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Review a game in three sentences


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Because two isn't challenging enough.

Heavenly Sword

I don't trust American Voice Acting, which is okay because Heavenly Sword lets you play it in French. It also features the best crowd scenes of any game. Shame it features some of the worst boss fights.

8/10

FF Dissidia

The story plays like a collection of “what is this Final Fantasy character going to whine about?” For some of the characters this works fine, namely Tidus and Squall. Then you get to kill them.

9/10

The Darkness

I really enjoyed watching To Kill a Mockingbird. Definitely one of the finest films to have ever been made. Then I remembered I had a terrible game to beat.

3/10

Uncharted 2

By far the best acting I've ever seen in a video game. The gunplay isn't quite as good as it could be. At times I think I would actually like the game better if it were just a movie with multi-player attached as a side option.

9/10

Uncharted 1

Not as good as Uncharted 2. In fact, the only reason I really want to go back and play it again is because I'm playing through Uncharted 2 and I miss Sully. Sully is awesome.

7/10

Persona 4

Persona games would be a hell of a lot better if they didn't force you to run through mindless dungeons power grinding. And the power grinding would be a lot better if it wasn't set to Japanese Pop. So you'd basically be left with a dating sim where you play as a creepy kid who has seizures.

7/10

Persona 3

A choose your own adventure where every choice leads to the same damn page. This format is combined with a dating sim where you are rewarded for wooing a girl with getting to see her room (and nothing else) and a big ol' dungeon that has 100 floors of exactly the same room over and over. It's no wonder it took me a year and a half to beat the thing.

6/10

Batman Arkham Asylum

For being a game centered around some of the best villains to grace the pages of comic books, the boss fights sure do suck in Batman Arkham Asylum. Also, once you get the three-at-once batarangs, the game becomes completely unfair. Then again, it wouldn't feel like Batman if he wasn't invincible.

7/10

Crisis Core

It's a game based around a character who gets mentioned twice in the entire course of FF7. A large part of the plot revolves around an advertisement for a play that you see out of the corner of your eye in one scene in FF7. The combat revolves around hitting the same button a thousand times and maybe leveling if you're lucky enough to win a lottery.

5/10

Fallout 3

One day people will realize how boring this game is. Fallout 3 is a lot like going to the same movie over and over again. It's not a very good movie, but it's got Liam Neeson in it.

6/10

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Mass Effect A great sci-fi game that has a very large world to explore. Marred by a clunky, overwhelming inventory system, as well as aggravating loading times in elevators. Best Xbox 360 game hands down.

Mario Galaxy Nintendo's attempt at trying to outdo Mario 64, with great results. Fantastic graphics, and music. A long game, but not much replay value after you're done.

Okami (Wii vers.) Beautiful graphics. A novel approach towards exploration RPGs. Marred by horrid controls, and a few irritating characters.

5/10

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Odin Sphere

You run around a circular battle area fighting off random assortments of baddies and the occasional nintendo-hard boss with a weapon made out of a huge gem. Toys with norse mythos to great effect, along with solid voice acting, english and japanese. The only real problem is the framerate lapses, and sadly there are never any closeups of Ms. TnA- errr Velvet.

8/10

Radiata Stories

150 recruitable party members (each is different from the other) makes it a really time-consuming game for completion-freaks (like me). Lots of off-the-wall (genuinely funny) satire of RPG cliches. Battle system is somewhat generic.

another 8/10

Disgaea 2

Hilarious comedy and a fun battle system. Unfortunately, enemies become repetitive and there is a heavy emphasis on level-grinding. Prinnies are awesome (dood) and I'm loli for Etna (ok not really).

7/10

Heroes of Newerth

DotA clone of epic proportions. Still a beta with heavy balancing/user interface issues but overall quite fun. FULLY PORT CAPTAINS MODE ALREADY.

6/10

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A Boy and His Blob

Charming and gorgeously-animated with lots of cool powers and unique uses for them. 40 normal levels, 40 challenge levels, and a few bosses make for a great, long game. Marred by a slightly-annoying control scheme and Boy's repetitive Blob-calls.

8/10

Contact

Action-RPG for the DS where you play as a boy who goes to another world to help a graphically-distinct professor and his cat recover Green Rocks. Battles are quick and mostly painless, though lacking in real depth or challenge. Game is also rather dry on dungeons and boss fights, but makes up for it with an epic final boss run.

7/10

House of the Dead: Overkill

On-rails shooter prequel for the House of the Dead series, starring Agent G and the word "fuck". Easier than other games in the series, but makes up for it with copious unlockables and a bevy of different guns. Boss battles disappoint.

7/10

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Super R-Type:

Good music but it looks like it could've been made for the NES. A little sparse on the power-ups. Weapons are kind of lame.

3/5

R-Type III:

You're not going to know what's going on if you don't read the manual. I like the different Force options. Goddamn this game is hard.

4/5

SimCity:

Your archetypal city management game. Build things, demolish things. Run out of cash.

2/5

Illusion of Gaia:

Travel the world, transform into different heroes. The plot is somewhat odd. Bosses are cheap.

3/5

Animal Crossing: Wild World:

I wish my furniture turned into leaves I could stuff in my pockets. Only problem is I'd forget what was what and end up with a pile of junk. Creepy furry fetish game.

4/5

Paperboy 2:

Ride your bike around, throw papers at mailboxes. Break nonsubscriber windows for extra money. Watch out for lawnmowers and ghosts.

3/5

Hyper Iria:

Anime-based game. I wish I could read Japanese. Not easy to figure out without a manual and a dictionary.

1/5

F-Zero GX:

Repetitive gameplay. Cheap AI. Diamond Cup sucks.

2/5

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House of the Dead: Overkill

On-rails shooter prequel for the House of the Dead series, starring Agent G and the word "fuck". Easier than other games in the series, but makes up for it with copious unlockables and a bevy of different guns. Boss battles disappoint.

7/10

Starring Agent G and the word "fuck."

lol

Deus Ex

Wearing a trench coat and sunglasses, you fight the confusing plot lines of the Illuminati. It's nice to play as a character who can fit a rocket launcher under that coat. Better yet, they explain WHY he can fit a rocket launcher under his coat.

8/10

Deus Ex Invisible War

The reason this game got bad press: less trench coat. Less rocket launcher. Less explanation.

7/10

FFXII

Programming at its best. If using C++ involved the slaying of monsters for exp and loot, then I'd probably be a programmer today. I certainly spent enough time at the game to build one myself.

9/10

God of War II

There's, like, two locations in this entire game. Just goes to show that no matter how violent and cool your main character is, dungeon crawls are boring. Kratos' prize for traversing the dungeon is a huge fat woman.

6/10

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DJ Hero

A game where you become a DJ. The music Selection is good enough. Final Fantasy 7 Sucks Anus.

7.5/10

Wolfenstein

You play a guy named BJ. The game blows anus. Though not as much as Final Fantasy 7.

4.2/10

Halo 3 ODST

Worst game ever made. Except Final Fantasy 7. Also True love Conquers Aliens.

3.0/100

/TROLL

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Klonoa Wii

Classic game revisited with a bunch of neato extras. You have to beat the game to unlock all these extras, though. A great adventure platformer so long as you turn off the grating english voices.

8/10

Rune Factory Frontier

Longer and more of a challenge than its DS counterparts. Feels less grindy thanks to better pacing and the fact that the stupid marriage doesn't consume the entire first half of the game. Though gameplay does not disappoint, is it too much to ask that Little Crystals be not so goddamn impossible to find?

9/10

Zack & Wiki

Play as a pirate boy and his magical golden monkey, which isn't some dirty euphemism but sure as hell sounds like it. Colourful, eye-popping graphics compliment game's story and style, but totally mask this hardcore puzzle game. Aftergame is mostly total bullshit that basically requires a guide, though.

8/10

Shin Megami Tensei: Devil Survivor

Bizarre mashup of strategy RPG and classic RPG set against SMT's typical urban Tokyo backdrop. Six different endings but you'll only see about 3 before the idea of once again playing through the first 6 pointless days again becomes unbearable. First few playthroughs excite, though, because endings actually differ enough from each other to be worth seeing.

7/10

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Sonic Spinball- As much fun as watching paint dry. It also moves about as quickly thanks to all the slowdown. Without a doubt, it's Sonic's low point for the 16-bit era.

Red Zone- Harder than Chinese algebra, but it's still fun to play. It also has some of the best graphical tricks done on the Genesis, and a good soundtrack. Just be sure to pad your walls so your controller doesn't fly apart when you chuck it at said walls.

Thunder Force IV- Fucking awesome from start to finish. Fucking - awesome. 'Nuff said.

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Sonic Spinball

Sonic + Pinball. A fun and funky take on the sonic franchise, but a bit short at four levels. Plus it has some great music tracks.

Secret of Mana

Terrible music, gameplay, battles, level system, story, and ending. Unless you factor nostalgia into the equation. But Santa Claus is in it, so that's pretty cool.

Psychonauts

Extremely creative and fun in every way a game can be. Has a little something for everybody. A must-play if you enjoy platformers.

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Secret of Mana

Terrible music, gameplay, battles, level system, story, and ending. Unless you factor nostalgia into the equation. But Santa Claus is in it, so that's pretty cool.

Screw you, dude.

Tales of Symphonia:

If you haven't played this game go out and get a copy now, goddamn it. But get the Gamecube version for better music during the teaser. Not that you'll spend much time watching the teaser.

100/100

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I think this page would be infinitely better, if the reviews had to be done haiku style.

The Legend of Zelda: Ocarina of Time-

An epic quest, huge world

Dungeons, Puzzles, Sword-play, bombs!

Best game of all time....

Mmmm, really bad but I was hoping people better then me could follow up with some cool ones. I always kind of liked Haiku's (not that I've spent much time reading them), does that make me odd???

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I'm down for a haiku review thread...

Civilization 4

What's this, five dollars?!

I guess I'll play a little...

Oh shit, its Monday

World of Goo

I think I got it!

Oh, no, never mind, I'm wrong

Fuck doing this again

Okami

I love you so much

Its like I'm looking at art

Embodied, gorgeous.

Doodle Jump (for iPhone)

Arriving early

is much more enjoyable

When you are around

Castle Crashers

The only reason

I miss my broken Xbox

Fuck you Microsoft

The Unicorns - Who Will Cut Our Hair When We're Gone

Not a video game

But still an awesome album

Well done Canada

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BRÜTAL LEGEND

Too much metal, not enough gameplay. Tim Schafer is witty as ever. Consoles still can't do RTS.

GHOSTBUSTERS: THE VIDEO GAME

Too much Ghostbusters, not enough gameplay. Proton packs are awesome as ever. Over-the-shoulder still sucks.

BATMAN: ARKHAM ASYLUM

Hang criminal nutjobs from gargoyles. Scarecrow mindfucks you. Mark Hamill is my hero.

X-MEN ORIGINS: WOLVERINE

Pounce criminal nutjobs from across a gorge. Deadpool gets fucked. Sabertooth is my hero.

SHADOW COMPLEX

Sam Fisher should be jealous. Master Chief should be jealous. Samus and Alucard should be proud.

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Halo 3:

Multiplayer is fun and lasts a long time, if utilized in short bursts. Campaign lasts a short time, can be beaten in one long burst. Mediocre ending with a terrible boss and an epic final escape.

Mario & Luigi: Bowser's Inside Story:

This game is really funny. Bowser steals the show with his awesome-ish antics. This game excites my globins...

Castlevania 2:

This game is hard. And unfair. It requires a guide to beat, or psychic abilities, plus super-human levels of patience.

Metroid Prime Trilogy:

The first one is mind-blowing. The second one isn't. The third one even less so.

Super Smash Bros. Brawl:

Multiplayer is fun and lasts a long time, if utilized in short bursts. Subspace Emissary lasts long too, but isn't nearly as fun, and is much more tedious, especially if played more than once. Screw you Sakurai for making us trip.

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No More Heroes

It's got a neat concept to it. It's extremely linear even though side missions seem to mask this from people. It's an overated piece of shit.

3/10

The Force Unleashed (for the Wii)

Being a Star Wars fan, I enjoyed the atmosphere and characters in the game. Just because the Wii remote has motion sensors doesn't mean we need to use them for everything. Wasn't bad for $20, but easily could have been much better.

6/10

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Borderlands: Does Diablo better than Diablo because the guns play differently instead of just clicking. Doesn't need to be played with other people, actually. Stats mean nothing... :(

9/10

Final Fantasy 9: 2nd favorite Final Fantasy. Some of the best music in gaming, despite being in an odd style. Vivi.

10/10

Baha: Edge of Control: Holy Christ this is hard! Oh, nevermind, returning the game the same day makes me a winner. I'm giving the same score for as many races i beat before breaking my first controller ever.

2/10

Halo ODST: Nighttime city is vastly underused and overdark. Boring story with only slightly worthwhile pay-off at the end. Cool "Horde" mode.

7/10

Uncharted 2: The first time I have ever uttered the words "Holy Shit" whilst actually playing it. The first game I've beaten only to turn around and play the game again. The first story in an action game to actually have me care about the characters.

10/10

Fallout 3: Awesome the first time through, but on second visit breaks down to the same sights over and over. A little too dark to be fun for too long. Awesome sidequests and stories of random people you happen upon.

8/10

Mass Effect: Takes wayyyyyyyyy too long to care about the story. The end of the game is quite thrilling. Urdnot Wrex.

9/10

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Zelda 2:

I LOVE this game.

Sadly for me, it hates me with a passion. It's the most brutal and unforgiving zelda game that exists.

Mario Kart Wii:

As any other mario kart, its a really, really fun game. It has the best online multiplayer I've seen so far on wii. If only nintendo stopped using the fucking friend codes...

Empire Total War:

I absolutely love the total war series, but this one sucks ass from a straw. It has long loading times, dumb ai and dull gameplay. Better stick to Rome or medieval total war.

EDIT: Fixored the lenght.

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