Dex, you're on the money. Even with this revision, most of your feedback still applies.
eval:
The ebb and flow dynamics of the intro strings pad seem a bit erratic. You might want to even it out a bit. This issue is still there when the same pad is used with the piano. Fiddling with the envelope and note lengths should help here. Try to avoid whatever happened with the instrument at 1:00.
The main piano quite bright, dry, and hard. (It also sounds a bit like an sd3 track.) It doesn't quite feel like it's part of the same world as the other instruments. It's a bit too loud, and could use more reverb or delay to blend in more. It's still quite mechanical. I'm hearing more variation in velocity (eg around 3:15), but the timing still seems quite rigid.
Check your mix levels against well-mixed tracks (eg ocremixes by veteran remixers, from the past few years). That way you have an easier time spoting differences in frequency balance and dynamics, in mixing things between the two mixes. The hihats and your synth leads both seem quite loud to me (as did the piano). This is something you start to notice when you listen for it, and train your ears on well-mixed tracks.
The panning on the synth lead is annoying. Not something you'd get rejected for, but it bugs me, so I'm letting you know.
This is without a doubt a remix of Deus Ex. Both structure and instrumentation are quite close to source. There are some creative differences, like the uses of the secondary sources (well handled, too), but I think it's still too conservative to pass. That's one of the more difficult things to deal with; issues pertaining to sound design and mixing are easier to identify and to alter.
Currently, it'd probably be rejected on the basis of being too conservative, unrealistic sequencing (instrument parts aren't smooth enough), sound design (mostly that superbright piano), and mixing issues (track levels, making instruments fit together).
My recommendation is to take this as far as you currently can without bothering much with trying to change the arrangement (unless you get a good idea for how to do that), use another eval if you feel you need one later, sub it, and see what happens. It's a good arrangement to practice the technical aspects of remixing on. Pass or no pass, you take what you've learned (including judges' feedback from having subbed it) to your future works.
Have fun.