OCR Mascot Bios - 20 more up for grabs!

[Abadoss]

The story begins when Gruntilda Winkybunion, a hideous green witch who speaks in rhymes, becomes jealous of Banjo's little sister Tooty's beautiful looks. As part of a plan to switch their looks, the witch kidnaps the cub, prompting Banjo and Kazooie to set out to rescue her.

Soooo... totally optional, but wouldn't be kinda fun and appropriate if this particular section is actually written in rhyme?

[Polo]

Can we do 'who' instead of 'that'?

Yes we can. [/Obama]

The second comma feels a little strange after adding "who speaks in rhymes", but if you say it's not a problem, then fine.

It's needed here because "who speaks in rhymes" is part of the offsetting clause "a hideous green witch," which requires surrounding commas anyway (with or without the rhyming detail).

Didn't notice it before, but two consecutive clauses end in 'around'. Maybe it's not a problem, but if you can think of anything, do tell.

Hm, didn't notice it either. Maybe "both faster and more versatile than the opposite"? Or "the inverse"?

wouldn't be kinda fun and appropriate if this particular section is actually written in rhyme?

Fun, yes. But as much as Dafydd and I are nitpicking, we want to maintain the spirit of the original bio writer's words as much as possible. spajjder didn't write it in rhyme, Dafydd's suggestion to add Grunty's quirk came in late in the game, and I personally think trying to make it work would take up unnecessary time. We still have like 20 mascots that need attention.

Should we capitalize the f in 'find', or not?

No capitalization needed when starting a colon-induced list (unless the first item was a name or other proper noun).

How about "She also has the ability to dissolve" for congruence with "Because of this, she has a Power Suit-like appearance"?

Fine by me.

Anything else?

Edited April 7, 2015 by Polo

[Dafydd]

It's needed here because "who speaks in rhymes" is part of the offsetting clause "a hideous green witch," which requires surrounding commas anyway (with or without the rhyming detail).

Like I said, I'm OK with it, but I do think it feels a little strange. I've tried every other combination of commas I can think of, and nothing felt like an improvement. Dashes around "a hideous green witch who speaks in rhymes" would work, maybe, but I'm not sure that's how you're supposed to use dashes, at least not in English. Even parentheses would do the job, but I don't think the clause is parenthetical in its content.

Hm, didn't notice it either. Maybe "both faster and more versatile than the opposite"? Or "the inverse"?

Is "vice versa" too technical or academic? Come to think of it, I seem to remember reading that phrase the very first time in the DKC manual (another RareWare game). *googles* Yeah, it's on page 11. Twice. For what it's worth...

No capitalization needed when starting a colon-induced list (unless the first item was a name or other proper noun).

Roger. Wasn't sure.

Edited April 7, 2015 by Dafydd

[Polo]

Is "vice versa" too technical or academic?

Well, in this case, it's too far away from the dependent clause - to work, it would have to be "Humorously, the bird is often the one carrying the bear, not vice versa," but then that would intrude on the details about the Talon Trot.

Now that I think of it, the double iteration of "around" doesn't seem like a problem because they're used differently: one is about a situational inverse and the other is about mobility.

That's two more changes to B&K and Dark Samus: "a gentle, cheerful soul who likes to swim" and "She also has the ability to dissolve into a Phazon particle cloud" respectively.

[Dafydd]

Alright.

I uploaded both and added both writers to the list on the category page. Figured it was about time I did that, I think it's been years since last time... I might have missed some italics at some point or made other mistakes, so feel free to have a look.

Final versions, for reference:

http://ocremix.org/info/Banjo_%26_Kazooie

Banjo & Kazooie are the famous Honey Bear and Red-Crested Breegull duo from the game series named after them. Banjo is a gentle, cheerful soul who likes to swim, climb, and play. In contrast, Kazooie is a loudmouth who likes to insult whoever she meets and brag about her accomplishments. Despite her abrasive nature, she sees Banjo as her adoptee, and has taken up residence in his backpack.

The story begins when Gruntilda Winkybunion, a hideous green witch who speaks in rhymes, becomes jealous of Banjo's little sister Tooty's beautiful looks. As part of a plan to switch their looks, the witch kidnaps the cub, prompting Banjo and Kazooie to set out to rescue her.

Alone, Banjo can throw punches and unleash rolling attacks against opponents, but it is with the help of Kazooie that most of the duo's advanced moves become possible. These include jumping higher and farther, midair attacks, and even firing eggs from her beak or out of her rear. Humorously, the bird is often the one carrying the bear, whether by hauling him on her back, which is actually both faster and more versatile than the other way around, or by letting him hang glide under her wings as she flies him around.

As the protagonists make their way through Gruntilda's lair, occasionally accompanied by her rhyming taunts, they traverse mountains, deserts, and the very seasons themselves in their quest to find Banjo's sister. Along the way, they meet such characters as Mumbo Jumbo, the voodoo priest who turns them into various animals; Bottles, the mole who teaches them new fancy moves; and Brentilda, Gruntilda's better-looking sister, who gives them all manners of gossip of Gruntilda's disgusting habits.

The clock is ticking. Will Banjo and Kazooie save Tooty in time, or will Gruntilda finish her "makeover" and doom the cub to hideousness?

http://ocremix.org/info/Dark_Samus

Protector of good, heroine to the light, beacon of hope... Dark Samus is none of those. The complete opposite of famed bounty hunter Samus Aran, she has only one basic instinct that drives her every move: find, absorb, and spread the mutagenic material known as Phazon. Anything that tries to get between her and this instinct is bound to experience the full range of her wrath.

When an alien entity snatched away Samus's Phazon Suit upgrade and a bit of her DNA in the original Metroid Prime, it used these as a template to create the being now known as Dark Samus. Because of this, she has a Power Suit-like appearance, including a blaster on her right arm. She also has the ability to dissolve into a Phazon particle cloud, which makes her difficult to kill.

When the Space Pirates first encounter her on the planet Aether in Metroid Prime 2, their logs describe her as "The Dark Hunter"; however, the dark, organic suit and menacing behavior didn't match their earlier encounters. After witnessing a skirmish between the two Samuses and realising they were not only two separate beings but enemies as well, the pirates hoped to use this powerful creature to get rid of their sworn nemesis. This proved idle hope: Dark Samus makes no allies and takes orders from no one. While she does harbor a sense of hatred toward the bounty hunter, she will try to dispatch Samus when it suits her.

Also, I think you were done with Knuckles:

On Angel Island rests the Master Emerald, a gem capable of neutralizing the power of the Chaos Emeralds. Its sole guardian is Knuckles the Echidna, the last member of a race whose sworn duty has been to keep the emerald safe from thieves and destruction.

Having adhered to his duty his whole life, Knuckles prefers solitude over company. His focused nature occasionally makes him appear stubborn and arrogant around others, and rarely will he swallow his pride to admit when he's wrong. Serious to a fault, Knuckles often takes others' words at face value, particularly when the Master Emerald is involved. He originally believed Dr. Robotnik's lie that Sonic was the one trying to steal it from him, resulting in a clash between the echidna and hedgehog. Once the truth came to light, the two teamed up to take down the scheming doctor, and since then, Knuckles has been a steadfast (if relatively aloof) ally in Sonic's adventures.

Two spikes adorn both of Knuckles's gloves, adding a visible emphasis to his name. He punches his way through countless obstructions, from walls to boulders to baddies, when clearing a path of his choosing. Similar to a real echidna, Knuckles likes to burrow under surfaces to root out treasures. One of his handier moves is the ability to glide through the air for long distances, from which he can latch onto walls to climb. These tactics and more serve him well in exploration — there have been times when the Master Emerald shattered into fragments, and its ever-vigilant guardian tracked down every piece and reassembled them into a once-again functioning whole. One can expect no less from someone who embodies an entire race's hopes and strengths.

I sent a PM to Arrow about the Shulk bio, also.

Edited April 8, 2015 by Dafydd

[Polo]

Awesome. I made a few little tweaks to B&K and Dark Samus's pages (one of 'em needed italics for a game title), but otherwise they're good. BorgMan and spajjder, if you're reading this, thanks for putting up with the bio-furnishing process.

Also, I think you were done with Knuckles

Mhm. He's uploaded as well.

Now I'm claiming Quote and Curly Brace from Cave Story. They kinda have similar backgrounds, so I'm gonna work on both bios at once to make them different enough to stand on their own.

[Dafydd]

Indeed, thanks to BorgMan and spajjder for staying with us, and apologies for the long time I took.

Marking down your claims, Polo.

[Arrow]

Hi guys, sorry for the radio silence. It's taken me even longer than I expected; in addition to what I mentioned last post, I realized there's really no good plot synopses of his character anywhere online (minus a tiny blurb at Wikipedia I'm using), so I'm having to write the profile mostly from scratch.

I'm near done with the first draft though. I'll be on vacation from this Wednesday through next Thursday, so I plan to get this first runthrough done and posted here before I leave work today, so you two can at least go over and pick any errors (probably a lot) apart while I'm out.

EDIT: Okay, more like tomorrow, cause today at work was hell.

Edited April 14, 2015 by Arrow

[Arrow]

Here's my first draft. It's dirty, and I expect you two will have a lot of edits. Only the last paragraph really focuses on Shulk as a character, but Xenoblade involved a hell of a lot of world-building, and I felt I couldn't really delve into Shulk as a character without touching on all of that first.

As far as the existing profile at http://ocremix.org/info/Shulk goes, the only change I'd need to make to the data there is the fact that I pulled from http://xenoblade.wikia.com/wiki/Xenoblade_Chronicles_%28plot%29 instead of the already-linked http://xenoblade.wikia.com/wiki/Shulk. The latter page goes into so little detail on Shulk that it was worthless for writing this up.

-------

The legends told of a battle between two massive, mighty gods that lasted for an eternity. Bionis and Mechonis clashed in mortal combat for ages, wielding gigantic swords. Both gods took fatal injuries in the battle, with the left hand of Mechonis falling to the ground below, and Mechonis' sword impaling Bionis in the chest. Their corpses remained forever upright. Millennia later, life has flourished on the dead bodies of the two. Many races, including the human-like Homs, live peacefully on the body of Bionis, while the robotic Mechon race evolved on the body of Mechonis.

After an extensive period of peace, the Mechon suddenly began sending armies of mechanical warriors over to the body of Bionis in an act of war, attempting to kill all Homs and other sentient races. The creatures on Bionis fought back for centuries, eventually leading up to an invasion in Sword Valley, where the sword of Mechon had pierced Bionis and provided a avenue of transfer between the two gods. The Homs and their allies fought back, with a 30 year old fighter named Dunban leading the charge. Dunban wielded the Monado, the same mystical, reality-affecting sword that Bionis used to fight Mechonis in legend, which a team of researchers had located in a shrine in the icy mountains 13 years before. Dunban was able to push back the Mechon forces, but at the cost of being unable to use his right arm, due to being unable to properly control the Monado's power.

One year after the battle in Sword Valley, a mechanical engineer named Shulk spends much of his time researching the Monado when not hanging out with his friends. When the Mechon unleash a new attack on Colony 9, one of the last remaining colonies of Homs, and Dunban is unable to fight, Shulk picks up the Monado and finds that it grants him visions of the future, something Dunban never had the ability to do while wielding it. After successfully fending off the Mechon attack, though not without much loss of life, Shulk and his best friend Reyn venture out into the world at large, devoting themselves to ending the Mechon threat once and for all, and uncovering the true secrets behind the Monado's power.

[Dafydd]

Hi guys, sorry for the radio silence. It's taken me even longer than I expected

I can't tell you how much I appreciate being told bad news over getting no news at all. Thanks for the update.

Here's my first draft.

I like it - it's dramatic, but not silly. You already know it's rough, so I won't nitpick at this point, but I want to point out 'live' near the end of the first paragraph, which should be a 'lived' to keep the tense consistent throughout the first and second paragraphs.

Also,

Dunban wielded the Monado, the same mystical, reality-affecting sword that Bionis used to fight Mechonis in legend

, but how? You said it was a gigantic sword, wielded by a god, so how is Dunban holding that? Did it shrink? This might need a little bit of explanation. Maybe Monado should even be introduced somewhere in the first paragraph. Edited April 14, 2015 by Dafydd

[Liontamer]

As far as the existing profile at http://ocremix.org/info/Shulk goes, the only change I'd need to make to the data there is the fact that I pulled from http://xenoblade.wikia.com/wiki/Xenoblade_Chronicles_%28plot%29 instead of the already-linked http://xenoblade.wikia.com/wiki/Shulk. The latter page goes into so little detail on Shulk that it was worthless for writing this up.

Updated it.

[Polo]

Hi Arrow. Glad to see you crank out something rather than nothing.

Only the last paragraph really focuses on Shulk as a character, but Xenoblade involved a hell of a lot of world-building, and I felt I couldn't really delve into Shulk as a character without touching on all of that first.

Okay. I can see how the fallout of the gods' battle sets up the Mechon/Homs antagonism and the sword Monado, which flows into Shulk taking part in the grand scheme of things. It's possible to deliver the essentials relevant to Shulk/his purpose as a character without getting mired in details and drawing too much attention away from him. You also want to avoid repetition where possible. Here's a few examples of what I mean:

- Bionis and Mechonis: what seems to matter most about this paragraph is that their fight ends, new races thrive on them, and the sword Monado remains (echoing Dafydd's suggestion that maybe it should be introduced here). It's contradictory to say the gods fight "for an eternity" ("for ages" contradicts THAT), and I don't see the relevance of their corpses being "upright." You also say races "flourished on the dead bodies" and "[lived] peacefully on [one] body" - decide what form of "being on a god's body" you want to use once.

- Mechon vs. Homs: whether or not this is a natural extension of the Bionis vs. Mechonis battle, it seems like the Mechon declaring war on the Homs and others (following the "two sides against each other" dynamic) would work better in the first paragraph (after noting that new races flourish where the gods have fallen, and without saying the Homs/races on Bionis "fought back" twice). This can also help you fit in the Monado, i.e. that it's being used again. I'm not sure if you need to mention Dunban just yet - I understand he's the first (Homs) wielder of Monado, but I feel bringing him up before Shulk makes him either the real focus of the bio or more important. You mention that Shulk picks up where Dunban left off in the third paragraph, so...

- Shulk paragraph: ...THAT can instead follow out of Shulk's research on the sword. His accumulated knowledge + following through on Dunban's first attempt = a better wielder, no?

http://xenoblade.wikia.com/wiki/Shulk [...] goes into so little detail on Shulk that it was worthless for writing this up.

His personality, relation to other characters, and battle moves are touched upon on that page - these kinds of things can help a reader understand Shulk better. The fact that he wields a sword (and a legendary one at that) feels like an opportunity to explore his efficacy with it. You can even lead into it via something like: "Shulk puts his extensive research to use when wielding Monado in battle..." (if at least some of his abilities aren't unexpected like seeing the future). You don't have to be overly technical or detailed (or even drop names of his moves), but a little taste of them wouldn't hurt. Hell, even describing some of his attacks in Smash Bros. can help you get more mileage out of his character.

And here's a couple of spelling/grammar nitpicks you were probably expecting...

- "life has flourished" --> "life had flourished" (to stick with the past tense)

- "a avenue" -> an avenue

Hope all this nourishes your revision process. If you have any questions or concerns, just ask.

[Dafydd]

It's possible to deliver the essentials relevant to Shulk/his purpose as a character without getting mired in details and drawing too much attention away from him.

That's true, the bio is mostly backstory and very little about Shulk himself or his personality or abilities. It reads more like an introduction to the game's universe than to Shulk. I was too drawn in by backstory to even notice

I don't see the relevance of their corpses being "upright."

I think it helps explain how there can be a bridge between the two worlds in the form of the sword that one god impaled the other with. But then again, the bridge isn't all that relevant in the end. The contents of the first two paragraphs should be distilled into the length of the first, and the length of the current second and third paragraphs should focus on Shulk. With that in mind, there may not be enough room for such details.

[Mirby]

Can't really write a bio, but did want to point out regarding the Shantae bio that though the logo has the 1/2 symbol in it, it's still written as Half-Genie Hero in all official materials.

Apologies if this was already brought up.

[Polo]

No one's brought it up before, so I appreciate the info. Fixed.

[Polo]

Quote and Curly Brace are now here for your reading pleasure/analysis. Let me know of any notable bits of repetition between (or within) the bios.



Quote
"You are the most suited to exploring this island. Please. Give us your aid." — Professor Booster


== Bio ==
A sentient robot awakens in a cave with no knowledge of how he got there or even his own name. Wandering around in the dark, he finds a gun to ward off hostile creatures. As he makes his way through the labyrinthine passageways, he suddenly stumbles into a tangled plot involving a rabbit-like race of Mimigas, a human known as the Doctor bent on enslaving said race, and a Demon Crown. It's up to this robot, Quote, to unravel the mystery of the transpiring events and put a stop to the Doctor's plans in Cave Story.

Quote is described as a "soldier from the surface" by more than one person. Robots like him were once sent to the island where the game takes place — those who know the gruesome details of this history tend to prejudge Quote as just another killing machine, and some even attack him outright. Most characters, however, come to know his kind nature when he retrieves lost items for them or works to get innocents out of binds. As a result, island natives and non-natives alike routinely place their trust in Quote to help them through their problems, large and small.

As a robot built for exploration, Quote's skills and endurance levels surpass a human's. He can easily handle any weapon he picks up, from a missile launcher to a bubble gun to a Mimiga's sword. He's also able to move underwater for a limited time without his internal systems shutting down. Similar traits are shown by Curly Brace, a fellow robot who becomes Quote's most trusted comrade. Whether alone or with any number of allies, Quote travels the length and breadth of the island to fulfill all manners of missions, some of far greater importance than he realizes.

== References ==
Cave Story Wiki - "Quote"
Wikipedia - "Cave Story"



Curly Brace
"Mimigas aren't your enemies! Mimigas are harmless!!"


== Bio ==
Curly Brace is a robot who beams with empathy. She acts as a surrogate mother to orphaned Mimigas, critters native to the island of Cave Story, even while she's suffering from amnesia. Anyone on the Mimigas' side consequently gets her full support, while those out to slaughter them receive no mercy. She'll lend a hand to protect anyone important to her, even when it means putting her life on the line. It's no surprise, then, that Curly is the biggest booster of game protagonist Quote, who's out to stop a catastrophe from erupting on the island.

Although her memory is imperfect, Curly maintains her potential to explore the cave-riddled island for answers to her past and more. She carries a machine gun as her starting weapon, although she can use other firearms with equal proficiency. Thanks to her air tank, she can stay submerged in water indefinitely. Compared to Quote, Curly has a less sturdy constitution and requires more time to rest up after a trying battle or a shock to her systems. Nevertheless, Curly's resolve never falters, and both robots have each other's backs when they're together. Little do they know just how intertwined their destinies are...

== References ==
Cave Story Wiki - "Curly Brace"
Wikipedia - "Cave Story"

[Chernabogue]

Guess I could write another one after Alucard. I'll try to do Eevee. Don't know if it's good so let me know

 

 

Eevee

"Its genetic code is irregular. It may mutate if it is exposed to radiation from element Stones." -- Pokédex Entry (Red Version)

 

 

==Bio==

With Evolution being a unique feature in the Pokémon World, Eevee may be one of the most interesting creatures to have roamed its lands. Evolution is a process in which a Pokémon changes into a different species of Pokémon, usually getting stronger in the process. While more conventional Pokémon only get one or two Evolutions, Eevee can transform into eight different creatures. Moreover, all of Eevee's evolutions require different preconditions, leading into the most exotic Evolution tree the Pokémon World has ever seen. Elemental stones, location, and time of the day are but a few of the conditions a Pokémon trainer has to take into account to make Eevee evolve.

 

From those Evolutions comes Eevee's greatest strenght, as it is a relatively weak Pokémon in its basic form. Being of Normal type, Eevee only gets one weakness, but doesn't show any potential advantage, nor exceptional stats. A Pokémon trainer who gets to train an Eevee may prefer to raise its Evolution(s) instead, as they all possess different abilities and types. One should pay attention into which form Eevee may evolve as it is said that only a few Eevees are still alive, and Pokémon trainers may not encounter such a creature in the wild. To its trainer comes down the choice to make Eevee the trump card of a powerful Pokémon team.

 

 

==References==

Official Pokédex Website (Just saw the Mascott page has references, but I thought a more "official" one would be better )

Bulbapedia Article: Eevee

[Polo]

Hello again, Chernabogue. My thoughts on Eevee...



- I like what you're going with in the 1st sentence, but it's kind of unwieldy. You can keep it or remove it, following 1 of 2 possibilities:

1) If you keep the 1st sentence, I suggest starting it this way: "Eevee may be one of the most interesting creatures to roam the Pokémon World." This way you don't imply Eevee is going through the lands of Evolution, you use the present tense ("roam," not "roamed") to avoid the idea that it's extinct, you cut one iteration of "Evolution" (there's 7 total - more on how to fix this below), and you don't set up Evolution once only to step away from it before you explain what it is in the following sentence. Kill many birds with one stone.

2) Alternatively, you can cut the first sentence and start with the second one this way: "In the Pokémon World, Evolution is the process by which a Pokémon changes into a different, usually stronger, creature." Notice I removed a second mention of "Pokémon" and "process." Also, I'm pretty sure Evolution is THE process, not just one (or are there other ways Pokémon can change into new ones?).

- It sounds better for a Pokémon to "undergo" (not "get") an Evolution. Or you can say most evolve a maximum of two times.

- "leading into" --> "leading to" or "creating"

- "a few of the conditions" --> Because you already say "preconditions" in the previous sentence, try changing this part to "a few factors" or similar.

- I think you can afford to list maybe 2 or 3 of Eevee's 8 possible evolutions along with the conditions that precede them or the differences between these new Pokémon and Eevee (abilities, etc.). This is to pay off the setup regarding the spiel about Evolution and why Eevee is so unique in this regard. Note that this may or may not have to be put in the 1st paragraph (see below).

- The 1st sentence of the 2nd paragraph can be tweaked to "From these Evolutions come Eevee's greater strengths" and moved to just after touching upon Vaporeon/Umbreon/Whateveryouchooseon (just so the sentence has a more fitting use).

- "Eevee only gets one weakness, but doesn't show any potential advantage, nor exceptional stats" --> "Eevee has few weaknesses but also few exceptional strengths" (saying it has only one weakness feels incomplete, noting no "potential advantage" is a downer that goes against its potential to evolve into something more, and "stats" is a bit too technical in this context).

- "who gets to train an Eevee" --> remove this part (cuz we're assuming the trainer already is doing so)

- "they all possess different abilities and types" --> This could be another good place to start talking about some of Eevee's other forms - just don't do it both here AND in the first paragraph (choose one).

- "pay attention into which form Eevee may evolve" --> "pay attention to which form Eevee may evolve into"

- Like I said above, the word "Evolution" appears 7 times in your two paragraphs, not to mention there's disagreement on whether or not to Capitalize it in the middle of a sentence (on the Bulbapedia page as well as here). Possible substitutes in places may include: "transformation"; "(major) change"; "metamorphosis"; "new form(s)" - the idea is to make the language more varied/vibrant.

 

Just saw the Mascott page has references, but I thought a more "official" one would be better

 

Everything on a placeholder page acts as, well, a placeholder. Larry's offering stepping stones/suggestions for people to kickstart their writing process, and bio writers are always welcome to use their own sources, find better quotes, etc.



Make this bio evolve into something stronger!

[Chernabogue]

Version #2:

 

Eevee

"Its genetic code is irregular. It may mutate if it is exposed to radiation from element Stones." -- Pokédex Entry (Red Version)

 

 

==Bio==

Eevee may be one of the most interesting creatures to roam the Pokémon World. Evolution is the process by which a Pokémon changes into a different, usually stronger, creature. While more conventional Pokémon only evolves a maximum of two times, Eevee can transform into eight different creatures. Moreover, all of Eevee's transformations require different preconditions, leading to the most exotic Evolution tree the Pokémon World has ever seen. Elemental stones, location, and time of the day are but a few of the factors a Pokémon trainer has to take into account to make Eevee evolve. Eevee's new forms most notably include the swift Jolteon, the mysterious Umbreon, and the newly-discovered Sylveon.

 

From these more advanced creatures come Eevee's greatest strengths, as it is a relatively weak Pokémon in its basic form. Being of Normal type, Eevee has few weaknesses but also few exceptional strengths. A Pokémon trainer may prefer to raise its Evolution(s) instead, as they all possess different abilities and types. One should pay attention to which form Eevee may change into as it is said that only a few Eevees are still alive, and Pokémon trainers may not encounter such a creature in the wild. To its trainer comes down the choice to make Eevee the trump card of a powerful Pokémon team.

 

 

==References==

Official Pokédex Website

Bulbapedia Article: Eevee

[Dafydd]

[DISCLAIMER: This new forum software is giving me a headache. Does anyone know how to get raw mode so I can make quote tags manually and get rid of strange formatting? Until I find out, my posts are going to be a little messy.]

 

Thanks for the updates, guys.

 

@Polo: Unless you really mean that the guy is known as "the Doctor bent on enslaving said race", I vote for a comma after "Doctor". Quote looks good otherwise, good job! It's been a few years since I played that game and I don't think I could have come up with that much to say about Quote if I tried.

 

Curly Brace's bio really reads like a sidekick character description in comparison. Maybe it's not a problem, but it feels as if she's not allowed to stand on her own two legs, and that her bio is incomplete without Quote's. Or maybe I only feel this way because I read Quote's bio first...? Also, according to Curly Brace's bio, Quote is "out to stop a catastrophe from erupting on the island", and I didn't really get that idea reading Quote's bio.

 

 

"even while she's suffering from amnesia" sounds a little strange. How does "all the while suffering from amnesia" compare, do you think? 

 

Moving on...

 

2) Alternatively, you can cut the first sentence and start with the second one this way: "In the Pokémon World, Evolution is the process by which a Pokémon changes into a different, usually stronger, creature." Notice I removed a second mention of "Pokémon" and "process." Also, I'm pretty sure Evolution is THE process, not just one (or are there other ways Pokémon can change into new ones?).

I like this suggestion better, because the first one is so opinionated, and because this clearly lays out that "evolution" in the Pokémon World isn't what it is in the real world, and it helps explain why it's capitalized throughout the bio when it normally isn't.

 

You write "Evolution is the process by which a Pokémon changes into a different, usually stronger, creature", but later on, you write that "A Pokémon trainer may prefer to raise its Evolution(s) instead". The trainer doesn't raise processes, obviously. I suggest "to raise one of its evolved forms instead" as a replacement.

 

"While more conventional Pokémon only evolves a maximum of two times, Eevee can transform into eight different creatures," but no one ever said the number of times a Pokémon evolves limits the number of creatures they can evolve into. You need to somehow clarify that the normal chain of evolution is a linear one before you can contrast the two.

 

"Eevee's new forms most notably include the swift Jolteon, the mysterious Umbreon, and the newly-discovered Sylveon", and for most people, these names are far from self-explanatory, and this sentence will amount to little more than namedropping.

 

Polo wrote (and I italicized)

I think you can afford to list maybe 2 or 3 of Eevee's 8 possible evolutions along with the conditions that precede them or the differences between these new Pokémon and Eevee (abilities, etc.)

 

 

and I think there's room to elaborate a little more here. "Newly-discovered", especially, is an insufficient description of Sylveon - I'm left wondering what kind of creature it is.

 

 

"Being of Normal type, Eevee has few weaknesses but also few exceptional strengths", but a person who doesn't know much about Pokémon wouldn't know what a "Normal type" is. Don't take too much for granted, and remember who you're writing for. I think "Being of what is called the Normal type" should do it in this case.

 

"One should pay attention to which form Eevee may change into" - First, bios aren't supposed to read like manuals, and we tried to avoid this kind of wording back when the Pikachu bio was written. Second, I don't really understand what you mean by "pay attention". Will Eevee evolve spontaneously into a form you don't want if you don't pay attention, or do you mean players need to be careful about which form they choose to let Eevee evolve into (because they won't get that many chances)? I don't know enough about the game mechanics to tell at this point.

 

The very last sentence reads a little backwards, I think.

 

Sorry if I'm coming off too harsh, Chernabogue, but this new forum is making me lose my temper...   

[Polo]

Unless you really mean that the guy is known as "the Doctor bent on enslaving said race", I vote for a comma after "Doctor".

Keep in mind it's part of a comma-divided list. Adding another one there would make "bent on enslaving said race" an incompatible item because it's not a complete subject/noun. How about if I add "who is" after "the Doctor" (or "who aims to enslave")? Or maybe quote marks around "the Doctor" would suffice?

 

Curly Brace's bio really reads like a sidekick character description in comparison. Maybe it's not a problem, but it feels as if she's not allowed to stand on her own two legs, and that her bio is incomplete without Quote's. Or maybe I only feel this way because I read Quote's bio first...?

I suspect the last sentence of her bio may be giving you that impression. To be fair, her story does in part depend on his - she's one of many characters he meets and interacts with, and she gets less than half his screen time in the game. But I am focusing on Curly proper before any relevant mentions of Quote. I start by saying she's empathetic, but that's not limited to caring for a few Mimigas - her story grows beyond that after meeting Quote. Calling her his "biggest booster" is my way of touching upon her character development, and I'm not sure I can talk about her robotic abilities which include (and influence) exploring the island like Quote if I simply stick to what players know when they first see her (they might think she HAS no reason to do that if she's just a motherly robot).

 

Also, according to Curly Brace's bio, Quote is "out to stop a catastrophe from erupting on the island", and I didn't really get that idea reading Quote's bio.

Hm. Reading it again, it feels like "catastrophe" sounds better suited to describing a natural disaster, not a form of race enslavement that goes beyond the confines of the island. Maybe a more specific alternative would help: Quote is "out to stop a madman from bringing harm to many." (You think I can/should include Mimigas in there?)

 

"even while she's suffering from amnesia" sounds a little strange. How does "all the while suffering from amnesia" compare, do you think?

That almost makes her motherly actions exclusively tied to memory loss, and I kinda prefer illustrating her empathy shining through regardless of the hardships - not to mention Curly doesn't look after those orphans ALL the time she has amnesia (she travels with Quote out of circumstance before she remembers things). How about "despite suffering from amnesia"?

 

I like this suggestion better, because the first one is so opinionated, and because this clearly lays out that "evolution" in the Pokémon World isn't what it is in the real world, and it helps explain why it's capitalized throughout the bio when it normally isn't.

Ah, good call.

- Like Dafydd said, the 3rd (now 2nd) sentence should read "While more conventional Pokémon only evolve" and not "evolves" (plural, not singular)

 

"Eevee's new forms most notably include the swift Jolteon, the mysterious Umbreon, and the newly-discovered Sylveon", and for most people, these names are far from self-explanatory, and this sentence will amount to little more than namedropping.

Reading that sentence, I get that Jolteon has a lot of speed, not much is known about Umbreon, and Sylveon is news (meaning its discovery will be irrelevant in time). So yes, a bit more specificity would help. Also, saying "most notably" suggests fans are in agreement about Eevee's best known forms, so try starting that sentence with "Some of Eevee's new forms include..." to give yourself leeway.

 

I think "Being of what is called the Normal type" should do it in this case.

Or "Being what is called a Normal type" could work.

 

I suggest "to raise one of its evolved forms instead" as a replacement.

I agree with this.

 

players need to be careful about which form they choose to let Eevee evolve into (because they won't get that many chances)

I'm sure this is what Chernabogue meant.

 

The very last sentence reads a little backwards, I think.

I thought so at first, myself. Forwards, it would be: "The choice to make Eevee the trump card of a powerful Pokémon team comes down to its trainer." Although now it sounds like the focus is on the trainer, not Eevee's potential. To echo my fellow editor, don't make this read like a how-to manual. It should be more like "this is an overview of what's possible with Eevee" rather than "follow these directions so you can win Pokémon battles as you play."

[Dafydd]

Keep in mind it's part of a comma-divided list. Adding another one there would make "bent on enslaving said race" an incompatible item because it's not a complete subject/noun. How about if I add "who is" after "the Doctor" (or "who aims to enslave")? Or maybe quote marks around "the Doctor" would suffice?

Meh. Alright then. Quote marks will do nicely, so go with that unless you have a better idea.

 

I suspect the last sentence of her bio may be giving you that impression.

Reading the bio again, without reading Quote's first, I get the sidekick feeling a lot less than I did the first time. If you change the last sentence just slightly so it reads "little does she know" instead of "little do they know", this will keep the focus on her a little more.

 

Maybe a more specific alternative would help: Quote is "out to stop a madman from bringing harm to many." (You think I can/should include Mimigas in there?)

"bringing harm to many" sounds a bit lame, don't you think? How about "out to stop terrible events from taking place on the island" or "out to stop a madman's sinister plans from unfolding on the island" (not sure about that last part)?

 

That almost makes her motherly actions exclusively tied to memory loss

Really? I didn't realize. I looked up a few example usages of "all the while", and none of them gave me that idea. Interestingly, Wiktionary (not the best source, perhaps) says that it's "frequently used to indicate that deception was occurring during the period at issue", but I don't think it has to indicate that.

 

How about "despite suffering from amnesia"?

If amnesia is normally a reason to stop being caring, yeah, that would work. The original wording implies so as well, I think, but that also sounds like she's not suffering from it all the time. Just to set the record straight, how would changing it into "even when" instead of "even while" change the meaning of the sentence? I'm not suggesting you do it, I just wanna hear how you think it changes the meaning. Does it say anything about how often or for how long she suffers from amnesia?

By the way, "critters native to the island of Cave Story" sounds to me like the island itself is called Cave Story. I could be mistaken, but shouldn't it be "critters native to the island where the events of (in?) Cave Story take place" or similar? It's clunkier, though, so I hope not.

Or "Being what is called a Normal type" could work.

Wouldn't it have to be "Being what is called a Normal type Pokémon"? I like that better than my earlier suggestion, though.

 

I'm sure this is what Chernabogue meant.

I think so too, but it's not clear when I read that sentence that that's what it meant to say.

[Polo]

If you change the last sentence just slightly so it reads "little does she know" instead of "little do they know", this will keep the focus on her a little more.

I'm fine with that, but I feel I'd also have to tweak the preceding sentence to something like "she has Quote's back as much as he has hers" to move more thoroughly away from "they/them" and closer to "she/her."

 

How about "out to stop terrible events from taking place on the island" or "out to stop a madman's sinister plans from unfolding on the island" (not sure about that last part)?

I can use "out to stop destructive events from unfolding on the island." The Doctor's not the only madman, plus there's a lot of rapid-succession destruction at the end of the game.

 

how would changing it into "even when" instead of "even while" change the meaning of the sentence? I'm not suggesting you do it, I just wanna hear how you think it changes the meaning. Does it say anything about how often or for how long she suffers from amnesia?

"Even when" means virtually the same thing as "even while." It MAY additionally imply what "all the while" implies (deception/ulterior motives), but if so, then so can "even while." "When" indicates any unspecified time(s) and "while" suggests duration, so the latter feels more complete/steady. And since "all the while" gives you, me, and Wiktionary different impressions of meaning, then using that is likely out of the question.

I'm most comfortable using "despite."

 

By the way, "critters native to the island of Cave Story" sounds to me like the island itself is called Cave Story. I could be mistaken, but shouldn't it be "critters native to the island where the events of (in?) Cave Story take place" or similar? It's clunkier, though, so I hope not.

I put Cave Story in italics, so I don't see how it can't indicate the game title. And I already said "the island where the game takes place" in Quote's bio. It would be easier if the island HAD a name (e.g. "the island of Mimigaland in Cave Story"), but it doesn't.

 

Wouldn't it have to be "Being what is called a Normal type Pokémon"?

That would be clearer, but now I realize Chernabogue uses the word "Pokémon" in his bio even more than "Evolution(s)," so we'll have to figure out which mentions to cut or change if he doesn't get to them first.

[Dafydd]

I'm fine with that, but I feel I'd also have to tweak the preceding sentence to something like "she has Quote's back as much as he has hers" to move more thoroughly away from "they/them" and closer to "she/her."

I don't think so at all. I think this would work just fine:

"Thanks to her air tank, she can stay submerged in water indefinitely. Compared to Quote, Curly has a less sturdy constitution and requires more time to rest up after a trying battle or a shock to her systems. Nevertheless, Curly's resolve never falters, and both robots have each other's backs when they're together. Little does she know just how intertwined their destinies are..."

But if you want to change second final sentence, that's fine with me too.

 

I can use "out to stop destructive events from unfolding on the island." The Doctor's not the only madman, plus there's a lot of rapid-succession destruction at the end of the game.

"Destructive events" also sounds a little dull, almost like a programming term. I would much prefer "destruction from taking hold of the island" (the first 4 words of that quote gave me only 2 hits on google, so either I'm good at avoiding clichés, or I'm doing something wrong) or "horrible events".

 

"Even when" means virtually the same thing as "even while." It MAY additionally imply what "all the while" implies (deception/ulterior motives), but if so, then so can "even while." "When" indicates any unspecified time(s) and "while" suggests duration, so the latter feels more complete/steady.

Thank you kindly for the elaboration, I appreciate it!

And since "all the while" gives you, me, and Wiktionary different impressions of meaning, then using that is likely out of the question.

Good point.

 

I'm most comfortable using "despite."

Then let's go with that.

 

I put Cave Story in italics, so I don't see how it can't indicate the game title.

Depending on convention, putting something in italics merely indicates that it's the first time that something is mentioned, not that it's a game, specifically. I forgot our convention was that it does mean it's a game. Sorry about that.

 

 

That would be clearer, but now I realize Chernabogue uses the word "Pokémon" in his bio even more than "Evolution(s)," so we'll have to figure out which mentions to cut or change if he doesn't get to them first.

I'd like to see a new version with my clearer wording added, and then do something about the number of "Pokémon" occurences. I realize that means the bio will need another revision, but how many bios have made it through on the third attempt so far? I'll write Chernabogue and see what's up, it's been almost a week since he got feedback from both of us.

I also wrote Arrow about Shulk, and it looks like he'll need some more time. I told him we'll get our other WiPs done first, and then I'll ask him again.

[Polo]

if you want to change second final sentence, that's fine with me too.

Awesome.

 

"Destructive events" also sounds a little dull, almost like a programming term. I would much prefer "destruction from taking hold of the island" (the first 4 words of that quote gave me only 2 hits on google, so either I'm good at avoiding clichés, or I'm doing something wrong) or "horrible events".

Don't know when or if I've heard of destruction/events "taking hold" of something, but I have heard of something abstract "gripping" another thing ("fear grips you"). Odd. Saying Quote is "out to stop horrible events from taking hold of the island" sounds pretty nifty. Unless you have other ideas, I can use that.

 

Thank you kindly for the elaboration, I appreciate it!

Glad to be of some English-y assistance.

 

I'm most comfortable using "despite."

Then let's go with that.

Done.

 

I also wrote Arrow about Shulk, and it looks like he'll need some more time. I told him we'll get our other WiPs done first, and then I'll ask him again.

Good, this'll help us space out our workload and give Arrow the liberty to mess around with Shulk more.

Here are the robots' bios again, in case you see any other tweakable tweaks to gussy them up better.

Quote:

A sentient robot awakens in a cave with no knowledge of how he got there or even his own name. Wandering around in the dark, he finds a gun to ward off hostile creatures. As he makes his way through the labyrinthine passageways, he suddenly stumbles into a tangled plot involving a rabbit-like race of Mimigas, a human known as "the Doctor" bent on enslaving said race, and a Demon Crown. It's up to this robot, Quote, to unravel the mystery of the transpiring events and put a stop to the Doctor's plans in Cave Story.

Quote is described as a "soldier from the surface" by more than one person. Robots like him were once sent to the island where the game takes place — those who know the gruesome details of this history tend to prejudge Quote as just another killing machine, and some even attack him outright. Most characters, however, come to know his kind nature when he retrieves lost items for them or works to get innocents out of binds. As a result, island natives and non-natives alike routinely place their trust in Quote to help them through their problems, large and small.

As a robot built for exploration, Quote's skills and endurance levels surpass a human's. He can easily handle any weapon he picks up, from a missile launcher to a bubble gun to a Mimiga's sword. He's also able to move underwater for a limited time without his internal systems shutting down. Similar traits are shown by Curly Brace, a fellow robot who becomes Quote's most trusted comrade. Whether alone or with any number of allies, Quote travels the length and breadth of the island to fulfill all manners of missions, some of far greater importance than he realizes.

Curly Brace:

Curly Brace is a robot who beams with empathy. She acts as a surrogate mother to orphaned Mimigas, critters native to the island of Cave Story, despite suffering from amnesia. Anyone on the Mimigas' side consequently gets her full support, while those out to slaughter them receive no mercy. She'll lend a hand to protect anyone important to her, even when it means putting her life on the line. It's no surprise, then, that Curly is the biggest booster of game protagonist Quote, who's out to stop horrible events from taking hold of the island.

Although her memory is imperfect, Curly maintains her potential to explore the cave-riddled island for answers to her past and more. She carries a machine gun as her starting weapon, although she can handle other firearms with equal proficiency. Thanks to her air tank, she can stay submerged in water indefinitely. Compared to Quote, Curly has a less sturdy constitution and requires more time to rest up after a trying battle or a shock to her systems. Nevertheless, Curly's resolve never falters, and she has Quote's back as much as he has hers. Little does she know just how intertwined their destinies are...