
  

The point of a bio is not to cram as much information as possible into as few words as possible, or to sum up the entire story around a character, but to give us an introduction to a character we are not familiar with (project guidelines here - please read them). Reduce the list of names, cut out the unimportant facts and the spoilers, and give us an introduction. I'm not familiar with the Fire Emblem storyline, but I would imagine the flight to Talys would be a good point in the story to stop, instead of telling what looks to me like the entire storyline. There's also no information at all about Marth's personality or skills.

Edited June 6, 2013 by Dafydd

[Dafydd]

Welcome back, Rexy! The Crash bio is a little long, I think. There's a lot more on his personality now, which is a great improvement, but there's still too much technical data in there, and there are several sentences that read like "A, info about A; B, info about B; C, info about C" or sentences that read more like lists than actual language.

but even then his speech is completely garbled and unintelligible (give or take the exclamation of "Pancakes!", but that's about it).

Ha ha! I never played the games, but from what I can tell, I like this guy. I think this quote belongs in the bio much more than information about technical achievements on the PS1.

[Chernabogue]

New update for Alucard! :)Still not sure about the "respect humans" sentence, but it sounds better now. I guess that if Alucard was a lawyer, I would have less trouble writing his bio

Alucard

"You have been doomed ever since you lost the ability to love."

Adrian Fahrenheit Tepes is the half-vampire son of the evil Count Dracula and Lisa, a kind medicine woman. He was raised by his loving mother, who taught him to respect humans as equals. One fateful night, villagers accused Lisa of witchcraft. She begged Adrian not to seek revenge against humans just before being executed before his eyes. Dracula, enraged, cast a curse on Europe and launched his army of creatures against humanity. Disgusted by this, Adrian took the pseudonym of Alucard (Dracula spelled backwards, to show his total opposition to him) and left his father's fortress. Adrian/Alucard is cold and distant with other people, mostly because of his cursed blood, reminding him of his direct affiliation to Dracula. He even exiled himself from the world following his father's first death, sleeping in a buried coffin for more than three centuries. He withholds his emotions behind his lonely and cold personality, as he never really got over his mother's death.

Being half-vampire, Alucard possesses superhuman strength and speed. He can also use a large variety of powers: shapeshifting into a wolf, a bat, or even a cloud of mist; dark spells allowing him to suck his enemies' vital energy; and summoning various Familiars to assist him. However, he's determined, leaves nothing to chance, and will do everything that is needed to defeat his evil father and other threats. Across centuries, he used his numerous powers to help the Belmonts, holy warriors, to fight a now-mad Dracula, who declared war against humanity. Alucard's immortality allowed him to thwart Dracula's plans each time he came back to life, even when the son was on his own to kill his father. The struggle between Dracula and Alucard is eternal. At the beginning of the 21st century, Alucard took the name of Genya Arikado and joined a secret organization to watch over the supernatural, knowing that Dracula may return one day.

Selected Game Appearances

NES

Castlevania III: Dracula's Curse (1989)

Playstation

Castlevania: Symphony of the Night (1997)

Game Boy Advance

Castlevania: Aria of Sorrow (2003)

Nintendo DS

Castlevania: Dawn of Sorrow (2005)

References

http://castlevania.wikia.com/wiki/Alucard (Castlevania Wiki)

http://www.vgmuseum.com/mrp/heroes-main.htm (Mr.P's Castlevania Realm)

Edited June 7, 2013 by Chernabogue

[Polo]

Eyes + tack - T:

Because there's lots of ongoing descriptions in the narrative side of the bio, my main notes this time 'round are to cut the more fanciful prose and succinctify the essentials. Observe:

- "using the power of Alchemy to utilize the art of Psynergy" --> "using the powers of Alchemy and Psynergy"

I understand they're both distinct and important in the Golden Sun games, but I'd rather we avoid piling on the technicalities of these metaphysical forces to give readers a break. (I also read that Psynergy controls Alchemy, not vice versa, but that's a moot point.)

- "As time went on, the story of Alchemy's sealing [...] a raiding party decides to seek the truth in those tales." --> "The effects of this lost legend resurface centuries later in a mountain village called Vale, and life quickly changes for a young Venus Adept named Isaac."

This way you establish early on that he's a Venus Adept (its absence in this draft makes his sudden Psynergy aptitude and the start of the third paragraph jarring) and you can mention the tragedies & quest beginnings in the next paragraph.

- You can simplify the raiders' actions by saying they try to gain access to the mountain to discover a secret linked to the lost legend in one sentence (to pay off the mystery in the previous sentence), and then note the effects of their deeds (Isaac's father and others lost, Isaac defeated in battle) in another sentence. Then cue the blame and teen wangst and study time. Each sentence will have a specific focus to resonate more powerfully.

- "One seemingly average day [...] the group becomes part of events" --> "Their studies lead them and another friend to Sol Sanctum, a sacred shrine dedicated to the sun that few may enter. Once they do, the group becomes part of a series of events that may change them and the world they live in forever."

Kraden's role is already tied up in this without needing to be mentioned directly (he's a scholar who supports Isaac and Garet in their endeavors), there's no need to say "one day" (or a variant) after the three-year time skip, and "few may enter" is enigmatic but informative enough without bringing up the village elders.

- "Isaac is a very resolute individual" --> Nitpick: cut "very" since being called resolute should be enough of a clue to his integrity, and because you say "very" again in the next sentence. (Watch out for those word repeats.)

- "By this point, both Isaac and Garet have taken up residence [...] Isaac helped to train the kids in both the arts of Psynergy and of battling with more traditional weapons" --> "By this point, Isaac and Garet have trained their children, Matthew and Tyrell respectively, in the arts of Psynergy and of using traditional weapons"

The mountain cabin and Mt. Aleph work as offhand sensory venues, but they don't hold much weight compared to the fact that Isaac and Garet pass on their skills to their sons. (You can also cut the first iteration of Matthew's name [previous sentence] so you don't have to say it twice so soon.)

- "across the land and to the very edge of the world" --> Care to pick one of these? How far does Matthew go?

Backwards Dracula: I agree with much of what Dafydd has to say. To add to his advice...

"son of the evil Count Dracula and Lisa, a kind medicine woman, and" This does not read well. I tried "son of the evil Count Dracula and a kind medicine woman, Lisa" but that also didn't sound very good.

Maybe the "medicine woman" part is irrelevant? The wording could be shortened to: "Adrian Fahrenheit Tepes is the half-vampire son of Count Dracula and a human named Lisa." Or is that too threadbare?

The parenthesized comma I need some input on, because I'm not sure it belongs there.

That comma wouldn't need to be there because it's part of the clause describing who this "Lisa" is. A different sentence structure/focus could keep that comma, but not here.

- I agree that "taught him to respect humans as equals" works. I say go with that.

- I think Chernabogue's new wording regarding Lisa's fate helps convey her plight effectively (better pacing while emitting redundancy).

- "His father, Dracula, enraged, cast a curse" --> Cut "His father," because that's one too many comma-induced pauses.

"to show his opposition to his father"... I could have sworn that should be "opposition against", but Google tells me "opposition to" is 10 times as common. English is so weird sometimes.

Yeah, "opposition to" is proper English. Our language sure is weird.

- "Adrian, disgusted by his father's reaction, took the pseudonym of Alucard (Dracula spelled backwards, to show his opposition to his father) and left Castlevania, his father's fortress." --> The word "father" appears 3 times, and I think a little idea reordering is in order. Maybe: "Disgusted by this, Adrian left his father's fortress and took on the pseudonym Alucard (Dracula spelled backwards, to show his opposition to him)."

- I think instead of "supernatural," "half-vampire" should be the mode of description in the second paragraph, like: "Because he's half-vampire, Alucard possesses..."

- Strength kind of already implies "resistance" (against pain), so yeah, it doesn't need to be there.

- "He also can use" --> Personally, I prefer "He can also use"

Polo: "shapeshifting into a wolf, a bat or even a cloud of mist" - shouldn't it be "a bat, or even"? I'm asking because I'm not sure (but it should be analogous to the sentence below).

Ah, yes. I probably passed over it because some people skip the second comma in lists of three. But for clarity, sure, we can keep that comma in there.

- Semicolons can be attached to the ends of words with no spaces; they won't bite.

- Just to re-emphasize, the verb tense should be consistent in a list like Alucard's abilities, so you can use -ing verbs like in my previous example or something else. But keep it the same for the shapeshifting, dark spells, and Familiars.

- "remembering him of his direct filiation to Dracula" --> "reminding him of his direct affiliation to Dracula"

- "sleeping in a burried coffin during more than three centuries" --> "sleeping in a buried coffin for more than three centuries"

- I'm thinking the second and third paragraphs can be combined somehow. The third paragraph (or at least its first sentence) should precede or coincide with Alucard's abilities to expand upon how he kicks ass when opposing Dracula. (The sentence about him being determined and leaves nothing to chance works on a similar level.) This is gonna take some fancy rearrangement, but my main note is to look for facts that feel like they work together and connect them (for example, his conviction/determination + his goal to stop Dracula, or his sealing himself away as part of his eternal struggle against his father, who rises again every so often).

As for his personality, that could probably follow the first paragraph (good way to segue into how he never got over Lisa's death and how he curses his own blood), and as you illuminate different parts of his moods/personal burdens, you can link those to his single-minded goal to stop Dracula and what he does in the Castlevania games (team up with Belmonts and use his powers to his advantage).

- And again, it's 21st, short for twenty-first.

[Chernabogue]

I edited my previous post with Polo's new suggestions, and with a new organization of paragraphs. Sorry for the dumb mistakes and typos (21st, the semicolons, etc.)

[Mirby]

Weyard is a flat world, hence mentioning "the edge of the world" since there literally is an edge (it's called Gaia Falls, since the oceans fall off of it there). Then again, I don't mention that it's a flat world, so I guess that's moot.

Edit incoming.

----

"If you're not here to help my friend, then get out of my way, so I can do it myself!"

In the world of Weyard, there are gifted individuals who, using the powers of Psynergy and Alchemy, can control one of the four elements. These people are known as Adepts, and can manipulate the powers of earth (known as Venus), fire (Mars), wind (Jupiter), or water (Mercury) to their advantage. Eons ago, the ancients deemed these powers too dangerous, and thus sealed them away using four jewels known as the Elemental Stars. The effects of this lost legend resurface centuries later in a small mountain village known as Vale, and life changes quickly for a young Venus Adept named Isaac.

Raiders come to seek the truth in those tales, and in so doing trigger a trap which kills Isaac's father, along with the parents and brother of his friend Jenna. Isaac and his friend Garet run into the sole survivors of the raiding party while looking for help, and are promptly rendered unconscious. Feeling as if those they lost could have been saved had they been more skilled with Psynergy, Isaac and Garet began studying the art heavily over the next three years. Their studies lead them to Sol Sanctum, an ancient shrine dedicated to the sun that few may enter. Once they do, the group becomes part of events that could very well change them and the world they live in forever.

Much like the element he controls, Isaac is a resolute individual with a slight stubborn streak. He's very kind-hearted, and will strongly trust those he counts as friends. Isaac also prefers to think things through instead of deciding hastily, examining all angles to ensure he's coming to the proper conclusion. Once he makes up his mind, he'll see it through to the end, no matter what. Although he's a silent protagonist in the first Golden Sun, he gains the ability to speak in its sequel, The Lost Age. By the end of the events in that game, Isaac is seen as one of the most powerful Venus Adepts alive. This strength is eventually passed on to his son, who is the main character of the third game, Dark Dawn. By this point, both Isaac and Garet have trained their children, Matthew and Tyrell respectively, in both Psynergy and more traditional weapons. These skills are of great aid to Matthew when he must start his own quest, one that takes him all over northern Weyard 30 years after father's famous journey.

Edited June 7, 2013 by Mirby