Resub final candidate 1
Many thanks once again for your valuable feedback, timaeus222. I note that I should probably keep the big picture better in my mind while I write, and that also goes to melodies - I have a bad habit of just inserting a bunch of notes in to the pattern, instead of trying to think about the melody as a whole.
Since the sub, I extended the arrangement, but that was fixing something that wasn't broken and lead to that indecisive feel (or, to have more of it). Instead, I just cut out that weird section which no-one seems to think was good (even after simplifying it), and now it seems to progress well.
The Hydrocity Zone example was great, and I think I have the 1:08-1:22 lead resolving better now. I also mixed the bleepy thing a little higher in the beginning of the mix, doesn't seem to hurt.
I did mix the snares down due to the feedback, and I thought they were ok balance-wise for what I was going for even so much less loud. I did now layer the main snare with the lower frequencies of a beefier sample.