First off, I don't like the lead synth, it's too distracting and becomes very grating rather quickly. Especially since it repeats over and over again throughout the song without much variety. The lyrics leave much to be desired, they are much too loud and are not interesting at all. They sound too mechanical maybe, sort of fake. This needs a lot of work.
I know the original piece is special to you, so I hope my comments don't strike a nerve. I'm new to remixing, so maybe other people can give more specific suggestions.