OCR Mascot Bios - 20 more up for grabs!

[BorgMan]

I'm in for Dark Samus! Possibly as well for Tanooki Mario, but I'm going to let him slide until I'm done with Dark Samus

[EDIT] .. that is, after I find a way to access the Wiki. My OCR account isn't registered there? On a side note, I didn't find a "join" option either :/

Edited December 29, 2014 by BorgMan

[Liontamer]

I'm in for Dark Samus! Possibly as well for Tanooki Mario, but I'm going to let him slide until I'm done with Dark Samus

[EDIT] .. that is, after I find a way to access the Wiki. My OCR account isn't registered there? On a side note, I didn't find a "join" option either :/

There is no join option. You write the bio in this thread and it goes through the edit process with Polo, Dafydd & the community. Oftentimes, there's back and forth involved to make sure everything's correct in terms of spelling, grammar and style (e.g. not overusing words, making things clear, not being needlessly detailed, no major spoilers, etc.). Once the bio's in its final form, then Polo will wikify it.

Take a first stab at a bio in this thread and then the editing team will scrutinize it.

[Polo]

Shantae

"Why would anyone want to wear warm clothes?"

== Bio ==

In Sequin Land, Genies have been known to guard human populations from monsters and other dangers. Half-Genie Shantae upholds this sense of loyalty by keeping a vigil over the fishing settlement of Scuttle Town. When the pirate Risky Boots launches a raid on the port and steals a dangerous relic, Shantae sets out after her in an effort to save all of Sequin Land from the pirate's machinations.

Shantae's Arabian design reflects an arsenal of flashy abilities. Whipping her ponytail is her main tactic for dispatching enemies, but she can equip specific gear that enables her to deliver kicks and elbow dashes as well. She may even find and use pirates' weapons like swords and guns. Given her outfit, Shantae has a penchant for belly dancing, and by learning specific dance moves, she can magically teleport to a place she's already visited or shapeshift into an animal. These transformations include a monkey, elephant, mermaid, harpy, and more, each different in terms of mobility, strength, and how they solve puzzles and clear obstacles.

Because she's not a full Genie, Shantae sometimes lacks confidence in her powers. She relies on her friends from Scuttle Town the most for support and guidance as she races Risky Boots for magical artifacts critical to halting her plans. No matter the trials, Shantae takes as much as she can in stride as she learns what it means to be a half-Genie and a protectress.

== References ==

Shantae Wiki - "Shantae"

Shantae instruction manual

TV Tropes - "Video Game: Shantae"

Fist Full of Potions - "Interview: Matt Bozon of WayForward by Jason"

[BorgMan]

So, first shot! Any good?

Dark Samus

Image already in place, no image uploaded

Protector of good, heroine to the light, beacon of hope… Dark Samus is none of those. The complete opposite to famed bounty hunter Samus Aran, Dark Samus is despair taken form. This Phazon based creature has only a basic instinct that drives her every move: find, absorb and spread Phazon. Anything that tries to get between her and this instinct, dies.

When the Space Pirates first encounter her on the planet Aether in Metroid Prime 2, they describe her as “The Dark Hunter”. At first thinking they were yet again dealing with Samus Aran, the dark, organic suit and menacing behavior didn’t match with their earlier dealings with the bounty hunter. After witnessing a skirmish between Samus and Dark Samus, they were hoping they could use this powerful creature to get rid of Aran. This proved idle hope: Dark Samus makes no allies, and couldn’t care less. While she does harbor a sense of hatred toward the bounty hunter, she won’t take orders and will try to dispatch of Samus Aran when it suits her best. In Metroid Prime 3 however, she seems to have come to the realization that Samus Aran is a bigger problem than anticipated. After finding a way to control Phaaze, the planet where all Phazon comes from, she dives head-on into her most grand scheme yet: total domination of the universe. To this end, she subjugates the entire Space Pirate race into working for her.

Created when the Metroid Prime entity snatched away Samus Aran’s Phazon Suit and a bit of her DNA, Dark Samus has a Power Suit-like appearance, including a blaster on the right arm. Her Phazon-based nature allows her to absorb and use this mutagenic substance to her own advantage. Her control over it grows substantially over the course of the Metroid Prime series, even being able to subjugate those infected with Phazon into complete obedience. Perhaps her most formidable ability is the fact that she is able to disperse herself into a Phazon particle cloud which can reassemble at will, making her a very difficult to kill.

Sources:

Wikitroid entry on Dark Samus

MetroidWiki Prime 2 Screenshots

[Polo]

Not a bad start, BorgMan. I like how you focus on Dark Samus's motives and how other characters react to her. First, some major notes:

- I recommend fitting the 3rd paragraph into the 1st. By describing Dark Samus's appearance early, you finish the dichotomy between her and Samus Aran and it better explains why the Space Pirates mistake her for their real antagonist. More importantly, doing so will hopefully force you to keep repeated words/ideas to a minimum, which applies throughout the bio - they dilute the power of the narrative and can be cut or changed for brevity. Take a look:

- "Phazon-based" appears in paragraphs 1 and 3

- "first encounter" and "At first thinking" early in the 2nd paragraph

- "yet again dealing with Samus Aran [...] earlier dealings with the bounty hunter" (same sentence; also, saying "bounty hunter" so soon after "Samus Aran" when you already say "bounty hunter Samus Aran" in the 1st paragraph is a bit much)

- "they were hoping" and "proved idle hope" is a similar case, but it could still work because it's elaborating on the kind of "hope" the Space Pirates had. If you want, you can change "they were hoping" to "they hoped" to stick to the past tense.

- The idea of subjugating others is in paragraphs 2 and 3 - you can introduce Dark Samus's ability to do so before mentioning that's what she does to the Space Pirates instead of vice versa.

- We don't discount sources that give overviews of the games a mascot appears in, but the one with Metroid Prime 2 screenshots is a little too unfocused on Dark Samus. It needs to be clearer/easier to read and interpret. There is the Dark Samus article on the Metroid Wiki which, despite having much of the same info as your first source, includes other material like concept art and Scan Visor readings, if you want to use that instead.

Other nitpicks:

- "The complete opposite to" --> I'd prefer "of" instead of "to" here.

- "despair taken form" --> Just curious - do any of the Prime games actually call Dark Samus that? Given her need to take any Phazon in sight, it seems better to say "greed" or "lust for power" or "chaos" or similar rather than something that, to me at least, conjures up imagery of one sitting dejectedly with their head in both hands.

- “The Dark Hunter”. --> The period belongs inside the "quote marks."

- "yet again dealing with Samus Aran" --> cut "yet"

- "and couldn’t care less" --> Try changing this to "and takes no orders" (and cut the comma right before) while removing the order-taking bit from the next sentence to fully explain that Dark Samus doesn't work for the Space Pirates. This also means you'll have to slightly restructure the next sentence (e.g. don't start with "While").

- "try to dispatch of Samus Aran when it suits her best" --> cut "of" and "best" (or move "best" before "suits her")

- "In Metroid Prime 3 however" --> No need for the word "however" if Dark Samus fails to get rid of Samus more than once in MP2 (seems like a natural leap more than a contradictory analysis).

- "blaster on the right arm" --> "blaster on her right arm"

- "formidable ability is the fact that she is able to disperse herself into" --> "formidable ability is the power to disperse into"

- "making her a very difficult to kill" --> "making her difficult to kill" (you won't lose anything with the absence of "very")

Basically, keep your ideas fresh through succinct, non-repeating language, and play around with the order to see how it affects the flow and delivery.

[BorgMan]

Thanks Polo! Here's the redacted piece

Protector of good, heroine to the light, beacon of hope… Dark Samus is none of those. The complete opposite of famed bounty hunter Samus Aran, she has only one basic instinct that drives her every move: find, absorb and spread Phazon. Anything that tries to get between her and this instinct, dies. Created when the Phazon enhanced Metroid Prime entity snatched away Samus Aran’s Phazon Suit and a bit of her DNA, Dark Samus has a Power Suit-like appearance, including a blaster on her right arm. Her Phazon-based nature allows her to absorb and use this mutagenic substance to her own advantage. Her control over it grows substantially over the course of the Metroid Prime series, even being able to subjugate those infected with Phazon into complete obedience. Lastly, she is able to disperse herself into a Phazon particle cloud which can reassemble at will, making her difficult to kill.

When the Space Pirates first encounter her on the planet Aether in Metroid Prime 2, their logs describe her as “The Dark Hunter.” Thinking they were yet again dealing with Samus Aran, the dark, organic suit and menacing behavior didn’t match with their earlier dealings with Samus. After witnessing a skirmish between Samus and Dark Samus and realising that the two were not only two seperate beings but enemies as well, the pirates hoped to use this powerful creature to get rid of their sworn enemy. This proved idle hope: Dark Samus makes no allies, and takes orders from no one. While she does harbor a sense of hatred toward the bounty hunter, she will try to dispatch of Samus Aran when it suits her.

In Metroid Prime 3, Dark Samus seems to have come to the realization that Samus Aran is a bigger problem than anticipated. After locating and finding a way to control Phaaze, the planet where all Phazon comes from, she dives head-on into her most grand scheme yet: total domination of the universe. To this end, she brainwashes the entire Space Pirate race into working for her, proving ever more her formidable powers.

[Polo]

You're getting better. The way you fleshed out some of the sentences in the 2nd paragraph in particular is a neat improvement. Some more feedback for Dark Samus:

- "find, absorb and spread Phazon. Anything that tries to get between her and this instinct, dies" --> Add a comma after "absorb" and cut the comma after "instinct" for better flow. Also, I know you describe Phazon as a "mutagenic substance" later on, but I think that brief description would better fit at this early point to assist those who never played a Prime game. So you can say "spread the mutagenic substance Phazon" here, then the later sentence can work as simply "this substance" or similar.

- Thanks for moving Dark Samus's origins/powers earlier in the bio. Not trying to go back on my own advice, but now it appears the 1st paragraph can instead be two. The first three sentences seem to benefit from their proximity to each other and their shared poetic vibe, so the next paragraph can start with "Created when..."

- "Phazon enhanced Metroid Prime" --> You can cut "Phazon enhanced" because it's too close to the next mention of Phazon, and the Suit snatching is what counts.

- "Samus Aran’s Phazon Suit" --> No need for Samus's last name here so soon after you say her full name.

- "those infected with Phazon" --> Just so you don't repeat the same word so often in such a short space, try changing "Phazon" to "the toxic material" or something.

- "Lastly, she is able to" --> To me, "Lastly" implies that's the end of her powers. You can leave it more open-ended by saying "She is also able to..."

- "disperse herself into" --> Still feels weird with the word "herself" in there, IMO.

- Like I said, be careful with repetition. You now have "dealings with Samus" after "dealing with Samus Aran." Saying "earlier experiences" or "earlier encounters" to end the sentence is simple and clear enough.

- "seperate" --> separate

- When I gave my note about how to reword "try to dispatch of Samus Aran when it suits her best," I meant your either/or choice was what to do with the word "best" (which you already did, good). I did want you to remove "of" from "dispatch of Samus Aran" as well (sorry if I wasn't clear).

- The final paragraph feels unnecessary now because it rehashes ideas brought up earlier - you already say Dark Samus's strength grows over the Prime series, she can control others, and she has a rivalry with Samus. I think those details are strong enough, and the bio can end on the note that Dark Samus aims to kill the original on her own terms.

[timaeus222]

Watch your word meanings too. You can't disperse into anything. Dispersion is a spreading, i.e. outwards. Also, yeah, you only need to mention full names once, and try not to repeat so much.

[BorgMan]

Ah, the commas. In Dutch, commas are considered to couple sentences, as does the 'and'. As such, placing a comma followed by 'and' is frowned upon. I forgot that English doesn't really care about that Thanks guys!

Protector of good, heroine to the light, beacon of hope… Dark Samus is none of those. The complete opposite of famed bounty hunter Samus Aran, she has only one basic instinct that drives her every move: find, absorb, and spread the mutagenic material known as Phazon. Anything that tries to get between her and this instinct, dies.

When the Phazon-mutated Metroid Prime entity snatched away Samus’ Phazon Suit upgrade and a bit of her DNA after a climatic battle in the depths of the planet Tallon IV, it used these as a template to create the being now known as Dark Samus. Because of this, she has a Power Suit-like appearance, including a blaster on her right arm. As she was almost litteraly born out of Phazon, she can absorb and use this mutagenic substance to her own advantage. Her control over it grows substantially over the course of the Metroid Prime series, to the point of being able to subjugate those infected with Phazon into complete obedience. Interestingly, this doesn't stop at a single or a few organisms, proven by the fact that the whole Space Pirate species and three bounty hunters are under her control at some point. She is also able to dissolve herself into a Phazon particle cloud which can reassemble at will, making her difficult to kill.

When the Space Pirates first encounter her on the planet Aether in Metroid Prime 2, their logs describe her as “The Dark Hunter.” Thinking they were yet again dealing with Samus, the dark, organic suit and menacing behavior didn’t match their earlier encounters with Samus. After witnessing a skirmish between the two Samusses and realising that the two were not only two separate beings but enemies as well, the pirates hoped to use this powerful creature to get rid of their sworn nemesis. This proved idle hope: Dark Samus makes no allies, and takes orders from no one. While she does harbor a sense of hatred toward the bounty hunter, she will try to dispatch Samus when it suits her.

In Metroid Prime 3, Dark Samus locates and finds a way to control Phaaze, the planet where all Phazon comes from. This results in her most grand scheme yet: total domination of the universe. In the end, she was stopped when Samus Aran travelled to Phaaze and destroyed both Dark Samus and the planet itself, by means of a Phazon powered 'Hyper Mode'. However, once she gets there, Samus will be in a permanent Hyper Mode due to Phaaze's atmosphere. If she doesn't manage to offload Phazon there (or accumulates too much Phazon anywhere during the game), Samus will succomb to her infection and turn into a new Dark Samus.

[Liontamer]

Anything that tries to get between her and this instinct, dies.

I could be wrong, but I don't believe the comma is necessary here. Polo, co-sign or link to grammar rule on a comma use like this?

[Polo]

In Dutch, commas are considered to couple sentences, as does the 'and'. As such, placing a comma followed by 'and' is frowned upon.

Interesting. We might need a rule for bio writers to tell us their nationality/mother language so that, when we give feedback based on American English rules, we can be mindful of those in foreign languages. (Dafydd, are you reading this?)

Now, I know I give a lot of notes, BorgMan, but I can't tell if those you don't use are ones you missed or ones you disagree with. So I'll try to be clearer...

cut the comma after "instinct" for better flow.

Like Larry says, the comma isn't necessary. A complete sentence needs a subject and a predicate/verb, which you already have. Here's the same sentence's main ideas conveyed in fewer words:

"Anything that tries to get between her and this instinct" = "Dark Samus's enemies" = subject

"dies"/"die" = predicate/verb

This becomes:

"Dark Samus's enemies die." (Clear enough.)

"Dark Samus's enemies, die." (Unnecessary holdup, plus it sounds like a command.)

So: delete that comma.

Also, I recommend you replace "dies" with "has to face her wrath" or "is in for trouble" or something, because Samus avoids death after each encounter.

- "Phazon-mutated Metroid Prime" --> In a previous note, I meant change this to simply "Metroid Prime" - I'm not trying to rewrite history (I beat Metroid Prime, so I know what happens), I just want you to cut down on the number of times you say "Phazon." It can be a delicate process, so bear with me.

- "Samus’ Phazon Suit" --> Samus's (add an S to make the possessive form complete)

- "climatic" --> "climactic"

- "litteraly" --> "literally"

- Either cut the 2nd instance of "mutagenic" (2nd paragraph) or replace it with something else for the sake of variety ("toxic," "radioactive," whatever).

- "to the point of being able to subjugate" --> "to the point where she can subjugate"

- "Interestingly, this doesn't stop at a single or a few organisms, proven by the fact that the whole Space Pirate species and three bounty hunters are under her control at some point." --> I personally don't think you need this sentence because saying exactly who's under Dark Samus's control "at some point" feels arbitrary and spoiler-ish.

- "She is also able to dissolve herself into" --> If you insist on keeping "herself" in there, then change this chunk to "She is also able to make herself dissolve into"

- "Samusses" --> "Samuses" (cut one S)

- "two separate beings" --> "separate beings" (because you say "two" just 4 words before)

- "Dark Samus makes no allies, and takes orders from no one" --> delete the comma in this clause (this too is a complete thought without a comma getting in the way)

The final paragraph feels unnecessary now because it rehashes ideas brought up earlier

I still feel the last paragraph needs to go. Here's why: 1) the sentence starting with "In the end" basically spoils the ending of Metroid Prime 3, and we want to avoid spoilers whenever possible; 2) the focus turns into Samus's story more than Dark Samus's; and 3) you already say earlier that Dark Samus's control over Phazon grows over the series. I know her story doesn't end with Metroid Prime 2, but what you have in the first three paragraphs means you don't need a 4th.

Finally, why so many story detail elaborations in general? Is it because of the "neat improvement" I praised last time? Understand that these bios are meant to be introductions to the mascots, giving readers just enough info about their origins and abilities and such so that they would want to check out the reference links you provide. Don't try to fit too much into your bio.

And if you disagree with any of my points, please elaborate so I can better understand what you're going for (and so I don't assume you skipped over something).

[Dafydd]

Sorry I haven't been around!

In Sequin Land, Genies have been known to guard human populations from monsters and other dangers.

... since the beginning of time. Assuming that's correct, of course. Or is it more like... "on occasion"? The sentence would feel more complete with some temporal... detail there at the end.

Half-Genie

... I was going to pull a joke, but it's likely to be a very, very old one. Moving along...

Shantae's Arabian design reflects an arsenal of flashy abilities.

Nice!

Given her outfit, Shantae has a penchant for belly dancing

This feels backwards somehow, as if she likes belly dancing because of her outfit, not that she's likely to like belly dancing judging by her outfit. How about "As her outfit suggests" or similar?

she can [...] shapeshift into an animal. These transformations include a monkey, elephant, mermaid, harpy

Technically, some of these aren't animals.

She relies on her friends from Scuttle Town the most for support and guidance

"and not so much on her friends from Shipwreck Town"? "and not so much for fun and games"? I'm having a little trouble working out the significance of "the most" here, but I may simply be unfamiliar with the expression

Other than these very minor nitpicks, nice work! It's odd, I have this feeling that you've written about Shantae before at some point.

I'll have to get back to Dark Samus tomorrow (it'll take a moment to read through the edits), but

We might need a rule for bio writers to tell us their nationality/mother language so that, when we give feedback based on American English rules, we can be mindful of those in foreign languages.

Need... well. It could be useful and interesting, sure, but I wouldn't want to force people to tell us if they don't want to. I would feel friendlier asking about it when and if it feels necessary to resolve a disagreement. But yeah, you can learn a lot about a foreign language just by observing or listening to a native writing or speaking a non-native language, case in point, a Dutchman writing in English. By the way, the rule is similar in Swedish: A comma never precedes 'and' if you're listing things, however it may well do so if the 'and' is the first sentence of a clause. I can't help but be reminded of this wonderful little piece of English genius:

"What is the difference between a cat and a comma? One has claws at the end of its paws; the other is a pause at the end of a clause."

I was under the impression that if you're listing more than 2 things in English (i.e. "A, B, and C") the comma before 'and' is mandatory. I can't argue for either convention, but I do want the mascot bios to be correct in terms of spelling, grammar, and all that jazz. But didn't we allow a bio to be written in British English at some point? I seem to remember discussing it, at least.

By the way, I noticed the page for Ludwig von Koopa lists "Super Mario Wario" as an appearance. Pretty sure that should be "Super Mario World", but maybe someone knows something I don't?

Edited January 14, 2015 by Dafydd

[Polo]

Welcome back, Dafydd!

... since the beginning of time. Assuming that's correct, of course. Or is it more like... "on occasion"? The sentence would feel more complete with some temporal... detail there at the end.

I can put "many years ago" or "ages ago" at the end of that sentence. Do you think this would warrant "Presently" or similar at the start of the next sentence?

This feels backwards somehow, as if she likes belly dancing because of her outfit, not that she's likely to like belly dancing judging by her outfit. How about "As her outfit suggests" or similar?

Ah, I see how that can seem backwards. Sure, "As her outfit suggests" makes it clearer.

Technically, some of these aren't animals.

True. How about "shapeshift into different creatures" instead?

"and not so much on her friends from Shipwreck Town"? "and not so much for fun and games"? I'm having a little trouble working out the significance of "the most" here, but I may simply be unfamiliar with the expression

The idea is that, out of all her allies, the ones from Scuttle Town are the best/most consistent at boosting her spirits. Maybe one of the following would get the idea across better?:

"She often relies on her friends from Scuttle Town for support and guidance"

"She relies on her friends from Scuttle Town for maximum support and guidance"

I have this feeling that you've written about Shantae before at some point.

Maybe you're thinking of Bayonetta or some other chick. I've done a lot.

I wouldn't want to force people to tell us if they don't want to. I would feel friendlier asking about it when and if it feels necessary to resolve a disagreement

Okay, no problem.

"What is the difference between a cat and a comma? One has claws at the end of its paws; the other is a pause at the end of a clause."

Wow, that is genius.

I was under the impression that if you're listing more than 2 things in English (i.e. "A, B, and C") the comma before 'and' is mandatory.

It's normally by choice whether someone wants to put a comma after the 2nd-to-last item in a list (as long as they stay consistent), but it helps to have it there for better flow/readability.

didn't we allow a bio to be written in British English at some point? I seem to remember discussing it, at least.

Yeah, British English is fine for those who write "realises" and "colour" and other such spellings. Also, I think comma rules in lists are independent of whether the person uses British or American English.

By the way, I noticed the page for Ludwig von Koopa lists "Super Mario Wario" as an appearance. Pretty sure that should be "Super Mario World", but maybe someone knows something I don't?

You can blame Larry for that. Anyway, fixed.

[Liontamer]

By the way, I noticed the page for Ludwig von Koopa lists "Super Mario Wario" as an appearance. Pretty sure that should be "Super Mario World", but maybe someone knows something I don't?

Super Mario Wario'll be out for New 3DS in no time!

Might as well feel free to do callouts for the two front runners in the new mascot voting, Banjo & Kazooie and Knuckles (see what I did there?).

[Dafydd]

I can put "many years ago" or "ages ago" at the end of that sentence. Do you think this would warrant "Presently" or similar at the start of the next sentence?

Hmm. Well, at what point have Genies (why is it capitalized, anyway?) done this? Historically, but not recently (except for Shantae, presently); from time to time, for as long as anyone can remember... It sounds from your suggested change that it's been a while since it happened last time (except for right now, thanks to Shantae). I'd like to avoid an extraneous "presently" if I can, but I'm not completely sure why.

Ah, I see how that can seem backwards. Sure, "As her outfit suggests" makes it clearer.

On second thought, maybe do "As one might guess from her outfit" if you want to sound more casual.

True. How about "shapeshift into different creatures" instead?

Creatures works. By the way, how do you think replacing "different" with "various" changes the feel of the sentence? Does either word imply anything about the number of possible creatures to shapeshift into? Does "various" put less emphasis on the fact that these creatures have distinct and unique abilities?

The idea is that, out of all her allies, the ones from Scuttle Town are the best/most consistent at boosting her spirits. Maybe one of the following would get the idea across better?:

"She often relies on her friends from Scuttle Town for support and guidance"

"She relies on her friends from Scuttle Town for maximum support and guidance"

You never mention any other friends from anywhere else, or indeed any other place (other than Sequin Land, of which Scuttle Town is one part), so I think that's why I have trouble figuring out what "the most" modifies - who she relies on the most, or what she relies on them the most for. The second suggestion (or, rather, the word "maximum") sounds cold and technical for something that describes interpersonal relationships, so I'd go with the first one.

Might as well feel free to do callouts for the two front runners in the new mascot voting

Ok, I'll put them in the first post.

Banjo & Kazooie and Knuckles (see what I did there?).

Omg, you wrote "and" without a preceding comma, AND you said "two" but then mentioned 3 mascots!

Anything that tries to get between her and this instinct, dies.

Ah, the commas. In Dutch, commas are considered to couple sentences, as does the 'and'.

As LT and Polo have already pointed out, the comma needs to go; "dies" isn't a sentence. I do think it comes natural to pause very briefly before saying the last word there, though, so the comma feels less out of place than it should. I also can't think of a punctuation mark that would fit the bill - an ellipsis would indicate a much longer pause.

Created when the Phazon enhanced Metroid Prime entity snatched away Samus Aran’s Phazon Suit and a bit of her DNA, Dark Samus has a Power Suit-like appearance, including a blaster on her right arm.

This is just the first of many spoilers in this bio. I played Metroid Prime until I beat the (iirc) Phazon Elite, which was supposed to get me the "Artifact of Warrior", but due to a bug, I never got the artifact and so my game was lost. I'd have to start the game all over from the beginning again, and I didn't really like it that much, so I never did. Sooo... I didn't know about the whole "Phazon enhanced Metroid Prime entity" that "snatched away Samus Aran’s Phazon Suit and a bit of her DNA" at the end of the game, because I never got that far. I suppose it's considered common knowledge these days, but this whole character is a problem, spoiler-wise: It's impossible to talk about her at all without revealing something. This isn't your fault, obviously, but I wonder how far we can go to keep spoilers to a minimum without getting ridiculous. For instance, do we need to reveal her origins? The second and third paragraphs deal with the second and third game in the series. I guess there's little to tell if you can't mention anything from Metroid Prime 2, but is the third game really necessary to bring up?

In other news:

"They killed my father right in front of me. I will have my revenge."

Pictured from: Sonic & All-Stars Racing Transformed

Edited January 18, 2015 by Dafydd

[Magnum Octopus]

It's normally by choice whether someone wants to put a comma after the 2nd-to-last item in a list (as long as they stay consistent), but it helps to have it there for better flow/readability.

This is correct. It's called an Oxford comma. In a few cases, adding the comma after the 2nd-to-last item can make it clearer, but in other cases, the extra comma doesn't help at all, or even confuses things further. My personal preference is only using it when totally necessary. In any case, it's not needed here as far as I can tell.

Banjo & Kazooie and Knuckles (see what I did there?)

it was a reference to this meme if anyone missed it.

This is probably relevant.

Anyway, back on topic, I'd be interested in doing the bio for Layton, but I've only beaten the first game. I'd assume these bios aren't too spoiler-heavy, but you might want someone with a bit more knowledge of the series or at least willing to spoil the other games for themselves.

The bio for Knuckles should just be a link to the lyrics page of Bronx Rican's "Unknown from M.C". I'm sure I can get people to agree with me on this.

Edited January 18, 2015 by Magnum Octopus

[Dafydd]

it was a reference to this meme if anyone missed it.

I did, thanks!

Good lord. I'm getting too old for this

Anyway, back on topic, I'd be interested in doing the bio for Layton, but I've only beaten the first game. I'd assume these bios aren't too spoiler-heavy, but you might want someone with a bit more knowledge of the series or at least willing to spoil the other games for themselves.

Nah, give it a try!

The bio for Knuckles should just be a link to the lyrics page of Bronx Rican's "Unknown from M.C". I'm sure I can get people to agree with me on this.

Tempting, I'll admit...

[Polo]

at what point have Genies (why is it capitalized, anyway?) done this? Historically, but not recently (except for Shantae, presently); from time to time, for as long as anyone can remember... It sounds from your suggested change that it's been a while since it happened last time (except for right now, thanks to Shantae).

It's one of those backstories that goes "once there were many, but now there are few/none." From the first game's instruction manual:

Have you ever heard of Sequin Land? It was once a magical place, protected from monsters and mishaps by beautiful Guardian Genies. During long years of peace, many of the Genies fell in love with mortal men and half-Genies were born.

Sadly, as the ages passed large numbers of the original Genies began to disappear, until one day there were no more. Some folks imagined that they had been captured inside bottles, while others believed that the Genies had returned to their own realm.

Without the protection of the Guardian Genies, the daughters of the Genies with their limited magical powers made a decision to stand against evil on their own. Though they were few and far between, these half-Genies traveled the world, each choosing a kingdom to guard until peace could be won again.

With that in mind, here's a possible revision of part of the 1st paragraph:

"In Sequin Land, Genies have guarded human populations from monsters and other dangers for ages. Their numbers have dwindled over time; however, the code of loyalty they've been known to live by is upheld by their half-Genie descendants. One of these is Shantae, who earns her keep by watching over the fishing settlement of Scuttle Town..."

And to clarify: yes, Shantae is the only half-Genie who tries to save all of Sequin Land, never mind what the other half-Genies that we never see (until the 4th upcoming game, maybe) are up to. (You can meet/save full Genies in the games, so they're not all "gone" per se.) Also, I think the word is capitalized because they're a type unique to Shantae's world: Genies and half-Genies are female, and wish-granting conventions are a bit looser than the "three wishes" rule we normally think of. Also, belly dancing.

On second thought, maybe do "As one might guess from her outfit" if you want to sound more casual.

Even better. I'll go with that.

Creatures works. By the way, how do you think replacing "different" with "various" changes the feel of the sentence? Does either word imply anything about the number of possible creatures to shapeshift into? Does "various" put less emphasis on the fact that these creatures have distinct and unique abilities?

"Various" opens up Shantae's shapeshifting options considerably, whereas "different" keeps those options down to a limited number, with an emphasis on comparing/contrasting the different forms' abilities/uses. Either could work, although "various" doesn't necessarily de-emphasize the creatures' abilities because in the next sentence I note 4 transformations plus "and more," thereby expanding on the idea of "many options to choose from." Going over the abilities afterward doesn't feel hindered or afterthought-y, but rather "here's why they matter and how they're special..."

So yeah, I'm cool with using "various."

The second suggestion (or, rather, the word "maximum") sounds cold and technical for something that describes interpersonal relationships, so I'd go with the first one.

"She often relies..." Okay.

I wonder how far we can go to keep spoilers to a minimum without getting ridiculous. For instance, do we need to reveal her origins? The second and third paragraphs deal with the second and third game in the series. I guess there's little to tell if you can't mention anything from Metroid Prime 2, but is the third game really necessary to bring up?

Maybe we can mark off which details are necessary for BorgMan to work with. For example:

- Dark Samus uses the substance Phazon = needed because it's part of her core abilities

- Conditions/fallout of 1st game's last battle = spoilers

- Dark Samus contains some of Samus's DNA = helps explain her appearance

- How Dark Samus got that DNA = probably should be hinted at via "During Samus's adventures..." or something that doesn't explicitly detail the end of the first game

- Metroid Prime 3 = goes beyond a simple introduction to the character; an overview of her abilities would work better in one section rather than spread out

In other news:

"They killed my father right in front of me. I will have my revenge."

Pictured from: Sonic & All-Stars Racing Transformed

Larry must've meant Sonic & Sega All-Stars Racing (not Transformed). Fixed. The quote is already accurate (or do you think it needs any punctuation adjustments?).

I'd be interested in doing the bio for Layton, but I've only beaten the first game. I'd assume these bios aren't too spoiler-heavy, but you might want someone with a bit more knowledge of the series or at least willing to spoil the other games for themselves.

To add to Dafydd's words, you don't have to be an expert on a mascot to write about them. Most of my bios are on characters whose games I've never played. It's simply a matter of piecing together the relevant basics gathered from instruction manuals, wikis, etc.

The bio for Knuckles should just be a link to the lyrics page of Bronx Rican's "Unknown from M.C". I'm sure I can get people to agree with me on this.

But there's a chorus in that mix. We don't want repetition in these bios.

Edited January 18, 2015 by Polo

[Liontamer]

Larry must've meant Sonic & Sega All-Stars Racing (not Transformed). Fixed. The quote is already accurate (or do you think it needs any punctuation adjustments?).

Thanks for the game correction for the pic. I think Dafydd's implying the quote is odd in the sense that maybe someone killed Ryo's father in the Sega All-Stars racing game series. But yes, the quote is accurate.

[Dafydd]

"In Sequin Land, Genies have guarded human populations from monsters and other dangers for ages. Their numbers have dwindled over time; however, the code of loyalty they've been known to live by is upheld by their half-Genie descendants. One of these is Shantae, who earns her keep by watching over the fishing settlement of Scuttle Town..."

This is perfectly clear, but I also liked the shorter, original version and how it got to the point so quickly. Clear or concise, there's the rub...

the word is capitalized because they're a type unique to Shantae's world

Okay, fair enough.

wish-granting conventions are a bit looser than the "three wishes" rule

Remember this joke I told you about, but never told? Yeah, we're getting close.

How Dark Samus got that DNA = probably should be hinted at via "During Samus's adventures..." or something that doesn't explicitly detail the end of the first game

Yeah, I like this.

To add to Dafydd's words, you don't have to be an expert on a mascot to write about them. Most of my bios are on characters whose games I've never played. It's simply a matter of piecing together the relevant basics gathered from instruction manuals, wikis, etc.

Personally, I've never felt comfortable writing bios for mascots I'm not somewhat familiar with already. I don't mean to imply there's anything wrong with the many bios you've written, but it helps to have experienced characters and their worlds first hand (i.e. played the games), I think. That said, from what I know of Layton, one game should be more than enough to have gathered a feel for a character, and since we expect to you to source your claims, you will need to do a bit of reading anyhow.

But there's a chorus in that mix. We don't want repetition in these bios.

Oh good, that settles it. Wouldn't be fair to the other 99% of mascots who won't get to present themselves in first person anyway, and I don't want a riot on my hands.

I think Dafydd's implying the quote is odd in the sense that maybe someone killed Ryo's father in the Sega All-Stars racing game series.

Right. Must have been a tough one for the ESRB...

Edited January 18, 2015 by Dafydd

[Polo]

Shantae take 2 (or Shantaek 2):

In Sequin Land, Genies have guarded human populations from monsters and other dangers for ages. Their numbers have dwindled over time; however, the code of loyalty they've been known to live by is upheld by their half-Genie descendants. One of these is Shantae, who earns her keep by watching over the fishing settlement of Scuttle Town. When the pirate Risky Boots launches a raid on the port and steals a dangerous relic, Shantae sets out after her in an effort to save all of Sequin Land from the pirate's machinations.

Shantae's Arabian design reflects an arsenal of flashy abilities. Whipping her ponytail is her main tactic for dispatching enemies, but she can equip specific gear that enables her to deliver kicks and elbow dashes as well. She may even find and use pirates' weapons like swords and guns. As one might guess from her outfit, Shantae has a penchant for belly dancing, and by learning specific dance moves, she can magically teleport to a place she's already visited or shapeshift into various creatures. These transformations include a monkey, elephant, mermaid, harpy, and more, each different in terms of mobility, strength, and how they solve puzzles and clear obstacles.

Because she's not a full Genie, Shantae sometimes lacks confidence in her powers. She often relies on her friends from Scuttle Town for support and guidance as she races Risky Boots for magical artifacts critical to halting her plans. No matter the trials, Shantae takes as much as she can in stride as she learns what it means to be a half-Genie and a protectress.

wish-granting conventions are a bit looser than the "three wishes" rule

Remember this joke I told you about, but never told? Yeah, we're getting close.

Ohhhhh, I see what you have the potential to do there.

[Dafydd]

These transformations include a monkey, elephant, mermaid, harpy, and more

Would it feel awkward to add an article to the last three creatures? It would feel repetitive, but when you leave it out, it sounds like all four are referring to the same, big, weird transformation. Maybe it's just me, though.

each different in terms of mobility, strength, and how they solve puzzles and clear obstacles.

This sounds to me a little like the creatures are solving puzzles for the player, automatically. How about "how they can solve" or even "how they can be used to solve"? Or, how about "mobility, strength, and abilities that they can use to solve puzzles and clear obstacles."? This still makes the creature the agent (?), but less directly so.

as she races Risky Boots for magical artifacts critical to halting her plans.

Maybe it's because Swedish has two different pronouns to help disambiguate whom the "her" in "her plans" refers to, but I think this sentence makes it sound slightly as if Shantae has the upper edge and that Risky Boots is trying to get to the artifacts first, to stop Shantae from halting Risky Boots' (s or no s after this apostrophe? It's a noun, but it's also a name. Mindsplode) plans, rather than, as I would assume the story actually goes, that Shantae is trying to get to the artifacts before Risky Boots finds them so that Shantae can stop Risky Boots' plans. I also think removing "halting" would fix this, assuming the artifacts are part of Risky Boots' plans, rather than part Shantae's plans to stop Risky Boots'. Possibly, "for magical artifacts critical to her plans of (to? for?) world domination" or similar (but don't write "world domination" ).

To clarify, my confusion is with whether the artifacts are critical chiefly to Shantae's plans to stop Risky Boots('), or chiefly to Risky Boots' plans.

Sorry if these last few edits are just silly, I'm a little tired.

Edited January 19, 2015 by Dafydd

[Polo]

Would it feel awkward to add an article to the last three creatures? It would feel repetitive, but when you leave it out, it sounds like all four are referring to the same, big, weird transformation.

"These transformations include a monkey, an elephant, a mermaid, a harpy, and more..." It's not too much.

This sounds to me a little like the creatures are solving puzzles for the player, automatically. How about "how they can solve" or even "how they can be used to solve"? Or, how about "mobility, strength, and abilities that they can use to solve puzzles and clear obstacles."? This still makes the creature the agent (?), but less directly so.

I can work with "how they can be used to solve" here.

To clarify, my confusion is with whether the artifacts are critical chiefly to Shantae's plans to stop Risky Boots('), or chiefly to Risky Boots' plans.

Sort of both, but more the latter. Risky Boots is searching for magical items that can power up another major item she has (Steam Engine or Magic Lamp) in order to become an unstoppable villain (control a steam-powered weapon or control Genies), so Shantae is trying to grab those items first and play keep away. I can try this: "...as she races Risky Boots for magical artifacts that the latter is after to further her own nefarious plans." That OK?

(s or no s after this apostrophe? It's a noun, but it's also a name. Mindsplode)

You're not alone in your confusion. I think you can go either way on this with no trouble (Risky Boots' or Risky Boots's).

Your nitpicks aren't unfounded, btw. I like to go for brevity whenever possible, but it doesn't hurt to add a few more words of clarity to get certain ideas across.

[DarkeSword]

It's Risky Boots's. Boots is her name and a proper noun.

[Liontamer]

It's Risky Boots's. Boots is her name and a proper noun.

Not necessarily. In some cases, it's a matter of preference, and some people don't do apostrophe-S at the end of proper nouns/names that sound like plural words.

http://www.grammarbook.com/punctuation/apostro.asp

Rule 1c. Some writers and editors add only an apostrophe to all nouns ending in s. And some add an apostrophe + s to every proper noun, be it Hastings's or Jones's.

One method, common in newspapers and magazines, is to add an apostrophe + s ('s) to common nouns ending in s, but only a stand-alone apostrophe to proper nouns ending in s.

Examples:

the class's hours

Mr. Jones' golf clubs

the canvas's size

Texas' weather

Care must be taken to place the apostrophe outside the word in question. For instance, if talking about a pen belonging to Mr. Hastings, many people would wrongly write Mr. Hasting's pen (his name is not Mr. Hasting).

Correct: Mr. Hastings' pen

Another widely used technique is to write the word as we would speak it. For example, since most people saying, "Mr. Hastings' pen" would not pronounce an added s, we would write Mr. Hastings' pen with no added s. But most people would pronounce an added s in "Jones's," so we'd write it as we say it: Mr. Jones's golf clubs. This method explains the punctuation of for goodness' sake.

If you'd verbally say "Risky Boots's boat", do apostrophe-S, but if you'd verbally say "Risky Boots' boat" without the extra syllable, then forgo the S after the apostrophe. In this case, I'd lean away from apostrophe-S because I wouldn't say it that way, but it's not a huge deal either way, and it could reasonably be said either way.