Jump to content


  • Posts

  • Joined

  • Last visited

Everything posted by Archaon

  1. How is scarring children not awesome? Incidentally, no, he's not making it up. Pokemon can be pretty damn brutal at times. Just look at Houndoom. It's a hellhound that breathes fire produced by a deadly cocktail of toxins that boil in its body, and because of those toxins, anyone who gets burned by that fire WILL FEEL THE PAIN FOR THE REST OF THEIR LIFE. Now think back and imagine how many cute little Jigglypuffs you'd be crippling forever by hitting them with Houndoom's flamethrower.
  2. OK, I have to ask. Has that cat been drugged? In my experience, (this is a cat-heavy neighbourhood) if you tried to put a cat in a shirt, tie strings to its paws and make it play the keyboard, you'd damn well better be prepared to say goodbye to at least 50% of your unshredded flesh. No cat in that situation would be just lying there on the verge of falling asleep unless it'd been given something.
  3. Seconded. It's one thing to create funny material; it's another thing entirely to create funny material repeatedly in adherence to a strict schedule. Unless you have a lot of talent and a very, very creative mind, you're not always going to have fresh ideas. You won't always feel like writing or be able to come up with clever stuff, but if you're pursuing it as a career then your employers aren't going to care if you felt inspired or not; when that deadline rolls along, they want results, plain and simple. This is why I don't plan on pursuing writing as a career, and why I don't tend to make my articles (comedic or otherwise) very public. I'd like to get the exposure and the feedback, sure, but with exposure comes the expectation that you'll be producing more content, and I know better than anyone that if I try to write something without feeling motivated about it then I'm just going to turn out crap.
  4. When the planets align. When the stars are right. When the omens are upon us, and the dark gods rise from their slumber to engulf the world once again. Or some time next week, when I'm done with my business seminars. Whichever comes first.
  5. Whoa, whoa, whoa. Hey. Whoa. I won't stand for that. Just because I pointed out that it's looking a little provocative there, you immediately assume I'm some sort of Chikorita-fancying pervert. Christ. You disgust me. I'll have you know, my heart will always belong to Clefairy.
  6. Is it? Colour me clueless, then. In response to the rest of this post; yes. I know. It's a joke. It's not supposed to be anything other than amusing.
  7. Why not indeed? Why do people think this is a nice song? It isn't. It isn't at all. Do you know what people in most circles call someone who watches another person's every move, obsesses over them day in and day out and quietly mutters to themselves about how they belong to them even if they don't realise it yet? A STALKER. What, you think it's OK to stalk people just because you're Sting, Sting? No, Sting. It isn't. Put your camera down and get a real girlfriend.
  8. I'm sorry. I try to look at it, but all I can see is "retarded bonnet". That and a Chikorita who, and this might just be me, seems to have something of a "come hither" look.
  9. Damn it, mods, I've been looking for this bloody thing everywhere. A LITTLE HEADS UP WOULD HAVE BEEN NICE. You know, I'm starting to think that if I wrote a thread about the potential application of the clarinet as an anal pleasuring device, it'd get moved in here in the grounds of being "about music". Maybe some enterprising young forumite yearning for the glory days of UnMod could give that a go for me and see how it turns out. EDIT: In response to Buttercup's request, all I can say is "What in god's name is a real estate novelist?" Nobody reads novels about real estate, Billy. Now you're just making shit up.
  10. Who's that? Sum... Whatever. Just call him Shiggy.
  11. You know what would make Octillery cooler? A Dark-type attack called Tentacle Rape. One of those Wrap or Fire Spin deals except, you know, actually useful. Double damage against females. Learned naturally by Octillery/Tentacruel and available as a TM from any manga store.
  12. Not really, actually. My mother's a fan, though, so I ended up listening to him a lot on the car stereo when I was younger. I'm not even especially familiar with him. I just happen to know some of his songs because of how often I heard them, and I thought it was mildly amusing that a big musician with such a long-lasting career happened to have wrote a song about how everyone would forget about him in a year or two. That plus ten minutes in a word processor led to this.
  13. It took me about ten minutes.
  14. I confess that, by and large, I’m not really into a lot of music that hasn’t previously been a background accompaniment to stomping on the heads of my enemies or hurling fireballs ad nauseum. However, even to someone like me, there are certain musicians that you just can’t NOT know about, and Billy Joel is one of them. However, upon closer examination, I have discovered that this man is, in fact, a total bastard that needs to be stopped. What led me to this conclusion? Well, I think we need only take a look at some of his songs in order to see the truth. Let’s put some his work beneath the magnifying lens, shall we? Only The Good Die Young: Jesus, Billy, SHE DOESN’T WANT TO HAVE SEX WITH YOU. I know that the thought of a girl not immediately wanting to jump your crotchet confuses you because you’re just so great, but you need to learn to allow people their little quirks. Sure, the idea of abstaining from sex before marriage is rather antiquated and silly, but if that’s how she wants to play it then that’s her own damn business. A little determination in persuading her otherwise is all well and good, but there’s a line between “determination” and “borderline rapist”. You know what, Billy? If you wanted to have sex without getting married, maybe you shouldn’t have gone after a Catholic schoolgirl in the first place. And even if you do manage to convince her, what happens then? Now you’ve got to demand that she start on birth control as well. Not that I blame you for being drawn in by those uniforms, but ultimately it’s all just going to end up on the floor anyway. Everybody Loves You Now: Yeah, Billy. You’re totally in a position to write snide songs about famous people, criticising them for being shallow. My Life: Damn right, Billy! Stick it to those bastards telling you that you shouldn’t sleep in strange places! Come on. The message that you shouldn’t allow others to dictate how you live is a sound one, but there is such a thing as good advice, and not going to sleep in any old place falls under that category. “You wake up with yourself”, Billy? Well, sure, but probably not with your valuables. But hey, by all means, go ahead and take a snooze on that park bench. Maybe some nimble-fingered hobo will pilfer your wallet and watch while you sleep, but at least you’ll awaken knowing that you’re an independent, free-thinking man who doesn’t have to take advice from anyone! Big Shot: "Ooh, and when you wake up in the mornin' With your head on fire And your eyes too bloody to see Go on and cry in your coffee But don't come bitchin' to me" Damn, Billy. That’s pretty harsh. What'd this girl do, mug your mother or something? Nope. Turns out her only crime is "being a big shot". What does that even mean, Billy? A big shot? You mean, like, someone famous? A person with a lot of influence? Someone important in their field? Kind of like you, Billy? Movin’ Out: Don’t work too hard to make a living! It’s not like you really need all that money. I mean, what are you going to do with it all anyway? Incidentally, Billy, what’s it like living in a twenty million dollar house? I’m just curious. The Entertainer: Oh, I get it. You realised you screwed up with “Everybody Loves You Now”, so to make up for it, you wrote a song telling us that you “know where you stand” and that you’ll be gone from our memories within a year. Sure, Billy. Whatever you say, Billy. Your popularity is just so fleeting and ethereal, and that’s why you consistently made the charts throughout your career for thirty years and composed such timeless classics as “Piano Man” that continue to endure to this day. FUCK you, Billy. She’s Always A Woman: She’s a liar, she’s a thief, she never admits fault and she’s cruel just for shits and giggles…but she’s still a woman, you know? Actually, come to think of it, she sounds like a perfect match for you. Congrats, Billy. That’s a keeper. Just The Way You Are: At first glance, this seems like a nice enough song. Billy tells his woman that she doesn’t need to change herself because he loves her just as she is. Fair enough. That is until he slips in the line “I don’t want clever conversation”, implying that she isn’t capable of it. Well, of course, Billy. Women obviously don’t know shit about being clever, and that’s just the way you like it, isn’t it Billy? Why does she need brains when it’s not like she’ll ever be getting out of the kitchen anyway, right Billy? You don’t need to be Mensa material to know how to cook a good steak, do you Billy? Baby Grand: Actually, no. On second thoughts, this one’s OK. If you want to hump your piano, Billy, that’s all you. I’m not going to judge. You Look So Good To Me: This could have just been “You Look So Good”, but Billy doesn’t roll like that. Generally speaking, when someone looks good “to you” but not to anyone else, it’s because you’re drunk. Not that I’m saying there’s anything wrong with getting drunk and having sex with someone that you otherwise wouldn’t go near, but writing a song saying “You’re only pretty when I’m on the piss” is going a bit far. You’re My Home: “It always comes as a surprise when I feel my withered roots begin to grow.” Look, Billy, this is supposed to be a romantic and heart-warming song. You can’t just slip in a quick allusion to boners and hope we’re not going to notice. You May Be Right: You know, Billy, upon finding someone strapped to an electric chair, most people would have the common decency to let them out before “Telling them dirty jokes until they smile.” That is, unless they’re a convicted criminal and an actual execution is taking place, but I think browsing Death Row for a girlfriend is scraping the barrel a little. That said, it would add a whole new depth to the line “It just may be a lunatic you’re looking for.” Uptown Girl: BULLSHIT, BILLY. This is the kind of song you could have got away with writing at the start of your career, but you know what? When you’re bobsledding down slopes made of hundred dollar bills, you are no longer allowed to behave as though you’re some poor, working-class pleb trying to score with a rich woman. We Didn’t Start The Fire: At this point, Billy, I wouldn’t be at all surprised if you did.
  15. Obviously the next series of games will feature an aspiring young master throwing ultra ball after ultra ball at God himself. Or just copping out and using a Master Ball. You know. Not even deities can break out of that shit.
  16. There are a lot of questions one could ask about the Pokemon series that are best to just not think about. For example, imagine that you are a giant snake made of solid rock that is intelligent enough to understand human speech without necessarily even having encountered a human before. Some kid comes along and has a bunch of critters beat the shit out of you so that you don't have the strength to escape when he shoves you into a tiny plastic ball. Two minutes later, that same kid is yelling at you to use Rock Throw or some shit. Obey his command, or crush the little bastard to death and go HOME? Or how about the fact that everyone in the world can say (presumably with a straight face; it's hard to tell) that loving and caring for your monsters is vitally important in spite of the fact that 99% of them are obtained via the aforementioned "kicking the shit out of and imprisoning them" method?
  17. Ah ah ah, Bleck. Have you forgotten your lessons so quickly? Going into tall grass without already having a Pokemon of your own is a death sentence. Those Pidgeys are fucking brutal.
  18. I'm on the fence. Granted, I'm probably biased by the fact that I've had to put up with hyperactive children a lot more often than I've had to put up with thieves.
  19. Wait, wait. Programming? When did we start talking about programming? Even if I was putting this forward as an actual project that we should work on, I suspect that Nintendo would take a very dim view of anyone else squeezing the teats of their beloved cash cow.
  20. You missed the one instance of a rival that didn't need to be strangled. Red/Blue: Arrogant prick who always claims to be better than you no matter how many times you obliterate him. Gold/Silver: Arrogant prick who always claims to be better than you no matter how many times you obliterate him. Also a thief. Ruby/Sapphire: Mild-mannered. Friendly. No delusions of superiority. Diamond/Pearl: Arrogant prick who always claims to be better than you no matter how many times you obliterate him. Also a hyperactive twatbasket. Presumably, once they're done with remakes, the next generation will feature an arrogant prick who always claims to be better than you no matter how many times you obliterate him and is also a child rapist. Just to keep the trend going.
  21. Seconded. Or for the love of god, at least have a detailed explanation of them for once. By now this stuff is all over the Internet; there's no earthly reason to be so damned secretive about it anymore. Or better yet, do this.
  22. Archaon

    The Path

    Well, not so much creepy games in and of themselves; it's not like every horror game refuses to explain what's happening, after all; but definitely the ones that pull this "come up with your own explanation" crap. You can attach meaning and symbolism to anything if you look hard enough; the fact that we're supposed to draw our own conclusions doesn't make it clever.
  23. Archaon

    The Path

    Am I the only one who thinks this could well just be a case of developer laziness? "Well, I guess we could put together an actual story and explain what the hell's going on, but that's way too much effort. Let's just throw some creepy shit together and let the players work it out." Believe me, I'd know.
  24. Piffle. I don't see no Pokemon. This is not you and your Squirtle against a decimated hellscape, dammit. This alone would justify the game's existence. Also:
  • Create New...