Dafydd Posted May 26, 2013 Author Report Share Posted May 26, 2013 (edited) Sorry for the wait. and whose empress is obsessed with controlling all she sees. Normally, I don't like the word 'that', but I think "all that she sees" would give this better rhythm. On a side note, "what mysteries can be found" doesn't sound right to my ears (but yes, it too gets thousands of hits on google). Are mysteries found? "I found a mystery in the fridge...". I dunno. Not telling you to change the bio, just thinking out loud. A less easily fixed gripe I have with this, though, is some of the structure. Vyse serves with his father's band of pirates, But Vyse has always desired to explore more than just the area near his home. The primary targets of Vyse and his fellow Blue Rogues are the forces of the Valuan Empire. Vyse and Aika find their worldview thrown for a loop when they meet Fina, a mysterious girl from a remote land. I feel that the part about Vyse's desire to explore distant lands needs to come after introducing us to his enemies, if, as it seems, these enemies are what's for lunch every day. His dreams of adventure feel disconnected from the paragraph about Fina, I think. Maybe fixing this is as easy as moving that sentence to the end of the third paragraph instead of the second, but maybe you have a better idea. Edited May 27, 2013 by Dafydd Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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