Alright man, thanks for your patience. I've been listening to the track on and off to try and get a feel for it. I used to play Runescape a lot so I'm much more familiar with this source tune than I'd really care to admit x_x
Anyway, I'll start with the good. You seem to have a pretty good ear for balancing your instruments and overall, the production on this actually isn't too bad. I'd say your snare is a little too piercing and could lose a bit in the high frequencies. The way you wrote the song also leads to a lot of crowding in the mids, mostly due to the strings clashing with each other.
Overall the arrangement is pretty good as well, quite interpretive and a nice time signature transition/genre adaptation. Shows a lot of creative talent, which I appreciate and recognize.
However, there's a few serious problems here that I'm afraid will take time to iron out. First off, the sequencing is very unrealistic, and I'm not really sure there's a quick fix for this. A lot of it is just that your writing sounds blocky - everything's playing at very fixed intervals and there's not a lot of variation in the patterns. In addition, it sounds like your note velocities are all pretty much the same. These two problems generally give an amateurish sound to a song, and unfortunately it's showing through here pretty strongly. I doubt the song would be able to pass the panel for that reason alone.
In addition, your sample quality is... not the best. I'm not sure how much more you can get out of the samples you've currently got (what DAW are you using?) but I really don't feel like the ones you have are really cutting it, unfortunately. I know it's not impossible to make good sounding music at OCR quality with free samples (ProtoDome and Ziwtra have done it and routinely outperform those with high-end samples in terms of overall quality) but in order to do that you probably need to spend more time writing music and paying special attention to humanization (i.e. note velocities, quantization, and laying out notes in a way that sound like they're actually performed by a real instrument.)
Ultimately I think you've got the chops to write good music, but in order to make it on OCR you need to really work on your sequencing and how you utilize your samples. I would honestly suggest just continuing to write music and get feedback here instead of dwelling on this track, you'll gradually tend to get better as you work on new songs. Maybe someday down the road you can revisit this with some more experience... I don't mean to be discouraging, but the problems with this mix I don't think are really going to be "quick fixes" per se.
Good luck man Hope this was helpful.