OCR Mascot Bios - 20 more up for grabs!

[Dafydd]

If something happens in the, what, 13th game, I'd like to think there's no need to consider it. The "original Falchion" is still named just "Falchion", so there's no need to refer to it as anything but "Falchion". Maybe Polo had a reason for calling it "his Falchion" that I'm not aware of.

EDIT: Thanks for explaining though!

Edited September 22, 2013 by Dafydd

[Mirby]

The thirteenth game is Awakening (which takes place a couple thousand of years after Marth lived), so the other Falchion is basically an alternate timeline one; in that timeline, it is no different from the main Falchion that Marth wields. And the fact it becomes the Exalted Falchion needs no merit either; after all, this is Marth's bio, not his sword's. If it doesn't become the Exalted Falchion or have an alternate timeline version during his adventures, it's rather pointless to mention in his bio.

[Polo]

Any particular reason why "who" wouldn't work instead of "and he"? Either works fine. I think I would've used "who", and I'm not sure why.

You are right that both are grammatically correct. However, I chose "and he" as a way of treating Marth's status as prince of Altea as a separate fact before going into the meat of his story. Going with "who" might turn the sentence into being about the only person in Altea who had bad luck when invaders came (he wasn't the only one, obviously). He may be a visible target of political strife and what have you, but it feels unnatural to box him in as, in truncated terms, "the prince who suffered that one time." I feel that my current wording gives him some leeway.

Jokes aside though, I actually misunderstood that sentence on the first read.

Does this mean you want a fix to that fragment about the weapon Marth wields? Do you mean the entire sentence (including mention of the Fire Emblem)? Or is it clear enough?

It looks weird to put the thing that's being called something in quotes and the thing it's being called in not-quotes. On the other hand, it would look even worse with quotes around both. I'm not sure what to do about this one, if anything.

You know how quotes give an extra, deceptive meaning to a word or phrase within them, right? At any rate, the word armor can function fine without them, no problem.

oobalabooba about Falchion

To keep it simple, I can replace "Falchion" in the last paragraph with "blade"

[Dafydd]

I feel that my current wording gives him some leeway.

Righty. I think keeping the comma before "who" keeps him boxed out, but it's your call.

Does this mean you want a fix to that fragment about the weapon Marth wields? Do you mean the entire sentence (including mention of the Fire Emblem)? Or is it clear enough?

Just the part about the sword. I don't know if it even needs fixing, honestly, I was just telling you the story about how my mind works (or doesn't).

You know how quotes give an extra, deceptive meaning to a word or phrase within them, right?

At any rate, the word armor can function fine without them, no problem.

As long as there's no risk anyone will mistake it for an actual piece of armor called "trust". No caps though, so no worries.

oobalabooba about Falchion

I think the word you're looking for is hullabaloo, but, close enough.

That's it, I think. Marth and Crash are all set, as far as I'm concerned.

Edited September 23, 2013 by Dafydd

[Polo]

Okie dokie lokie. Both bios uploaded with the necessary fixes intact.

[Dafydd]

Great - we're down to just 3 bios left, and then we're in the clear. I'll get to going over your long post of fixes very soon.

[The Damned]

Oh hey, free time. Better use it wisely by finally getting around to the thing I said I as going to do.

-----

Pikachu is a small yellow rodent-like animal from the series Pokémon. Since its introduction in 1996, it has gone on to become the mascot character of the entire franchise. Appearing on Pokémon-related merchandise from books to stickers to clothing, Pikachu is synonymous with the series, and is one of the most well-known video game characters of all time.

Pikachu, referring to both individuals and groups, are quick and agile, overcoming their low physical strength and endurance. They concentrate on outmaneuvering their opponents, and then hitting them with strong Electric attacks. They can use the devestating Thunder Wave to stun an opponent, or dash at them with Volt Tackle. Rarely, a Pikachu may know the powerful Surf attack, a tidal wave that crashes down upon an enemy and sweeps them away. Their Electrical powers are so strong that when several of them gather, they can inadvertently cause thunderstorms.

Though typically found in lush woodlands like the Viridian Forest, they have been known to appear in cities and power-generating plants. They are attracted to the electricity in the wiring, and are sometimes spotted suckling the wiring like a straw, sipping voltage. Whether they increase their power this way or are simply replenishing their energy is unknown.

Trainers (people who capture and raise Pokémon for battling) that wish to use a Pikachu are advised to watch out for the red spots on Pikachu's cheeks. They are actually pouches which store vast amounts of electrical energy. Careless contact can result in a powerful shock. Lastly, one should never grab a Pikachu by its tail. They will quickly turn around and bite you. With enough love and attention, Pikachu will not only follow a Trainer around, but may even sit upon their shoulders or head. Loyal and steadfast, Pikachu will defend fellow Pokémon and humans against enemies and natural disasters. They are deeply affectionate and make lifelong friends with those they trust.

Sources:

1.) http://bulbapedia.bulbagarden.net/wiki/Pikachu#Pok.C3.A9dex_entries_3

2.) http://bulbapedia.bulbagarden.net/wiki/Pok%C3%A9mon_Yellow_Version

-----

I ditched the berry thing entirely. When I first wrote it, I thought it would help explain behavior more. But two months of not looking at it made me realize it was actually rather pointless. No one really cares about what video game characters eat unless it's a very important part of the game, story or character. Kirby eats stuff all the time, that could be useful info. But you don't actually feed Pokémon in the games, and when you do, it's not really direct or obvious. They can use berries in battle, but that's about it. Poffins/Pokéblocks? No one cares about those either, and they have no real effect in the games aside from some side-game distractions.

Fixed all spelling and grammar suggestions from before. Thank you for the help. This one should be good to go, I hope.

[Polo]

You're very nearly there, just a couple things to fix now:

- devestating --> devastating

- "Lastly, one should never grab a Pikachu by its tail. They will quickly turn around and bite you." --> Dafydd provided this alternative: "Lastly, Pikachu are known to quickly turn around and bite whoever tries to grab their tail." This would keep the tone objective without suddenly addressing the reader with "you." (If you have another way you'd like to phrase the tail-grabbing no-no, you're welcome to suggest it.)

Everything else looks smooth.

[The Damned]

Adjusted. Version 5.0.Idon'tknowanymore

Pikachu is a small yellow rodent-like animal from the series Pokémon. Since its introduction in 1996, it has gone on to become the mascot character of the entire franchise. Appearing on Pokémon-related merchandise from books to stickers to clothing, Pikachu is synonymous with the series, and is one of the most well-known video game characters of all time.

Pikachu, referring to both individuals and groups, are quick and agile, overcoming their low physical strength and endurance. They concentrate on outmaneuvering their opponents, and then hitting them with strong Electric attacks. They can use the devastating Thunder Wave to stun an opponent, or dash at them with Volt Tackle. Rarely, a Pikachu may know the powerful Surf attack, a tidal wave that crashes down upon an enemy and sweeps them away. Their Electrical powers are so strong that when several of them gather, they can inadvertently cause thunderstorms.

Though typically found in lush woodlands like the Viridian Forest, they have been known to appear in cities and power-generating plants. They are attracted to the electricity in the wiring, and are sometimes spotted suckling the wiring like a straw, sipping voltage. Whether they increase their power this way or are simply replenishing their energy is unknown.

Trainers (people who capture and raise Pokémon for battling) that wish to use a Pikachu are advised to watch out for the red spots on Pikachu's cheeks. They are actually pouches which store vast amounts of electrical energy. Careless contact can result in a powerful shock. Lastly, Pikachu are known to quickly turn around and bite whoever tries to grab their tail. With enough love and attention, Pikachu will not only follow a Trainer around, but may even sit upon their shoulders or head. Loyal and steadfast, Pikachu will defend fellow Pokémon and humans against enemies and natural disasters. They are deeply affectionate and make lifelong friends with those they trust.

Sources:

1.) http://bulbapedia.bulbagarden.net/wiki/Pikachu#Pok.C3.A9dex_entries_3

2.) http://bulbapedia.bulbagarden.net/wiki/Pok%C3%A9mon_Yellow_Version

[Dafydd]

They concentrate on outmaneuvering their opponents, and then hitting them with strong Electric attacks.

"opponents before hitting them?"

the powerful Surf attack, a tidal wave

I need my daily fix of semicolons. Is this a good place for one?

they have been known to appear in cities and power-generating plants.

*poof*. Yeah, that's what Pokémon do - you never see them coming. They just appear. So, I'm ok with the wording here. Were it a real animal though, it would sound weird to say they appear, right? Honest question.

Whether they increase their power this way or are simply replenishing their energy is unknown.

"or simply replenish"?

Trainers (people who capture and raise Pokémon for battling) that wish to use a Pikachu are advised to watch out for the red spots on Pikachu's cheeks. They are actually pouches which store vast amounts of electrical energy. Careless contact can result in a powerful shock. Lastly, Pikachu are known to quickly turn around and bite whoever tries to grab their tail. With enough love and attention, Pikachu will not only follow a Trainer around, but may even sit upon their shoulders or head. Loyal and steadfast, Pikachu will defend fellow Pokémon and humans against enemies and natural disasters. They are deeply affectionate and make lifelong friends with those they trust.

This whole paragraph has a lot of very short sentences. Semicolons, anyone? Commas are fine, too. What's there is good, it just needs more flow.

Edited September 25, 2013 by Dafydd

[Mirby]

I need my daily fix of semicolons. Is this a good place for one?

just wanted to chime in and say no, it's okay how it is. it's describing the attack in the same breath as mentioning it. a colon might be more appropriate, or rephrasing it as "which is a powerful tidal wave..."

but otherwise it works just fine.

[Darklink42]

just wanted to chime in and say no, it's okay how it is. it's describing the attack in the same breath as mentioning it. a colon might be more appropriate, or rephrasing it as "which is a powerful tidal wave..."

but otherwise it works just fine.

I beg to differ, I think you could put a semi-colon there if you wanted but it would be slightly awkward. In this case a full colon would be the best bet. The previous sentence leads up to the explanation of the element within it, in this case Surf, and the description follows after. Someone once said that a colon is kind of like a gate: it opens the previous sentence into the next one without completely stopping the flow.(See what I did there?) On the other hand, if the sentence were phrased a little differently, such that the description of Surf stood alone without leading up to something, a semi-colon would be more appropriate. Say, for instance, "Surf is a powerful attack that some Pikachu(s?) may learn; their ability to crash down on their opponents with the power of Poseidan's might is rare but impressive."

[Polo]

"opponents before hitting them?"

I'd prefer "outmaneuvering their opponents and hitting them" to avoid the idea that outmaneuvering is a prerequisite before a Pikachu can strike.

the powerful Surf attack, a tidal wave

I need my daily fix of semicolons. Is this a good place for one?

No. The following words are a sentence fragment that can't hold up on its own. The comma precedes the descriptive part, like when I described the Fire Emblem in Marth's bio (which you were okay with).

Were it a real animal though, it would sound weird to say they appear, right? Honest question.

I don't think so, personally. "Feral dogs appear in cities" sounds correct to me.

"or simply replenish"?

That works, although with a little tweaking: "Whether they increase their power or simply replenish their energy this way is unknown." (I moved "this way" to later in the sentence.)

This whole paragraph has a lot of very short sentences. [...] What's there is good, it just needs more flow.

How about...

"Trainers [...] are advised to exercise caution. The red spots on Pikachu's cheeks are actually pouches which store vast amounts of electrical energy, and careless contact can result in a powerful shock. They are also known to quickly turn around and bite whoever tries to grab their tail. However, with enough love and attention, Pikachu [...] may even sit upon their shoulders or head. Pikachu are deeply affectionate and make lifelong friends with those they trust, defending fellow Pokémon and humans against enemies and natural disasters."

[Dafydd]

The following words are a sentence fragment that can't hold up on its own. The comma precedes the descriptive part, like when I described the Fire Emblem in Marth's bio (which you were okay with).

Darn.

pouches which store

That's the hardest thing I've ever said in English besides "unalienable". I want to add a comma before "which", but then there's too many commas. "That" doesn't really do the job here.

They are also known to quickly turn around

The red spots, or Pikachu?

That's the last of it, I think.

[The Damned]

Pikachu is a small yellow rodent-like animal from the series Pokémon. Since its introduction in 1996, it has gone on to become the mascot character of the entire franchise. Appearing on Pokémon-related merchandise from books to stickers to clothing, Pikachu is synonymous with the series, and is one of the most well-known video game characters of all time.

Pikachu, referring to both individuals and groups, are quick and agile, overcoming their low physical strength and endurance. They concentrate on outmaneuvering their opponents, then hitting them with strong Electric attacks. They can use the devastating Thunder Wave to stun an opponent, or dash at them with Volt Tackle. Rarely, a Pikachu may know the powerful Surf attack, a tidal wave that crashes down upon an enemy and sweeps them away. Their Electrical powers are so strong that when several of them gather, they can inadvertently cause thunderstorms.

Though typically found in lush woodlands like the Viridian Forest, they have been known to appear in cities and power-generating plants. They are attracted to the electricity in the wiring, and are sometimes spotted suckling the wiring like a straw, sipping voltage. Whether they increase their power or simply replenish their energy this way is unknown.

Trainers (people who capture and raise Pokémon for battling) are advised to exercise caution during physical contact. [1] The red spots on Pikachu's cheeks are actually pouches which store vast amounts of electrical energy, and careless contact can result in a powerful shock. Pikachu are also known to quickly turn around and bite whoever tries to grab their tail.

However, with enough love and attention, Pikachu will not only follow their Trainer, but may even sit upon their shoulders or head. Pikachu are deeply affectionate and make lifelong friends with those they trust, defending fellow Pokémon and humans from harm. [2]

Sources:

1.) http://bulbapedia.bulbagarden.net/wiki/Pikachu#Pok.C3.A9dex_entries_3

2.) http://bulbapedia.bulbagarden.net/wiki/Pok%C3%A9mon_Yellow_Version

[1] Added a caution about physical contact that should tie the entire section about the dangers of Pikachu handling.

[2] Changed "from enemies and natural disasters" to "from harm" as it seemed kind of extraneous. Does it matter what they are protecting them from, so long as they protect?

[Polo]

[1] Added a caution about physical contact that should tie the entire section about the dangers of Pikachu handling.

[2] Changed "from enemies and natural disasters" to "from harm" as it seemed kind of extraneous. Does it matter what they are protecting them from, so long as they protect?

Cool, these are helpful adjustments.

Thanks for your effort, Damned. Pikachu is now uploaded.

[Mirby]

Two to go! The end is near!

[Dafydd]

Yeah, thanks for that last fix! Very nice

Moving on,

All is peaceful in the country of Nippon until Orochi, a fearsome demon once defeated many years ago, returns to shroud the land in darkness.

I don't think it's obvious here that's what the demon did before it was defeated. I can't just add "once more" to the end without rephrasing "once defeated many years ago", though.

The tree spirit Sakuya, in desperation, summons the great Sun Goddess Ōkami Amaterasu to return light and peace to the world. Appearing as a white wolf to ordinary people, her

I'd replace "her" with "Ameratasu's" here, as it's an uncommon name (to my ears, anyway) and can afford to be repeated once more, especially since it's not immediately obvious we're not talking about Sakuya.

red markings appear only to those who have strong faith in the gods. She is accompanied by a wandering artist named Issun, an excitable bug that acts as a source of exposition for the silent goddess (whom he calls "Ammy").

Would it be wrong to say "an excitable bug who"? Issun may be a bug, but he/she's also a person... right?

Amaterasu carries the Celestial Brush, which she uses to manipulate the world around her. Using her tail as the brush

,

She carries the brush... but it's her tail. How does that work?

she paints shapes and strokes that become real objects to help solve puzzles and advance. She also carries on her back the Divine Instrument

... which I think could be elaborated on with a few words. I thought it was a magical harp or something until I read the sources.

, which is her primary mode of attacking demons and other enemies.

Can we say "primary means" rather than "primary mode"? "Mode" makes me think of automatons.

Other than that, nice additions.

Edited October 2, 2013 by Dafydd

[Polo]

I don't think it's obvious here that's what the demon did before it was defeated.

"Returns" and "(to) shroud the land in darkness" don't have to be read as an inseparable idea. It's like if I left OCR and then "returned to make music," you wouldn't automatically think I made music beforehand (good stuff posted to OCR anyway), just that it would be the latest item on my agenda after my absence. Would it help to say Orochi "returns with the intent to shroud the land in darkness"?

I'd replace "her" with "Ameratasu's" here, as it's an uncommon name (to my ears, anyway) and can afford to be repeated once more, especially since it's not immediately obvious we're not talking about Sakuya.

I can jive with that. But only if it's spelled "Amaterasu's"

Would it be wrong to say "an excitable bug who"? Issun may be a bug, but he/she's also a person... right?

"Who" works, technically. I'm more used to using "that" in cases like this, but it's hard to explain, so we'll go with your preference.

She carries the brush... but it's her tail. How does that work?

Good catch. Possible rewording: "Amaterasu manipulates the world around her using a tool called the Celestial Brush. Using the tip of her tail, she paints..."

... which I think could be elaborated on with a few words. I thought it was a magical harp or something until I read the sources.

Divine Instruments are basically weapons (kinda vague, but oh well), so maybe: "She also carries on her back a Divine Instrument, a weapon that acts as her primary means of attacking..."

Can we say "primary means" rather than "primary mode"?

Sure.

[Dafydd]

"Returns" and "(to) shroud the land in darkness" don't have to be read as an inseparable idea. It's like if I left OCR and then "returned to make music," you wouldn't automatically think I made music beforehand (good stuff posted to OCR anyway), just that it would be the latest item on my agenda after my absence. Would it help to say Orochi "returns with the intent to shroud the land in darkness"?

Sorry, what I mean is, while Orochi does return to once again shroud the land in darkness, it's not obvious from that sentence that that's what he was doing before he was defeated, but it should be, because that's was he was doing, so the sentence needs to be fixed. "return with the intent to shroud the land in darkness" sounds awkward and again doesn't make it clear he was shrouding the land in darkness last time he was around.

I can jive with that. But only if it's spelled "Amaterasu's"

Lol Well, I think that typo only helped get my point across.

"Who" works, technically. I'm more used to using "that" in cases like this, but it's hard to explain

Try! I'm curious.

Good catch. Possible rewording: "Amaterasu manipulates the world around her using a tool called the Celestial Brush. Using the tip of her tail, she paints..."

Replace one of those "using"s with "with" and I'm good.

"She also carries on her back a Divine Instrument, a weapon that acts as her primary means of attacking..."

Which is it, "the" or "a" divine instrument?

[Polo]

Sorry, what I mean is, while Orochi does return to once again shroud the land in darkness, it's not obvious from that sentence that that's what he was doing before he was defeated, but it should be, because that's was he was doing, so the sentence needs to be fixed.

Establish his past deeds more clearly? Okay, how 'bout something like: "All is peaceful in the country of Nippon after the sealing of Orochi, a fearsome demon that shrouded the land in darkness. When he returns a century later, the tree spirit Sakuya, in desperation, summons..."

Try! I'm curious.

All right, lemme see...

In Ocarina of Time, for instance, I would say Navi is the one THAT accompanies Link. Her importance is pretty simple in that she offers exposition and clues to the main character, but otherwise keeps a low profile. If it were Saria instead, I would say either THAT or WHO - the former indicating she's secondary/a partner, and the latter hinting at her equality in relation to Link (they're both Hylians and childhood friends, not a loud bug tagging along with a pointy-eared "human"). To me, it appears that Issun acts in a similar manner to Amaterasu. He has a use in the game, but he's not front and center and multidimensional at the same time. Then again, pretty much any character, major or minor, could be referred to using THAT or WHO (if it's not a stretch to say they're "alive" in some way).

I think in the end I just automatically go with "that" unless the individual in question has a key, humanlike importance that can't be outright ignored, and using THAT in place of WHO would diminish said importance negatively. (Is any of this making sense?)

Replace one of those "using"s with "with" and I'm good.

"With the tip of her tail," then.

Which is it, "the" or "a" divine instrument?

Nonamer put "the" initially, but there's more than one, so "a" makes more sense (unless you want it to read "one of several Divine Instruments" or something).

[Dafydd]

Establish his past deeds more clearly? Okay, how 'bout something like: "All is peaceful in the country of Nippon after the sealing of Orochi, a fearsome demon that shrouded the land in darkness. When he returns a century later, the tree spirit Sakuya, in desperation, summons..."

'Sealing', eh? How about 'banishment'?

(Is any of this making sense?)

I think so, yeah. Saying 'that' rather than 'who' indicates emotional distance to the person in question, making them seem less human and more like objects. 'Which' is still more distant and objectifying to my ears. We can do 'that' instead of 'who', based on your rationale. Thanks for explaining.

By the way, since I thought Issun was a human being before you described him as "an excitable bug", I thought you meant 'bug' as in definitions 5, 6, or 7 given here. So maybe "an excitable little bug that"?

"one of several Divine Instruments" or something).

I think that works better, yes.

[Polo]

'Sealing', eh? How about 'banishment'?

That helps the sentence better than "sealing," sure.

By the way, since I thought Issun was a human being before you described him as "an excitable bug", I thought you meant 'bug' as in definitions 5, 6, or 7 given here. So maybe "an excitable little bug that"?

Ha ha. No harm in adding "little" in there.

Revised:

All is peaceful in the country of Nippon after the banishment of Orochi, a fearsome demon that shrouded the land in darkness. When he returns a century later, the tree spirit Sakuya, in desperation, summons the great Sun Goddess Ōkami Amaterasu to return light and peace to the world. Appearing as a white wolf to ordinary people, Amaterasu's red markings appear only to those who have strong faith in the gods. She is accompanied by a wandering artist named Issun, an excitable little bug that acts as a source of exposition for the silent goddess (whom he calls "Ammy").

Amaterasu manipulates the world around her using a tool called the Celestial Brush. With the tip of her tail, she paints shapes and strokes that become real objects to help solve puzzles and advance. She also carries on her back one of several Divine Instruments, weapons that act as her primary means of attacking.

Throughout her adventures, Amaterasu meets other Celestial Brush gods like herself and learns unique abilities from them. As word of her benevolent deeds spreads, more people offer praise to her, which enhances her divine powers. Backed by faith, companions, and her own steadfast determination, Amaterasu sets out to save Nippon from evil.

[Dafydd]

The two first sentences lack flow. We got the facts straight this time, but I liked it better the way it was before. Maybe just

All is peaceful in the country of Nippon until Orochi, a fearsome demon defeated many years ago, returns to shroud the land in darkness once more.

would do the trick. I know I didn't think so two posts ago, but there it is. Another suggestion is

When the land of Nippon is once again shrouded in darkness brought upon by the return of the fearsome demon Orochi

which I like better, and sticks closer to the original wording, which was pretty neat. Edited October 5, 2013 by Dafydd

[Polo]

I prefer the first because it provides better pacing. Compare:

All is peaceful in the country of Nippon until Orochi, a fearsome demon defeated many years ago, returns to shroud the land in darkness once more. In desperation, the tree spirit Sakuya summons the great Sun Goddess Ōkami Amaterasu to return light and peace to the world.

If we go with the one closer to the original wording, the first sentence becomes LONG:

When the land of Nippon is once again shrouded in darkness brought upon by the return of the fearsome demon Orochi, the tree spirit Sakuya, in desperation, summons the great Sun Goddess Ōkami Amaterasu to return light and peace to the world.

Now we have three names and three objectives with little breathing room. Are you able to read that in one sitting?