Yeah, unfortunately, my honest opinion is that this needs quite a bit of work. It's not for nothing, but most of the synths are pretty basic and don't really capture me as a listener. DaMonz also hit the nail right on the head when he described the sequencing as "mechanical," cause it's noticeable on pretty much every instrument, particularly the bassline and leads. It's hard to get into a groove as-is.
In addition, I definitely feel like the mixing is a little lackluster regardless of which version you go with. Muddiness is a big problem, tone down on the reverb on various synths or consider using samples that have a bit more clarity to them from the start, so things like your bassline will not bleed as much. The drums on the other hand don't feel energetic enough, I don't know how much of this is the writing and how much is the mixing, but the drums definitely sound a little off to me.
That's not all I have to say about the mix, but I think trying to re-sequence the track so it has a bit more flow, as well as cleaning up the mixing so certain elements are leveled properly would be a great start for this. It's a great source tune and you did some cool stuff with it, so keep at this one!