Performance Anxiety

[theshaggyfreak]

This is something I suffer from. My fear of playing an instrument and singing in front of people is great. Here's a copy of a blogpost going through how I felt about my first steps in conquering this fear. For those who have this problem as well, you're not alone.

***

I’ve been a musician for quite a long time. I started out when I was eight years old which is about 31 years ago. I’ve played in several bands but it has been a long time since I’ve done any sort of performing. I’ve always wanted to be able to play as a solo guy but the anxiety of doing so has always kept me from giving it a try. Playing and in instrument and singing (at the same time) in front of a group of people is actually one of my greatest fears. Last night I took the first step towards conquering that fear.

I’ve spent the past two or three months practicing with my ukelele and I taught myself a few songs that I liked. I practiced till I was satisfied enough to give an open mic night a try. I did my best to mentally prepare myself for what might happen. When I have an anxiety attack, my mind ends up going blank and my hands won’t do what I tell them to do. I almost end up doing a sort of stutter that I can’t get past.

I knew that there was a good chance that one of these anxiety attacks could happen. So, I put myself in a situation where I knew I would get support from my friends no matter what happened. I would play my first time out at my friend Rob’s open mic at Teavolve. I told myself that I wouldn’t count the experience as a failure no matter what happened. You can’t drown as long as you keep your head above the water.

The three songs I chose were as follows: Mad World by Tears for Fears, Grave Digger by Dave Mathews, and Mellow Yellow by Donavan. The first song was very rough but I made my way through it only stopping and starting a few times. The second song actually didn’t go to bad but I was feeling the pressure build up inside of me which led to a crash and burn during the final song. I got about half way through Mellow Yellow and my mind went blank. I made a little smile and said that I was done.

I didn’t get angry with myself. I didn’t chalk it up as a disaster. It was the very first step towards my ultimate goal and that’s a really big deal for me. I even learned a couple of things that will help me on my next try. First of all, I need to memorize the lyrics of the songs I’m going to sing. There’s just too much for my brain to deal with if I’m trying to play an instrument and read lines from a piece of paper. If I do need to have a cheat sheet of sorts, I must bring my own music stand. I ended up having to use a chair as a makeshift stand and that most certainly didn’t help.

Another thing that I learned is that I may need to pick some other songs that might work better for me. Grave Digger is definitely a keeper. I think I may even try to write something original. No one knows how a new original song is supposed to song like and I’ll probably feel a bit less stress about my performance. It may help me find my voice and make me more comfortable.

I have to say that my friends from ilyAIMY were very supportive. Even the the featured artist, Greg Klyma gave me a few words of encouragement. After I posted a short blurb on Twitter and Facebook about what transpired, many of my friends came forth to reassure me that I wasn’t alone. I’m a lucky man to have such a family of people which provide me with the extra strength I need to push forward. I want to publicly thank everyone who has been there for me through this including my wonderful wife, Kate.

Lastly, there’s pictures! Yes, I still took a lot of pictures last night as per usual. Playing the photographer is something that I find to be very soothing and it helped keep my emotions in check before and after my turn on stage. It’s a strange sort of security blanket but I think it’s a productive one.

***

Please feel free to share your experiences with this sort of thing. Talking about your fears and working through them can be quite cathartic or at least it is for me.

[Palpable]

I'm glad you're not calling it a failure. I've found the best way to get over anxiety is to just keep putting yourself in the situation that causes, starting easy and eventually doing tougher and tougher things.

I have this problem too to some degree, but mostly when I make mistakes. When I mess up, I tend to mess up pretty badly and find it hard to recover and I get wracked with anxiety. When I've done performances for OCR and other shows, I practice a TON to avoid that scenario. The first time I played guitar for an OCR panel, which was my first public performance, I literally couldn't remember the experience afterward. Since it was my first time playing, my anxiety was so high that I probably repressed the experience, but I had practiced so much that I autopiloted my way through. (I think there's a psychological term for that.) By contrast, I played one time at Jamspace on the spot and effed up royally. Wanted to jump out a window.

[kitty]

I'm glad you were able to take a risk and make progress toward conquering your fear! Very commendable. I'm sure one day you'll be playing all day in front of others! Keep it up!

[theshaggyfreak]

I've been reflecting quite a bit on the experience and trying to rationally find ways to possible change certain things to help make things easier on me. First off, I really need to memorize the lyrics to songs that I'm doing. Reading and playing at the same time is a bit like the whole 'walking and chewing gum at the same time' or at least it is for me. Memorizing lyrics I can do. It's just something I have to practice with.

The other major issues that I think I can deal with has to do with keeping my mouth in front of the mic. I feel more comfortable singing and playing at the same time when I'm able to see my hands. This can be difficult to do depending on where the vocal mic is. So, I'm getting myself a headset mic so that I won't have to think about that.

Lastly, I think I just need to find songs that feel more natural to me. I think that writing some of my own tunes will definitely help that but I can also pick better cover songs too.

Last night was certainly a learning experience and I'm going to give it another go next month.

[ShrackAttack]

I’ve spent the past two or three months practicing with my ukelele and I taught myself a few songs that I liked. I practiced till I was satisfied enough to give an open mic night a try. I did my best to mentally prepare myself for what might happen. When I have an anxiety attack, my mind ends up going blank and my hands won’t do what I tell them to do. I almost end up doing a sort of stutter that I can’t get past.

I'm pretty sure this has happened to most people who have performed live at some point. I know it happened to me multiple times in college when I would play solo in front of faculty or do a solo student recital. Sometimes I was able to get through it due to muscle memory alone and other times I just crashed and burned. I had to completely quit a piece about 2/3 of the way through because I just couldn't go on and completely forgot it. That's how it goes sometimes. The only way to at least get close to eliminating it is by practicing something way more than you think you should and then practice it some more. And playing in a group is always much, much easier as you have someone to lean on and of course there is strength in numbers/more confidence.

And honestly, usually things don't turn out as bad as you think. You focus on your mistakes way more than other people do. Most people won't even recognize that you have made a mistake unless you physically show it (by your facial/body expressions) or outright tell them. I do think some of my best solo performances were when I was panicking and just letting my body do the work when my mind had completely forgotten what was going on. Sometimes I've played music and completely made up entire sections because I had forgotten what they were in the spur of the moment.

But I can definitely sympathize. I've stuttered IRL since I was 4 or 5 years old and speaking in front of people has always scared the absolute shit out of me. I would skip class when I knew I had to give a speech or speak out loud in middle/high school. It's gotten easier as I've gotten older since I just tend to care less or not care at all about what other people think, but it is still a pain in the ass when it comes to things like job interviews, skypeing employers, etc. The reality of it is though is most people honestly don't even think twice about it or notice it.

[Radiowar]

yeah memorizing lyrics - or just the music in general - is generally a must when you're playing live. or perhaps a better word is "internalizing." if it means something to you, if you understand it fully, that feeling of natural expression is gonna come across. it's like learning lines in a play, you need to believe it and own it in the moment 100%.

then theres the more practical fact that if you dont know it, you will forget it. playing on a stage in front of an audience is just a different environment, and anything that can possibly go wrong probably will, especially things that have never happened before.

i'm of the mind that there's only so far you can get with independent practice. part of that practice has got to be putting yourself in that completely unfamiliar environment where your heart is pounding and your hands are cold and your legs are weak and you cant hear yourself very well and theres a bunch of people staring at you. im always like, you're gonna feel that nervousness no matter what, and you just need to let it hit you, find a way to turn that nervous energy into excited happy performance energy. in general i think it takes probably 2-3 times of doing a particular set live before i feel like i reach some base level of comfort with it. the first time is pretty much always a throwaway, something where you do it and then afterwards are just like "ok what the hell just happened" and then you do it a bit better the next time.

[WillRock]

When I mess up, I tend to mess up pretty badly and find it hard to recover and I get wracked with anxiety. When I've done performances for OCR and other shows, I practice a TON to avoid that scenario.

As someone who gets it pretty badly... this. Practice like your life depends on it. Also, make sure that you record yourself playing because one thing i've noticed is that when I've done a performance, I think i've done TERRIBLE, and I look back at the recording and it sounds great. I've found that when I panic, I seem to alternate to "safe mode" and instinctively simplify my playing, but as long as you don't make a mistake you can rock it and end up golden regardless.

[timaeus222]

Memorizing lyrics I can do. It's just something I have to practice with.

I find that grouping things together in a way that you can understand them helps you remember it more easily. For example, I had to memorize a list of 53 pKa's for Organic Chemistry II (40 on a sheet of paper and 13 from a table), so I found relationships between each acid and grouped them together.

Maybe you could analyze the song you want to try singing, break it down to what words each section involves, and just think about how many words into each verse you have to know before you can figure out the rest without explicitly remembering them. Find the differences in context between each verse, and find the choruses. Form a general structure to the song in your head.

There have been times when I've messed up badly, and honestly, no one really noticed. The first time was my audition for playing the piano at the talent show in my senior year of high school. I knew it was pretty bad, but I just kept going (and made one more mistake), and then finished, and I still got on the talent show. No one even asked about anything remotely related to the mistakes. Now let's go back to sophomore year. I played Mario for the talent show, and I knew I made a mistake live. I randomly forgot what I was playing right in the middle of the performance, and I paused for about a second. I went with it anyways, picked a note to fill in the gap, and continued playing where I left off. I think my mind went blank for a moment, but I don't know if I just got lucky or I improvised my way through (aka BS). I feel like that would help. Of course, it may just have been easier because I was shorter than the piano when I sat down, and the piano was facing perpendicular to the audience, not to mention the stage lights made it impossible to see the audience.

Edited December 11, 2013 by timaeus222

[OceansAndrew]

super props for not only going after your fears head on, but having a well-thought out plan and a metric for success. I hope you keep going after it in what you feel are comfortable and safe environments, and evaluating and adjusting as needed.

[Meteo Xavier]

I was never able to get over my performance anxiety. It's the very reason I never went into professional acting or playing the keys for anyone. It was particularly strange because acting, at that point, was one of the few things I really felt like I had. I have no idea why it would've made me anxious.

Then I found my autism at age... 22 I think, and by then it was pretty pointless anyway. My ability to train properly was always going to be a Sisyphus battle as my muscles cannot learn quickly or efficiently, and I was never going to get the gigs I really wanted. Confidence is the key to any performance, and nothing blows it away like auditioning for something everyone in the room had more experience, talent, and biological capability to handle the gig than you did.

At the same time, only ONE person from my old drama days is in anything even remotely professional entertainment - so perhaps I dodged a bullet there.

I did get some voice acting gigs over the last year and I would like to pursue that as a side thing just so I could justify that part of my life. I have very few things I would call skills, so I hate having them wasted, but even as I practice it today, that anxiety to perform like a performer should very much hampers the performance.

[Patrick Burns]

From your description, I'd say you're well on your way. I hate the feeling, hate it hate it. It's like the opposite of music.

I've done a fair amount of performing over the years, and I've never been comfortable. Especially performing classical -- it's just so stuffy. This is me a few years ago: http://youtu.be/qwS5GkGf_3I?t=7m4s -- these days, I'm a bit over the classical scene. I'm just happier playing casual songs casually for casual friends.

I don't know what the best answer is. Practice, obviously, but other things help too. The best realization I ever had was knowing this: you really have to feel like you have something to share. To that end, arrogance can work. If that's not your cup of tea, you can embrace a more idealistic perspective -- whatever those feelings are that got you into music and kept you coming back, other people desperately need that. They may not know it, they may not help you share it, but you've got it and you better figure out a way to get through. Of course, you need to have songs that make you feel that way.

And know your songs by muscle and ear, inside and out. Everything else -- whatever mental or visual queues you've got to help you remember and get through a song, they melt away when you're nervous.

But then again, all these "you should do this" pieces of advice could serve to paralyze you too. In that case, just find the fun.

[Meteo Xavier]

It might just be best parred down to "You either have it, or you don't."

[Moguta]

As many others have said -- probably more eloquently -- kudos for giving it a go! Obviously you know your limits, and it's great that you can stop yourself before getting even more flustered. As someone who struggles with social situations, your predicament is all too familiar. And it's encouraging that you recognize that performance as just one step toward breaking out of whatever anxiety or shell holds us back. Keep on keepin' on!

[theshaggyfreak]

Thanks to all for the encouraging words! I am going to give it another go next month and I'm confident that I'll do better the next time around. The difficult things are indeed worth doing.

[XPRTNovice]

Confidence is the key to any performance

This. I always try to be really cocky and really humble at the same time - the really cocky part is when you're performing, because you have to KNOW you are the BEST THING THAT HAS EVER TOUCHED MUSIC.

But once you step away from that stage, you must, must, must ditch that attitude. For one, it makes you a dick. It also makes it impossible to get better because you think you already know everything.

So, when I've been on stage, I am the best musician in the world. All other times I am awful and I don't understand why people like my music. It's a weird mind-splitting duality but it works for me.

[Flexstyle]

This. I always try to be really cocky and really humble at the same time - the really cocky part is when you're performing, because you have to KNOW you are the BEST THING THAT HAS EVER TOUCHED MUSIC.

But once you step away from that stage, you must, must, must ditch that attitude. For one, it makes you a dick. It also makes it impossible to get better because you think you already know everything.

So, when I've been on stage, I am the best musician in the world. All other times I am awful and I don't understand why people like my music. It's a weird mind-splitting duality but it works for me.

Basically this, 100%. I've played in a couple bands before, and while I know I'm nowhere near the skill level of most of the people I see on stage, I know that I'm the right guy to be playing this part, right now.

[Nutritious]

Thanks for making this thread and sharing your experience. It definitely can inspire others in similar situations.

I wasn't actually planning on posting here, but one of my past experiences just popped into my mind so I thought I'd share.

It was my senior year in high school and I was the first chair saxophone player in band. Our band competed with others in regionals and state competitions near the end of the year, but it was also an option for members to compete as soloists. Now, in order to qualify to compete at the state level, you had to get a "1" (superior) rating at regionals. I hadn't tried soloing before, but I decided to go for it for my last year in band.

By my senior year, I was quite confident in my abilities. I practiced my song quite a lot and had the piece solidly memorized. You had to have an accompanist to perform with you, so I'd been fortunate to get a local piano teacher to play the supporting piano part.

When my turn at regionals came along I did pretty well. I was a little shaky a parts, but I managed to get a 1 rating. The judge wrote in my scoring card that he was going to give me the opportunity to go to state, but let me know that he expected me to practice more and perform better. So, leading up to state, I did practice as much as my schedule allowed.

When the time came, those of us in the band who qualified for state traveled together to the competition. It was an all-day event, and myself and one other girl were scheduled to perform near the very end of the day. Her turn was a couple of slots ahead of mine. I actually wasn't nervous at this point, but leading up to her turn, she was extremely anxious - like near hysterics, shaking, etc. I did my best to calm her down and encourage her up until it was her turn to go.

Then she got up to go in to perform and someone made a comment to the effect of "get ready, it's almost your turn". At that moment it hit me: I was about to go in and I'd been so wrapped up in helping her I hadn't mentally prepared myself at all. All of the sudden, I'm hit with a massive amount of anxiety and nervousness; along with the stomach tightening/butterflies feeling as well. I tried to calm myself down, but couldn't seem to get control of the feeling.

My turn came and I walked in to perform. I remember my pianist was rushing from another performance and got there right in time to quickly set up and play, which didn't help my anxitey. I stood up and announced my piece, then took my first breath to start playing when I realized something - I couldn't breathe normally. Literally, I physically could not take a full breath, only small, shallow breaths. So, throughout the entire piece I was fighting to force myself to get more air but simply couldn't do it. Now, you decide ahead of time which points in the song to inhale as to not disrupt the flow of certain sections, but I'm sure I threw that completely out the window just trying to get enough air to support the sound. Fortunately, I had the song so well memorized, that I was pretty much on autopilot on that front.

Now, at the end of the song, the piano part has this really difficult, discordant part that the teacher always had trouble with. She told me to just play through my part no matter what happens with her. Not helping matters, she crashed and burned the end section of the piece during the state performance. I have no idea how it sounded, but I was able to just play my part straight through it and finished.

I was super relieved to have it all done and almost immediately I was able to breathe normally again. I remember my friend, who was second chair sax player under me, telling me that I did well but internally he was thinking "just breathe! take a breath!". So, it must have been clear what I was struggling with.

In my turmoil while playing, I really didn't know how well I actually performed the piece. We didn't find out our scores until later (and since I was at the end of the day, would have to wait until we got back to school). To my shock, I received another 1 (superior) rating. No mention was given by the judge about my breathing, but only praise for my performance. I don't know if he was just being nice or I really did well despite what happened (or he didn't notice), but It was a super proud moment for me. Even though the experience was pretty horrible, it was great to have validation for the work I'd put into it.

That whole experience is really weird for me, because I DON'T normally experience undue anxiety or nervousness. I performed on stage for several different types of events, gave public speeches, etc without ever having anything remotely close to the above occur. So, yeah, I really believe this can happen to ANYONE. I hope anyone struggling with this finds encouragement here.

Edited December 11, 2013 by Nutritious